forgiveness

[soulman]

For everyone who has ever had a big H habit and gone back and forth thru detox, n.a., and all that shit.
After you become sober and you realize all the pain you have caused your family, friends, girls, and everyone who cares about you, and prolly stole, scammed,most of these peoples money,things, and love, how do you begin to forgive yourself. i know im not the same person when im on an H run, hell not even recognizable as a human being, but now im sober and have to look at allt the wreckage and its just so fucking hard. lost my fiancee',job, studio full of musical equip,and some of my relationships with friends seem like they will never be the same.......i just dont know how to handle this. someimes i honestly think about hanging myself, but that would only hurt everyone more,so i just need some suggestions from anyone who has been down the road, cause seriously the visions of an extension cord swinging from the rafters are getting more frequent and vivid day by fucking day.......



"sometimes, under the weight of life, things seem like theyd be brighter on the other side"
Dave Matthews

[candyshop]

do not know how to respond to this but felt the need to try--learn from your mistakes but you MUST learn to forgive yourself-shame and guilt and self-loathing are some of the biggest killers out there and will eat you alive if you do not excise them somehow ---granted guilt can be a powerful motivational tool in that you can
learn to cultivate better behaviors and habits in order to avoid the feeling but take that and move on---whatever has been torn down can be rebuilt ---sometimes a fresh start elsewhere, if possible,can do wonders----i believe with all my heart that addiction is a disease -you have been ill, and most junkies have suffered enough to have paid off thier debts in pure psychic anguish--------there are evil evil people in the world -it is unlikely that your deeds even put you in the top one billion----put your mistakes in perspective and be as gentle and merciful to yourself as you would to someone you love ....reach out to people ,talk to someone and show yourself a little kindness

[Opiyum]

better days are soon to come.

Do yourself a favor and be around for them and do all the loved ones around you a favor by sharing those days with them.

Dont lose sight everything man. Your gonna be okay. Just hang in there. Absolutely no pun intended by that.

[shaunclo]

Well Soulman, all I can say is that I know exactly (as do probably a lot of others) what you are going thru. You have taken off the H goggles and are now looking at your life without that high masking the view.

It can be really tough when you actually stop and turn around and see the damage that has been caused because of your addiction. At the height of my addiction, I did stuff to my BEST FRIEND I have ever had, I still have not been able to reconsile that relationship. Some things are patchable, some thing arent. But everything you have gone thru is a learning process, you have to let yourself heal, and let yourself be able to let go of the past.

The fact that you are clean now and are able to see what happened because of whatever it is you did is the first step to truly loving yourself. I know I was getting high for all the wrong reasons. Most of the time I thought I just hated myself and thats why I was doing what I was doing. Learning to love yourself for who you are is extremely hard, especially if you have caused a lot of people pain because of it. Letting go of the past is so fuckin hard, and is one of the reasons I relapse so much. I just cant seem to move forward and forget about what I know is wrong and bad for me and my life.

I am not going to tell you that it only gets better and will never get worse again, cause it will, but then it wont. Thats just fuckin life sober, its a goddamn rollercoaster full of ups and downs. A drug addict has a hard time not knowing how he/she is going to feel from moment to moment when we are so use to knowing EXACTLY how we are going to feel - something goes wrong, we get high, something goes right, we get high. That is one of the hardest things for me, not knowing how I am going to feel from day to day, I would rather be high all the time so I dont have any surprises.......but thats not life.

Giving up now would be a damn shame since you have come so far, some of the greatest and scariest days are the days I wake up and not know exactly whats going to happen - maybe something good, maybe something bad. I think you are worrying too much about the past and need to focus on the future..........good luck buddy, its a hard life we live, but you gotta keep on trucking..........shaun

[theobarbital]

this is a topic that has been of great importance to me as of late. i was actively addicted to opiates, tranks and booze for a decade, before getting into a methadone program and starting to nurse my wounds. a huge reason i chose to continue down this path for so long was simply because i could not accept the reality that i had created for myself. a reality cloaked in pain and mistrust of others. i had a terribly negative effect on everyone i loved. doing the same things we all did, lying, stealing, cheating. and now here i am 6 months clean still waking up every morning with intense guilt and fear that my past will catch up with me any day now. i dont know how to forgive myself either, but we have to learn to let it go. if we dont let these feelings go, we will end up in the exact same predicament, but only worse because of the progress we lost. please learn to let it go, thats what i am trying to do. we need to know we arent alone in these feelings. and if you are feeling shame or guilt, that is something to be grateful for, otherwise we would be devoid of any remorse for our actions.

[shaunclo]

if you are feeling shame or guilt, that is something to be grateful for, otherwise we would be devoid of any remorse for our actions.

...........can I get an AMEN my brothas and sistas!!!!

Serioulsy, very well said.

[roland2661]

(this is lifted from a previous posting of mine and edited somewhat but it applies here just as well if not more.)

I'm sorry I'm late to this topic, but I am new to the site, not the chase: Everything I could get my hands on since 1986 on and off in one form or another. I read a post from shaunclo and it hit me why after all this time I became a member of a site like this. We are all looking for why we are fucked up. Novacaine for the soul..... We are all on the fringe. We are zombies. Walking that line between heaven and hell. Not trying to be smart here, but Newtons law of relativity most definitely applies to the game: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. "The old ya play you pay" A long passed sage to the chase told me while I was high on percs, getting a tat, that that first opiate high that really hits you, do you all remember the one? Is like the first moment you fell in love when you were young and ignorant to lives pain. You can stop it for years but it's always there lingering. And if opportunity arises enough you will dance in the poppies again. And for those of us who live in urban areas there is just so many ways to get. Fuck that Trainspotting ,Godmother shit about 30yr uninterrupted habits. Never happens. You stay numb long enough thats what you become. "You are what you eat." Right? We are all junkers because we lost our way some where. We went left instead of right. How many times have you been fucking miserable and saw a coworker/ neighbor whatever acting euphorically happy and thought 'god damn I have to pay at least $100 to feel like that.' What are we hiding from? All I know is that opiates give me that something to look forward to like nothing else ever has? Women, my kid(being fucking honest here), nothing. Why? That's why we are all here. A way to reach out for some answers to a question that might not have one. I'm sorry if I sound preachy or like I think I know shit but I have been doing this a while. If I think I can catch a brother If I see him falling I'll try. We're all in same boat here. We talk a good game when we're jammed up posting, but we're hiding and yes trying to kill it all away. You can't run from yourself right?

SOULMAN: Coming off the shit is like losing a love and being dope sick combined. The grossness will end but it takes time. a little at a time. Then that moment when you go all day without thinking of it. You are eternally changed. There is no rewind button in this movie brother. Roll with it for a while and see were you go. When it becomes overwhelming and all consuming post it and take a breather.

[xfifthnailx]

For everyone who has ever had a big H habit and gone back and forth thru detox, n.a., and all that shit.
After you become sober and you realize all the pain you have caused your family, friends, girls, and everyone who cares about you, and prolly stole, scammed,most of these peoples money,things, and love, how do you begin to forgive yourself. i know im not the same person when im on an H run, hell not even recognizable as a human being, but now im sober and have to look at allt the wreckage and its just so fucking hard. lost my fiancee',job, studio full of musical equip,and some of my relationships with friends seem like they will never be the same.......i just dont know how to handle this. someimes i honestly think about hanging myself, but that would only hurt everyone more,so i just need some suggestions from anyone who has been down the road, cause seriously the visions of an extension cord swinging from the rafters are getting more frequent and vivid day by fucking day.......



"sometimes, under the weight of life, things seem like theyd be brighter on the other side"
Dave Matthews

im new and this is my first post here. i got through so much pain with my addiction and some times it helps knowing im not the only one. i dont have the answers or anything smart to say but i just want to say thanks for this.

[robojunkie]

For everyone who has ever had a big H habit and gone back and forth thru detox, n.a., and all that shit.
After you become sober and you realize all the pain you have caused your family, friends, girls, and everyone who cares about you, and prolly stole, scammed,most of these peoples money,things, and love, how do you begin to forgive yourself. i know im not the same person when im on an H run, hell not even recognizable as a human being, but now im sober and have to look at allt the wreckage and its just so fucking hard. lost my fiancee',job, studio full of musical equip,and some of my relationships with friends seem like they will never be the same.......i just dont know how to handle this. someimes i honestly think about hanging myself, but that would only hurt everyone more,so i just need some suggestions from anyone who has been down the road, cause seriously the visions of an extension cord swinging from the rafters are getting more frequent and vivid day by fucking day.......

Not that I was ever "sober" for any time in the twelve step sense I feel for you man. Did all the same shit, stealing from my family when I was young junky (not really much stealing, that was what I always felt worst about) but like you implied the real pain caused for family/girlfriend/wife/etc. is seeing that person they love changing, withdrawing (socially and personally I mean), getting sick, stealing, and on and on. For me I realized awile ago that the things I did and way I lived was the only it could have been for me with my history and personality. But since you said you were sober (don't know how long, this matters for next thing) I have found that my family is far more understanding and even shocked and amazed when I had a daughter, went to college (at 29) and grad school, kept jobs, etc.

Eventually if your family is understanding they will see that you can only do what you can do and can't change the past. And as you stay away from the scene longer, pick the axe back up, start a band, whatever friends and family will start to trust/respect you again. Sometimes with some people though its almost like however long you were in the scene is about as long as it takes out of the scene to win back peoples' trust/respect/etc. (Not that being a junkie deserves respect or disrespect, its just a way of life that is made difficult and dangerous for the average person by the police and gov). But when you get your, I don't know, "normal/straight" life together people do come back, though not all.

My parents used to say all the time they believed I'd be dead by 25, even changed the will and everything, but because of that everyday I manage keep shit reasonably under control they are just wicked happy that I'm doing something with my life/family. I mean I'm sure the family was hurt/angry/confused by the life but if you manage to come/go back to reasonably straight life (nothing wrong with the clinic if you're on detox #20, but people got their prejudices) they may feel like everyday you're around is some kind of miracle. That's how mine are and they were even when I was on the done for 8 years. If people love/care about someone and at least try to understand they can be a lot more forgiving if they see that you're trying. No one's perfect!

Biggest, most important thing though is that if you feel/felt (I know the OP is a little old but I see you're still around the site) guilty, depressed, ashamed, etc. you gotta gotta forgive yourself first and foremost. The things you did, would you have done them without the habit? Not an excuse, just an explaination for why a person isn't "bad" but has a huge need most don't understand. Starving people steal food/for food in really poor countries all the time, same idea and believe me if I hadn't eaten in three or four days and all I had was a ten, I wouldn't be eating for four of five days. You gotta love yourself (not in a narcissistic way) for all your faults and talents...as long as you try to do what YOU think you need to do to better you're life and relationships. Mine aren't perfect but they're exponentially better than when I went on the clinic, which I recently came off of finally. Anyhow take care of yourself.

Sorry bout the long post, seems like the later it gets the more I just ramble...