I go to a very unbusy clinic in the northern panhandle of west virginia. It's right across the border of PA. Lines are never long, you can have a balance of up to $150, and most importantly, the staff isn't there to try and get you to a dose of 200mg as fast as possible so you can never leave. I could go in tomorrow and say I wanted to go down 1mg every 6 months and they would do it.
Anyways, my life has been going into shambles. I got dumped by the love of my life and moved into an apartment, lost my job so I'm freaking out about next month's bills and wondering how I'm gonna keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I am most likely starting a new job in about 2 weeks that is going to pay more than minimum wage and keep us on our feet fine, but I don't have any saved money so I have no idea how I'm gonna pay for september. There are many other things going on but long story short, I'm becoming close to suicidal. Last night I was driving to pick up my roommate from work and I never go the speed limit. Ever. I always speed. But last night i was going 10 under the whole time hoping someone would crash into me going 60 and kill me, or a meteor would hit my car, or that the mayans were wrong and the end of the world is going to come in a week and not make me have to wait 5 more fucking months. I'm really fucked up in my head right now.
Methadone has really helped me. I had the initial glow that most people get and it went away like usual but I still get a buzz every day for a couple hours. And even after the buzz wears off, I still have that numbness that doesn't make me feel everything at once. I've realized I'm a pussy bitch. I don't want to handle everything at once. I want to numb myself and handle everything very slowly, and the methadone makes that easy to do. I'm dealing with them extremely slow one by one, and that's exactly what I need. However, the past week, around 80PM every night, everything comes crashing down. My mind gets flooded with thoughts of being homeless, good memories with my ex, wondering if he found someone new, wondering if I'm actually gonna get this job, etc. SO FUCKING OVERWHELMING. It doesn't start to gradually come on, it just smacks me right in the face around 80PM every night. I'll usually take a handful of tylenol PM and go to bed so I can go to sleep, wake up, and dose. I know I'm still using methadone as an escape and that's not healthy, but right now with everything going wrong in my life (Yes, I know, I should be greatful for what I have. I do a gratitude list every day and try to stay upbeat) it's exactly what I need. I've been crying myself to sleep every night and I'm sick of fucking feeling this way.
My question to you guys, is should I raise my dose? At my clinic you can go up 5mg once a week. The dose I'm at holds me over fine for about 12 hours, but after that I feel like it's completely out of my system, which I know it isn't as methadone's half life is really long. I'm currently at 90mg. I just want to be held over at least until I go to bed. My roommate's aunt has a script for 10mg methadone and he talked to his mom, asking her if she could get some and he would hold on to them and give me like 20mg every night when I picked him up. I think splitting my dose would be the best option here, but my clinic doesn't offer it. I'm not going to be able to get take homes for a long time either. I have to have 4 followups with the doctor, and I haven't had one. I've done everything else right. Clean urines, 1 appointment a week with my counselor, and not letting my balance get too high, but I just can't wait 2 hours past my appointment to see the dr. My roommate needs to get to work and when I have a job so do I.
I'm sorry that there's a lot of rambling in this post, my heads just spinning like crazy. It's only 12:24PM and I'm having anxiety about having anxiety and overwhelming suicidal depression tonight. It's getting ridiculous. I know you guys don't think people should get on high doses, and I respect that, but I just don't know what to do. I really wish I had someone who sold methadone so I could take 20mg or so around 8. My roommates aunt isn't the most reliable so I doubt it'll actually come through. I need a split dose, but I can't fucking get one. I'm so frustrated and feel so hopeless. I'm trying to do everything right and live a good life and shit just keeps getting worse.
Okay I'm gonna stop rambling, I know there's way too many extra details in this post for such a simplistic question. As you guys can probably tell, I don't have many friends where I live to talk to, so I just threw it all up here. Thanks in advance for any replies.