suicidial ideation

[mdc420]

Hi. I'm on day 4 now of H detox and am feeling OK physically, but mentally is a whole other story. I just awake from a pleasant suicidial dream. I called my family and wished them a happy Memorial day as if nothing was wrong. I'm not actually going to do it, but does anyone have any idea how long the depression may last? Actually I've been depressed and borderline suicidal before I did drugs...which is probably what drew me to them in the first place, so maybe this is a dumb question and it's just something I'm stuck with.

I've been on ssri's and hated them, so I'm reluctant to do down that route. Adrenaline does seem to help my depression, so I think I'll take a ride on my motorcycle after posting this on some twisty country roads at high speeds. It did wonders for my mental state yesterday...for a little while.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Narkotikon]

Yeah, I can relate to your situation. Whenever I run out, I have extrmely strong feelings of lonliness. Even when you're not alone, you feel like you're isolated somehow. You just feel alone. Sadly, I deal with that buy using more. Plus, using prevents the other w/d symptoms.

I didn't think SSRI's and the other psych meds I've been on helped me either. I sometimes feel like doctors like to overmedicate patients they deam to be lost causes. You know, here, take 4mg of Risperdol a day, feel like a zombie, don't be able to function without drooling, but don't forget to pay me when your ass hits the door.

To get my mind off of things, I like to take "pleasure drives." I'll just drive around listening to music. That can help.

As far as suicidal ideation. I don't think it's bad if your sure you have no intent to actually do it. I mean, I know that's a double-edged sword: depressed people thinking of suicide being helpful. But I find it actually cathartic. I always feel better afterwards. I guess that's the Romantic in me.

[mdc420]

Thanks. A quick motorcycle ride did help...I just came back to put on warmer clothes. Also I have friends coming over for a BBQ later in the afternoon, so hopefully the feelings of despair I had earlier will ease up.

[kyuss]

try to get
on suboxone-
it ends WDs
and helps with depression

[poppy]

Hope you're feeling better now, its a day at a time mate!! Its totally natural to feel depressed at the stage of detox your at. You should be feeling really proud of yourself for going four days without heroin, Try and Enjoy your BBQ!!

[mdc420]

Thanks. Yeah...Suboxone is a miracle drug. I used it for my last detox and it was relatively painless and I didn't have the depression I do this time. I don't really want my use going on my medical records, thus I'm reluctant to ask a doctor for it. The last time I got the subs from a friend, but he didn't have any to spare this time around. I'm feeling a bit better now and a BBQ with some friends and some beers should help a bit. Xanax helps some as well, which I have a prescription for, but not nearly as much as the subs did.

[KhaosPerformer]

Dude, I know how you feel. I've been off dope for like 3 months and I still feel like I wanna die. Try to find things to entertain you and keep yourself busy, usually works ok for me. If you are allowed to take other drugs (I am not) try smoking some herb or doing some xanax or valium. Even drinking can give one that short respite from the awful depression that can give you the strength to go on for a few more days

good luck
-K

[tui]

first off, congrats...

Of course you feel like shit... it's emotional payback time.... it WILL get easier.

Things that help me:

-sex
-books!!! ..the BEST way to escape (well, other than heroin!)...
-music (but make sure it's not sad shit... k?)
-renting funny movies
-exercise (even though i hate it, it makes feel euphoric after...)
-getting some sunshine
-writing & drawing
-straight friends
-nature walks are good...

and i work a lot. Working REALLY helps. Dont give yourself too much free time....


luck,

t

[mdc420]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm doing much better now that it's been several weeks. I haven't checked this board before today as i was trying to immerse myself in work and often reading this board makes me want to get high more often than not...so I've avoided it for a while. I have my own company in addition to a 9-5 job and since I quit using dope the company is starting to take off...I expect to be making enough with my side web/video business to be able to quit my 9-5 by the end of the summer and my business partners and I are planning on buying the land we are currently living on along with some surrounding property and putting up windmills, solar panels, other forms of green energy, of which we would sell the excess energy either back to the grid, or perhaps we will be able to pick up enough land to form a green community. I live in an up and coming tech area and there are a lot of professionals who would probably like to live in an upscale community powered exclusively by green energy sources.

Anyway...between my work and some low dose pod maintanance my depression is much less crippling than when I first started this thread.

Thanks.

[earthenone]

Glad to hear u r doin better, I too take joy rides to deal with the wd depression, but lately if u make more than one trip around the block it's cheaper to just buy more dope, with the gas prices, probaly aint so bad on a motercycle though than with my 13 mpg guzzler. But I can totallly relate, and lexipro dont help with that kind of crippling depression, my fam keeps me goin, and the 40 dollar drives around and around the city, ive also found large doses of benzos help to not care.