Milestone!

[SpecialGuy69]

Yesterday was a pretty inspiring day for me- it was the first day in over 2 years I went without opiates. And I sold 3 cars, too! I felt kind of shitty all day but not too bad. On Thanksgiving day, I parachuted 3 generic OC 40's around 9pm. All day Friday, I didn't take ANYTHING- no subutex, no nothing! At about 5am Saturday, I couldn't take it anymore, and took 2mg of subutex. And I actually felt really good this morning when I woke up. I'm going to try and do a fast detox off subutex now, and hopefully join Nick over on the other side.

I'm not getting my hopes too high (I do have a pain management appointment on the 30th) but I'll definitely try. I'm just tired of the bullshit. Plus, my (ex) girl found all my posts, and she didn't know I was using again- she thought I was recovered. So, I feel like I owe it to her (even though we don't talk) to try. She was really good to me and I used behind her back lots of times.

Well, I'll keep you guys posted and let you know how it goes.

[AWOL]

So you plannin on givin it up for good, or doin the weekend warrior route? Either way best of luck to ya brother.

[flipside]

T. be sure to keep in touch. When is your pain appointment? I have no doubt, that you can pretty much do whatever it is you decide too, So I guess this means lunch only when I come home, at least the food will taste better!

Seriously, you know where I am if you need me.

[AWOL]

Same goes for me TM. You've got my messenger so don't hessitate to hit me up if you're feeling like crap and want to chat with someone to pass the time or something.

[SpecialGuy69]

Thanks guys. I really don't know. I'm definitely going to cut back big-time, and I'd like to get to the point where I don't need subs- That's the main thing- I don't want to be stuck in the cycle anymore- I can't believe I made it 2 years without going through w/d's. Most of the last year was on subutex (I'd like to think, anyways) and doing a few 80's here and there, but my breaks from subs got longer and longer.

Right now, I kind of feel like I've been granted some type of reprieve- like I went through anasthesia assisted detox or something- I've been 36 hours with only 2mg of subutex. I'm hoping that I still feel fine at the end of the day without any more subutex.

My PM appointment is on Nov. 30, and hopefully I will just use that for x-mas money. But who knows... I've spent probably over $30k this year on OC- If I didn't have a good job and subutex, I'd already be fucked. So, I'm gonna just see how it goes today.

Don't worry- I'm not gonna disappear and then show back up preaching "keep coming back, it works if you work it", "meeting makers make it" and all that other NA stuff. No offense to the 12 steppers, it's just not for me.

[AWOL]

I'm a 12 stepper. That's approximately how many steps it took me from where I was seated to walk my ass out the door to the exit =P

Works for some, unfortunatly it didn't work for me.

If you can hold off just think of how much sweeter that next OC is going to be if ya can turn into a weekend warrior.

[SpecialGuy69]

Well it all depends- it's kinda suprising right now that I'm not miserable - that's the thing- I've always felt like withdrawls were too bad and I'll basically stay on subutex forever. But today and yesterday, I felt uncomfortable but fine. So, maybe I managed to trick my brain into not waging war on my body for denying it opiates. Maybe it's divine intervention (sorry, ZK and DD!). But, the way things are progressing now, I feel like I might have lucked out and I just won't feel too bad if I take this chance and ride it out.

Or maybe in a few hours I'll have another 8mg of subutex in me.

I had to do 90 meetings in 90 days when I was in highschool for a weed charge. I did about 20, then I went to Staples and bought like 15 different pens and had everyone I knew sign a few times with all different pens. I was sweating my balls off presenting my bullshit to my PO, but she bought it, and I never gave NA/AA another thought.

I heard some 30 year old guy tell us that he had kicked a 12 year old's ass after the 12 year old fouled him in playground basketball cause he was drunk. Earlier that day. Even AA people were pretty pissed at him.

[tptptp]

So what happened, you cut down or what?

[nick]

Welcome to the darkside(sobriety) bro.It can be done and if you ever need to talk you've got my e mail or pm me and remember there's free coffee and buiscuits at na.

[SpecialGuy69]

I had a few slips along the way, some pretty nasty ones. tomorrow i'll be talking subutex thats all i can say.

[SpecialGuy69]

I've got a tough switch back to subbies tomorrow. And I need to be at 120% at work right now, it's crunch time. I'm hoping and praying for a few days in a row of that nice subutex warmth and energy that sometimes graces me and sometimes does not. This will be a ROUGH one! And I gotta take my test-dose (that first 2mg to make sure I'm not precipitating) at work tomorrow. Blech. At least it's my day off, so if I feel like doo-doo I can leave work. Fucks me! It's what, the 19th, almost. My PM is next wednesday- and I'm expecting to get the GOOD STUFF then. I'm gonna be totally honest with my main girly about what the PM doc gives me, maybe even give my OC's (prescribed, fingers crossed) for her to hold. hmm.... At least she won't be able to complain about not seeing me anymore.

[Duckfeet]

Actually, that's one thing I find the subutex really *are* good for: cutting down to nothing. For maintenance--I'm on'em now--they don't give me any buzz at all, and still keep cravings, but that could be me, my attitude. Subs have a long halflife, you know, so if u can go 48 hrs, 2mg sub should be plenty, then I dropped down to 1mg after a couple days, then half it...same thing.

Anyway, best wishes to you. If u aren't AA type, it can be lonely, so be sure to post here, somewhere, where people kind of understand what u r going thru...

[Narkotikon]

I know this is an old post, but I wish you the best of luck T. I went six days this past week (well, minus one day this past Thursday with a week ass tea from 12 grape-sized pods that didn't work much at all), and I know how hard it can be. I finally broke down tonight and bought 4 pounds of seeds, and am finally feeling fine. I certainly feel for you man. Give me a shout if you ever want to talk. My AIM name is listed. I've already added you to my list, so hit me up sometime. Just remember, and I know it's cliche, but take it one day at a time. Although, you and I and every junky knows, life is so much better on the shit than off, but a wise member here recently told me when I thought of detoxing this past week that THERE IS LIFE AFTER OPIES. The problem is I don't want that life. I don't want to be in mind-numbing boredome. That's one of the reasons I began to use in the first place, not to mention that it would probably be worse now after I've fucked my endorphin system up with the opies, although if you ask me it was born fucked up, which is why I crave opies because they just make me the person I want to be: social, outgoing, loving, generous, fun-loving, and an all around great guy. I'm those sometimes without them, but most of the time I'm a moody bitch. God, this isn't sounding as a good reason to quit. I'm sorry for that, but that's mainly my reasons. I have no doubt that if you really want to quit, you will. Just don't hesitate to talk if you need some encouragement, or even a laugh. I am a witty fuck after all.

[Duckfeet]

I know this is an old post, but I wish you the best of luck T. I went six days this past week (well, minus one day this past Thursday with a week ass tea from 12 grape-sized pods that didn't work much at all), and I know how hard it can be. I finally broke down tonight and bought 4 pounds of seeds, and am finally feeling fine. I certainly feel for you man. Give me a shout if you ever want to talk. My AIM name is listed. I've already added you to my list, so hit me up sometime. Just remember, and I know it's cliche, but take it one day at a time. Although, you and I and every junky knows, life is so much better on the shit than off, but a wise member here recently told me when I thought of detoxing this past week that THERE IS LIFE AFTER OPIES. The problem is I don't want that life. I don't want to be in mind-numbing boredome. That's one of the reasons I began to use in the first place, not to mention that it would probably be worse now after I've fucked my endorphin system up with the opies, although if you ask me it was born fucked up, which is why I crave opies because they just make me the person I want to be: social, outgoing, loving, generous, fun-loving, and an all around great guy. I'm those sometimes without them, but most of the time I'm a moody bitch. God, this isn't sounding as a good reason to quit. I'm sorry for that, but that's mainly my reasons. I have no doubt that if you really want to quit, you will. Just don't hesitate to talk if you need some encouragement, or even a laugh. I am a witty fuck after all.

I'm kind of glad I've never been totally pleased with either one. I've had years off the opiates, and made a good life for myself, and saw places and did things I never would have done strung out. I've also been where every day was measured by how much dope I had. I've reaped rewards for being a good sober man that worked hard and was faithful to his girl, but I've also known the animal joy that comes from desperation and sickness and and finally getting a bag and cooking up. Nothing I ever did in life gave me the immediate pleasure that a shot of good dope did. And nothing else did I ever pay such a heavy price for, either.

I'd be dead now if I hadn't of ran from it at times, and succesfully gotten away. It gets better after a while off the shit, and life can be happy without it, no matter how I get there. It's nice to have other people glad I'm safe, and to not be a threat to anybody elses good life. And I'm too old to kid myself about the romance of the junky life. It's a very hard road.

But I myself know I won't change. I used to think I could forever, because I could for periods of time, but I don't think that anymore. I'm happy with the way the cards were dealt me. But I also know which way I'm headed, and I know all the arguments against it, but no matter. I try to keep my eyes open, and see things clearly, best I can. Best wishes to you and anybody else traveling this line.

[flipside]

My PM is next wednesday- and I'm expecting to get the GOOD STUFF then. I'm gonna be totally honest with my main girly about what the PM doc gives me, maybe even give my OC's (prescribed, fingers crossed) for her to hold. hmm.... At least she won't be able to complain about not seeing me anymore.

LOL! See there is always a bright side. ;) :p

On a more serious note, wise words from Nick, DF and Nark. You also know where to find me if you need me.....

[Narkotikon]

Welcome to the darkside(sobriety) bro.It can be done and if you ever need to talk you've got my e mail or pm me and remember there's free coffee and buiscuits at na.

Your NA had busicuits (I'm guessing that's British for cookies?). Damn, that's not fucking fair. All I got was a cup of nasty weak coffee and a hard ass metal chair that I had to sit in while I listened to people whine about how they were junkies for taking two vicodin.

Joke of course. I can see NA working for some people, and I'm not undermining your success Nick, I'm really not. I just don't agree with all of the 12 step things. It seems like a cult to me, but that's just me. I swear this isn't meant to be rude.

Edit: I've got a sweet tooth, and I want a Almond Snicker's, so it's off to the Speedway for me :-)

[pinion]

I'm kind of glad I've never been totally pleased with either one. I've had years off the opiates, and made a good life for myself, and saw places and did things I never would have done strung out. I've also been where every day was measured by how much dope I had. I've reaped rewards for being a good sober man that worked hard and was faithful to his girl, but I've also known the animal joy that comes from desperation and sickness and and finally getting a bag and cooking up. Nothing I ever did in life gave me the immediate pleasure that a shot of good dope did. And nothing else did I ever pay such a heavy price for, either.

I'd be dead now if I hadn't of ran from it at times, and succesfully gotten away. It gets better after a while off the shit, and life can be happy without it, no matter how I get there. It's nice to have other people glad I'm safe, and to not be a threat to anybody elses good life. And I'm too old to kid myself about the romance of the junky life. It's a very hard road.

But I myself know I won't change. I used to think I could forever, because I could for periods of time, but I don't think that anymore. I'm happy with the way the cards were dealt me. But I also know which way I'm headed, and I know all the arguments against it, but no matter. I try to keep my eyes open, and see things clearly, best I can. Best wishes to you and anybody else traveling this line.

Great post. I consider myself pretty lucky because I've managed to pull myself up a few times and actually live some sort of real life; if it wasn't for those breaks, I'd be dead or in prison by now and if it wasn't for those breaks, I wouldn't have a lot of the friends I have now..

And I hear you about that "animal joy" man - that's one thing that a junky can never fully describe to someone who hasn't been strung out, especially on H. You can't describe what it feels like to go from 4-5 days sickasfuck to nodding and scratching like a flea-bit monkey in two minutes flat. It's like the whole world turns into a big, soft pillow in that one little shot. Nuthin' like it... It's good to take breaks if you can though, if for nothing else to gain some perspective and drop your tolerance a bit. I did nothing but chipped a few times a year for about 7 years and those were some of the best years of my life..

[Chipper]

I did nothing but chipped a few times a year for about 7 years and those were some of the best years of my life..

Chipper hears you and feels motivated by your comments

[SpecialGuy69]

well, I went to the pm doc, got fent patches, perc 10's. Sooo... the prescribed dosage is more than enough to keep me out of pain for a month, but nowhere near enough to get me high. I guess I'm currently adequately medicated. And I really dont see the point in abusing fent patches personally, too dangerous for me. Resp. failure is lame. I just gotta be responsible with my pain meds. If I fucked up and got high, I could easily go through all 25mgs of fent (10 2.5 mg patches) in a couple of days. But I've never really enjoyed fent, and I have a girly who's very worried about me, I'm trying to be honest with her. She hates drugs, so that means I gotta stay sober if i wanna tell the troof. I'm a horrible human being. Buy a lexus. Keep cumming (on her) back, it works if you jerk it!

[AWOL]

We're all horrible human being's bro. Low life degenerate drug addict junkys. Shame on all of us.