Meaning and motivation

[BorisB]

I'm gonna throw out some random history and feelings out there and see if anyone feels parallels in their own life, post if you feel anything ring.


What worked up my interest in drugs in general was erowid.org. What worked up my interest in opiates was Junky by William S. Burroughs.

I had tried Vicodin and Percocet and Codeine, but none of them worked for me. They still don't; just don't do anything no matter what dose I take. I thought I was CYP2D6 deficient (which means my body would not be able to process them), but a blood test showed that I was not. I had to explain what it was to the doctors when I requested that blood test be done.

Finally finding M and H, I found out what Junk really was. I only found them after I started on anti-depressants. I've never been a happy person and being opiated has been the most pleasant experience I've ever had, though I've always controlled my use and been able to be relatively responsible.

Current anti-depressants usually work on Serotonin and Neurotonin. At least, mine do. There are no medications that work on the Endorphins of the brain. So if I had an endorphin deficiency (like a depressed person might have a serotonin deficiency) I'd be out of luck. Endorphins are central to the pleasant feelings of life and I've never had much of them, I don't think. Junk is a welcome reprieve of opioid-receptor stimulation.

On Junk, I was never like a "junkie." Rather, opiated, I felt motivated and social and wanted to do things and be around people much more than I ever have wanted to without opiation. It's totally a positive stimulator for me to do work and be social. It's like the perfect anti-depressant to make me feel right and feel like I can go and do what I will. And I do when I've got it.


I dnno... I guess this is a random tirade.

[Dark New Day]

yea this is a normal. i think it has this effect on everyone. well when you first start at least.

[nick]

I too read oncle Bill before getting in to junk,but I really don't think it made that much of a difference.
I think there are many factors that make us junkies,both physiological and social.Sometimes a book is just a book.

[HistoryofMadness]

I was born a fucking junky, raised a junky, went to school to learn the finer and higher arts of being a junky, then went to grad school at the acclaimed junky school of hard knocks (JSHK) where I graduated with junky honors...

seriously, nothing cures ennui like getting fucked up. stop caring, a little avoiding, and lots and lots of dopamine...

[CUBErt]

I read alot on Erowid as well, but mostly for psychedelics. Those are what I was really interested in (and still am). Unfortunately I tend to get too paranoid and introspective on them and took a break. Even pot made me too cloudy, fucked up and paranoid. Thats why opiates got along with me so well, because I was free of these negative effects and felt 10x better.
Heroin always intrigued me for some reason. Back in the days of DARE and similar things I remember the word itself would almost send shivers down my spine, but thinking back it wasn't always in a bad way. When I first tried heroin/tar I thought I was smoking opium, and when I found out what it actually was after I started using it didn't really surprise me too much, and I don't think it would have changed my mind if I knew that in the first place.

[Powdered Love]

I Unfortunately I tend to get too paranoid and introspective on them and took a break. Even pot made me too cloudy, fucked up and paranoid. Thats why opiates got along with me so well, because I was free of these negative effects and felt 10x better.



Totally agree there cube, i had the same thing happen to me. Gone were the days of good feelings from pot and hallucinogens so that has a lot to do with why i turned to opiates. Along with many other reasons, of course. One being moderate depression. Although some people turn to drugs because of something bad that happened to them as a child or some other trauma like that, i turned to drugs because of boredom... Of course, thats not to say that i don't have some trauma buried so deep that i can't remember it, but i've had a pretty normal life so far so the only think i can come up with is boredom.

ehh i think i'm rambling, you get my drift....

[Levity]

[quote=BorisB;44489]
On Junk, I was never like a "junkie." Rather, opiated, I felt motivated and social and wanted to do things and be around people much more than I ever have wanted to without opiation. It's totally a positive stimulator for me to do work and be social. It's like the perfect anti-depressant to make me feel right and feel like I can go and do what I will. And I do when I've got it.
[quote]

For most people, myself included, low to moderate doses induce energy and socialbility... At least at first. I take opiates before parties, social gatherings... Hell, I snorted oxy for the first time before my graduate school interviews. After being accepted, my research adviser told me how impressed they board was with how outgoing and well spoken I was. I owe it all to Junk.

The trick is to moderate, to concentrate, and to not let the cute little chimp that makes you social and happy into a man - and life - eating gorilla.

[red26]

I agree with alot of the above said, and experience alot of it myself. But what about those of us that started out with exterior reasons for depression as well as interior? I dont feel bad for myself or anything but my life really has been nightmare after another. I rarely let it bother me and then I found H. For some strange reason it had opened a door for me that allowed me to deal with past shit on a conscience level. After a while when I came down it was another story all together.
All of a sudden the things that I put on the back burner that had been brought out front to cope with now were still there, and I had come down. Of course this in turn created a craving to get loaded more and keep fighting the good fight for myself but my addiction was now spilling over into my "normal" life.
To me it meant happiness and finally a sense of fullfillment with the possability of coping skills of a superior nature to what I had before as motivation. Plus I just love drugs. Gettin loaded and just going for a walk, getting a decent cup-o-joe and just chillin with myself is something I love to do. Heroin made everything I enjoyed abruptly better 10 fold.
It has really fucked up alot in my life though. On thurs. I got outta court for poss., went to see my P.O., they tell me to call on wed. to find out who's runnin my case so within an hour I was in the saddle. It can turn into a vicous(spellin?) thing if you let it.

[muz]

Yep,

Very very similar to my love affair with Opiates.. Boundless energy and out-goingness/helpfulness/selfless service/talking with anyone and everyone who will talk to me, no matter who.. bums on the street.. and giving them the shirt off my back... DEFINITELY not the sort of behavior that other drugs can induce..i.e. coke..
Anyone else get this way?

[Seedy]

Yep,

Very very similar to my love affair with Opiates.. Boundless energy and out-goingness/helpfulness/selfless service/talking with anyone and everyone who will talk to me, no matter who.. bums on the street.. and giving them the shirt off my back... DEFINITELY not the sort of behavior that other drugs can induce..i.e. coke..
Anyone else get this way?

Yeah for sure man. Until the WD's kick in then it's every man for himself! And I agree with most of the opinions so far. I kind of out grew weed & psychadelics as they lost their recreational qualities and started making me useless & paranoid. And the boredom/depression thing is what got me into drugs in the first place (alcohol included here). Opiates are the only drugs I can take constantly that I can function on and live a healthy life. It's been well over a decade that I've been completely drug free but from what I can remember I'm more functional now on opiates than I ever was sober. Since I was 12 or so, anyway.

[chemboy7]

I got the anxiety bad out in public, sometimes hyperventilation bad, and Opaites always helped me deal with it better than anything I was ever prescribed... better than Benzodiazepines even. Made me feel normal, didn't even think about it. The only problem is when you start relying on them for that purpose your just adding to your kick... it's so much worse then without them.

[Seedy]

I got the anxiety bad out in public, sometimes hyperventilation bad, and Opaites always helped me deal with it better than anything I was ever prescribed... better than Benzodiazepines even. Made me feel normal, didn't even think about it. The only problem is when you start relying on them for that purpose your just adding to your kick... it's so much worse then without them.

That's a good point. Makes even the prospect of kicking scary. Much easier to imagine spending the rest of your llife opiated.:rolleyes:

[dorje]

I had my first heroin while attending Columbia College as a freshmen on a full National Merit scholarship. All my friends at Columbia were on junk, We went to faculty teas to score the cookies and Harlem (three blocks away) for the junk. The cookies were our dinner.