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[Substance-P-Inhibition]

Hey guys,
I've recently gotten clean. This was all due to my Suboxone doc. I kept failing drug tests just over and over and over. I would tell myself that I was getting clean, and then I'd go and get a gram and shoot it up. Then I'd feel like shit a day later. But anyway, the doc kept me on his program after failing 6 drug tests. What a great fucking guy, huh? Well, I got a call from my doc about 3 weeks ago, saying I failed another drug test. This couldn't be right. But oh well. I put off calling him, and when I finally did (last week) he had to take the week off for a funeral. I mean I can't blame him, but my appt was last week! So I had to buy suboxones off my friends and shit. Finally I got a call from my doc, and he said "In 25 words or less, why should I keep you as a patient?"
"Well, I'm in intensive therapy, I'm in NA, I have been clean for a month, I will throw myself in a rehab facility if I use again. Instead of the last time I got clean where I just tried to make it through each day, I've been proactive and I made a plan. I figured out why I want to be clean-- because I was getting too sick to do my school work and school work is the number 1 thing in my life and I need to do well. I figured out what to do when I'm having cravings-call my dad, my friends, write, or draw... and I'm determined. You know that."
He said "Make and appointment for Thursday"
Oh sweet jesus I've been given a chance at life again.

I've got more stories about life as a junky, as a clean person, and as a normal person. I'll write more, but I need a cigarrette. What about you guys?

Why did you start?
Why did you or do you want to get clean?
Do you have any poems or short stories you wanna share?
Anything else?

[Chipper]

I cleaned my act up after hitting rock bottom, after turning 38 (the average age of cleanups, i beleive), after hospitalization and after being sick of sweating and bloating on methadone.

[nick]

Started because I'm an idiot who couldn't see the beauty in life.

Tried to stop because I wasn't high anymore(just scared of being sick) and I missed the little things-you know like lying in bed because I had to get up because I was sick.....I'm going to try and get clean again real soon because I'm so tired.

Oh and Substance,much good luck.Life's what we make it-heaven or hell.

[Euphoricgirl]

Started because I'm an idiot who couldn't see the beauty in life.

Tried to stop because I wasn't high anymore(just scared of being sick) and I missed the little things-you know like lying in bed because I had to get up because I was sick.....I'm going to try and get clean again real soon because I'm so tired.

Oh and Substance,much good luck.Life's what we make it-heaven or hell.

Nick, you amaze me luv. Always speak the truth, yours and to others and find fault in no one most of time.:cool: Are you Jesus resurrected?

[Substance-P-Inhibition]

On Saturday, I borrowed my friend's car and went to the mall, and my friend (who is also a reformed junky) was paranoid about me using (because I took the car and usually that only means one thing), and he wrote me this letter with a poem. It's pretty good, here it is:



I wrote this poem today from an image I thought of when I was freaking out
Saturday night. It is ugly but it's supposed to be. Don't take it personally,
despite the fact it is about you. What I mean by that is that I'm not trying to
say anything with it, its just of discription of a feeling, it's more about me
than you. I do believe you are doing well, I just wrote this because I wanted to
share my this place in mind with you. Maybe it will help you understand me a
little bit better. Even though it's dark, I'd rather get it in the open than let
it fester. Let me know what you think. Also, I'm going to the library straight
after class. I'm thinking the 16th floor, probably one of the wings. Hope to see you
there,


My Worst Daymare

There you are
Just 6 feet away
but between us stands the wall
of your fully furnished Plexi glass cage
I can see you, but you don't see me
I yell and bang on the glass, but you can't hear me
I feel like a ghost
The movies have it all wrong, the scary thing about ghosts is being one
You sit down on the sofa, and open up your tiny backpack
You inspect and place a hypodermic needle, a spoon, a little bag of tan powder,
a ball of cotton, a lighter, and a bottle of water on the coffee table infront
of you.
Each item you remove elicits an outburst of supportive drivil from me: "No!",
"Remember your dreams","Don't do it, you are strong enough","Think how good you
will feel if you throw it away","Why are you doing this?" The tone of my voice
becomes increasingly desperate.
But no matter how load I scream, no matter how hard I beat the glass, it is like I
don't exist.
I run around the perimeter of the cage, not knowing what exactly I expect to
find. No door, do window, no nothing. I can't do anything but watch as you go
about your grim work.
You meticulously open the bag and pour it's contents into the spoon
I won't accept my helplessness. I repeatedly kick the wall. I yell "STTOOOPPP!".
All for nothing. "I have to help her" I think to myslef over and over.
I'm running out pf ideas. I punch the glass, more out of frustration than anything.
The pain feels good. It is the only thing that distracts me even slightly from
the horror show. Again. Again. My nuckles start to bleed. Again. The pain is
overwhelming. Again. CRACK! I break a finger. A incredible shockwave of sharp
pain shoots up my arm. I want to punch it again but I can't make a fist.
You draw the solution through the cotton into the syringe.
"There is nothing you can do" My rational brain keeps repeating. At first it is
so alien a thought that it might as well been in Swaheli. But eventually I
realize it as cold hard fact.
The futility is overwhelming. My panic has been has become sorrow. I colapse to
my knees and weep.
My hand is in agony and my throat is so sore I can hardly whisper
But it is my bleeding heart reduces me to tears.
You've tied off your arm, and are looking for a vien.
I cannot watch. I feel nausaus. I am exausted. I lie on the ground by side of
the cage and close my eyes.
I sink in to catatonic dispair,
as you push the plunger in and slip into euphoria.


Pretty good huh?
I think it kind of reminds me of my own rational thoughts when I'm using.. I'm not trying to convince anyone to be clean, because I will be the first person to tell you that I would not be here if it wasn't for opiates. I would not have made it through some of those times without it, and I know that. Opiates help with physical pain as well as emotional pain. Not feeling so much pain helps you heal faster. That's my take on it.

[Substance-P-Inhibition]

Thanks Nick. I'm working on it.

[nick]

Eg,I'm just a poor sinner hoping for the best.


and substance,right,we'll keep working and with a bit of luck we'll find somekinda peace.

[Ragdoll]

Don't think I'll ever forget that line: The movies have it all wrong, the scary thing about ghosts is being one

Best of the best to you, Substance

By the way, this is yours: http://clicksmilies.com/s1106/tiere/animal-smiley-041.gif

[Euphoricgirl]

Don't think I'll ever forget that line: The movies have it all wrong, the scary thing about ghosts is being one

Best of the best to you, Substance

By the way, this is yours: http://clicksmilies.com/s1106/tiere/animal-smiley-041.gif



Sister Rags, I think the whole board could use an army of those little blue elephants right about now. ;)

[flipside]

Don't think I'll ever forget that line:

The movies have it all wrong, the scary thing about ghosts is being one



Wow Rags..that sums up in one sentance what I could not in a whole paragraph.

[limitless_euphoria]

Today SWIM decided he'd had enough with his back troubles. The prescribed meds just were not doing the trick. So SWIM took a ride with the man to go meet somebody. SWIM decided to hop up on the horse mainly for medicinal purposes. On the way SWIM was offered a couple free bumps of snow. He hadn't done it in a while so he couldn't resist.

I warned SWIM about the danger/consequences of his actions but right now he's out to lunch, or perhaps dinner. His back pain is GONE. In a way, I can't say I blame my friend. It's a tough deal living with pain. Gettin' smacked isn't always the answer but necessity will dictate the course of action... Nevertheless, last I checked in with my buddy, he's feeling no pain.

I'm sure this is a familiar tale to many among us. :)

[ProdigalSon]

Hell, I tried ta git clean. I failed. I guess my aspirations were my friends and family

[Substance-P-Inhibition]

I'm still clean.. I just finished college for the year, and I think summer's going to be tough, though. However, if I can make it through this summer, I know I'll be doing pretty well...

[sp33dballin]

sobriety... feh!