Damn!

[Chemical_Boy]

I am trying to stay clear of all the good drugs, you know. . .dope, coke, speed, etc.

I have been doing pretty good, but one fuck up and all I can think about is slammin coke. I don't even like the shit, but it's got me if you know what I mean. The craving is almost unbearable. Thank god it doesn't really come with physical cravings too or I would be fucked. As is I wake up in the middle of the night wanting the rush, I can't go 30 seconds without thinking about it during the day, I dream about the shit.

The worst thing of all is it is now just a phone call away. I have left all of my old connects my moving away from them. Now, two years after moving to this state, I have a reliable source again. I can just picture that little red rose blooming in the chamber. . .

This may be the beginning of the end. Not because I would ever do (or even want to do) anything stupid and hurt myself. I ain't like that and never have been. I just say that because the White Lady is a powerful mistress. One I don't know if I can control. I hope I ain't fucked.

Jesus, I am not even craving opies and I actually like them. Oh well, C'est la vie. . .

[nick]

Time to move again bro-maybe Patagonia this time.


Hang in there,the cravings do get slightly easier.

[HistoryofMadness]

mind over matter man. mind over matter.

[nick]

mind over matter man. mind over matter.

Sorry bro,but when has that EVER helped any of us.Sorry,I'm just a very weak degenerate.

[Chemical_Boy]

Patagonia would be good. I'd probably find my way up to Columbia though:rolleyes:

I know they do get better, but goddamn it seems worse this time than ever before and I have done this cycle to myself many times. This is like the only time in a year I have done it, and it was only half a ball of some mediocre shit, but I am half nuts with desire. I feel like a goddamn rutting caribou or something. Can't focus on anything.

Oh well, enough bitching and whining. I am hoping that talking about it will have some sort of therapeutic effect.

[nick]

It sounds like the cravings are at there worst and the only real cure is time.I hate to say but HOM is right mind over matter.

Much good luck with it and you talk all you need here-we are here for you.

I hate to say this,but your tag line isn't HST-it's DR Johnson.Who's much cooler anyway.

[HistoryofMadness]

Sorry bro,but when has that EVER helped any of us.Sorry,I'm just a very weak degenerate.

sorry but with coke that's the only answer. gotta fight with your mind.

with opiates, all you can think about is the pain, and if you treat it, it gets easier. but literally everything about a coke urge is in your head.

everything.

so you have no chance if you can't gain control over that shit.

if anyone knows a better way PLEASE tell me because I need it too.

[Chemical_Boy]

It sounds like the cravings are at there worst and the only real cure is time.I hate to say but HOM is right mind over matter.

Much good luck with it and you talk all you need here-we are here for you.

I hate to say this,but your tag line isn't HST-it's DR Johnson.Who's much cooler anyway.


HEHEHE DOC JOHNSON:D

[nick]

sorry but with coke that's the only answer. gotta fight with your mind.

with opiates, all you can think about is the pain, and if you treat it, it gets easier. but literally everything about a coke urge is in your head.

everything.

so you have no chance if you can't gain control over that shit.

if anyone knows a better way PLEASE tell me because I need it too.

If they tell you please let me know too.

[AWOL]

They have penquins in Patagoina, who doesn't like penquins?

Whenever I get cravin REAL bad, I force myself to get out and do stuff. If I can get out and ride my bike in the mountains, or go hiking or something, I find the cravings will subdue. Might work for you? Worth a shot.

[lstar7]

Hey Chem;

I was where you are several years ago...sounds to me like the newly found source is the trigger here...If it were ME Id stay clear of that individual entirely, and do opies:D They MUCH BETTER!

[Chemical_Boy]

They have penquins in Patagoina, who doesn't like penquins?

Whenever I get cravin REAL bad, I force myself to get out and do stuff. If I can get out and ride my bike in the mountains, or go hiking or something, I find the cravings will subdue. Might work for you? Worth a shot.
For the purpose of this discussion, I only associate with cokehead penguins.

Maybe that is my problem. . .

Hey Chem;

I was where you are several years ago...sounds to me like the newly found source is the trigger here...If it were ME Id stay clear of that individual entirely, and do opies:D They MUCH BETTER!

Said source is definitely bad news. I would throw his phone# away, but I have it memorized. I can't remember shit man, but give me a drug dealers phone # and it's that photographic memory:rolleyes:

I go this Friday to my PM doc. Hopefully that will be lucrative. I am really trying to stay away from the smack.

I like that word. It's fun to say. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Coke. Coke. Coke. Coke. Coke. Coke. Coke. Coke. Coke. Coke oops!

[chemboy7]

It never get's better, your never going to get it off your mind. The sooner you realize your a drug addict and that sooner or later your gonna relapse (after all that's what addicts do) the better off your gonna be. Seriously, why let the thoughts torment you? You got a disease brother, like it or not your one of us; let's be blunt about it and say either pick up an eightball and fuck all else or if your really trying to get it out of your mind (I say that to myself too, but we all know it's a lie... this is who we are) then swallow some benzos and melt in front of the TV. Fuck it, just worry about it tomarrow. Last time I checked that was the junky mindset. Time to get used to it.


Hey Chem;



And not to be anal or anything, but he is the clone... not Chem. Grr, just get's to me for some reason. Let's blame mild WDs waiting for the right time to finally get high on my last dose, brain injury, impending legal troubles, and benzo intoxication; that'll work.

[Chipper]

As Nick says, it will pass. Just remeber that nothing drops you down faster than coke. And then you will yearn for opiates or benzos or more coke.

I know how you feel - I'm in need of a smoke and I'm holding out here...

[kyuss]

Fight that
white bitch CB.
The more I do coke
the more I hate it.
It gets stepped on
more than a hairy spider
at a all girls kindergarden playground.

[Chemical_Boy]

It never get's better, your never going to get it off your mind. The sooner you realize your a drug addict and that sooner or later your gonna relapse (after all that's what addicts do) the better off your gonna be. Seriously, why let the thoughts torment you? You got a disease brother, like it or not your one of us; let's be blunt about it and say either pick up an eightball and fuck all else or if your really trying to get it out of your mind (I say that to myself too, but we all know it's a lie... this is who we are) then swallow some benzos and melt in front of the TV. Fuck it, just worry about it tomarrow. Last time I checked that was the junky mindset. Time to get used to it.



And not to be anal or anything, but he is the clone... not Chem. Grr, just get's to me for some reason. Let's blame mild WDs waiting for the right time to finally get high on my last dose, brain injury, impending legal troubles, and benzo intoxication; that'll work.
Yeah, dude, I have not had any illusions to my true nature since I was 16. I knew what I was, even when all of my friends with the same disease could not see it. I knew and accepted. I was always a functional drug addict though. I might even say well-functioning. I always did well at work, was able to take care of my true responsibilities ( I didn't give a fuck about debt, but I never stiffed anyone who mattered), and was generally able to keep a straight face. And I did large amounts of shit. Don't get me wrong, there were people who did more, but everyone I used to hang with who had the same party outlook I did is either dead, in jail, or in a real hard-luck situation of their own making. I somehow managed to make it through. It's only in the last few months of my 28 years on this planet that things have started to come apart. On the one hand, I am finally doing pretty well, have a killer job, a wife who loves me despite my great flaws; but on the other I have been hospitalized twice recently: Once for apparently trying to drink myself into a coma (hospital blood test said .44) and once for a dope fuckup. I now have the means to a greater degree of self destruction than ever before. One thing that always put a limit on my binging was $$. The only way that I could really have a habit was by selling, and I was never a successful dealer because I would dip into my business goods and just end up broke or maybe getting a free night. Of course this was many years ago. I ain't saying I have limitless means now, but I could definitely go on a run that would be a little farther off the edge than I could have 8 years ago when I was really getting heavy into the coke the first time.
So here I sit, with scarred and scabbed ankles and backs of hands (ankles are easy to hide and my hands look like they have been through a meat grinder every day at work, so they are easy to hide too. Not to mention neither seem to bruise like the soft skin) in a state of semi-self-loathing wondering if I can pass on the express train to hell, or if it is time to put on Casey Jones and just say FUCK IT!

Fight that
white bitch CB.
The more I do coke
the more I hate it.
It gets stepped on
more than a hairy spider
at a all girls kindergarden playground.

I hear you there bro. I don't know why I can't get away from the shit (well, that is a lie. I should say I wish I could get away from the shit)

Maybe I should go back on the Trazadone like I was telling you about for your buddy. This demon is too deep for something so simple I believe. Unfortunately.