Chemical dependance/self control issues - helpme

[Digitopium]

THIS IS PASTED FROM ANOTHER POST WHERE I SPONTANEOUSLY POSTED THIS AS I WAS INSPIRED THEN - the context is people posting that junkiejames needs help and wont listen. I posted I need help and WILL listen. Thanks in advance to all who read my story, and extra special thanks to those who take the next step.

Yo James, we dont have any history, and you probably have never read one of my posts because alot of them were before you joined and I post infrequently....
I wish I posted enough to garner concern from the thoughtful people on this board....FUCK I NEED HELP myself. I have been to a sub doc and got a script....but have never been able to shake the cravings I have for Oxy, which I have 4 different connects for at prices between 15-30 per 80mg pill. My drug use has affected my ability to get work recently and I know that I am just fucking myself over hardcore by using at all...the type of work I do, freelance film/video editing and related stuff means I can work from home and be fucking high all day if I like....I live in downtown LA and my first Oxy connect I met litterally lives 1 BLOCK AWAY FROM ME in a halfway house/hotel. Talk about the need for goddamn TREMENDOUS self controll...which I have never been able to muster up completely. I have an amazing girlfriend who doesnt use and wants nothing more than for me to get clean....
My problem is I smoked alot of pot in high school/college and ate vicodin like candy. Luckily thier sporadic availibility kept me from aquiring a physical addiciton to them back then....
So when I am on subs for any period of time I typically fiend for some type of high and recently have been doing alot of (good) coke. Like a gram a day. my Oxy habit was 80-120 bucks a day at its peak, and that was paying average $20/80mg. Fuck I wish I had not been making as much money as I was.
Point is I started on the path to getting clean last july or so and have not been able to stay off Oxy for more than 2 weeks at a time since. I kept switching back and fourth which killed my low tolerance and put me through PAINFULL physical w/d regularly. Shit I was dopesick all fucking sunday until about midnight when I gave in and bought some Oxy. Today I am going to attempt to gain the sympathy of my sub doc who I just stopped calling/making appointments because he is the type of doc who, I believe, sincerely wants to help me and doesnt care as much about the money.

So I went from buying 30 80s a week ($450), then the movie was over (job ends) and I couldnt support my habit so I go first to a clinic (ABSOLUTE HELL, w/ding there = worst experience of my life), say fuck that and find a well regarded sub doc. All this goes on my credit card...48 8mg subs $250, $500 induction, $150 bi monthly visits, and the whole time any money I am making freelancing I buy Oxy with and stop taking subs for 3 days and try to get high (like it wasnt the stupidest fucking thing I could do since I was on a sub and therapy regiment).


While working 1/3 of my weekly paycheck was going to Oxy....my high paying job ends and I go into debt trying to get clean, while the whole time I cannot stop craving opiates. And the times I was clean I was doing coke or sometimes K or smoking pot heavily. Its clear I have issues with chemical dependence. I just want to enjoy sobriety again so maybe one day in the future I can party again without paying for it physically and emotionally.


Sorry to sort of hi-jack this thread, but it seems like there are alot of caring eyes reading this one and I wanted to get this off my chest and say I welcome any suggestions, PMs, help I can get. I mean obviously sub doc and therapy, but how do I stop obsessing? When I am dopesick I have a one track mind - "relief"...


And at this point, before signing off, I quote William S. Bouroughs who wrote in [i]Naked Lunch[i]:
"In the words of total need: "Wouldn't you?" Yes you would. You would Lie, Cheat, inform on your friends, steal, do anything to satisfy total need. Because you would be in a state of total sickness, total possession, and not in a position to act in any other way".


Nobody steal that as thier signature quote. Its mine :rolleyes:


So I think the problem is I never had any junky friends or people that I used with that I could learn from or share the experience with. Everything that happened I learned for the first time by experience....the only "help" was from reading things here....I read posts here months before ever writing a word....and now I implore anybody with compassion to hit me up on AIM, or PMing me, or posting here.
How do you cope...moreover, how do you STOP, for good? With cheap access to your DOC and the fact that you unwittingly memorized the dealers' numbers, how does one STOP on thier own? The junky mind never considers long term consequences when in the state of "total need", the only thing on your mind - RELIEF.


Help, anybody, please. James, you are a fool for being as blythe as you are. When I am high I dont care either....but somehow being on Oxy and coke I am able to type all of this knowing the entire board will know my story/dilemma from now on. I just thought, for a moment, I should delete all of this and just keep posting as a cool customer. But I really do want help, so I am going to post this and not edit it so as to preserve the integrity of my original intentions.


I have only done this because I think I might benefit from somebody else reading this and giving me worthwhile feedback. Sorry this is so fucking long, I think I might Copy/Paste it into its own thread. May all those who read this far be blessed with what I call a junky miracle - like finding a whole 80 that you stashed somewhere and forgot about and really need it at the moment (Happened to me 2 months ago).


Here's hoping for the best,


Digitopium

[candyshop]

if it helps (which it does not)
i really really get it
i want nothing more than my freedom and it seems impossible
i start subs tomorrow
i have no local connect which helps
hope you find a way out
read some of the success stories here
nick kicked smack ct after 20 yrs
others have done it
talk to your dr about the intensity of your cravings
not all approaches work for all people

i wish you all the luck in the world
and believe me i know the pain

[RxQueen]

i don't know that i can be of much help advice-wise, but my thoughts are with ANYONE that struggles. the most important part of quitting for me has always been to really really WANT it. to really want to quit for myself, and not for any other reason (family, friend, job, etc). once the physical part of the WD ends, it's all about the desire to stay clean. not that it's ever worked for me.... i don't have the desire to not be high sometimes.

some people i know have tried just moving away once they decided to kick... new town, no connects seems to make it easier for them to stay away from it for long enough to regain a clearer head about it. like i said, i don't have much good advice but i wish you the best of luck! talk to your sub dr about this, maybe he can help.

[OCfenatiq]

i don't know that i can be of much help advice-wise, but my thoughts are with ANYONE that struggles. the most important part of quitting for me has always been to really really WANT it. to really want to quit for myself, and not for any other reason (family, friend, job, etc). once the physical part of the WD ends, it's all about the desire to stay clean. not that it's ever worked for me.... i don't have the desire to not be high sometimes.

some people i know have tried just moving away once they decided to kick... new town, no connects seems to make it easier for them to stay away from it for long enough to regain a clearer head about it. like i said, i don't have much good advice but i wish you the best of luck! talk to your sub dr about this, maybe he can help.
This is what I was going to say...Several years ago I needed to get clean and tried for a long time with no success and finally I up and moved, got away from every thing and everyone and... success. I was clean for 6 years and will say that the first few months were tough but after that it really wasn't that bad and actually being clean hurts for a while but give it time and you actually feel better than getting that high you so much desire. With this said, this is no guarantee but is the only thing I have to go by. You seem to want it so go for it and don't look back, it will be tough and you should expect it to be so you aren't surprised when it is, but you have friends here for support...Keep us posted...

[Digitopium]

Thanks to the few that posted, I do appreciate it. Unfortunately though, I cannot leave this big city, not yet at least. For what I do, this is THE place to make money. I only wish i could forget some of the phone numbers I know, if you get my drift. I really wish i could get away....just jet set and start over.

The point is, i need to get to grips with what my real priorities are and stop living in the moment. Being high isn't everything, despite what alot of people on this board seem to act like. I mean, once you taste the sublime intoxication of pure, concentrated opiates.....it is hard to think that you would have to say goodbye, forever.....

We all want to think we can be chippers. I want to think that. Hell, if I can stop long enough to really be "clean", that maybe I can rationalize getting loaded on occasion.

I really need to have the power to stop at will. If I can stop, then starting isnt as bad.

Continuous use is a hell of a trap to get out of though.

[roxi*stardust]

Thanks to the few that posted, I do appreciate it. Unfortunately though, I cannot leave this big city, not yet at least. For what I do, this is THE place to make money. I only wish i could forget some of the phone numbers I know, if you get my drift. I really wish i could get away....just jet set and start over.

The point is, i need to get to grips with what my real priorities are and stop living in the moment. Being high isn't everything, despite what alot of people on this board seem to act like. I mean, once you taste the sublime intoxication of pure, concentrated opiates.....it is hard to think that you would have to say goodbye, forever.....

We all want to think we can be chippers. I want to think that. Hell, if I can stop long enough to really be "clean", that maybe I can rationalize getting loaded on occasion.

I really need to have the power to stop at will. If I can stop, then starting isnt as bad.

Continuous use is a hell of a trap to get out of though.
Have you ever thought about tapering off. Or when you get the Bupe maybe asking for some type of anti-anxiety med and an anti -depressant? Get you brain chemicals right again? Cymbalta is good for this. Good luck to you my friend, I have simialr issues.

[Badly Drawn Girl]

I haven't been on this site in forever and yours is the first post I came across. I'm not sure that anyone can really help you. This is one of those things that we all have to face eventually, at least the thought of getting clean, and what works for some won't work for others. I actually kicked my habit while smoking crack. Not something I would recommend. It was hard, painful and I never thought I'd come out the other side. But I did. I then had to kick my coke habit which was much easier, for me, than my opiate habit. Course in a true evil twist of fate, I got super sick, ended up in the hospital, was put on a diludid pump and then sent home with percs. I'm not abusing my meds though and it's the damnedest thing. I never thought the day would come when I would have a handle on this stuff. I just got to the point where I knew I was out of control. Having a near death experience helped me to see that I was really fucking off and helps me stay clean. I wish you all the strength you need to kick your habit. Best of luck to you!

[HeidiW]

Chipping for me? Yeah, right. You gotta go through some personal losses/ i.e. bullshit before you get sick and tired of the dope and the consequences of using. And even then, some never stop. It's a cold, hard fact.

I've been to prison for 5 years, been to 12 inpatient treatment centers, lost custody permanently of my oldest son, blah, blah, blah and I STILL haven't 'got it'.
I probably never will. For me, it's a weird self-esteem thing. Deep down, I don't like myself without some kind of euphoria-inducing chemical in my system. I don't feel I'm charming, witty, beautiful or any of the things I wish I was naturally. I have to take drugs to make up for what I think I lack. Sick yes. But, it's the truth. I hate admitting I'm weak when it comes to dope. I think alot of us are.

I think the trick is learning to live with your addiction and still half-assed maintain in our society. Good luck, that's all I can say. I'm not the one you should be talking to about trying to quit dope. Though I'll give you any kind of mental support/empathy you might need. I hate to see a fellow addict suffer.

[freedomclub]

methadone is stronger than subs and many not all have stopped other drugs after getting on a high enough dose.

[nick]

Actually,I hate to say this,but I agree with Freedom club.Nothing to do with Freedom club(who's a cool guy) but I hate methadone.However I think you should consider it.


You're obviously not ready to quit,so maintenance may be the way to go.


Oh and you have junky friends now-US.

[OxyContinuously]

Either you make up your mind to quit, and use Subs or Methadone, OR nothing if you are stoic

OR

you stay using; I have found personally that there is no comfortable "middle" when it comes to opioids, at least for me. It seems like a blessing and a curse, but if you really want to quit, or taper off, I'll be happy to share a regimen that worked extremely well for me, as my drug of choice is Oxy as well

later and much good luck

Oxy

[defenestrate]

i kicked hard off of fent the other weekend. 3 days of hell, but it was a long time coming. bringing my fiancee down easier on vicodin. i'm at the point where if i don't take vicodin all day i don't feel withdrawal, which to the less-experiencedessentially means i'm doing pretty fucking well, because i haven't been able to feel anything from vicodin without fear for my liver for god knows how long because i was always doing something harder.

maybe that's not helpful. i guess what i'm getting at is that you have to WANT it.. REALLY want it, to kick long enough to reevaluate your situation and decide how you want to handle your habit/lack of habit/etc. it's your call, but if you know people you can share with and that really care they will help you. make a plan, get someone you can trust to keep you off the street for a few days, take whatever will help soften the blow, but just fucking do it. for some, subs and methadone seem the only way to go-i believe that suboxone is a little easier to come off of, but if you just want a steady and adjustable amount of opiation in your system (though it will be tough to come off due to the potency), go to methadone. i think that methadone is a junky's best friend if they are just between big scores, but a horrible thing for someone trying to keep a mild habit or actually quit. heidiw, i believe we've more or less agreed on this before.

man, what a drag it is having consequences for your actions, huh?
(no sarcasm intended-i empathise)

digi,
you're in the big leagues now, obviously. vics will kill you before you develop half the addiction you can on OCs. i kicked a 400mg/night habit about 2 years ago on suboxone. i still suffered coming off the suboxone, but it broke up my habit, broke up the routine, and that was enough for me. i will personally probably always be an occasional user, but at least for now i am clean, not sick, and that's pretty cool.. maybe i can stick it out till harvest time..

[OCfenatiq]

i kicked hard off of fent the other weekend. 3 days of hell, but it was a long time coming. bringing my fiancee down easier on vicodin. i'm at the point where if i don't take vicodin all day i don't feel withdrawal, which to the less-experiencedessentially means i'm doing pretty fucking well, because i haven't been able to feel anything from vicodin without fear for my liver for god knows how long because i was always doing something harder.

maybe that's not helpful. i guess what i'm getting at is that you have to WANT it.. REALLY want it, to kick long enough to reevaluate your situation and decide how you want to handle your habit/lack of habit/etc. it's your call, but if you know people you can share with and that really care they will help you. make a plan, get someone you can trust to keep you off the street for a few days, take whatever will help soften the blow, but just fucking do it. for some, subs and methadone seem the only way to go-i believe that suboxone is a little easier to come off of, but if you just want a steady and adjustable amount of opiation in your system (though it will be tough to come off due to the potency), go to methadone. i think that methadone is a junky's best friend if they are just between big scores, but a horrible thing for someone trying to keep a mild habit or actually quit. heidiw, i believe we've more or less agreed on this before.

man, what a drag it is having consequences for your actions, huh?
(no sarcasm intended-i empathise)

digi,
you're in the big leagues now, obviously. vics will kill you before you develop half the addiction you can on OCs. i kicked a 400mg/night habit about 2 years ago on suboxone. i still suffered coming off the suboxone, but it broke up my habit, broke up the routine, and that was enough for me. i will personally probably always be an occasional user, but at least for now i am clean, not sick, and that's pretty cool.. maybe i can stick it out till harvest time..
Hey, really to anyone...but quick question on getting off OCs using suboxone. I've heard it takes the sickness away, but what about energy or motivation. Without an OC in the morning or something it seems I have no motivation at all which makes it a lot harder to stop and continue your job or responsibilities since there is basically no will to even get out of bed...know what I mean???? If so or anyone who has used suboxone to get off anything, do they help with motivation at all or just w/ds?? Please respond with any info and thanks in advance for the help...

[candyshop]

subs are very very helpful with the motivation,cravings and depression-for me
people respond differently to them and finding your ideal dose seems key

i am at 3 weeks and i feel great
but some people do not care for them
i think the only way to know is to explore a few options until you find what works for you

[OCfenatiq]

subs are very very helpful with the motivation,cravings and depression-for me
people respond differently to them and finding your ideal dose seems key

i am at 3 weeks and i feel great
but some people do not care for them
i think the only way to know is to explore a few options until you find what works for you
Thanks, should be getting some soon hopefully and will keep posted on results...