Karlin
11-15-2006, 05:26 PM
This may get long, I will be as brief as possible.
There is a thing called "unmasking", where the pains are covered up for years on opiates, and then they all come out, including the increased pains over time you didn't realize were there. This is ON TOP of the withdrawal pains of opiates.
I was given a prescription for morphine after many years of having chronic pain condition, something like Fibromyalgia or M/S. It helped a lot, it saved my life. I took that prescription [as prescribed] for another 13 years without a break.
Then, I moved to another part of the country, another province. I started looking for a doctor in the new place, and only found denials about my pain!! Interesting how they say "you are lying about your pains" when I was sitting there in pain!! So, I was cut off from my saving grace [morphine]. Also, at that time my teeth were really getting bad, infection and so on, with lots of strong pains.
I had never known withdrawal pains, other than the gut cramps of mornings. So when I kicked I went into a special hell of tooth pains, Fibromyalgia pains unmasked, and withdrawals.
I checked into a De-Tox centre. They were mean there, asking "why are YOU here?" . I was very confused, and they ordered some meds for me that never arrived, meds for gut cramps that my doctor had prescribed [can't remember now what they were...],. Oddly, I had some of them in my vehicle right outside the door. They would NOT let me get them, only the pills THEY bring in can be used in DeTox.
I was barely walking, but I stood straight up and said "I can drive and I am leaving". So, I left. I drove one block and parked in a mall lot. I found the gut pills and some codiens and just sat there in terror, such extreme pains and so uncertain. In the DeTox centre, I had tried to cut myself so I would bleed and hoped that would make me faint or something. When I was parked in the mall lot, I found my knife and thought about it again, but it was dull and I wimped out.
My teeth were raging, my gut was aching, my leg and back pains were worse than I had ever known them. Headaches, neck cramps, calf cramps, my skin hurt.
Eventually the codeins or something helped a bit, and I was getting bad vibes there in the parking lot, so I drove out of town. I lived over 200 kms away, could I get there and die there instead? I tried to drive a bit, made it 50 kms and stopped at a pullout in the forested areas. Lonely out there, no traffic, nothing but forest.
Then it really started - the worst part of the worst kick of my life [so far]:
I opened the window and the wind was blowing a bit. The trees started talking to me, it was the spirit of morphine. I tried to walk but my legs would not hold me up,. I got back in the vehicle and "the spirit of morphine" started to talk to me. It was feeding off of my pain. It was hoping it could have 'a real good feed'. Thats what it likes the most. I kept hearing that, as clear as a voice but without sound.
[I]Then I decided not to feed this morphine spirit. It was as much like a living entity as I am. It lives with us, waiting for an opportunity for pain and despair.
.
[I]So real. It was all around me now, with some other spirits. Shit, I don't even believe in god or ghosts. THere were there, swirling in the trees and waiting for some blood and getting high on my despair.
If I died, they won, I thought. I was a joke to them. They were playing with me. Morphine Spirit grew really strong and kicked all the others away, the trees were swaying wildly but the wind had gone calm when I stuck my head out the window. I held out some paper and it didn't blow around at all, but the trees were nearly uprooted. Morphine spirit was feeding on my pain. I felt it was the OTHER spirits that wanted me dead, but morphine wanted the pain, so staying alive was best for morphine spirit.
Finally I drove away, barely able to stay between the lines. I thought of going really fast and driving off the cliffs or into a bridge. NO!!! - I would not die but just be injured badly And Morphine Spirit just wanted pain, not death. 'Keep driving' I told myself.
Eventually I saw a pay phone and called some friends back home. I asked them if they would spot me some morph if I got there, "yes" they said. I would be late, it was 10pm allready and I had many miles to go. I could barely walk, and hoped nobody saw me walk back to the vehicle or the police would put me in a cell for the night, HORRORS!!!
I don't remember much of the rest of the trip, Morphine Spirit seemed to lose interest in me. I got home and found that hit and lived.
And that was the worst kick ever, for me, so far. . . . I think I was in hell, but a "real" hell, and now I might believe thatmorphine has an actual spirit that actually lives amongst us.
- geees, thats a bit heavy eh. Maybe I should keep some things to myself... I've NEVER told anyone this story before, it helps that I am anonymous here...
There is a thing called "unmasking", where the pains are covered up for years on opiates, and then they all come out, including the increased pains over time you didn't realize were there. This is ON TOP of the withdrawal pains of opiates.
I was given a prescription for morphine after many years of having chronic pain condition, something like Fibromyalgia or M/S. It helped a lot, it saved my life. I took that prescription [as prescribed] for another 13 years without a break.
Then, I moved to another part of the country, another province. I started looking for a doctor in the new place, and only found denials about my pain!! Interesting how they say "you are lying about your pains" when I was sitting there in pain!! So, I was cut off from my saving grace [morphine]. Also, at that time my teeth were really getting bad, infection and so on, with lots of strong pains.
I had never known withdrawal pains, other than the gut cramps of mornings. So when I kicked I went into a special hell of tooth pains, Fibromyalgia pains unmasked, and withdrawals.
I checked into a De-Tox centre. They were mean there, asking "why are YOU here?" . I was very confused, and they ordered some meds for me that never arrived, meds for gut cramps that my doctor had prescribed [can't remember now what they were...],. Oddly, I had some of them in my vehicle right outside the door. They would NOT let me get them, only the pills THEY bring in can be used in DeTox.
I was barely walking, but I stood straight up and said "I can drive and I am leaving". So, I left. I drove one block and parked in a mall lot. I found the gut pills and some codiens and just sat there in terror, such extreme pains and so uncertain. In the DeTox centre, I had tried to cut myself so I would bleed and hoped that would make me faint or something. When I was parked in the mall lot, I found my knife and thought about it again, but it was dull and I wimped out.
My teeth were raging, my gut was aching, my leg and back pains were worse than I had ever known them. Headaches, neck cramps, calf cramps, my skin hurt.
Eventually the codeins or something helped a bit, and I was getting bad vibes there in the parking lot, so I drove out of town. I lived over 200 kms away, could I get there and die there instead? I tried to drive a bit, made it 50 kms and stopped at a pullout in the forested areas. Lonely out there, no traffic, nothing but forest.
Then it really started - the worst part of the worst kick of my life [so far]:
I opened the window and the wind was blowing a bit. The trees started talking to me, it was the spirit of morphine. I tried to walk but my legs would not hold me up,. I got back in the vehicle and "the spirit of morphine" started to talk to me. It was feeding off of my pain. It was hoping it could have 'a real good feed'. Thats what it likes the most. I kept hearing that, as clear as a voice but without sound.
[I]Then I decided not to feed this morphine spirit. It was as much like a living entity as I am. It lives with us, waiting for an opportunity for pain and despair.
.
[I]So real. It was all around me now, with some other spirits. Shit, I don't even believe in god or ghosts. THere were there, swirling in the trees and waiting for some blood and getting high on my despair.
If I died, they won, I thought. I was a joke to them. They were playing with me. Morphine Spirit grew really strong and kicked all the others away, the trees were swaying wildly but the wind had gone calm when I stuck my head out the window. I held out some paper and it didn't blow around at all, but the trees were nearly uprooted. Morphine spirit was feeding on my pain. I felt it was the OTHER spirits that wanted me dead, but morphine wanted the pain, so staying alive was best for morphine spirit.
Finally I drove away, barely able to stay between the lines. I thought of going really fast and driving off the cliffs or into a bridge. NO!!! - I would not die but just be injured badly And Morphine Spirit just wanted pain, not death. 'Keep driving' I told myself.
Eventually I saw a pay phone and called some friends back home. I asked them if they would spot me some morph if I got there, "yes" they said. I would be late, it was 10pm allready and I had many miles to go. I could barely walk, and hoped nobody saw me walk back to the vehicle or the police would put me in a cell for the night, HORRORS!!!
I don't remember much of the rest of the trip, Morphine Spirit seemed to lose interest in me. I got home and found that hit and lived.
And that was the worst kick ever, for me, so far. . . . I think I was in hell, but a "real" hell, and now I might believe thatmorphine has an actual spirit that actually lives amongst us.
- geees, thats a bit heavy eh. Maybe I should keep some things to myself... I've NEVER told anyone this story before, it helps that I am anonymous here...