Dark New Day
09-26-2006, 02:56 AM
wel this is my first post on here and hope im doing it right but anyways here goes.
this is a story (nightmare/blessing in disguise) of how i was able to come clean off of opiates.
lets just start way back at around two and a half years ago. i had a opiate addiction of around 200mg of oxycontin a day habbit. i would snort it and inject it, the only time i would snort it is when i was running short and had little left with little money and a very flaky connection. but oxys were not the only thing id take you name it if it was an opiate i would take it. oxy vics morphine, percs etc.
wel the problem was i was on "opiates" way too long and was tired of the withdraws and no income or steady source of supply. when i say opiates thats cause i had no real dependable source of supply and no means of income but i had a really big habbit. i was in withdraws every day it seemed. it was like a routine i would go through, and this is how it went. i would have to first try to find a way to get some money. and this was not an easy task to do when you have no job. i would have to try to borrow some from some one. not easy either cause i owed everyone and their mom. or id have to try to sell somthing or pawn something.everything i owned i had already sold or pawned so i didnt really have nothing left. (keep in mind im trying to do all this going thru full blown bedriddin type withdrawals). oh yea did i mention i lived at my fathers place in the back trailer secluded from anyone. i was even to the point of stealing from my family members, i was very asshamed but was in great pain so it was justified in the time of need.
second when i was able to round up some funds i would have to try to locate some oc from my only source of oc. but he was very flaky and unreliable. so most the time he would make me wait forever and sometimes he would have it sometimes he wouldnt. i even had one time when he told me to come over cause he had some just and when i arrived he told me he lost it. so when i couldnt get that i would have to try to find some vics or morphene pills, or anything i could get my hands on.
well the point is i was tired of this whole routine. .i lived my life in my room ,alone, in bed, most the time in withdraws for about a year now. i was tired of the pain and depression.i was tired of withdrawing over and over again.i had been through them a hundred times before. i had tried time and time again to quit. to me i finnaly arrived at the conclusionthat it was impossible. my brain told me from all the past experiences that i could not kick this and that it truly was an imposiible obsticle to overcome.it was hopeless to me. there was no way out.i had to either live with this addiction or die with it. and i could not bare this anymore so i chose death as my way out.
one sad night 5 hrs after shooting 40mg of my last oc i decided to kill myself. so i grabbed a razor and cut what i thought looked like a main vein in my lower arm. i was not real sure how to do this but i knew if i waited much longer i would be withdrawing again so i made this decision quick. what i didnt expect was is that i bled for a really long time and there was blood everywhere and it seemed that aftera while the blood seemed to stop flowing and id have to cut it open again. i know its nasty and im not proud of this. by this time it had been i think like 45 mins of bleeding and i cant describe the pain i went through and lightheaded to the point of what seemed like blindness. i never expected dying to be so hard and painful. this was not working and i was in unbearable pain, sitting in a pool of my own blood in a paralized like state. so finally i called 911 for help, and this was hard to do seeming i could barly move or see.man i was a loser. i couldnt even kill myself properly.
so after that the ambulance came and rushed me to the hospital and the drs. filled me back up with blood and kept me on morphene for three days. that was no problem with me cause i was getting plenty of drugs. im not really sure how much blood i lost but i do know that it was a whole lot.
but on the third day the dr came in and cut me off the morphene and tol me that in like 6 hrs i was gonna have to speak with a mental dr. im not sure the propper name for that type of dr so we will leave it at that. when i spoke with this dr. she said i was gonna be checked in to a crazy house cause apparently its illegal to try to kill yourself. go figure1 i thought i was doing the world a favor.
by the time i was checked in to this halfway house (crazy house) i was sweating bullets ane i could feel the withdraws coming on already and did imention it was two days before thanks giving, and my birthday was on the 16th.just thought id throw that in there. this sucked!i was locked in a crazy house a week after my birthday and two days before thanksgiving and about to go thru some major w/ds. i was in for the long haul because of the holiday weekend. i was screwed. i was gonna have to detox in here. i told the nurse what i was going thru and addicted to but she was unsympathetic and told me it was too bad cause i would not be able to see a doc for a few days cause of the holiday. this was a load of crap. should they not have a qualified doc on hand at all times if needed? anyways i had to detox in here for like 5 days and it was hell. i can not describe the pain and suffering that wen on in here. and to do it in a crazy house was even worse. it was bad!!!
well after i was admitted out and my father picked me up, i was given a check up app. a couple days later and at that time the dr. basically brushed me off and told me that i dont need any type of antidepressants or meds and that i should speak to a addiction therapyst.
when i did that the specialist told me to go to a methadone clinic and that they would help me there. when i went there they told me that i didnt qualify for methadone cause #1 i was hooked on prescriptiopn opiates and it was for i guess heroin users only and #2 it was a womens facility. this was a load of crap. the specialist sent me there and then i get shot down. it seemed like no one wanted to help me.and the bad part is i truly wanted help and it seemed like there was no help for the low income single person. i guess if you cant afford help and your single then you dont get any help. but what did i expect? these were county programs which basically rendered them useless unless you qualify for medical or other types of free insurance. but i had nothing and qualified for nothing so therefore i got nothing.
by now i realized it was up to me and obviously i couldnt kill myself properly and i was already a week into my detox so i said f#*% it and just went cold turkey and tokk recovery into my own hands since no one wanted to help. and let me say whoever said it only takes 3-5 days till the w/d pains go away is wrong! it seemed like it took like a month. and a hellish month it was. it seemed like i didnt even sleep but maybe 45 mins a night if i was lucky.so i basically went a month with little to no sleep. i was probaly the closest thing to a real life zombie as it gets. i think the only thing that kept me alive is that my appitite came back after about a week and a half. and i ate a lot ,
after that month past i started to slowly gain more and more sleep a night til all the suddden boom!! i was finally normal again.i could eat, i could sleep, and i had energy! finally the impossible became a reality. my dreams finally came true. i was no longer a slave to opiates, i was FREE!!!no more withdraws. no more trying to find a score.i was so happy.i did the impossible. and i did it on my own.i was on a different type of high and it was free and without consequence or withdraws. it was a freedom high.an undescribable high that i will never forget
to this day i have remained sober without relapse. and on thanksgiving day this year will mark my 2 year anniversary of sobriety (give or take a day) and to this day i can say that i would rather die than to take another opiate again. i still feel depression and anxiety at times and maybe i could use some help with it. but i know how that county help goes and im not about to go through that again. but i got clean by myself so i should ba able to handle this no problem.
when i started this i didnt know this would be so long but im not good at writing or typing and i know that my spelling and punc. is not good , but the point is there (i think?) and i have never wrote anything to this extent before so hopefully it gets posted and i hope at least some people read this to this point.
well before i go let me just say this. i used to truly belive that i was impossible to stop using. and i almost died because of it.but finally i did and i broke free. it was possible after all.
well hopefully i can help some one with this in giving them hope that i could have used a very long time ago when i was in a very dark, depressed, and hopeless state of mind
Freedom is not free and it did not come cheap to me. Anything worth haveing is hard to obtain. but that does not make it impossible if you want it bad enough. dont give up.It is possible and hopefully you wont have to go down the road i went.
this is a story (nightmare/blessing in disguise) of how i was able to come clean off of opiates.
lets just start way back at around two and a half years ago. i had a opiate addiction of around 200mg of oxycontin a day habbit. i would snort it and inject it, the only time i would snort it is when i was running short and had little left with little money and a very flaky connection. but oxys were not the only thing id take you name it if it was an opiate i would take it. oxy vics morphine, percs etc.
wel the problem was i was on "opiates" way too long and was tired of the withdraws and no income or steady source of supply. when i say opiates thats cause i had no real dependable source of supply and no means of income but i had a really big habbit. i was in withdraws every day it seemed. it was like a routine i would go through, and this is how it went. i would have to first try to find a way to get some money. and this was not an easy task to do when you have no job. i would have to try to borrow some from some one. not easy either cause i owed everyone and their mom. or id have to try to sell somthing or pawn something.everything i owned i had already sold or pawned so i didnt really have nothing left. (keep in mind im trying to do all this going thru full blown bedriddin type withdrawals). oh yea did i mention i lived at my fathers place in the back trailer secluded from anyone. i was even to the point of stealing from my family members, i was very asshamed but was in great pain so it was justified in the time of need.
second when i was able to round up some funds i would have to try to locate some oc from my only source of oc. but he was very flaky and unreliable. so most the time he would make me wait forever and sometimes he would have it sometimes he wouldnt. i even had one time when he told me to come over cause he had some just and when i arrived he told me he lost it. so when i couldnt get that i would have to try to find some vics or morphene pills, or anything i could get my hands on.
well the point is i was tired of this whole routine. .i lived my life in my room ,alone, in bed, most the time in withdraws for about a year now. i was tired of the pain and depression.i was tired of withdrawing over and over again.i had been through them a hundred times before. i had tried time and time again to quit. to me i finnaly arrived at the conclusionthat it was impossible. my brain told me from all the past experiences that i could not kick this and that it truly was an imposiible obsticle to overcome.it was hopeless to me. there was no way out.i had to either live with this addiction or die with it. and i could not bare this anymore so i chose death as my way out.
one sad night 5 hrs after shooting 40mg of my last oc i decided to kill myself. so i grabbed a razor and cut what i thought looked like a main vein in my lower arm. i was not real sure how to do this but i knew if i waited much longer i would be withdrawing again so i made this decision quick. what i didnt expect was is that i bled for a really long time and there was blood everywhere and it seemed that aftera while the blood seemed to stop flowing and id have to cut it open again. i know its nasty and im not proud of this. by this time it had been i think like 45 mins of bleeding and i cant describe the pain i went through and lightheaded to the point of what seemed like blindness. i never expected dying to be so hard and painful. this was not working and i was in unbearable pain, sitting in a pool of my own blood in a paralized like state. so finally i called 911 for help, and this was hard to do seeming i could barly move or see.man i was a loser. i couldnt even kill myself properly.
so after that the ambulance came and rushed me to the hospital and the drs. filled me back up with blood and kept me on morphene for three days. that was no problem with me cause i was getting plenty of drugs. im not really sure how much blood i lost but i do know that it was a whole lot.
but on the third day the dr came in and cut me off the morphene and tol me that in like 6 hrs i was gonna have to speak with a mental dr. im not sure the propper name for that type of dr so we will leave it at that. when i spoke with this dr. she said i was gonna be checked in to a crazy house cause apparently its illegal to try to kill yourself. go figure1 i thought i was doing the world a favor.
by the time i was checked in to this halfway house (crazy house) i was sweating bullets ane i could feel the withdraws coming on already and did imention it was two days before thanks giving, and my birthday was on the 16th.just thought id throw that in there. this sucked!i was locked in a crazy house a week after my birthday and two days before thanksgiving and about to go thru some major w/ds. i was in for the long haul because of the holiday weekend. i was screwed. i was gonna have to detox in here. i told the nurse what i was going thru and addicted to but she was unsympathetic and told me it was too bad cause i would not be able to see a doc for a few days cause of the holiday. this was a load of crap. should they not have a qualified doc on hand at all times if needed? anyways i had to detox in here for like 5 days and it was hell. i can not describe the pain and suffering that wen on in here. and to do it in a crazy house was even worse. it was bad!!!
well after i was admitted out and my father picked me up, i was given a check up app. a couple days later and at that time the dr. basically brushed me off and told me that i dont need any type of antidepressants or meds and that i should speak to a addiction therapyst.
when i did that the specialist told me to go to a methadone clinic and that they would help me there. when i went there they told me that i didnt qualify for methadone cause #1 i was hooked on prescriptiopn opiates and it was for i guess heroin users only and #2 it was a womens facility. this was a load of crap. the specialist sent me there and then i get shot down. it seemed like no one wanted to help me.and the bad part is i truly wanted help and it seemed like there was no help for the low income single person. i guess if you cant afford help and your single then you dont get any help. but what did i expect? these were county programs which basically rendered them useless unless you qualify for medical or other types of free insurance. but i had nothing and qualified for nothing so therefore i got nothing.
by now i realized it was up to me and obviously i couldnt kill myself properly and i was already a week into my detox so i said f#*% it and just went cold turkey and tokk recovery into my own hands since no one wanted to help. and let me say whoever said it only takes 3-5 days till the w/d pains go away is wrong! it seemed like it took like a month. and a hellish month it was. it seemed like i didnt even sleep but maybe 45 mins a night if i was lucky.so i basically went a month with little to no sleep. i was probaly the closest thing to a real life zombie as it gets. i think the only thing that kept me alive is that my appitite came back after about a week and a half. and i ate a lot ,
after that month past i started to slowly gain more and more sleep a night til all the suddden boom!! i was finally normal again.i could eat, i could sleep, and i had energy! finally the impossible became a reality. my dreams finally came true. i was no longer a slave to opiates, i was FREE!!!no more withdraws. no more trying to find a score.i was so happy.i did the impossible. and i did it on my own.i was on a different type of high and it was free and without consequence or withdraws. it was a freedom high.an undescribable high that i will never forget
to this day i have remained sober without relapse. and on thanksgiving day this year will mark my 2 year anniversary of sobriety (give or take a day) and to this day i can say that i would rather die than to take another opiate again. i still feel depression and anxiety at times and maybe i could use some help with it. but i know how that county help goes and im not about to go through that again. but i got clean by myself so i should ba able to handle this no problem.
when i started this i didnt know this would be so long but im not good at writing or typing and i know that my spelling and punc. is not good , but the point is there (i think?) and i have never wrote anything to this extent before so hopefully it gets posted and i hope at least some people read this to this point.
well before i go let me just say this. i used to truly belive that i was impossible to stop using. and i almost died because of it.but finally i did and i broke free. it was possible after all.
well hopefully i can help some one with this in giving them hope that i could have used a very long time ago when i was in a very dark, depressed, and hopeless state of mind
Freedom is not free and it did not come cheap to me. Anything worth haveing is hard to obtain. but that does not make it impossible if you want it bad enough. dont give up.It is possible and hopefully you wont have to go down the road i went.