Apprehension of the morning ahead..

[is_today_monday]

My drug addiction has spiralled out of control, once again. Last time it got this bad, I shipped myself off to detox and rehab for just over a month - this was at the end of last year. I've recently decided that I'm not going to be able to kick my habit anytime soon. It's so true, the saying 'kicking isn't the hardest part. The most difficult part is STAYING clean'. I finally came to the decision to go on a maintainance programme, offered through my local Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drugs Service (ATODS). I ran into a few problems though. The only doctor there happens to be one with whom I don't have a great relationship. Our dislike for one another is definitely mutual. He was refusing to prescribe any treatment for me because of past mental health issues (hello, dual-diagnosis! Most addicts would have some level of mental health problems). I ended up having to enlist the aid of the legal aid and advocacy service, and after a couple of weeks, my case worker called to tell me that I was finally allowed on it...

Then came the waiting game.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment. Basically, me getting on the programme tomorrow depends on someone else turning up for his appointment or not. If he doesn't, and it's a high probability he won't, given he's missed his previous two in six months, then it's all good, I'm on. If he does front up though, it's 'too bad, so sad' for me. I need to get on this programme. I deserve to get on it - I didn't go through a legal battle for nothing, and who knows when another opening comes up. I'm a typical junky, hate waiting for anything, but for once, it's impatience in the right direction.

I'm feeling anxious tonight, not just about if I finally get to go on it, but how I'll react/cope/deal with the treatment once I am. It's definitely going to be Suboxone, because of my extensive IV history.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a safe place to ramble about the stress of this. It doesn't help that I'm starting to hit withdrawals, and have to put up with it, just in case. Precipitated withdrawal just isn't worth having a shot right now. Is it rude of me to ask that people send some good vibes my way, or cross fingers?

I appreciate you reading this. Thanks guys!

Jade

[nick]

much luck with subs.

[Opilover]

Much good good luck and sending you alot of good vibes.You have alot of willpower and I think thats awesome...Wishing you the best.....

[roxi*stardust]

Good luck!! Subs are amazing, the hardest part is the part you said; staying clean. If they give you the right dose of Suboxone, you should be good. I noticed when I take anything less than 4mg of bupe, I have major cravings, no w/ds or anything like that just really bad cravings. When I take 4+mg, I am great. I hope they don't undermedicate you, this is the cause for most failures. If you have cravings speak up. Again, good luck to you.

[jonny-5]

i find that at least here on the west coast (US) the doctors seem to overprescribe subs, my friend was smoking like a gram of H a day, and he has been on subs for 3 months, they just now CUT HIM DOWN to 8 mg, three times a day (24 mg a day). it just seems like a lot to me, 8 mg a day is fine for me.

[youwonhundred]

Not much to add, as I've never tried subs, but good luck, and no its not monday, but sunday mornings when you get woken up before noon suck pretty hard too. esp when i didnt go to bed till five.

[alowishus]

You've shown the willingness, the want and the need, now it all depends on someone else making the wrong choice.

It's sucks that people that want the help do not have it open to them, and that others that are just init for kicks can keep you out.

Wish you well my friend.

[cjd83us]

good luck with the subs. I tried but it didnt kill the cravings enough unfortunately so I made the switch to methadone. I hope this doesnt happen to you but you said you have i.v history so im guessing your doc was heroin. sometimes subs just arent enough depending on how much you were using but the best of luck goes out to you.

[is_today_monday]

Thanks for all the well-wishes and support. It means a lot to me, especially as a noob to the boards who hasn't posted all that much (yet).

The guy didn't show up to his appointment. It was such a relief to be told that I could start the programme today. I was given a test dose of Subutex, to make sure that I didn't react badly or go into precipitated withdrawals. Twenty minutes later I was given 2mg of Suboxone. It was difficult keeping it under my tongue -I'd move my tongue to see if it was still there and it would move! I don't think I did too badly though. Took about 20 minutes for it to start easing the withdrawal symptoms, and it was good for about two hours. Now though, I'm starting to feel a bit seedy again. That was expected though - I have to go back this afternoon for another dose. Tomorrow, I start once daily dosing. The doctor thinks I'll be able to maintain quite comfortably at a 'moderate' dose. What is that? About 8-10mg I'm guessing. That's good, it means I may be able to double- or triple dose.

I'm still apprehensive about it, have heard so many stories, good and bad. I've gone into this though with an open mind, and I think that's the most important thing. I'm determined to get my life back on track.

To be honest, I'm proud of myself, and so I should be. As a junkie, I don't often make decisions that are especially helpful or intelligent. Many people are telling me that it's just as bad as using, but I know that it's not.

Once again, I just want to thank you all for your support!