Re-relapsed......AGAIN!

[sidman]

Well,I knew this very Humbling experience was bound to happen if I didn't immediately pursue getting some kind of help when I was released from prison....it was just a matter of time,that's all.
I started getting high again.
The "people,places and things" got to me( but they are not the sole reasons because I knew I was playing with fire and I did it anyways!) and I thought I could handle it,despite the nagging which my inner consciousness was ripping into me!
The very first DAY of my release from prison,I had an awful feeling of doom and despair because I was (and still am) afraid to be here amongst my old "haunts'" and I couldn't help but feel that I wouldn't last long.
So, it took a week or so,but as of some day's ago,I had some beers'. Then cocaine "bumped" into me and said," HEYYYYYY,Old Freind!! Where have you been? Me and the "Shmack Attack" were just thinking about you and then POW!! There you are with your old buddy "Weiser" and I just had to come and Check ya!! Guess who's with me and who would just LOVE to see you man? Thats right!! The "Shmack'ster" is right over there and you know she'll be jealous if you don't go over and say,"HIGH!"
Well,you know that I couldn't do THAT....So I went over to see how the "Shmack'stress" was doing and the next thing I knew,I was falling madly in love with her again.
After spending a few day's with her,telling her how much I missed her, I told her," Well my love,I must be going because I shouldn't of allowed myself to make your re-aquaintance."
I then proceeded to leave but before I got through the door she Lustily whispered to me in that Silky,Sexy and Captivating voice of her's," Baby,Don't you want my number? You know that I will miss you,don't you?"
So,I foolishly took her number.
I could'nt resist attempting to reach her the very next day,because I had allowed myself to fall madly in love with her again and I wantonly,shakily, with lust in my polluted heart and mind,dialed her alluring number.
She was not there but her 80 Milli-"Gram" Mother, "Oxy", was and she in her smooth voice said to me, " Get your ass over here boy and show me some LOVIN'!"
I thought ," Oh.....WHAT THE HELL!! Whyyyyy Not!" and then I proceeded to tell her I would be there as soon as possible and that, "Yes, I missed you so very much toooooooo!"
So, I've been with "Oxy", the 80 Milli-"gramma ", since that day when we were "Re-united"(And it feels so gooooood!) and I also saw her today too.
Then, a remarkable thing happened to me as I was walking here.
I think it was my "Inner-Voice" and it started (and has been for this whole day so far) to remind me of all the bad consequences that will happen if I don't Immediately "dump" my old "Friends'" and go get help.
It has been telling me that I will end right back in prison and that I'll end up Detoxing all over again in the midst of Loud,Abrasive and Misery-Ridden Personalities.....Again!!
"Do you want that to happen all over again, Sidman?!"
I say,"No....."
"Do you want to Die like your friends' recently, and in the past, did?"
"No......." I said again.
"Do you want the aggravation/humiliation of experiencing all of that Bullshit with the "Sickness/Insanity/
Incarceration and Hopeless Self-Loathing again,Sidman?
Again ,But more passionately, I violently shake my head,which is full beyond measure with all of the sheer HELL which has been my life from the use of these deceptive and devastating drug's,"NOOOOO,
DAMN IT, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........................... ........."
Then ,quietly,while fading away,my conscience clearly whispered to me, "Well,my freind and self, you know what to do, don't you.........................."
To which I answered,"yes.....yes I do."
Now I am sharing this with you fellow opiophiles,and I am getting it off of my chest and some of it out of my mind.
This is my first step and it feels good to know that alot of you are understanding and you can relate to what I am going through-------------a literal battle of life and death!
After I finish this, I am going to call my Probation Officer and He will help me get the real help which I desperately need if I am to remain out of jail.Then,while I am going through this lesson,this FACT of my life,I am going to do some serious soul searching and root out the reasons why I put getting "HIGH" on the top of my life's proverbial "List" of "Things' to do"
So,everyone,I shall keep in touch and let you know how the battle is "Warring" and I will try my best!
Before I go,I only have one question,which I always ask "God" ( Whoever/Whatever, He/She/It , is!)
"God, Why can't we all get high without the consequences,the bullshit and all? Why did you create the all-time,"joke of all" of making us think we had the "Ultimate"Natural Substances? The "Great Feel-goods'?" The answer to most of our Pains' and Miserys'? Just to have it all thrown in our faces and to be told that we are all Worthless "Addicts'" beyond hope and repair?While these livivg plants grow throughout the world which you created them in? I can't help,that in the deepest,Darkest recesses of my mind, that you,GOD, Knowingly created a GREAT BIG JOKE AND IT HAS BEEN PULLED ON ALL OF THE WORLD!! But why?"
By Everyone I Will keep in touch, and thanx for listening

[Chemical_Boy]

Booze would always remove what little willpower and self control that I manage to scrounge up.

Most of my coke relapses where booze-fueled runs that ended with re-entry into the cycle.


Most recently, however, it was actually lack of booze. And lack of weed. And lack of anything else less harmful that I could use to attain a nice altered state. Had to find an outlet and thought to myself, "Hey, coke and dope are out of your system quickly. I will go get some of that. . .)
Really fuckin' brilliant idea of mine, let me tell you.

I feel for you buddy. Hope you get the help to kick the habit.

[tonyk]

Sidman, I read your words & it hits me like a brick. I have never been in prison, or done the opiates to the level you have,...but I sure could. If I was in a situation where it was available, I could be you. Only thing separating us is "availability". Kinda scares me. I admire your will. Sure you have had setbacks & relapses, but I don't think I could come outta them & write the words you have. All I can add is I admire your will. If you believe in God, he will be with you, thru bad & hopefully, good. Please just hang in there. I know my quotes sound mundane. I just don't know how to sound anymore sincere. In junkykindship, love & strength tp you. Tonyk

[nick]

I hear you and every minute of every hour of every day......I want and it's ALL a struggle.I wish I could tell you it gets easier,but it doesn't.

All we can do is try and do the right thing.I hope tomorrow is better for you man and you are NOT alone.


Ha,God.......has it occured to you guys that if god exsists,he's a sadist with a poor sense of humour.

Me,I don't believe-it's easier that way.


Much luck Sidman.

[SuperJunky]

The nice (and I guess awful) thing about this lover is that no matter how many times you throw the bitch to the curb she'll always have ya back. The trick is to keep it to one night stands. If you want to stay sober, and it seems you do, but even if you dont, I wish you much luck in what ever it is you decide to do.

[OxyContinuously]

never did have much luck in *truly* kickin' coke to the sidelines, once and fora ll. it always seems to worm its way back into a scenario, usually as an excuse, then later as a habit

but remember the oak tree of addiction starts with the acorn of temptation; especially if you hav been down that road before, already. much good luck

later

Oxy

[Diacetyl]

You don't want too go to prison, it sucks in there. Nothing to do and unlimited time too think about all the mistakes you've made and how you always seem to fuck everything up. Plus you get beat to shit when you first enter prison, its like an initiation ritual. It sucks, relapse sucks too, been there many a time. I've given up trying to quit as I see no more reason too save myself from something I'm deep in love with.

[stormyskier]

Sidman, I feel for you. That's one hell of a battle and you know what you need to do. Best of luck to you and keep us informed.
Dianna