Protecting Yourself From Yourself

[limitless_euphoria]

First off, a brief update on yours truly. I’m still clean however, as much as it pains me to admit, it’s for two reasons: first, I’m broke; second, all my connects are a bust. If I had money and a solid connect perhaps I’d still be using despite all the harm it has brought about in my life.

Well, for those who have a habit that is not supported by doctors and financed by insurance, what stands between you and your “source” for opiates? Money, right?

How do you protect yourself from yourself when it comes to spending money on your habit versus having money to keep your electricity on and put food in your mouth and possibly the mouth(s) of your dependent(s) if you have any?

Do you just live check to check? Do you pay your bills in advance so you know you won’t spend “the milk money” seeing the dope man?

All I keep thinking to myself is something like, “man oh man, had I ONLY made it more difficult for myself to access the money I had it would still be there (for the most part) because I was/still am unwilling to commit crime to use an I’m DEFINITELY not sucking on any penis or taking it in my ass for drugs or drug money.”

But, I always had to be slick about hiding shit from my wife and having access to money to use. I always had a system whereby I could withdraw money from my account(s) without my wife being wise to it. I would doctor the check register then receive all my financial documents with only my name on them electronically in my private e-mail box that she did not have a password to (and I made certain of that).

Even when I had really tried to get off smack this past February I was already unconsciously planning on an eventual relapse as I still never fully gave it up to my wife how I was coming up with the money to score tons and tons of dope and pills. She didn't really ask as she was so devistated and I didn't bother to tell her.

So in the end, yes, I fucked myself—and but good I might add. I’m just curious for those who have tried to quit—what precautions or measurs of prevention have you taken to ensure you won’t slip up again? Do you have your significant other manage your money? Do you have a system worked out whereby all of your financial obligations are met only giving yourself access to “disposable income?”

I only wish I had long ago put my nest egg in a passbook access only account with both my name and my wife’s name on it and had her hide the book outside of our house (at my mother-in-law’s or something). I think had I only had the balls to tell her what I was really doing and ask for her help in guarding myself from squandering the tens of thousands of dollars I did over the past few years on coke, dope and a miscellany of other drugs perhaps today I would not have to be so apprehensive about our financial future. Perhaps I would not be so ashamed of my abysmal failure because I wouldn't have been able to use.

From my personal experience, having never had to resort to criminal activity and/or deception to acquire drugs not only am I not accustomed to the behavior but I also have very little inclination to start. Perhaps if it had already been a way of life I'd just keep on going indefinitely until I ended up dead, in the nut house or in prison.

Well, I guess the obvious conclusion in my case is that having no access to money is greatly effective in preventing relapse. Damn, had I only manned up to my problem and disclosed the exact nature of everything that was going on perhaps I could have saved myself from my own worst enemy—me!

Any thoughts folks? I'd really appreciate feedback and your answers to some of the questions I've posed above.

[Raisin]

Three days ago i handed my landlord a bunch of money (I've been on unemployment for three months and owe him a bunch of back rent but he's been cool) I had held on to that money for a week trying to decide if I should keep some of it and get high. I ended up giving him most of it and now I'm on day 3 of kicking a habit that's been chasing me for the last year.

I know what I have to do, I just have to do it.

If you figure out how let me know because I get my check tomorrow and I'm really trying to stay clean but......well...you know.

[Narkotikon]

It's much easier for me to handle / manage money and use it wisely when I'm well or not in need. If I'm in w/d, it pretty much is a certainty that I'll use at least some of it to get well. I've also never stolen (except for a few bucks here and there out of my mother's purse, and I don't feel proud about that) to finance my habit, and I've never and will never whore myself out for drugs or anything else either. I'm not putting people down who do, but it's just not something I could ever do, and I wouldn't want to do them. I'd rather die.

What I normally tried to do was to make sure I spent the money on what I had to before I became sick, because when you're well it seems--at least to me--that it's not a big deal, things are fine, and worries seem light-years away, so I don't worry about w/d when I'm well, so I'd spend the money on bills and necessities then, because when I finally did get sick and w/d started, I'd go out of my way to fuck everything up (if I had the money left) and spend all I could just to get well. All in all, what I"m saying is that when I was well / normal, I could manage money, and was responsible with it, because when I was well, I didn't worry about w/d. But, when I was sick, I'd do everything I could to find someway to no longer be sick, and if that meant spending my rent money, or utility money, or gas money, or food money, then so be it. So, planning out my finances and paying bills was ALWAYS much easier to do when I was well, and almost impossible when I was sick, because the money would definitely be going to make me well.

I also don't have any children or dependents. I have no spouse (can't legally marry anyway), and I've not dated anyone in years, so I never had anyone to worry about other than me.

Lately, what I've been doing is when I get a lot of money, like a normal paycheck, I'll take out enough money for gas / cigarettes / and whatever expenses I NEED to pay for, then I'll keep the rest in the bank account, and give my mom or sister my debit card. It's also easier for me to not spend money after I've had it for a few days. I have a tendency to want to splurge as soon as I get money, so if I can hold onto it for a while, it's easier to not spend it. I don't have checks, because 1.) I refuse to pay $20 or so for a box of basic checks that I never use. Literally, one box of checks could last me about two years. I just don't use checks. And 2.) more and more of today's society is set up to use debit / credit cards, so I just use my debit card. If I do need cash, I just use the ATM.

That's how I handle money, sometimes good, sometimes, um, not so good. But I try my best.

[Duckfeet]

When I was really in the middle of it, I scuffled and hustled like everybody else, and eventually--tho I knew I'd never do it--finally *did* do it, and turned to crime, drug store burglaries, house burglaries, anything, then later, after things went to shit again, there seemed to be girls around, and they were better hustlers than me, so I'd just sit around and drink beer until they came home...and finally, it all came crashing down, prison, all of it...well deserved, too, in my case...and most of the last twenty years have been a sort of slow putting it all back together, as trades, I have been a commercial diver, a commercial truck driver, and, in sobriety, a librarian of all things....

But I got hurt in Vietnam a long time ago, and had a little pension, and it's increased to where I can take care of myself...all my hustle and dishonest crap are hopefully behind me, and I live alright...mostly, last couple of years during this little fiasco, I've been on methadone and such, with occasional bouts of idiocy, since I have good credit...and I pay for it...but other that, I know I'm lucky, undeservedly, have little cottage right by the pier, enough to eat, and even have cautious hopes of getting off methadone, so it's alright. Any bad fuckup, and I do life out here, w/habitual offender law. So I be good boy

[Narkotikon]

a librarian of all things....

Just out of curiosity, how'd you get a librarian's job? I'd love to work at a library, but all the openings around me are only for people with a master's of library science, which of course I don't have. And when they have openings for part-time help, that doesn't require the degree, I never get it because of my two dui's from 2002. I think I'd make a great library worker. How'd you get that? I mean, did you do something I'm not doing to get it? Any tips?

[Raisin]

I know what I have to do, I just have to do it.

Sorry Duck, I was talking about getting clean. I've pulled some petty scams back in my desperate junkie years but nowadays if I'm going to risk prison to get high, It better pay off big. The first time I kicked a big habit was because I was planning a robbery and said "wait a minute this isn't me". Notice I said first time. I'm going to pick up my check and then go play some music with some old running buddies who are clean now so hopefully I'll be alright.

Days like today I really appreciate this place because I'm not ready for the rooms yet and I know you guys get it.

Thanks

[Duckfeet]

Well, first time I sobered, got off dope, everything...I didn't have much to do, and Louisiana would pay it--partially--so I went back to school, and always liked books--I find most junkies do...maybe it's because we spend so much time *waiting* haha--so I took a student aide job in the university library. I've always loved libraries. I lived in Argentina when I was a troubled young teenager, and the little american library was so comforting to me...and later in prison...even now, I can't walk into a library or book store without feeling comforted....

So I'm working in there, trying to figure out what to do w/myself: I was in my early forties, so I knew just getting a degree in philosophy or english was useless...everybody's got one of those: they aren't really the accomplishment that an engineering, say, degree is...

And someone said you could break into the library field even if you are older, etc. So I graduated, got my b.a. in english and philosophy, and went to Austin TX to get MLIS, which is Masters in Library and Information Science, and worked in University library as paraprofessional, went off to Ohio for first professional library job: I'm a cataloger, which is librarian you *don't* see, assigns call numbers, stuff like that, rather than shushing you and showing you where stuff is is....

But, great story, but I"m what I am, and dialaudids and heroin came into my life, and it all came crashing down...

But anyway, that's how to be a professional librarian, to be a *paraprofessional* you can sometimes get a 2year or even 4year degree in library science, and get in that way, or mostly, just take the civil service exam, for public/county libraries and such, just to get foot in door...trouble w/working in colleges and stuff--which is great, btw--is that often the para jobs, helpers and such, are kind of reserved for students and are hard to come by....

Another *great* way, is that almost all libraries have *volunteer* section, and many of these volunteers, are really just angling to get on w/paid positition--this is common knowledge--and that is often considered the real pool of applicants when jobs open up, and would be first thing I looked into...

And finally, the grim news: more and more our pasts come back to haunt us, as online databases have changed everything...why do you think I became a truck driver? Broke my heart that I lost that career, but the professional world can be unforgiving: I had the best library job in the world, up in ohio: computer world just beginning, i was a spanish university cataloger, spent my days going over old argentine religious texts, and assigning them call numbers, had a new harley, girlfriend...happy life...but it's over....I went from this kindly quiet old guy fiddling w/books...to running around columbus oh with a s&w .38 special stuck in my belt, all strung out, robbing people, fucked, life over...one more time....

Just out of curiosity, how'd you get a librarian's job? I'd love to work at a library, but all the openings around me are only for people with a master's of library science, which of course I don't have. And when they have openings for part-time help, that doesn't require the degree, I never get it because of my two dui's from 2002. I think I'd make a great library worker. How'd you get that? I mean, did you do something I'm not doing to get it? Any tips?

[Boxcar]

You need to complete the alpha numeric test most anywhere you apply...They will also do a background check and more often the not ask for a cretin number of questions right when you take the test...

i have a friend in librarian school, its no joke. he works hard. but what a cool job it must be.

[nick]

Morality IS a moveable feast and sometimes we can't afford certain morals.


Oh yeah and I've been a librarian(briefly) too.So,junky librarians UNITE......the future is ours!

[Duckfeet]

yeah, at first it felt weird, I mean, for so long, it was a refuge for gay men, and that's still kind of the norm, I guess--I know the stereotypes...and spinsters, who suffer as much as gays... and I remember how wierd I felt, applying for job, all these prison tattoos on my arms, and I cuss a lot, felt like I stood out..but they were such kind people, like people who had their own hells they'd been thru, and wanted to get along..a long ways from junky world, and prison, and I'd come a long way myself...so I liked it, and you never make much money, (no liberal arts area does), not really, but you get by, and, again, yer surrounded by books, and that's almost like being surrounded by poppys....

i have a friend in librarian school, its no joke. he works hard. but what a cool job it must be.

[Narkotikon]

Well, first time I sobered, got off dope, everything...I didn't have much to do, and Louisiana would pay it--partially--so I went back to school, and always liked books--I find most junkies do...maybe it's because we spend so much time *waiting* haha--so I took a student aide job in the university library. I've always loved libraries. I lived in Argentina when I was a troubled young teenager, and the little american library was so comforting to me...and later in prison...even now, I can't walk into a library or book store without feeling comforted....

So I'm working in there, trying to figure out what to do w/myself: I was in my early forties, so I knew just getting a degree in philosophy or english was useless...everybody's got one of those: they aren't really the accomplishment that an engineering, say, degree is...

And someone said you could break into the library field even if you are older, etc. So I graduated, got my b.a. in english and philosophy, and went to Austin TX to get MLIS, which is Masters in Library and Information Science, and worked in University library as paraprofessional, went off to Ohio for first professional library job: I'm a cataloger, which is librarian you *don't* see, assigns call numbers, stuff like that, rather than shushing you and showing you where stuff is is....

But, great story, but I"m what I am, and dialaudids and heroin came into my life, and it all came crashing down...

But anyway, that's how to be a professional librarian, to be a *paraprofessional* you can sometimes get a 2year or even 4year degree in library science, and get in that way, or mostly, just take the civil service exam, for public/county libraries and such, just to get foot in door...trouble w/working in colleges and stuff--which is great, btw--is that often the para jobs, helpers and such, are kind of reserved for students and are hard to come by....

Another *great* way, is that almost all libraries have *volunteer* section, and many of these volunteers, are really just angling to get on w/paid positition--this is common knowledge--and that is often considered the real pool of applicants when jobs open up, and would be first thing I looked into...

And finally, the grim news: more and more our pasts come back to haunt us, as online databases have changed everything...why do you think I became a truck driver? Broke my heart that I lost that career, but the professional world can be unforgiving: I had the best library job in the world, up in ohio: computer world just beginning, i was a spanish university cataloger, spent my days going over old argentine religious texts, and assigning them call numbers, had a new harley, girlfriend...happy life...but it's over....I went from this kindly quiet old guy fiddling w/books...to running around columbus oh with a s&w .38 special stuck in my belt, all strung out, robbing people, fucked, life over...one more time....

Thanks for the info. So, volunteering to get your foot in the door, or civil service exam. Right now I have a BA in Classics and History, which--as you said of most liberal arts degrees--is pretty useless. So, I can read Latin. Big fucking deal! Anyway, I fell into the belief that I should do what I enjoyed, and not what would be useful, which I still sort of believe, but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Anyway, yes, I've applied for the part-time jobs in libraries around me, but I never get them because of the 2 DUI's from 2002. I can understand doing a background check, but I don't understand why DUi's (and especially from six years ago) should be held against me. It's not like I'm applying to be a professional driver, and it's not like I'd be driving for part of the job. But anyway. I've never applied to the actual librarian jobs, because of course I don't have an MLS / MLIS, but thanks for the info anyway. I'll have to look into the volunteering / civil service thing. While I do need a job that pays, at least volunteering would be better than sitting on my ass, which is what I"m currently doing, especially if it could lead to a paying job. Thanks again.

[Duckfeet]

Well I'll tell you *exactly* what I was told, and why I did what I did...the library director *knew* about my past, and when a paraprofessional job came up, it *did* ask/say background check, and what my boss said, was that in the *professional* field, they didn't check...so what I did, was, I borrowned money--student loan type shit, and went off and got my MLIS, and he was right: once I got to that level, they just sort of *presumed* I wasn't going to be some twisted ex-convict ... haha...

But anyway, the bitter truth, is, that in all areas, background checks are more common, and easier, than they were about ten, fifteen years ago, when I went thru all this...*but* on the other hand, library people are often really proud of being, you know, liberal and all, so if ever there was an area that might give you a break, it'd be this one...and, unless I fessed up, like I did when I got paraprofessional job at university of texas, while working on masters: they don't always catch you...some states are better than others at putting our misdeeds on computers....

but anyway, where there's a will... And also, you would be great cataloger, which is what I did...romance languages are way in need....have you looked into getting your record expunged...I mean, in old days you could just lie, but now, it's trickier...

Thanks for the info. So, volunteering to get your foot in the door, or civil service exam. Right now I have a BA in Classics and History, which--as you said of most liberal arts degrees--is pretty useless. So, I can read Latin. Big fucking deal! Anyway, I fell into the belief that I should do what I enjoyed, and not what would be useful, which I still sort of believe, but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Anyway, yes, I've applied for the part-time jobs in libraries around me, but I never get them because of the 2 DUI's from 2002. I can understand doing a background check, but I don't understand why DUi's (and especially from six years ago) should be held against me. It's not like I'm applying to be a professional driver, and it's not like I'd be driving for part of the job. But anyway. I've never applied to the actual librarian jobs, because of course I don't have an MLS / MLIS, but thanks for the info anyway. I'll have to look into the volunteering / civil service thing. While I do need a job that pays, at least volunteering would be better than sitting on my ass, which is what I"m currently doing, especially if it could lead to a paying job. Thanks again.