Rehabilatation and the Long Haul

[chucky]

Sometimes the clean life can seem just like that narrow hallway of addiction. One might ask , was it worth it? Should I have stay in that perpetual state of ignorance and bliss? Could I have ignored life and the responsibilities that enslave it with my needle? Maybe , though chances are slim that I would have survived. I have been fighting the war of addiction most of my life and even on the easiest days it can be hard. I find work takes away a lot of the pain , but like most addicts this just fills the need for something that isn't there. This is inascusably a financially better decision and I'm happy to be finally paying past and present dues , but all I seem to fucking do these days is toil my ass off. Leaving me exhausted and in mental pain, not that I feel like using per say, but I sometimes wonder if there is something out there that will fill my void and not leave me burnt and rusted.

The truth and reality of being drug free is a hard thing to learn and even harder to understand. I take my hat off to anyone and everyone that has tried and failed this process of life,furthermore I hope all that are still clean are finding there way through this maze we call rehabilitation with more ease then me. :cool:

[Ogre]

I've tried and tried to say clean. In five years of heavy use I've never been clean longer then 3 and a half months. Right now I don't see a way I can do it. :hanged:

[bi11i]

I gave up on it - buprenorphine is the only way for me (or methadone maybe, if it was available.) With bup, I know I'm not getting high, even if I want to. With methadone, I'd be getting high, and I'm content with that, as well.

[Peripat]

I'm a stubborn bitch who refuses to yield to the "state-sanctioned handcuffs" of methadone or bupe (and the way the system works where I am, you're pretty much resigned to daily dosing.) I've also not managed much clean time, either. I managed the tightrope of "occasional use" for several years, but I recently fell over the line into junkydom again - right now I'm kicking...

chucky, some of us salute you.

[red26]

Staying clean is a constant battle in my mind as I'm sure it is in most opiophiles. Chipping and the occasional blast off isn't an option for us. For me alot of it is the fear of going back to a clean and sober life due to knowing what it was like being a reformed multipule addiction type. Whats it going to take for me to get clean? Should I try AGAIN? Is it really that much of a lost cause? No. But every year I try to clean up for a while, sometimes I do it, sometimes I dont. Is it guilt that makes me want to give it another go or is it just needing another perspective? It's the desire to get high again. With some clean time my tolerance drops and I can get loaded again for cheap, at least for a little while. Dealing with all the twitching,vomiting,ass-vomiting,hallucinations,emotional void,lethargia, and all aroud anguish for a few weeks I go back to square one in the matter of a week and a half most times.There's also the "I fukin' hate having to take this to feel normal!" thing. That's one of the most disturbing things to me. Having to take something in order to function in life is NOT normal. Some big-ass pills.Some pink liquid. Some powder or tar thats been up god knows whose ass. In a tantrum of desparation going to the skatepark and trying something you know you cant do anymore in hopes of a decent injury and a trip to the E.R.. The truckload of shit that we put ourselves through to feed is unbelievable sometimes. I say feed because in more ways than one we're satisfying primal urges of a different sort these days. I put something in me that made me happier than anything ever had before. It satisfied my need for that happiness but what a price to pay.

[shaunclo]

My God, what a great discussion!!! I ALWAYS, ALWAYS felt that when I was using, something was wrong wih me. That I was a complete and total failure. I never wanted to be one of those people you see walking down the street with hair that acts as a pillow, and a shopping cart with all their belongings in it spilling out. God, how awful - I would say to myself. But low and behold I was about a week away from that lifestyle myself. What the hell is it that makes getting high so rewarding. I believe its this built in drive (I am speaking for myself here) I have that makes me want to go forward and accomplish. But I am much more comfortable with the neutral position, I sleep better that way. I believe this is what made herion such a sweet sweet friend of mine. It made me feel like I was okay, and that everyhting was going to be alright. That is until your out, and your running through the house pondering, "I wonder how much money I can get for this thing." I have been clean now for a little over a year. At first it was really easy, because I felt like I had defeated the impossible. Then after a couple of months I start getting bored with sobriety, that is when I started feeling not o.k. I completely agrree with Chucky and the rest. I try to fill the void with work, friends and family, but am still left with an empty feeling that seems to only be filled with some good H. I guess you just get use to not feeling after a couple of years on H, and when you start feeling again, the emotions are hard to deal with. Dissapointments, no money, people pissing you off, is just short for the numerous things that get under my skin and make me want to go get high. Fortunatley I havnt started using again (at least permanantly using) but I have doubts as to how long I can keep saying no. We are all dealing with a lot, and I want everyone who has gone through this shit to pat themselves on their back and say, "Great job today." As much as I want to get high, I just cant. I will not last long if I went back to that lifestyle. I have had such a great last year, compared to using, and I just dont understand why I have to battle against wanting to use, almost every day. Yes, I do understand a lot of this was just rambling, but goddamn it feels good.....:)

[1badrabbit]

That void left by using is definitely one of the hardest things to fill one could possibly imagine. Even on methadone I find it very difficult to keep from thinking about it, this is partially due to an insufficient dose. But also due to the fact that using heroin very quickly engrains itself into your brain, and once its there it doesn't like to leave at all. I for one could never imagine anything could do the things to me that heroin has done. Losing complete and utter control of my brain and senses foregoing things of the utmost importance to get high on a regular basis. While using brought me feelings better then I could ever imagine, it brought me feelings of unimaginable regret at the same time. Once I get a job I will have to pour my money into something like my car or other hobbies to ensure its spent somewhat constructively and not on drugs. I have total respect for anyone who is clean or has gotten and stayed clean. Whether clean on bupe, methadone, or cold turkey one day of sobriety can be more difficult then years of life before using. It can also be much more rewarding too though I guess.

[chucky]

[/QUOTE] Whether clean on bupe, methadone, or cold turkey one day of sobriety can be more difficult then years of life before using. It can also be much more rewarding too though I guess.[/QUOTE]


Wisps of fine grey smoke whirl around my head. Slowly that sweet smell of cali bud and my brothers band playing Muddy Waters's, Trouble,brings a familiar feeling of calmness. There where days I would cry to listening to this song early in recovery, but it seems a new day has dawned. I feel a new day, a new age.......


It's a rough and rocky road this rehabilitation, and I thank all inthis forum for all of there support and help. I assure you the days of sunshine when clean are indoubedly more rewarding then any day undermother Superior.
:finger4u:

[red26]

Thinking back to the last stretch of sobriety/cleantime was 4 1/2 months. I was healthy(except for my back) and getting up at the crack and happy about it most days. I think back to it often and miss it,overwhelmingly sometimes. I hear ya loud and clear chucky!

[Blake]

I've been clean now for a couple days short of 6 months. The longest amount of cleantime I have been able to string together before this was about 3 or so months 5 years ago.

Now that I'm clean, life isn't all pizza and blowjobs, but it is a fuckload better than when I was using. I got clean this time b/c I felt like I was a slave to methadone, it told me when to get up, when to eat, when to go to sleep. I was a puppet and I hated it. I wanted to kill myself so that I wouldn't have to ever get loaded again, but I was to chickenshit to do it, so I got clean. I do NA and it works for me. It helps me fill that void left when I took the dope away. I still think about using pretty regularly, but today I know that getting loaded doesn't solve anything, it just fans the flames of your problems. When the dope wears off, life still sucks, but life sucks better clean.

Just my $.02

[shoxy]

heh i gave up that shit....im not against it in the future....but right now, fuck no....i cant do it, dont want to....

in my experiences....NA just turns you off of substances and turns you onto $ and greed.....since you have to focus on yourself to get out of a dirty drug habit, you begin to focus too much on yourself therefore becoming greedy and $ oriented, and most likely end up being hooked on fitness, or $, or fashion, or tv,caffeine...etc. i truely dont think any organized group or any group at all can get the addiction bug out of your system....i dunno im rambling here....kudos to you for getting clean, its just not for me right now

[chucky]

"in my experiences....NA just turns you off of substances andturns you onto $ and greed.....since you have to focus on yourself toget out of a dirty drug habit, you begin to focus too much on yourselftherefore becoming greedy and $ oriented, and most likely end up beinghooked on fitness, or $, or fashion, or tv,caffeine...etc. i truelydont think any organized group or any group at all can get theaddiction bug out of your system....i dunno im rambling here....kudosto you for getting clean, its just not for me right now." shoxy.


Are you serious? How do you score your dope everyday? Are you not driven to obtain money for your habit. I'm sorry I don't buy the money and greed deal" I'm not personally as involved in NA anymore, but if you haven't noticed it's free. If it helps one in ten addicts get clean, and get their life back together then I'm all for it.Regardless if you entertain the notion of attending NA meetings or not, you will eventually have to focus on yourself when one decides to get clean, it's part of the deal.As for comparing fitness to heroin addiction,well, I rest My case:cool:

[EmeraldOne]

Well, there is the choice between a rock and a hard place...live a hard enjoyable life, or live a hard life trying to avoid the one thing that gives you joy. I try and try and try and try to get my mind into a "recovery" mindframe, but even the concept of "recovery" makes it sound like a disease...if heroin was legal, all my problems would be solved...the money issue is null (for me), the personal feelings are good about it, i do not have shame for it, i am willing to put up with vein side effects, I still lead an active and interesting valuable life...but I do not want to risk my and my loved one's freedom, and that might make me have to stop.

This bothers me beyond belief, because heroin really does work for me, as constant medication and as occasional recreation. I am one of the few junkies I have seen who is able to make a large continuing tolerance-filled habit financable without dealing over the course of years...I wish there was a legal drug that worked this way, that there was a way to make have it more safe. I have made it at safe as I can to pick up, but there are always the chance that maybe a connection of mine's babies mama could call the cops "for his best interests" and I go down with him...(this is entirely theoretical, though if one of my dealers women knew he would deal with his kid in the car smiling at me, she might just do so) but it isn't safe to hold it in my damn house. There are people who know I do it, I don't hide my arms because it is not something to be ashamed of, but who knows who is a cool dude/chick to hit on and who is the son/daughter of the sherriff and a violent ex-drug user? (in my experience the ones most likely to tell on you are the ones "for their own good" NAhead previous users who hate seeing who they used to be, and automatically put upon you all the things they used to do. I had one prior drug addict throw me out of his house the second he misplaced his wallet, then found it in his pocket later and tried to half apologize...I said just because you stole doesn't mean I have to, or that I will.

Bottom line...staying clean is hard, staying free is important, but kicking is IMPOSSIBLE. If I could throw a switch right now and just BE clean, I would never go back again for that chance. To have it ahead of me colors all my thoughts, makes me feel it really isn't worth it to see if I can handle unmedicated life again.

I better shut up before I start to journal at you. You have any thoughts I'm doing that now, check my journal and you'll see that this is a bare two-line post it note compared to those things.

[Blake]

double post......sorry :(

[Blake]

NA isn't about greed or money or fashion or anything like that. Do some people turn thier drug addction into a money addiction...yes, but that isn't NA. NA teaches that addiction is a disease that isn't even about the drugs, it's about my need to change the way I feel through an outside source. A workaholic/sex addict/gambling addict is negatively affecting thier life just as much as a junky. NA teaches me that I can live life without the use of a substance or mood altering behavior as a crutch.

Alcohol is a leagal drug and there are still "alcoholics". if heroin was legal, junkies wouldn't disappear. There are plenty of things in life that bring joy besides dope, I feel sorry for people that refuse to believe that.

Like I said before, life isn't all pizza and blowjobs now that I'm clean, but today I know that getting loaded doesn't fix anything that I dislike about myself or my life, I have to do that, and it takes time, but it does happen, I've seen it. (sorry for the run-onandonandon sentance)

NA isn't for everybody, but it is open to anyone that has an honest desire to quit using and wants to find a new way to live. It works for people that want it to work for them, plain, simple, period. Nothing, not NA, Psyciatry, church, jail, overdoses, anything will keep an addict clean if they don't want to stay clean.

For me, living life as an active addict is a miserable way to exist, but that's me. I can remember when I loved dope, I'm just glad I got low enough to get over that insane bullshit.

(all opinions expressed are that of the author, if you disagree you are obviously wrong........nah, just kidding. Ignore me... to each his own)

[EmeraldOne]

For me, living life as an active addict is a miserable way to exist, but that's me. I can remember when I loved dope, I'm just glad I got low enough to get over that insane bullshit.

You do know that people can live an addict lifestyle without it being either insane OR bullshit, right? I don't steal or scam for my money, I WORK for it, and at one point when my habit jumped too high I went back to school to get a better job to afford more. Isn't that what people are SUPPOSED to do to get money? The only problems I have with dope now is with my veins, and now that I make sure I will use a fresh needle EVERY time no matter what, even those have dropped down drastically. Safe injecting practices and a job with more than enough money...I don't see how it's a miserable way to exist. There are doses to do at night to not wake up sick, I haven't seen a day of anything more than jittery wake up tummy rumbles in over a year.

Just because you had a bad time, it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Just like there are alcoholics, and then there are people who can drink something alcoholic every night and heavily on the weekends and still be fine (though alcohol is not something you can function on, as dope is)

I like your opinions that you express, normally, especially since you end things with "but thats me" and seem to understand that concept...but not every junkies life is a slow slide into hell. But, that's just me. I've got years and years to go in my life, maybe I'll look back and go "ha, I was such an idiot!"

And then everyone in the circle of chairs around me will nod at me, and I will have support. Until then, I speak for junkies everywhere who live normal lives. Though I don't think there are quite as many who refuse to hide from their employer (hell, what can I say, I'm valuable [ok, and the head of the companies son met me copping dope and I hooked him up]) or their friends that they're a junkie. But everyone tells me over and over, you're not like any junkie I've seen. And that's what I want to stop, the synonym of junkie=liar, junkie=scammer. I did the street-running and dealing from an apartment and raids and hell times...but then I grew up. Living with my parents I wasn't used to the concept of money comes from job...now I am, and that has changed my life. Because, really, almost every evil and bad thing about heroin is really not HAVING heroin...the lack of money for it, and limited supply of it due to that.

[Blake]

I agree with you samantha,

Some people can function on dope. I used to be able to. I built a house when I was getting loaded everyday, I've been a successful insurance agent for the last 5 years. I know it is possible. Unfortunately I am no longer one of those people. (I really wish I could use and not have any consequeces, but that isn't reality for me.)Eventually I took out a 2nd mrtg on my house for dope and when the dope and money ran out I realized that I had a problem, but it wasn't till that point. I did steal and lie and cheat to get loaded, normally these things I find revolting, but I did it to get dope. Junkyblake=liar, junkyblake=scammer. For me living like that is no longer an option, dope makes me hate myself,after it wears off. I'm am glad that I went through what ever I had to go through to get to where I am today though, it takes what it takes. Again, that's just me and YRMV.

I post here to give a recovering junkies POV, not to force my opinions on anyone, just to share my personal experience, that's all. No offence is meant to anyone.

[shoxy]

ok i admit my logic was a bit off, but im biast towards NA , because of my history with it, and my mother is an addict and NA just rubbed me the wrong way, NA helped her and im thrilled about it, she needs the ongoing support of NA and its members.....but all i was trying to convey is that its not for me, but then again, im an active nonproductive (if that makes sense)addict.....ive been on and off and back again....so i dunno. when my time comes, ill get clean...then again, that sounds so fucking cliche in type.....congrats to all of you who got through it via NA....and yes i agree that when junkies have to score...
money is the center of the universe second only to dope itself.....

i often wonder if its worth it to try to get clean again, my failed attempts have not lasted more than 4 days in the last 2 yrs. i dont even try to guilt myself into feeling like shit because of it, it does no good.....every now an then i break down and get hysterical about being completely broke....oh well, im not alone, at least thats a good thing. i feel like the NA people are looking down on me/scoffing at me because im not clean....its probably just in my head though....

[scarlett44]

I am trying to kick pain pills. I have a couple of questions, how many days will it take to stop feeling so depressed and tired. I knew to taper off this time because quitting cold last time made me think I was having a nervous break down. I am down to 2-4 a day, 5/500 hydro. I was taking 8 10/100 a day, sometimes more and sometimes a few morphine pills. I don't feel like working, cleaning the house, or doing anything. Will I feel better ever? I know I can get more pills and that is making it harder, but I am ready to be done with this. Any advice on the depression side of it? I have been on Zoloft for the last few weeks because I was trying to prepare for this. Also, what's methadone and where do you get that? Is that something that helps with coming off narcotics? Thanks!

[COLONELWAYNE]

Don't go on methadone to kick a pain pill addiction!!!!If you think the pain pills are a bitch to get off of, " YOU AIN"T SEEN NOTHING YET!" Methadone has saved lives,don't get me wrong, but if you're down to 5/500 of hydrocodone, and thats the worst thing you're doing now,you can reduce down to one a day for a week or so and probably not have 3 full days of withdrawals (more like1 1/2 or 2) The worst things with this type of addiction is keeping your mind off popping that pill at that certain time everyday, and the depression. (which goes along with any of it) My main proplem with staying clean is the depression because I battle that sober or clean (I started self medicating because of the depression. thats how I got hooked on OC's) The bottom line is, the withdrawals are over and the quality of your life has improved drastically in about three weeks.Your still going to have episodes of depression (some severe some not) for months.Maybe even a year or two. There's no quick fix to that, your brain takes care of that in it 's own sweet time.And thats what it does ,takes it's sweet ass time! Anti-depressants are a God send for this but problem is , you usually have to try two or three different ones before you get the right one. It also takes'em 2 or 3 weeks to get in your system before you know if ones working for you or not,and YOU CAN'T take any drugs with them during this time.It makes them make you feel screwy and winds up killing the would be buzz anyway.So you just wasted money all the way around! Be FIRM! Peace Out C.W.

[chucky]

To answer a few of your questions scarlett.It will take weeks if not a few months before you begin to feel normal. The zoloft might help a tiny bit but irrataebly uncomfortable is the way it goes when going through withdrawl or in your case so far weening(cutting back dosage).I was personnally in depression for several months and in pain for about two weeks, but that was cold turkey off of atleast a bundle of heroin a day.
As for methadone, a much cheaper method of keeping away withdrawl and depression then many other opiates , but is itself a synthetic opiate, therfore coming off that is just as hard if not harder.I would just keep cutting back if I were you. My personal experiences with coming off of methadone were worse then heroin.
Keep trying and if not this time there is always later. Ciao....

[shoxy]

i agree that methadone and pain pills dont mix....and most people i know and mix with are snorting so many pills a day, an hour a minute its insane and methadone has dont nothing but make them worse!!! i even know a guy whos injecting his take homes of methadone....pain pills are a bitch, but a bitch that im not yet ready to embark that journey of separation.....ive tried....and failed. im sorry i said those mean things about NA, i explained myself though. to each their own......

[HeidiW]

Wow, this is a deep topic. I'm the first to admit dope and the crime involved with it ruined about 12 years of my life. But that was my choice. I still haven't learned my lesson, I may never learn it. I'm ok withit today. I am a functioning addict on opiates. I'm not manufacturing my own drugs, stealing, etc., to supply my habit as I did on methamphetamine. Now, I am prescribed my medicine in pain mgmt. And they know I'm an addict. I feel better today than I have in a long time. God bless those who can stop for good. However, I'll NEVER condemn those of us that choose not to.