for anyone who has quit, or wants to.

[insanesteveo]

if you havent read in my other posts, i have quit opiates for a couple days, well that was a week and a half ago, then i had a tooth pulled, got 20 vicodins, but used them sparingly the first couple days for pain. barely made me feel well at all. then the pain went away, and i thought i would save them, and we all know that didnt happen, because no one can SAVE pills when they are sick. so i used up the two small doses of tea and stems i had, along with around 13 vikes in two days. quit again on this sunday. so this is day 4 i guess.

anyways, i wasnt able to sleep tonight, again, so i wrote some shit that was on my mind. im so tired since i started a second job, so working around 14 hours a day and not sleeping the last two nights has made me a little crazy. im not sure if this will even make sense since im just going to type it up straight from the paper i wrote it on laying in my bed not being able to sleep. of course using my blue pen that has an led light in it, so i dont even have to turn on a light, but its not a spotlight, more of a glow, so i can barely see the paper and i just start writing and sort it out later. but im not going to sort it out. you are.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Don't forget the chills you had when waking up, the sweat dripping down your back, soaking in the bed. Don't forget you leg wildly kicking the sheets off, then you frantically searching for them, strewn about the floor, because at that second you were freezing. Never mind that you'd kick, them off in another five minutes.

Don't forget the deep aches and pains, the bad ones, worse than you get from going back to the gym too aggressively after a year of sitting on the couch smoking cigarettes. Don't forget the stinging and tingling on top of the pain. That jolt as if a million volts are pulsing through your body escaping through your legs in a giant bolt.

Don't forget the extreme lethargy. The feeling as if you haven't slept for days, because you haven't.

Don't forget the deep depression and anxiety that overcomes your mind. That feeling of perpetual worthlessness. The pit. That persistent thought of taking the easy way out.

But no, that's not your gig. You couldn't do it if your friend handed you his newly purchased, loaded and cocked, 9 mm. You've loved the intricacies of life and nature since you were a kid. You can't hurt anything, including yourself.

So you just stick with it. Don't go and score big with your next paycheck. Overcome the need to make everything numb. Learn to live with normality for awhile. It'll all seem worthwhile soon enough. Go for a walk. Get out of the house. Go grab some loperamide from the store, the desperate junky's methadone. Maybe you can get some xanax or valium from your crazy drunkard, stoner friends. Clonidine will help you sleep a couple hours tonight, take two or three and you're out. And if you're smart and plan ahead, order some tramadol and neurontin, so help with the cravings and depression, respectively.

No, hold in there man. You can do it. You always have your retirement years to become a junky again.(And if you get a good job and maintain self control, try to be a chipper. That is if you are courageous, as the chippers walk hand in hand with the god and the devil. They walk the fine line between sobriety and addiction. But you can do it man, give it a try)

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

its funny i had to add all those damn drugs and weird terms into my spell check. the damn red lines were annoying me.

[Euphoricgirl]

Holy shit Insane. Sounds foundly familar.

[insanesteveo]

Holy shit Insane. Sounds foundly familar.



yea, there were a couple parts inspired by posts here, but mostly my experience. i also tried to write as though it weren't really speaking to myself, but projecting a message. kinda made the usual bad parts of junky life come out. but then that twist at the end, i love it. its where i will end up. i know it. chipping then getting addicted again. and its funny because i just finally read that chipping thread this morning. right after i wrote this.

[Opilover]

Steveo my hats off to you bro and I'm behind ya a 100%,I truely hope you can stick with it. I myself have tried a few times and can relate to everything you wrote.Being sick from the pills are like hell on earth.Many times when I ran out and was in wd's I sometimes would be lucky enough to get like 15 vicodins and tried to figure how to stretch them out and my first thought is lets get like 5 or 6 in me now then I'll ration the others out,but it never works the way I want it,the 15 only last me like 3 doses then I'm back to square one.Hopefully one day I can get of the train myself and stop thinking about how I'm gonna score more and think about normal things...Sorry to ramble,,anyways again GOOD LUCK and I'm sure I can speak for most of us here we are behind you all the way and if you do to happen to backslide well fuck it and try again rehabbing is a bitch....

TAKE CARE

[OxyContinuously]

Hey, I'm behind you, man. And furthermore, if you are on day 4, you have gotten through the *worst* bullshit. It's a start, and a damn good one at that. Stick with it, man. It's a shitty road with too many bumps along the way, but it 100% *can* be done, and from reading your post, it seems like you are doing a damn good job so far. Kepp it up! ;-)

That was good writing too, by the way.

later dude

Oxy

[candyshop]

that was just eerie -i swear i got the crawlies reading it
i am taking the easy way out
but even so
i believe the first glimmer of possible freedom can go a little way in combating the depression
let us know how you are holding up
what you are doing takes major nads

you rock

[insanesteveo]

first, thanks to everyone, you guys are seriously the only ones that i tell this stuff to, the only ones who would understand too. coincidence? no.

so i just had a brief lifting session, which i havent done forever, kinda like i wrote in that thar up ther. so as i am lifting, im staring at two small containers of kroger poppy seeds. 2.12 oz each. so thats 4 ounces. a quarter of a pound. thats 1/4th to 1/8th my dose when i was using seeds. so i thought i would use it to make some tea and ease the pain of this workout.....

but then i sat down and read all these replies. very refreshing. thanks guys!!

oh, im not going to drink the tea now, thats where i was going with that.

time to shower and start my 9 hour day with no sleep.

you all have fun with your drugs, let us all know how good swim got off. and if youre good, and ask politely, i will show you another thing i wrote while at my parents house, in the middle of nowhere, beautiful nature.....ahhhhhhh.

[Chipper]

Hang in there. I enjoyed reading your prose, especially the part about chippers, of course.

I do, however, think that you have a bit too much on your plate (the second job and the long hours and you're trying to detox as well? - that's quite a load)

I hope you aren't feeling too lousy...

[Opilover]

Well you got the talent for writing thats for sure,,damn now you got me interested in what else you wrote and your gonna make us wait LOL

Have A Good One

[Rent]

Good job Steveo!! Hang in there man...(more for me) Just kidding. Keep writing though, I agree with the other poster, you have talent!!

[Nate]

Don't forget the chills you had when waking up, the sweat dripping down your back, soaking in the bed. Don't forget you leg wildly kicking the sheets off, then you frantically searching for them, strewn about the floor, because at that second you were freezing. Never mind that you'd kick, them off in another five minutes.

Don't forget the deep aches and pains, the bad ones, worse than you get from going back to the gym too aggressively after a year of sitting on the couch smoking cigarettes. Don't forget the stinging and tingling on top of the pain. That jolt as if a million volts are pulsing through your body escaping through your legs in a giant bolt.


Sounds familiar, VERY familiar.

Had to change the sheets twice in one night, god dam hot cold drenching sweat. Plus that feeling of no matter how i lay im not comfortable.

[quest390]

i want to thank you for writting that post. im going through the same thing right now. im absolutely scared out of my mind. i have 2 80mg's cut in half left that i want to make last as long as possible to make the wd's as easy as i can. after reading that i dont feel so alone. ive only been on opiates for 4 months now but in just four months my life has changed so much. i had no idea how addictive and life changing opiates are. all we can do is try our best and pray to God as we understand Him. thanks again and pm me if you ever need to talk or anything. God Bless. quest

[insanesteveo]

Good job Steveo!! Hang in there man...(more for me) Just kidding. Keep writing though, I agree with the other poster, you have talent!!
thanks rent! i think im going to post the story i sent you in a bit, along with some pictures i took at the zoo today, it was awesome.

Sounds familiar, VERY familiar.

Had to change the sheets twice in one night, god dam hot cold drenching sweat. Plus that feeling of no matter how i lay im not comfortable.

oh yea man, the thing that kills me is the restlessness. i couldnt sleep for 48 hours, then last night i got really drunk and finally passed out. felt really good.

i want to thank you for writting that post. im going through the same thing right now. im absolutely scared out of my mind. i have 2 80mg's cut in half left that i want to make last as long as possible to make the wd's as easy as i can. after reading that i dont feel so alone. ive only been on opiates for 4 months now but in just four months my life has changed so much. i had no idea how addictive and life changing opiates are. all we can do is try our best and pray to God as we understand Him. thanks again and pm me if you ever need to talk or anything. God Bless. quest

if you want some advice man, i would save those oxys. dont use them at all, give them away if you have to. hell, sell them to someone for cheap and go get a big bottle of immodium. its loperamide and about 12 mg on up helps tremendously. and if you have a tolerance to opiates, taking large amounts is not really dangerous.(i think, i havent looked into it, just seems logical)
then just hang in there. youre on oxys, which should be a quick detox. i was using pods, im on day 5, working two jobs, and i actually feel great. probably the neurontin though, i love that stuff. for me its a halfway speedy anti depressant. im so happy and social on it. i believe you can get it pretty easy online. that and clonidine, to help you sleep. but whatever you do, just hang in there, and remember all that shit i wrote, so you wont want to get addicted again. im sure down the road i will be addicted again, but i accept that and for now keep reminding myself of how bad it feels to quit. of course i also obsess over getting high too.
working out, lifting, biking, jogging, hell, even walking is good for you. anything to get your adrenaline flowing and to force your brain to start producing its own endorphins. it will make you hurt and ache, but its a different ache than when you are w/ding, so it kind of covers the other aches up, and they arent as bad.

.................................................. ................................
as for me guys, like i said, im on day 5, feeling awesome. i started hanging out and doing stuff again. im talking to my friends, being crazy(or insane, or insane crazy, i say whos sane and you say shady). opiates have changed me, but i think for the better. i have a better understanding of life, and the deep, depressing abyss that you can fall into. but what you have to realize is that there is a ladder hanging right in the middle, just to help you get out. but depending on your state of mind, that ladder can be big enough to hold a thousand people, or it can shrink to the size of a strand of spider web, leaving you trapped with no way out. but its up to you to make the silk turn back into a ladder. a ladder to freedom and the riches of nature.

and now i have gone blank, so ill leave you alone and get my ass on posting another story and some sweet pics.

[l4l5]

Hang in there. I enjoyed reading your prose, especially the part about chippers, of course.

I do, however, think that you have a bit too much on your plate (the second job and the long hours and you're trying to detox as well? - that's quite a load)

I hope you aren't feeling too lousy...

I can say this is a big problem, you are detoxing and working your arse off, its not helping, try to rest as much as u can bro,

I am in same boat, I started a new job the other day the first day after my last oxy was used up, and boy did i feel like shit, your getting the picture, I had some codeine and felt better, but i was really not wanting to leave the house, I had only 4 hours sleep if that, i felt like throwing up, my mind was going no OC YOU HAVE NO OC, after a coffee and some breakfast i felt better and went to the new job, which was the best move i could make, being at work took me away from the constant mind fuck of being sick, and i got thru the day with fuck all codeine no sweats nothing, I was just a little Quiet. im at day 4 as well now, so hang in there brother,it gets easier it really does

[Opilover]

Steveo way to go bro,your at day 5 I think the worst is behind you,my hat is off to you..Hell I think I made it to day 3 and wd's got the better of me,so I quess I'm alot weaker then you,but after finding this board I have learned alot of tips to help with the wd's and I think when I do need to quit I can do it this time.Right now I have to be on the pain meds but after surgery and all the time will come when I'm gonna say thats it and quit.Well keep up the great work and you have defeated the beast so you da MAN lol.

Take Care

[insanesteveo]

Steveo way to go bro,your at day 5 I think the worst is behind you,my hat is off to you..Hell I think I made it to day 3 and wd's got the better of me,so I quess I'm alot weaker then you,but after finding this board I have learned alot of tips to help with the wd's and I think when I do need to quit I can do it this time.Right now I have to be on the pain meds but after surgery and all the time will come when I'm gonna say thats it and quit.Well keep up the great work and you have defeated the beast so you da MAN lol.

Take Care
thanks man! for some reason it was really easy this time. i swear to god its the loperamide. and i swear it works for pain somewhat too. i had a tooth that was dead, infected, and needed to be pulled. but of course i waited almost 2 weeks after it started hurting to do anything about it. the first week i had opiates, so it didnt really hurt much. the next week i wasnt using as many opiates, so it started killing me. and then when i ran out of opiates and started taking the loperamide, it quit hurting. i swear that stuff killed my pains. it sure took away most of the major aches and pains from w/d. as well as the shits, sweating(still had chills for some reason, but as long as im not drenched in sweat also, i can handle those), and most of the other w/d symptoms.

and for those of you who wanted to read more of my stuff. or i should say my other one story. here:

new and improved! WITH PICS! COME TAKE A LOOK!!!! The girls are just waiting to take their clothes off for you! CLICK HERE----->http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=7519