Apprehension of the morning ahead..

[is_today_monday]

My drug addiction has spiralled out of control, once again. Last time it got this bad, I shipped myself off to detox and rehab for just over a month - this was at the end of last year. I've recently decided that I'm not going to be able to kick my habit anytime soon. It's so true, the saying 'kicking isn't the hardest part. The most difficult part is STAYING clean'. I finally came to the decision to go on a maintainance programme, offered through my local Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drugs Service (ATODS). I ran into a few problems though. The only doctor there happens to be one with whom I don't have a great relationship. Our dislike for one another is definitely mutual. He was refusing to prescribe any treatment for me because of past mental health issues (hello, dual-diagnosis! Most addicts would have some level of mental health problems). I ended up having to enlist the aid of the legal aid and advocacy service, and after a couple of weeks, my case worker called to tell me that I was finally allowed on it...

Then came the waiting game.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment. Basically, me getting on the programme tomorrow depends on someone else turning up for his appointment or not. If he doesn't, and it's a high probability he won't, given he's missed his previous two in six months, then it's all good, I'm on. If he does front up though, it's 'too bad, so sad' for me. I need to get on this programme. I deserve to get on it - I didn't go through a legal battle for nothing, and who knows when another opening comes up. I'm a typical junky, hate waiting for anything, but for once, it's impatience in the right direction.

I'm feeling anxious tonight, not just about if I finally get to go on it, but how I'll react/cope/deal with the treatment once I am. It's definitely going to be Suboxone, because of my extensive IV history.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a safe place to ramble about the stress of this. It doesn't help that I'm starting to hit withdrawals, and have to put up with it, just in case. Precipitated withdrawal just isn't worth having a shot right now. Is it rude of me to ask that people send some good vibes my way, or cross fingers?

I appreciate you reading this. Thanks guys!

Jade