My jailhouse detox story

[baysteve]

Let me first start off by saying the reaction I’ve gotten from you all truly is more supportive than my immediate family, this is one of the reasons why I LOVE this site..This thread will probably fall under TL;DR so if you were born after 1990 you might want to click the back button…With that being said…

The first 5 months of 2009 was just BAD..Hell since I lost my job @ IBM in 2007 it’d been BAD due to no steady source of income to support my ever growing BTH habit. Here in California there’s a program for first time non-violent drug offenders called Proposition 36, it’s supposed to be a one year program where they send you to residential /out-patient/AA or NA meetings/drug testing yadda yadda..Well I turned that one year program into a 3 year one. I just kept.fucking.up! So March 2009 rolls around and I was on violation #2 of 3 and the judge suggested I get on methadone maintenance …I never ended up going to that appointment and continued to use. March 23rd I got a knock on the door from SJPD burglary division investigating a theft that had occurred at the home of my then girlfriend, I was so sick at the time I flat out admitted what I had done, the detective took mercy on me didn’t arrest me and suggested I show up to my court date the following day to plead with the judge to get into residential treatment one more time. Well I showed up to that court date high as a kite and was taken into custody. The moment the cuffs were put on me (by a deputy I went to high school with btw which made it even more awkward) I felt a sense of relief and peace never before experienced. This is when the REAL journey started for me. It took a long time for me to get to a cell and the booking process took about 8 hours..I started getting sick around 10pm in the holding cell and the people in there with me were none too pleased..I asked the guard for a blanket to warm me up and his words back to me were “lay on the floor you junky scum.” Great. Thanks a lot pal..In my county theres 3 different jails they can house you in and I was praying to go to lockdown due to the fact those were two man cells and you could hear a pin drop in the pods..I lucked out and was sent to the two man cell after one night in a 60 man dormitory. That first night was pure hell, they would not give me any medicine it was a total cold turkey detox which took about 20 days to fully recover from. I was on a top bunk and every 5 minutes I was jumping off to run to the bathroom and puke/shit..all the blacks and Mexicans just laughed at me..i was unfortunately the only white guy in that dorm.


When I got to the two man cell it was a completely different story..It was about 4 am when I finally got to the cell and I was greeted by a burly tattooed NLR member that was facing his 3rd strike for murder. Over the next 61 days this guy really became my best friend..I learned so much from him and it opened my eyes too where I was headed. I can’t stress enough how lucky I am to come from a family with means because every week I had a visit and money on my books for candy and other tradable jail goods..The detox was pure hell and one day my celly literally carried me to chow because I had not eaten for 5 days. All the whites rallied around me though and took care of me I was absolutely baffled by the camaraderie. I was constantly given a change of clothes due to sweating thru everything that was issued to me..then one day I started to sleep and got used to the routine in there, it’s amazing how the human mind adjusts to ones environment because there was no way I was getting any tar in there and there was no way in hell I was going to pay the prices that were being charged anyways. After two months I was released into a residential program and then it was off to a half-way house July 09...i was so desperate that anything that would keep me from relapsing I would do...so I threw myself into the program of AA (I am not religious by any means and please don’t start a flamewar over this it worked for me when I decided to work the program) life started getting better, I met a wonderful woman and everything was turning around for me… and the biggest accomplishment was I finally was HAPPY and had some self-respect for myself.



In July 2010 I got into a huge fight with my sponsor/support group over taking medication and I kind of turned my back on the program and basically white knuckled my sobriety up until the day I got off probation which was November 3rd 2010…I lasted a week and then relapsed and now I’m worse off addiction wise than I was back in 2009…it literally was like nothing changed, I lost all the material things I had gained, my job, I slipped back into those old dope fiend ways and everyone knew right away..It was so heart breaking to see my mother’s face when she found out I relapsed. I am currently trying to kick but I just can’t/don’t want to stop...I feel like I am stuck in quicksand. I left out a lot of details and if people want to know specifics just post a reply and I will gladly answer...i am pretty open and don’t have a problem sharing about myself.

[duck]

Methadone. Seriously man. Methadone and nugs.

[baysteve]

Can't stand weed. Terrible paranoia.

[Chipper]

Thank you for putting pen to paper, so to speak. The way the inmates rallied to help you is touching.

Please consider maintenance - it will get you out of the "quicksand" and it will give you a break from yourself.

What do you have to lose ? I don't think there are many as ready as you are now. Hey, if it's not for you then drop it but you really, truly owe it to yourself to try. You might find a really nice doctor, as I have.

I'm not preaching abstinence. I'm currently abusing my maintenance meds., if you want the truth but I'm not going into that here.

Explore your options - you do have options.

[Rosetta Stoned]

Agreed and agreed. MMT is your best choice man... get on a dose where you have no cravings and you are physically fine for 24 hours, doing that for just a couple weeks gives astonishing results, if you really do want to stop you will be extremely pleased with what you find on a stable dose. Whatever you do, do NOT go back to AA/NA, that shit is fucking ridiculous and downright insane.

[opiophanatic]

Agreed and agreed. MMT is your best choice man... get on a dose where you have no cravings and you are physically fine for 24 hours, doing that for just a couple weeks gives astonishing results, if you really do want to stop you will be extremely pleased with what you find on a stable dose. Whatever you do, do NOT go back to AA/NA, that shit is fucking ridiculous and downright insane.

why do so many people here hate so hard on the 12 step programs? those programs have and are working for so many thousands of people... they only work if you really want them to, and thus you work an honest program... they aren't for everyone, but there is NO reason for anyone to tell someone else they shouldn't go...

abstinence is the number one form of harm reduction so there is no reason to dissuade someone from getting clean by any means necessary, including these "fucking ridiculous and downright insane" fellowships..

not attacking, just somethin' that i have noticed ever since i started lurking here...


BAYSTEVE-- the tone of your post makes me believe that you really DO want to change what you are doing. the previous posts may be right about trying MMT, unless you have some issue with the 'done or something that hasn't been stated here. if not that, then maybe subs?

Edit: just read your old methadone thread from 09.. somethin i wanted to say is maybe it will help you now if you take some time to look back at those bursts of clean time you talked about before.. from the 45 day stints up to this last one, what, 2 years? but take a look and see what was going on at the time you relapsed... there is always some trigger... recognizing EVERYTHING that could potentially trigger a relapse is important, as well as having a plan of what to do if you see yourself slipping into a pattern that may lead to relapse.

anyways. good read about that detox experience.

[clinton]

why are you opposed to methadone?

[Thanat0s]

people hat on 12 step progs bec ause it often cultish bullshit.
most 12step prog ive been around would NEVER tolerate m'done maint, so 'honesty' is out the window.

'abstinence is the best HR?!!?'
change that to
'abstinence(as mantra) is the leading cause of death via OD as well as rampant addiciton from ignoring the reality...'

if AA works for you thats all well and good,
but baysteves post kinda illustrates what happens when we try to fly tha AA 'abstinence' flag high,
we wind up relapsing with all the fury of thosemonths of total habit denial and pressure to conform blowing up at once,
leaving us way worse than we were before the attempt at 'sobriety.'

STEVE: try m'done or subs, get into a REAL shrink maybe, i know you, and im pretty fucking sure you have other issues going on that are way bigger than the dope. realize dope use like yours is a symptom of the much bigger REAL issues, and try to make progress on that shit. do the maintenance thing, dont fret about small short relapses, just push forward. YOUR SOBER BIRTHDAY IS THE DAY YOU DECIDED TO STOP BEING A 24/7 THIEVING JUNKBOX. relapse IS recovery, dont sweat it, its no failure at all as long as you get back to your goal without dying first.

shits cooler than you think it is right now, and your life can turn around in a matter of MINUTES as long as you are alive to see it.

keep up what youre doing. m'done sounds like the ticket for ya, just be easy on dosing and get some breathing room to figure out who you are and what the fuck you want.

hit a 12(goose)step meet if you want and it helps you, but feel free to leave their BS at the door on your way out,
its the only way I have been able to employ AA as my willing bitch.

hit me up if you need to chat again, eh?

[opiophanatic]

i can only laugh at you than, up there on your all knowing, junkie pedestal. if it doesn't work for you it must be completely fucked. moronic logic

[Chipper]

i can only laugh at you than, up there on your all knowing, junkie pedestal. if it doesn't work for you it must be completely fucked. moronic logic

Mate, you've been here only for a few days and already questioned the mods decision to cool Duck down and now you're having a go at a well-respected, intelligent, very experienced, slightly crazy (with respect, Than0), member.

You've got balls but I feel that you're not going to fit in with your current attitude. As much as I hate to, I'm making this public because you are too. Chill bro' ... it'll play out anyway, without your style of input.

No need to attack; say your piece, in peace.

[opiophanatic]

addicts don't typically fit in.

and if i should be outcasted from a group of outcasts for having a differing opinion from a "well respected, slightly crazy member," then so be it. just because others are afraid to disagree with than0tos doesn't mean that i have to be. i'm not trying to display "having balls" or any macho-ism crap.

i have read many posts from you than that come off as having a "holier than thou" type of attitude. i somewhat remember you even saying that you exhibit this type of attitude, but you may have worded it differently.

it's late as what and i feel as though my insomnia may subside for a bit so i can't be bothered with this anymore. we all have opinions. in my time lurking i have done quite a bit of reading and i feel as though than can take an elbow nudge, he is strong enough. my opinion of his opinion on my opinion.... etc... it's all irrelevant in the end

[Chipper]

Opiophanatic, FWIW and IMHO, the rest of your input was quality.

And you're right - we don't fit in well but this place gives us a chance to fit in somewhere and I would like you to take advantage of that.

We do need each other, after all, I really believe that ...

[opiophanatic]

[B]

But this place gives us a chance to fit in somewhere and I would like you to take advantage of that.

good call. i shall take heed

[SHELLEY]

first impressions: it's amazing how whites stick together when times get tough, no?
burly tattooed skins have taken better care of me at times than my own mother
glad you got to find out the camraderie that our people are capable of, no matter the circumstances

12 step recovery is a better bet than maintenance
at least if you get sick and fucking tired of the 12 steps, you can quit without pain
can't say the same for methadone
plus if you don't wanna quit (which you said you don't), you'll just use on top of the 'done
and that isn't gonna save you money, save your job, or keep your habit down- so stupid idea

and sillyness "abstinence is the leading cause of death by OD"
fucking really?????
i've never overdosed while abstinent from drugs, i'll tell you that
and it's retarded to say that since people can OD if they start getting high after long breaks
then that means that it's WORSE to stay off opis completely than to take maintenance doses- what, just in case?

Mate, you've been here only for a few days and already questioned the mods decision to cool Duck down and now you're having a go at a well-respected, intelligent, very experienced, slightly crazy (with respect, Than0), member.

omfg someone said something unworshipful to him.........

thanatos can be cool, most def, but thank you newbie for not falling to your knees at the sight of his holy avatar

[Chipper]

<snip>i've never overdosed while abstinent from drugs, i'll tell you that<snip>

I have, unfortunately ... whacked a small deal up after months of not using and it's "Hello Narcan" for Chip'.

Anyway, we've sorted this out -- we're all going to get along and live happily ever after.

I just hope that Steve sorts this one out before it eats him up.

[SHELLEY]

I have, unfortunately ... whacked a small deal up after months of not using and it's "Hello Narcan" for Chip'.
.

of course that can happen- as a result of drug use, not abstinence
but even given that, does that mean abstinence should be avoided in favor of maintenance?

[danny]

different strokes for different folks, what fucks me off is when one gets pushed over the other, theres a hundred and one ways to skin a cat, unfortunately us junkies get access to about three tops....

[mainline]

people hat on 12 step progs bec ause it often cultish bullshit.
most 12step prog ive been around would NEVER tolerate m'done maint, so 'honesty' is out the window.

'abstinence is the best HR?!!?'
change that to
'abstinence(as mantra) is the leading cause of death via OD as well as rampant addiciton from ignoring the reality...'

if AA works for you thats all well and good,
but baysteves post kinda illustrates what happens when we try to fly tha AA 'abstinence' flag high,
we wind up relapsing with all the fury of thosemonths of total habit denial and pressure to conform blowing up at once,
leaving us way worse than we were before the attempt at 'sobriety.'

STEVE: try m'done or subs, get into a REAL shrink maybe, i know you, and im pretty fucking sure you have other issues going on that are way bigger than the dope. realize dope use like yours is a symptom of the much bigger REAL issues, and try to make progress on that shit. do the maintenance thing, dont fret about small short relapses, just push forward. YOUR SOBER BIRTHDAY IS THE DAY YOU DECIDED TO STOP BEING A 24/7 THIEVING JUNKBOX. relapse IS recovery, dont sweat it, its no failure at all as long as you get back to your goal without dying first.

shits cooler than you think it is right now, and your life can turn around in a matter of MINUTES as long as you are alive to see it.

keep up what youre doing. m'done sounds like the ticket for ya, just be easy on dosing and get some breathing room to figure out who you are and what the fuck you want.

hit a 12(goose)step meet if you want and it helps you, but feel free to leave their BS at the door on your way out,
its the only way I have been able to employ AA as my willing bitch.

hit me up if you need to chat again, eh?

this is why i love you

i can only laugh at you than, up there on your all knowing, junkie pedestal. if it doesn't work for you it must be completely fucked. moronic logic

who are you?




ANYWAY Baysteve, You've been able to be sober before, and you can do it again. People can say abstaining from everything would be best, but is that even likely to happen off a large habit? nope. Look into Maint. OR maybe start a slow taper with a trusted friend/fam member in control of your doses. Good luck none the less.

[nick]

Steve,as I told you two years ago,give MMT a try.

Shelley,Please,PLEASE shut up.

[kdog]

who the fuck cares who belongs and who doesn't. I came into this thread and read a nice jailhouse story and then all this other crappers. But while I'm here, I've read plenty of Thanat0s posts and yes he can come across as holier than thou, just from what I've read, but I've been a member here long enough to know that he is a well respected member, opiophanatic, so my advice would be to do your research before you post shit on someone you don't know, although I can understand it if I didn't know his rep either.

And baysteve, I did enjoy your story and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've only been to county one time and only spent 5 days there, but I was kicking the whole time, so I swore I would never go back, this was in 07 and thank God I haven't. Come to think of it, when I was in my cell with my legs flailing around and sweating, etc, I kept thinking of Opiophile for some weird reason and tried to remember all the other jail related stories I read until that point.

[Ch3nZ]

In Than's defense, he did say abstinence (as mantra).

But I do agree that some type of maintenance is better than going completely abstinent. For us junkies, we tend to get sick of being abstinent fairly quickly, or in my case, wait a bit and then go back to using what I used to and OD'ing.

At least with maintenance these things can be avoided.

But as Danny said, different strokes...

To the OP, do what works for you man, you've got a couple options here. Good luck to you.
(BTW for me it was a Subutex/Ativan taper for a week, and then I was done. This was in a rehab facility, however, as I would have probably chosen to not be done.)

I don't know how recovering addicts can stay clean for years and years, but that's just me. I did go back to using once I got out, probably every weekend, so once a week.

[SHELLEY]

In Than's defense, he did say abstinence (as mantra).

But I do agree that some type of maintenance is better than going completely abstinent. For us junkies, we tend to get sick of being abstinent fairly quickly, or in my case, wait a bit and then go back to using what I used to and OD'ing.

At least with maintenance these things can be avoided.


But as Danny said, different strokes...

To the OP, do what works for you man, you've got a couple options here. Good luck to you.
(BTW for me it was a Subutex/Ativan taper for a week, and then I was done. This was in a rehab facility, however, as I would have probably chosen to not be done.)

I don't know how recovering addicts can stay clean for years and years, but that's just me. I did go back to using once I got out, probably every weekend, so once a week.

i'd say that maitntenace CAN BE better than going completely abstinent (i assume just from opis, not everything)
it isn't necessarily better, but it isn't necessarily worse either- it's all about circumstances
hell, i don't even have a month off opis myself- and i've been popping pills
but right now if i was on maintenance, i'd be miserable
different strokes for different folks, and differnt strokes for the SAME folks in different circumstances

and nick, please, PLEASE kiss my brown eye

[nick]

i'd say that maitntenace CAN BE better than going completely abstinent (i assume just from opis, not everything)
it isn't necessarily better, but it isn't necessarily worse either- it's all about circumstances
hell, i don't even have a month off opis myself- and i've been popping pills
but right now if i was on maintenance, i'd be miserable
different strokes for different folks, and differnt strokes for the SAME folks in different circumstances

and nick, please, PLEASE kiss my brown eye

Would that be a freebie-if not how much?

Sorry,couldn't resisit.The point I was trying to make is that there's a time and a place for your more contentious posts and this thread really isn't it.

[SHELLEY]

Would that be a freebie-if not how much?

Sorry,couldn't resisit.The point I was is there's a time and a place for your more contentious posts and this thread really isn't it.

to see you kneel down to kiss my ass? hell, i'd pay you if i could get some pics
sorry if i'm a bitch, the vyvanse has my "context" all fucked up

[nick]

to see you kneel down to kiss my ass? hell, i'd pay you if i could get some pics
sorry if i'm a bitch, the vyvanse has my "context" all fucked up

We're good and this is going to sound terrible,but it's honestly not meant that way,but you seem pretty much the usual Shelley- to me

[SHELLEY]

We're good and this is going to sound terrible,but it's honestly not meant that way,but you seem pretty much the usual Shelley- to me

yeah well, no shame in my game

[nhop]

Hey BStve:

Liked your story. Reminded me of many, many jailhouse detoxes I've been through in SD county. Sounds like things are pretty similar up there in terms of racial politics as they are in SD. I grew up in Europe and when i first encountered racial politics in CA?? jails of all places it surprised the shite out of me... anyways. My advice, give subs or mdone a try. Im currently on probation here, also a Prop 36 dropout, probably heading 4 the pen sometime soon. Anyways, hit me up if you have any quesitons or comments. Best of luck.

PS-Just one more piece of advice if you find yourself in county again: Claim to be an alcoholic. They will then treat you with benzos for a few days which should at least allow for some sleep during the first, worst days of the kick. In SD they use librium.

[Indy]

Hey steve, if you get advice or support from us that's great, but don't let people (read: us) push our personal agendas (methadone is toxic slime, go to AA, or AA is a cult, get on maintenance) on to what is YOUR life...find what works for you and most of us will support you either way.

To the rest of us, let's not use steve here as something to push our personal beliefs about AA/methadone/whatever on.

[paups]

Explore your options - you do have options.

+1
Thanks for sharing.. you know where you have been and where you are headed.. there are other ways even if it seems like a bit out of reach atm.. I agree that maintenance may be a good option for you atm.. anything to get you out of the cycle for a while.. or at least give you a CHANCE to get out of it..even if its a process. It is still possible to use, but it also gives you a chance to take a few days off from the game and that alone can keep one a little sane..

I'm not trying to push an agenda on anyone here Im just saying that when I and most ppl I have known have been balls to the wall strung out they are NOT very happy.. there is a precarious balancing act that can exist with using/chipping and I DO think its possible but baysteve seems to be realizing he is in deeper than he intended to be.
Perhaps he IS happy in that place.. if that's the case all the power to him.

If it's not quite working, well... we are just reminding him that he does have options.

[Thanat0s]

i can only laugh at you than, up there on your all knowing, junkie pedestal. if it doesn't work for you it must be completely fucked. moronic logic

um, just FYI, in another life someone who def isnt me actually knew, talked with, hung out with the OP.
so maybe i have some fucking clue who he is, what hes been thru and what MIGHT help him out,
esp considering he has already tried the big blue book club, eh?

whatever so offended you anyways?
you DID ask what peoples probs with AA are, no?

i simply told you what the common gripes with the program are.
and AA did work well enough for me for a year or so back in 2001,
but the line of thinking ultimately led me to some pretty dark places.

been to plenty of meeting to stand up and say,
'im than0 and im a heroin addict...'
or, doG forbid,
'im than0, im currently on suboxone maint'

most meetings that honesty will get you ostracized.



ps: im smarter AND cooler than you!
but not shelley, she has us all beat.