The almost OD

[tui]

You call it falling out. We call it going over.

People always talk about heroin OD as the ultimate way to die, I guess they think it's like drifting off to sleep. Snug and safe. But on the occasion I've had too much, and been a fingernail away from losing consciousness, it's a nightmarish, terrifying feeling.

Murky, disturbing hallucinations, with thoughts that slip past too quickly for me to grab onto or make sense of. If someone asks me a question, I've forgotten what it was by the time I open my mouth to respond. I can't complete a thought, let alone a sentence. To move at all involves a herculean effort. However - I'm aware enough to feel trapped. It's like the complete opposite of everything that's nice about being well-opiated.

I haven't heard anyone else mention the almost-OD state. Do any of you know what I'm talking about?

[reallyreality]

Yes. Well Written.

[poppy]

My one and only 'going over' experience (we call it that in the UK too) way back at the beginning of this mess of a life as an addict I have created, and it was horrible. I was with the ex at his stepdads, and I didn't pass out, I just couldn't breathe or speak. I was manhandled up the road to the phonebox and they phoned an ambulance. Once I was in the ambulance I did pass out. I woke up in casualty with the ex asking the doctor how close to being dead I'd been, because he thought because I didn't pass out it meant i was putting it on........the doctor soon put him in his place about how blue I was when I arrived. Looking back its like I knew I had to stay conscious until I was in safe hands - if his step dad handn't been there I doubt I'd be here now. I still feel bad about it happening at his step dad's house. I sent him (the stepdad a sorry card and a bottle of cider the next day (he was an alcoholic so would have appreciated the gift) The ex made sure I felt terrible about it for months afterwards. I still cringe thinking about it. So no it wasn't a pleasant experience at all. Since then I've always been careful with the 'you can add more (heroin) but you can't take it away rule'

[Chipper]

No, I don't recall actually being in the state that you described.

I tend to "almost" blackout where I remember that actual point of collapse plus strange little bits of information. Hours of time are lost.

Apart from being very dangerous, it's also damn annoying because you really miss the best part.

Please go easy Tui ... you're at the limits of your tolerance.

[OxyRush Limbaugh]

yes, Tui, I know that state.

You described it really well. I know I'm too close to the edge when time gets all fucked up for me, like I can't tell if a second or a year was involved in the last action, being it breathing or trying to open my eyelids.

Sometimes though it's a really peaceful and pleasant feeling being that close. Those are the times I guess, I didn't care if I feel out for good or not. I think how we feel when we get really close to falling out depends on how shitty our life is.

Good life=great fear when close to od'ing, shitty life=meh when we're about to go over.

Fortunately I have something(body) watching me as I always get pulled back from the brink.

[I'm-Nod-Addicted]

Personally, I like the paralyzed, not able to breath, "...am I dead?" state!

:p:p

[upstate_007]

The few times I did OD it was scary. I knew it was happening and could not stop it or even tell the people around me I needed help. Then things went black. Luckily I woke up in a hospital in agony from the narcan.

It was a real fucked up feeling. Knowing I was about to die.

[Poppylvr]

I OD'd on quaaludes back in the day. It's been 39 years ago (jeeziskeerist, I'm OLD) so memories are very vague.
I remember a sensation of needing to breathe and not being able to do it and I felt fear. I do remember my friend Craig -the guy who turned me on to opiates!- saying she's not breathing.
The next thing I remember is fighting with the Emergency department staff as they put the breathing tube in. Don't remember anything after that til I awakened the next day w a sore throat.

[OrangeLude]

I have not been to that place. Probably closer than I know. Your expression of it makes me clearly understand the feelings and the internal dialogue.
xo
OL

[dtklamf]

Od'ing on heroin was def. the most terrifying one, the absolute inability to stop it and drifting further and further towards death in a couple of minutes was enough for me to quit heroin.

the other time i od'ed was on pills and was less frightening, can't remember much of it anyway except that i woke up in the hospital with a sore throat and my shit was black because of the norit. vaguely remember someone asking what i took and my dad trying to keep me awake in the car.

[gameface]

I've never OD'd on anything, except maybe other than alcohol, or a benzo blackout. With opiates I have never even been scared, although I certainly took a bunch of shots (pun intended) at it. However cocaine IV or smoked has certainly had me REALLY fuckin scared I was gonna have a heart attack. I like to say " I have a whole lot of self preservation in me"

Also I kinda live by the motto that you can always do more, but you cant do less. I guess with alcohol u can vomit. I too thought that an opiate OD was at least somewhat peaceful, not a seizing, convulsing mess like a coke OK. Suppose thats not really the case 'eh.

Good luck Tui, and please dont "Go Over" !!!!!!!!!!

[nick]

Sure,recognize it well.It's like being caught in a tide-fear,panic and impotence.Not enjoyable at all.

So,be careful,guys.

[JTDuffet]

My OD was not like that at all.. it was a shoot up... lights out.. wake up 5 days later in ER... breathing tube, catheter, leg bags, the works... i have 2 pictures of my "out" my mom took as a final shot of me in the ER bed hooked up with tubes.. but i recovered.."thanks god"...

-jt

[Tony]

Tui,


You had better not "go over" or "fall out" or any shit like that!

Please, you are much too beautiful a creature for that....

I am certain you have important things to do, places to go and people to meet!
There is Love in the Universe. It is just hard to feel it sometimes...

Be careful..... You are a smart one... Uncle Tony's mantra is " Safety First! "

I tell all the people I love the same thing! Safety First... Repeat the mantra....


Peace and Love to Tui.... and a big Texas hug from Tony...

[norseman]

Its odd. I have never experienced anything like that in the "Almost OD" state that you mentioned Tui.

Whenever I have been close to falling out I actually find it quite peaceful. It only happened real bad with fent before so, maybe that makes it different then H. I usually just knod out peacefully and then wake up in massive pain. I woke once from, I guess what everyone would call a hard knod 'Almost OD'. I must have been sitting in a very contorted position because I was in massive pain, unable to move cause the blood in both legs had been cut off for hours! Even the blood in my arms and hands had pooled or something. It literally felt as if I was waking up from the dead. Every joint in my body was in severe pain. I think my body was trying to protect vital organs from the respiratory depression?? That also kicked off a small bout of pneumonia with me. I figure it was because my breathing was very shallow for many hours and fluid built up in them. I was coughing up blood for a few days. Totally stupid!! Being the goof I was back then I never really figured it all out and kept chasing until my tolerance was just too high.

Anyways, like I said it was peaceful on the way out, but coming to has always been the scary part for me. To me, the knod was everything. That is what I loved above all. What I didn't realize at the time was how close I was coming to going over on many occasions, and risking everything. Now I feel guilt and sadness thinking about what I could have done to my loved ones/self. Messed up.

Stick around Tui you are 'NIFTY' chick and I often have naughty dreams about your avatar. ;)

[ouaisOut]

I've definitely had that feeling 2x and at that time period, I was not committed to staying alive, except to save from grief adoptive family (who'd had horrible lives, not involved with me) and to save friends from grief.

That pull is strong in me, I think because I'm adopted and some other stuff about trying harder and harder to overcome what I really wanted (death).

I've been reading a lot of Tolstoy and he would suggest that that was the temptation I was fighting: suicide, self-abnegation. Well, I'm still going on the self-abnegation but in a different way.. But yeah, it didn't feel good even though I had accepted that I was probably going to die. Which was a great comforting feeling to ME at that point, but my concern for my family was so strong that I keep bouncing back between please let me go. and NO I can't yet. I can make it another 20 years. (This was an age I'd set for myself when suicidal thoughts became daily for a few years and I finally knew that that was my road in life. Lot s of thearpy and struggle to become better. But I had to tough it out. Spalding Grey fought the good fight against despair until 61)

I guess to enjoy your final fall-out, you really have to be ready. And that's probably the dumbest thing and most obvious thing someone's posted to these boards. But one thing I did find out s that I would not choose an H OD to go. Too many chances for it to go wrong. A gun to the head will be the preferred method when I choose the time.

[ryan5892]

When I "fell out" i wasnt aware of anything. I lay down on a bed and next thing I know im in the arms of two friends and they are carrying me to the car. i came to as they were carrying me and exclaimed,

"dude, why are you guys carrying me"

"you just passed out on the bed and your lips turned blue and everything! we smacked you for like 5 minutes but it didnt work, so we were about to take you to the hospital"

"what man stop freakin out i was just nodding and havin a good time."

so yea, i imagine an OD being the most wonderful death, i felt nothing.

[Count Zero]

I OD'd on quaaludes back in the day. It's been 39 years ago (jeeziskeerist, I'm OLD) so memories are very vague.
I remember a sensation of needing to breathe and not being able to do it and I felt fear. I do remember my friend Craig -the guy who turned me on to opiates!- saying she's not breathing.
The next thing I remember is fighting with the Emergency department staff as they put the breathing tube in. Don't remember anything after that til I awakened the next day w a sore throat.

Same for me, except both mine were dope (or dope/benzos/alcohol). I was 100% flat out gone until they shoved the tube down my throat, then I was 99% flat out gone with a very sore throat. If I had died I would have gone from life to death without any awareness at all. I'm very glad I didn't and these days I take steps to ensure it never happens again.

[TheTalkingAsshole]

I think this is a good time to remind people to try and get yourself some Naloxone if it's available in your area.

[chillbreh]

i couldnt even afford to od...i can barley get by maintaining yet alone being close to an od or even a nod at tht....like tryn to squeeze blood from stone

[fauxflavored]

i know the feeling. sometimes some of the things you mentioned happen to me even when i'm not near OD'ing, just when i'm really fucked up. similar to what you said about forgetting the question right after hearing it--i will sometimes just make a random statement. not having any relevance to a conversation i may be having or one that may have been had in recent time.

but much like ryan, my "falling out" just consists of what i think is just a nod, until i wake up an hour later not knowing what or how the fuck anything happened, or how i got to where i might be. one time i shot some FIRE and went outside to smoke a cigarette. the next thing i know i was sprawled out on my living room floor. very terrifying.

[irish]

I had a close-call the other night on my normal dose. Was fighting to breathe and stay awake. Not at all pleasant.

[ausativa]

to me, almost od'ing is like hanging your feet over the edge of a building or a really tall cliff on a windy day. there is just that knot in your stomach knowing that at any moment you could go over the edge and lose everything forever. i love that feeling.

[LayinLow]

Tui! Scary shit. Never came close with opiates, but real close with meth. Purity went sky high, my shot size stayed the same. Guess thats how they all go, huh? I couldn't imagine not being in control, with meth, I was still in control. I looked like a rabid skunk in heat, but I make sure no matter what drug it is I IV, that even if it was 100% pure, my size shot wouldn't kill me. With heroin, narcan would be needed. Ryan, sounds like you have good friends, I know mine would do the same. If you call them a 'friend', they won't leave when you're over the edge.
Be careful guys. Strong shots are great, for sure. Strong and stupid are much different, stay safe.
I have "OD'd' from alcohol and muscle relaxers. Breathing was fine, I wouldn't wake up no matter what though, my head was shaved, yuk yuk, I like it that way neway ;) i mean flexeril? That does nothing to me sober, alcohol involved lights out.
ehhhh, Tui! Remember the "S's" Strong and stupid. Thin line, but sweet pea, this place would just suck without you. I mean, have you smelled the noobz?
safety first..

[Love In Vein]

When I OD'd I didn't have that sort of experience. It was an odd high like I have never had before, very dreamy and unreal. I was staring out of the back window of my friend's CRX and noticed that it had been a while since I took a breath. This was before I knew about the CNS depressant attributes of H so I didn't understand what was happening. I took a breath and then began to wonder how long I could hold my breath for. I took a deep breath in and that's the last thing I remember. Fortunately for me my friends pulled into taco bell and asked me what I wanted, when I didn't answer they saw me laid out in the back seat with blue lips. It wasn't unpleasant at all but I imagine that has a lot to do with me not knowing what was going on. If I had I imagine I would have been much more panicky and freaked out.


Also I must agree, us noobz stink. Be careful...we've all lost way too many friends already.

[D Man]

You call it falling out. We call it going over.

People always talk about heroin OD as the ultimate way to die, I guess they think it's like drifting off to sleep. Snug and safe. But on the occasion I've had too much, and been a fingernail away from losing consciousness, it's a nightmarish, terrifying feeling.

Murky, disturbing hallucinations, with thoughts that slip past too quickly for me to grab onto or make sense of. If someone asks me a question, I've forgotten what it was by the time I open my mouth to respond. I can't complete a thought, let alone a sentence. To move at all involves a herculean effort. However - I'm aware enough to feel trapped. It's like the complete opposite of everything that's nice about being well-opiated.

I haven't heard anyone else mention the almost-OD state. Do any of you know what I'm talking about?

Wow. That was a great description, Tui. I've only "went over" a couple times, but if I ever go there again, imma look you up, beautiful. Hope yer well!

[Indy]

I don't think it'd be a bad way to die...I think the reason it's so terrifying for most is that you DON'T want to die. If you've already let go I imagine with a dose that's much too strong but not strong enough to make you constantly barf, it'd just be nodding out to oblivion and not waking up.

But the way some people are talking about it (including me I must admit)....I dunno........

Please, anyone feeling suicidal or just really depressed, don't get any ideas. Seriously.

[LayinLow]

Indy, I doubt that drug would be the one you want to end it all. What did that Heaven's Gate cult use? Barbs and Vodka right? Boring, but painless, so a few scientists were saying. No thoughts of hurting myself here Indy.. in the end, it really is a very selfish way to go.

[Michael]

Murky, disturbing hallucinations, with thoughts that slip past too quickly for me to grab onto or make sense of. If someone asks me a question, I've forgotten what it was by the time I open my mouth to respond. I can't complete a thought, let alone a sentence. To move at all involves a herculean effort. However - I'm aware enough to feel trapped. It's like the complete opposite of everything that's nice about being well-opiated.

I haven't heard anyone else mention the almost-OD state. Do any of you know what I'm talking about?

I've had it happen after a forced tolerance break in remand. Got out and a few circumstances caused me to nearly go over. 1. Reduced tolerance & excessive eagerness, 2. Getting slightly more gear than expected and not really thinking about it.

Basically after getting out we went to go score a grey and the guy ended up giving us two 60s instead. Bonus right? Well we turned it over together and i was in charge of splitting it (I did the junky 50/50 here which probably contributed) and was still in my head thinking of it like 50mgs (which isn't a massive dose for me but with a reduced tolerance it would be pretty heavy) I guesstimate I had around 70mgs before I stupidly I did a second rinse and added it to my shot and slammed it all.

I just remember it started off awesome but the rush turned into a headachey type feel. I felt like i was underwater. I would think "im going to say something about this" but end up taking 5 minutes to get a word out. I remember going over to the freezer to get some ice and nodding out with my head in it and that's it.

Woke up 4-5 hours later with a friend sitting next to me on a couch I'd been lifted onto. Would rattle and go blue and he'd shake me, do a sternum rub thing and i'd be okay. What an awesome friend!

[DirtySanchez]

Did this once when I was very opio naïve as well as young and dumb. Did 100 mg's of oc over an hour then after another hour of drinking thought it would be a good idea to chew up a 100 mcg fent patch. The only thing that kept me from falling out were 2 friends who kept me on my feet and took the patch. It was just as tui described. I couldn't hardly breathe let alone think or speak coherently. Now I'm much less wreckless and much more respectful of my friends and loved ones to not put them in such a situation ever again.

[Count Zero]

Amen bro, if I did that now I bet it would kill my mom or at least send her on her way and she's very healthy, it's just such a waste. That's what I call a good incentive to try and behave like a responsible human being, I can safely say that I will never OD on drugs (that I put in my body anyway) again, I think that is one lesson I've learned for good.