is anybody out there?

[antigonemuse]

I have come to the conclusion that there IS a difference within the worlds of addicts...not just chipping, and lifers... I guess I am stunned that there are not users, in times of soberity, who dont think of their DOC 24 / 7. That some can actully go on an function without a craving, and a morbid obsession with a fix...

I have been off dope for about 4 weeks... and i have to focus on staying off... and my man, well... he has the attitude - - been there done that, why do i need to do more... WTF


and he dont get it... even before i used drugs, i wanted to use.... When i played house as a kid, i had fake joints and coke... imagine moms suprise when she found twisted peices of paper mixed in with my barbies and easy bake oven dishes.... HA - "i learned it by watching you" - that was a favorite commerical in our house

sorry, venting...

gurr, i think im having one of those bad wd daze...

but can anyone relate... or am i the lucky one who was bagging coke for sale at 5 years old... ahhhh memories

[slugbone]

i think just about every happy memory i have since being a teenager is linked to booze or drugs. when i am happy i want to get high, when i'm sad or stressed getting high or even the thought of it makes me feel better. this i will probably feel forever.

[shaunclo]

i think just about every happy memory i have since being a teenager is linked to booze or drugs. when i am happy i want to get high, when i'm sad or stressed getting high or even the thought of it makes me feel better. this i will probably feel forever.

Oh hell fuckin yeah!!! Actually I was just gonna start a new thread regarding this topic (thank you Antigonemuse) so I will just place it right here.

I just got off a long-long bender and have finally switched back to my subs this last Saturday, the switch actually wasnt as bad as I remembered it to be, but goddamn if I dont feel like I have lost a piece of me. I plan on staying off the tar for a long long time cause I just cant use and keep control.

I just almost literally dumped my whole saving out during this last s-t-r-e-c-h (which was suppose to only be a binge) well it started out as a binge and ended as a run. I mean WTF?? Cant we just use in moderation, and when we are not using why does it have to haunt us EVERY FUCKIN SECOND??

This I ponder almost every waking moment, and even in my fuckin dreams. If I had 1 wish, it would be to never be plagued by this addiction adain.........fat chance!!!

[candyshop]

yes yes yes-to me the physical misery of wd is the very least of my suffering-it is the CONSTANT all powerful ,all encompassing deepdeepdeep-need and want for the beast that is impossible to escape fron-long after the sickness is gone that absolute and overriding desire is there -ALWAYS- i have found not the slightest relief from this and it (so far) has always led me back-i just do not feel like there is any way out -it eats me alive and NEVER seems to let up

[antigonemuse]

yes yes yes-to me the physical misery of wd is the very least of my suffering-it is the CONSTANT all powerful ,all encompassing deepdeepdeep-need and want for the beast that is impossible to escape fron-long after the sickness is gone that absolute and overriding desire is there -ALWAYS- i have found not the slightest relief from this and it (so far) has always led me back-i just do not feel like there is any way out -it eats me alive and NEVER seems to let up

said like a poet... i dont think i can remember any part of my life without drugs... so it just not normal to be without... thats my excuse and i am sticking to it.... I told my boyfried i was genitically predisposed... is that a valid excuse?

i need to get off the wagon

[ZodiacKiller]

Well, at least I'm not alone after reading these posts...

Coming off another 5-day run right now---back on Sub. Fucking hate it. Yeah, sure, I've got no physical WD thanks to Sub, but it doesn't do shit to fill that yearning, aching, empty hole I feel inside...

Yeah, Anti----we're out here...****sigh****



ZK

[antigonemuse]

i dont feel like i can leave my house sober....

on one hand im proud to be clear... but it leaves me tap dancing with my sanity

[ZodiacKiller]

Hey, you have some great articulated thoughts....I am totally with you on being genetically pre-disposed to do drugs---I think there is probably more truth to this than you realize.

And "tap dancing with my sanity"---fucking great, can I use that some time? j/k, but it's a fantatic quote!

For me, it's a continous murmur under my conciousness, not even articulated in words, but if it were, it would say "score, score, score" or even "need, need, need" over and over--it's always there, and only shuts up when I feed it dope.


ZK

[antigonemuse]

i have the scene from Clockwork Orange in my head... when he (Alex, see my avator) is beating the old man with his cane, while cutting open his wifes clothing--- preparing for the "ol' in out"

"singing in the rain" SLAM
Singing in the rain - BAM


that my friend is tap dancing with sanity

use it when ever you like

God im a sick bitch

[Babydollangel]

For me, being taken away from a mother who was a hard core junkie since the time i was born, I tend to think now has something to do with me wondering/pondering/obsessing/ and thoughts of wanting to 'cross the bridge to harder DOC' ..OMG YES i really do think genetics has to play a part in this...

The mother/father that raised me since I was taken from bio mom had me in church every time the doors were open and I was taught to be a 'good lil girl' which most my life I was.

But now at my age Im wondering what all I was missing out on as a kid...all the partying, all the fun and well you know, all the rest :rolleyes:

Oh YES thoughts of feeling high 24/7 and missing that is enough to send me into whinning and tears and to be around those that have no understanding sux...its like you said 'been there done that whyd ya want to go back' ....welll cuz the memories and feelings are just too good and sometimes w/o DOC I just want to lay in bed and stare at the walls.....like life has no meaning or excitement.

At times I am proud of myeslf for being able to taper then feel guilty when falling back agaiin and then sometimes I think ....everyone has their flaws...i dont smoke, drink or do anything else..what harm is it doing anyone else...ahhhh then theres the supply/demand thing ! sighhhh !

Hell no your not alone ! I think we all here are programed to feel this way here.

[ZodiacKiller]

i have the scene from Clockwork Orange in my head... when he (Alex, see my avator) is beating the old man with his cane, while cutting open his wifes clothing--- preparing for the "ol' in out"

"singing in the rain" SLAM
Singing in the rain - BAM


that my friend is tap dancing with sanity

use it when ever you like

God im a sick bitch

I have a poster with almost that very scene--Alex and his Droogs walking into the tunnel, Alex holding said cane over his shoulders. God, I fucking love that movie!!

Ok, sorry to interrupt, as you were...


ZK

[shaunclo]

"A Clockwork Orange" is what made me completely fall in love with Ludwig Van Beethoven and the whole classical piano. Since seeing that movie (I think 30 times now) afetr the second time I went out and bought the 9th symphony. Now I am a classical pianist buff, I love all the old shit, Chopin, Brahms, Beethoven, not much Mozart though, why, I dont know.

But getting high listening to Chopins, Polonaise - it is a mind trip all of its own.

[antigonemuse]

check out Albonini (spellin) his adagio - and vivaldi (the four seasons)


bliss - pure opiated bliss

[antigonemuse]

oh and i would suggest reading the book, clockwork orange... the orignal uk version... with the fucked up ending... (us americans like happy ending)

burgess, anthony i beleaVE

[ZodiacKiller]

oh and i would suggest reading the book, clockwork orange... the orignal uk version... with the fucked up ending... (us americans like happy ending)

burgess, anthony i beleaVE

Ah, the missing chapter! Yes, I have the UK version, and it's got this cool glossary in the back with definitions of all the words, too...Anthony Burgess is correct....

And thanks for the cool classical tips...and, yeah, "Clockwork..." definitely got me more into the 'ol Ludwig Van...

I do a "Clockwork" viewing at least once, if not twice, a year. I've got it on DVD, and it's got Dolby 5.1 and all that, but I'm waiting for Criterion or someone to release the 'ultimate' version. There's gotta be a lot of old 'behind-the-scenes' footage laying around and whatnot.

Malcom McDowell (Alex) has had an interesting career, not afraid to take controversial roles. Have you seen 'Caligula'? Holy fuck.....Lately I've seen him surface on HBO's 'Entourage' as Ari's former boss. Great actor, but "Clockwork..." is unsurpassed as his penultimate role, IMO.


ZK

[antigonemuse]

i love that glossary.... i spent highscool confusing my peers with terms learned from there.... my halloween atire, was then and still remains false eye lashes on one eye... it amazing how few people get the reference...

[antigonemuse]

I have a poster with almost that very scene--Alex and his Droogs walking into the tunnel, Alex holding said cane over his shoulders. God, I fucking love that movie!!

Ok, sorry to interrupt, as you were...


ZK

can you spare some cotter?

[PRIZEFIGHTERINFERNO]

gotta love Clockwork. Loved it since the first time i saw...man i think it was around ten years ago. Damn crazy how fast time goes bye..

[shaunclo]

http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:v0ie_LrlbFT0BM:nhindymedia.org/usermedia/image/3/clockwork-orange-5.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://nhindymedia.org/usermedia/image/3/clockwork-orange-5.jpg&imgrefurl=http://nhindymedia.org/newswire/display/2691/index.php&h=200&w=325&sz=18&hl=en&start=2&tbnid=v0ie_LrlbFT0BM:&tbnh=73&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Da%2Bclockwork%2Borange%26svnum%3D10%2 6hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DX)http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:iqqsIazFC-OCrM:www.rupyb.com/images/articles/clockwork/darth_big.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.rupyb.com/images/articles/clockwork/darth_big.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.rupyb.com/at/movies/clockwork_orange/&h=327&w=500&sz=41&hl=en&start=3&tbnid=iqqsIazFC-OCrM:&tbnh=85&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Da%2Bclockwork%2Borange%26svnum%3D10%2 6hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DX)http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:PICp2FdfUoWTgM:www.scifilm.org/museimages/clockworkorange.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.scifilm.org/museimages/clockworkorange.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.scifilm.org/musings2/musing801.html&h=204&w=324&sz=24&hl=en&start=5&tbnid=PICp2FdfUoWTgM:&tbnh=74&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Da%2Bclockwork%2Borange%26svnum%3D10%2 6hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DX)http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:YmblvA3rhwAOMM:www.thefoolsparadise.c om/clockwork-orange/9.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.thefoolsparadise.com/clockwork-orange/9.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.thefoolsparadise.com/clockwork-orange/&h=423&w=710&sz=67&hl=en&start=15&tbnid=YmblvA3rhwAOMM:&tbnh=83&tbnw=140&prev=/images%3Fq%3Da%2Bclockwork%2Borange%26svnum%3D10%2 6hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DX)http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:fPIrQD7Bi4Hh8M:www.bfi.org.uk/features/ultimatefilm/chart/images/185/54_clockwork_orange.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.bfi.org.uk/features/ultimatefilm/chart/images/185/54_clockwork_orange.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.bfi.org.uk/features/ultimatefilm/chart/details.php%3Franking%3D54&h=185&w=185&sz=4&hl=en&start=14&tbnid=fPIrQD7Bi4Hh8M:&tbnh=102&tbnw=102&prev=/images%3Fq%3Da%2Bclockwork%2Borange%26svnum%3D10%2 6hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DX)http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:4DHaffQB5Jkp1M:www.theretropostershop .com/Images/1024x768ScreenSavers/clockworkorangeSS.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.theretropostershop.com/Images/1024x768ScreenSavers/clockworkorangeSS.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.theretropostershop.com/RetroPosterShop/AClockworkOrange.htm&h=768&w=1204&sz=175&hl=en&start=16&tbnid=4DHaffQB5Jkp1M:&tbnh=96&tbnw=150&prev=/images%3Fq%3Da%2Bclockwork%2Borange%26svnum%3D10%2 6hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DX)http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:eR5Afooyq4Ab0M:www.thefoolsparadise.c om/clockwork-orange/2.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.thefoolsparadise.com/clockwork-orange/2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.thefoolsparadise.com/clockwork-orange/&h=423&w=710&sz=63&hl=en&start=18&tbnid=eR5Afooyq4Ab0M:&tbnh=83&tbnw=140&prev=/images%3Fq%3Da%2Bclockwork%2Borange%26svnum%3D10%2 6hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DX)

[ZodiacKiller]

Wellie, wellie, well, hi, hi, hi there!

A little taste of the Moloko Velocet preceding a fun night of the 'ol ultra-violence?


Thanks for the pics, o' Shaun me droog....


ZK

[CUBErt]

Sorry to take it off topic by bringin' it back on topic :p

But I definitely have been getting some similar feelings lately. Since I started drugs in 10th grade, and my usage picked up, sobriety has become more and more rare. However, I am about to start college which is a time that many kids begin this kind of experimentation, but also when people start thinking about "growing up." Now I know many of the people on this site are adults, but I don't think I am going to be a drug user for the rest of my life... and quite frankly that scares me. I never really learned how to enjoy myself like most of my fellow teenages throughout high school. Sure they smoked weed and drank on occasion, but opiates etc. were quite taboo. Basically what I am saying is that I can't picture a life without opiates. The closest I feel to "normal" is on Suboxone. I wish I could feel every day the way I do after one of those babies dissolves under my tongue. When I go 100% clean, everything feels so lonely and pointless. Is this kinda how you all are feeling?

[Coddfish]

Malcom McDowell (Alex) has had an interesting career, not afraid to take controversial roles. Have you seen 'Caligula'? Holy fuck.....Lately I've seen him surface on HBO's 'Entourage' as Ari's former boss. Great actor, but "Clockwork..." is unsurpassed as his penultimate role, IMO.


ZKYa know, I was just talking to someone about this the other day. A Clockwork, Caligula, he was a crazy guy in a start trek movie, had a few other weird things and then (or maybe before) ...........he costarred in a short-lived network sitcom with Rhea Pearlman!! WTF?? maybe he needed the scratch.

Anyone know how old he was in a clockwork? Couldn't ha been more than 20, which is even more amazing to me.

videe well, my little brother, videe well.

[HistoryofMadness]

Now I know many of the people on this site are adults, but I don't think I am going to be a drug user for the rest of my life...

HAhahaahhaahaha wow sorry, if I had a dime for every time I heard or said this, we'd all be fucking high right now on me! No offense cubert, just making an observation.

I'd say first define your definition of 'drug user' because our finely-tuned government has established the new Iron Triangle, specifically the Insurance - Pharmaceutical - Medical mafia. Good luck ever being 'normal' enough to avoid being chemically conformitized in some way!

J/k sort of, I do hope we all get what we really want in life.

[ZodiacKiller]

Ya know, I was just talking to someone about this the other day. A Clockwork, Caligula, he was a crazy guy in a start trek movie, had a few other weird things and then (or maybe before) ...........he costarred in a short-lived network sitcom with Rhea Pearlman!! WTF?? maybe he needed the scratch.

Anyone know how old he was in a clockwork? Couldn't ha been more than 20, which is even more amazing to me.

videe well, my little brother, videe well.

I think he was, in fact, just 21, when 'Clockwork...' was released. I don't remember the series with Rhea Perlman, but that is one odd pairing for sure. I do, however, vaguely remember some sort of 'time-travel' movie, but its name escapes me...

Funny thing about "Caligula" is that the movie was supposedly already in production when the principal actors were told about the pornographic aspects of the film, and they, especially Malcolm McDowell, were less than pleased. And the porn scenes were gratuitous, simply because Bob Guccione (of Penthouse magazine fame, which produced it) had full control over the film, and his hedonistic attitude towards everything demanded that the movie be as shocking as possible. I mean, the movie got an X rating and is still basically only available via porn outlets. The porn is definitely not necessary to highlight the violent, pagan, and sexual social values of that Roman era. I usually fast forward over the more blatant scenes, because once you've seen the same porn scene a number of times, what's the friggin' point? But I think that it's an absolutely amazing turn of acting that McDowell delivers, second only to "Clockwork...'. If you like "A Clockwork Orange", you simply must see "Caligula"---you won't be disappointed. Too bad because of its 'X' rating that the film is doomed to underground 'cult' status forever...

ZK

[blackdog]

I have a poster with almost that very scene--Alex and his Droogs walking into the tunnel, Alex holding said cane over his shoulders. God, I fucking love that movie!!

Ok, sorry to interrupt, as you were...


ZK
me 2, and the sound track,holy crap,gotta love it!!:rolleyes: :rolleyes: dawgg

[ZodiacKiller]

me 2, and the sound track,holy crap,gotta love it!!:rolleyes: :rolleyes: dawgg

Fuck yes, and I actually have it on VINYL....god I miss the days of RECORDS!!!


ZK

[CUBErt]

HAhahaahhaahaha wow sorry, if I had a dime for every time I heard or said this, we'd all be fucking high right now on me! No offense cubert, just making an observation.

You might be right... hell I'd go so far as to say you are probably right, but I just don't wanna think about that right now. As for your comment about pharmeceuticals, perhaps I should have adjusted my statement to say I won't be a heroin user in the future, but even that is not certain. I do see it being quite a bit more likely that I will jump on the Pharm bandwagon once I become a decrepit old man who was too doped up to ever notice his back problems in their developmental stages. I wouldn't mind getting my fix from the doctor, in most cases he's probably far more reliable than a dope dealer too high off his own supply.