fell off the wagon

[voodoobudah]

I was at the bank friday and ran into old drug buddy and he hooked me up. Against my better judement I was loaded for 2-3 days .I had been clean (nothing, not even aspirin)Any way my 100 day run ended with a big thud but I resumed my sobriety on monday and then felt so fricken bad mentally,felt fine physically,that it worries me there were no physicall ramifications for my fall from grace.My unexplained energy and unbearable itching got my wife's ire up and I explained it away as getting leaves on me while cutting grass(she ain't buying) My love for opiates has its roots in the pure energy it gives me ... Back to 1 day at a time....

[Sykotherapudik Lee]

My own personal anti AA/NA advice is to quit beating yourself up over it. Quit counting that clean time and get on with your life. So what if you used? See how the 12-step program has brainwashed you into feeling like a failure because you gave into your nature? If you're going to count days, count the days that you've felt good about who you are, rather than who you aren't.

Just some friendly junkie advice.

(otherwise, glad you made it back. 'Hope that that grass-mowing grass goes away...)

[voodoobudah]

Never been a 12 steper in no way shape or form,don't subscribe to any higher power,I am the captain of my ship,I'm just pissing and moaning cause I was kinda,sorta proud,but ,hell,not really,any way that grass needs cut again already...

[poonwhalla]

the grass is like hair or nails just like your mind!!! Needs to be maintained.:jumping-s

[red26]

say what poon?Nails? Hair? HuH?I would be grateful for not having any ramifications or your relapse voodoo.Things happen .Cant change the past but you can change the future and continue on as you want to be.Evolving in your own way.Dont be hard on yourself man.Its just not worth it.

[COLONELWAYNE]

I'm with "red 26" on this one. I've fallen on and off that wagon so much till now I just hang my feet over the side and dangle.that way I don't have to hit so hard the next time I fall off! I guess the main thing here is we're trying to accomplish something we feel would better our lives and as long as we stay focused on that goal,it does'nt really matter how many times we fall-off as long as we keep getting back on.You've never failed at an attempt until you stop trying and give up! Stay the course you feel content with.No-one has walked in your shoes,but alot of us have tried on a pair or two lik'em.Good Luck!

[candy]

I think it is great you made it 100 days. It seems to happen much too often that we beat ourselves up when we fall back to using. As has been said, keep moving day by day and feel good that this little relapse didn't bring about any negative consequences.
Anyone who has been addicted has heard the recovery language. I would say most of us have been exposed to some type of "recovery program."
We can use the so called 12-steps in our lives to acheive anything and most of us have done them without realizing that we were even doing the steps at all.
I try not to count the days I have been clean and although I could tell you in months or years, I try to focus on personal accomplishments instead of failures.
Be well!

[chucky]

On again , off again , that is the story of most opiate users. Dont let it depress you be happy when you are clean and if your not be happy to, for it is only when you are in the throws of withdrawl that you hate life or maybe not maybe you hate life all the time , either way try to find something that makes you happy.

[Wildman]

I agree with the majority of folks on this one - don't beat yourself
over this!!! If you are trying to stay clean, then even a minor relapse
isn't a huge deal. It sounds like your wife is there to keep you
on the straight and narrow (kinda like my situation - my wife knows
what's up and if I am buzzed). Her influence should help you reach
your goals as being buzzed has seriously negative externalities....

You only did it because - 1 - you like it, 2 - you figured that you'd
have to be cool with it as your wife would figure things out.

Turns out that you were wrong on #2, but hey, that will provide
additional reinforcement to not do it again (like that) cuz you aren't
as good at hiding it as you thought you were.

Hey, we all like it. Many of us are not fortunate to have a
significant other who doesn't partake and can provide a more
"objective/detached" perspective.....

Go re-read the "hedonistic imperative" on opioids.com. I always
like reading it as I do find that (for me) recreational chems are
part of a "life well lived". My wife may not share that perspective
but I am entitled to my beliefs, and as long as I remain gainfully
employed, support my family, stay on my psych meds, and am
a good father to my kids - who's business is it if I catch the occasional
buzz? Geez, we only have to answer to ourselves (and our maker
if you believe in that). Other folks can make suggestions on how
to live, but they don't run the show.

[duke_nemmerle]

I agree with the majority of folks on this one - don't beat yourself
over this!!! If you are trying to stay clean, then even a minor relapse
isn't a huge deal. It sounds like your wife is there to keep you
on the straight and narrow (kinda like my situation - my wife knows
what's up and if I am buzzed). Her influence should help you reach
your goals as being buzzed has seriously negative externalities....

You only did it because - 1 - you like it, 2 - you figured that you'd
have to be cool with it as your wife would figure things out.

Turns out that you were wrong on #2, but hey, that will provide
additional reinforcement to not do it again (like that) cuz you aren't
as good at hiding it as you thought you were.

Hey, we all like it. Many of us are not fortunate to have a
significant other who doesn't partake and can provide a more
"objective/detached" perspective.....

Go re-read the "hedonistic imperative" on opioids.com. I always
like reading it as I do find that (for me) recreational chems are
part of a "life well lived". My wife may not share that perspective
but I am entitled to my beliefs, and as long as I remain gainfully
employed, support my family, stay on my psych meds, and am
a good father to my kids - who's business is it if I catch the occasional
buzz? Geez, we only have to answer to ourselves (and our maker
if you believe in that). Other folks can make suggestions on how
to live, but they don't run the show.

I've tried my own "controlled relapse therapy" before and I was able to chip for a while before falling completely off. I agree though, the last thing a man needs to do is beat himself up over lapsing. Once you've lapsed there's nothing you can do about it, look forward not backward!

[msdope]

I'm only new here, but definately say don't beat yourself up. 100 days is a dang good amount of time. I actually don't count either. I know the month I stopped using, and the date because I got out of a detox then.

See though how your wife sort of caught on? I know everyone, and their brother would be on to me if I picked up. I'm right now the longest I have ever been clean in seven years. Like a year and a half.

I never did the meetings either. The whole fact they are NOT anonymous turns me off. Then I'm labeled as a "recovering" this or that. I'm just me, and I walk. I walk miles when I have a craving or a headache, and keep walking. For me that works. Listening to war stories only gets me nuts, and I want to go back and use. Although good for people the meetings and steps work for. Whatever works.

Hey, I'm not the captain of my yacht, but I'm on the boat. Haha. Some thug lyric that is. Hang tough there pal. Just don't do it. Stay out of the bank too. Kidding.

[mmnyc9]

I know 100 days of clean time versus 2-3 days of using is nothing to frown upon, I dont understand why they knock it so much. First any clean time is good time when the quality of your life changes for the better its that much easier to get back to more clean time. If you had 100 days of using and 3 days
of clean where would you be. Its hard to get clean and even harder to stay clean for any length of time
add it all up over 5 years Ill take those numbers any day.

[HeidiW]

If that's your thing, go with. I'm not about to knock anyone who makes a concious decision to stay clean or to get high. To each HIS OWN.

[opiobsessed]

Don't feel bad, I just relapsed last week and got 120 vicodin again with 2 refills available. I dont feel that bad about doing it, I've relapsed before many times and accept that I will always be dealing with an opiate addiction. I just finished the last of my pills tonite and feel ok right now as I'm typing this getting ready for bed. However I know that tomorrow morning as I'm sleeping I will start going into wd hell. As noon nears and I start getting up, I will be feeling pretty bad. Wish me luck everyone as I try to wait it out before going back on my subs to get rid of the wd's. I've been taking 30 vicodin a day and when I finished tonite I ended up taking 36 pills today. Nothing to brag about but just thought I'd share it so everyone doesn't feel so bad when they relapse, I have a high tolerance now and wish I didn't. I've gone back on my subs 12 to 18 hours after my last vicodins before so I hope I will still be ok tomorrow when I switch back to my normal sub routine. Who I am living with doesn't seem to know I"ve relapsed but I wonder if they can see it in my face? anyone here think who I am with can tell I"m taking vicodin again? they seem a little suspicious of me lately but haven't said anything, I kind of slipped up tonite at supper though, because my subs are given to me since I've abused them too in the past and when my loved one asked me if I was ready to take my sub, I said no I'll wait till we get home(we were at family members house for dinner). They said are you sure? its time for your next dose? I said yea thats right I wasn't thinking, it was scary though because we had just started out on the road on the way home and I was up a creek without a paddle because I would be unable to hide my pill to save it for later when I run out of vicodin and I was sure not going to put that under my tongue while under a full agonist, whew was I lucky that we pulled into a gas station right away to get gas. I said ok I'll take it now, luckily I was able to distract who was with me and hide my sub as I was letting them get their card out for gas. It was a scary close call, but I managed that time. Sorry for my long story but this has been a wild week for me and scary at the end, I'm sure everyone else here has had close scary calls while in relapse around family members.

[ontario_opiophile]

Everyone falls off the wagon at some point. I've had family members yell at me and scream at me over it but it never changes who I am. In the past I was a drug seeker and I still am or I wouldnt be on this site. I seek knowledge and i'm definitely obsessed with opiates in general. There just something about hearing about other peoples experiences on drugs that makes me feel good. I guess I like hearing that other people feel what I feel and do what I do. My whole life revolves around opiates. I think about them every second, every single moment. Even though I have a constant supply and it is fairly satisfying I still feel the need to obsess about them. Opiates sure have a hold on me and everyone else. When I was younger I would get caught with drugs and my mother would freak out and tell me how dissapointed she was in me and that she wasnt a good mother because she raised a drug addict and this and that but thats subsided now, the people around me just accept it and know that i'm better off with opiates than without. To anyone who relapses, dont feel bad it's not worth it. You can stop at any time again. NA makes you feel like worthless trash and like theres something wrong with you when your on drugs it always pissed me off. I dont see the difference between someone needing 3-4 good shots of heroin a day and someone drinking 3-4 cups of coffee at the office. People who call users worthless are just hippocrites. Every single human being uses something as a drug. People use caffeine, people use nicotine, people use and can be addicted to food, sex, hurting themselves, throwing up, starving, sleeping. Everyone has something they are dependant on. Opiates are different than coffee, overeating, and smoking only because it's better for you. (assuming you use orally or use pharmaceutical grade injectable drugs) Oh well this is just turning into a rant. I know i'll never be ashamed of relapsing if I ever decide to quit. I'll never hide it from my wife or family either. I am who I am.

[msdope]

Whew. Obsessed saying you'd wait on your sub is a dead give away that you're using again. I did it once, and BOOM people knew I was using again. You learn that, and never, ever say no again. If your loved one is divvying your sub they'll definitely be checking you out. I remember tearing labels off the pharmacy bottles, and hiding pill everywhere, and anywhere. Same with dope. I'd save all my bags though until I got X amount, and then would scrape them all. Bad move. Some newsy person WILL be rooting, and ready to catch you in the act.

Hope you are fairing alright right now. Hope you don't feel too bad. Hang in there.

OO, Didn't you know that sex, food, gambling addiction is so different from our opiate addiction? That's what I get when someone gets smart with me. I say "Look you fatso you just ate a whole pizza. Just say NO." Then they'll say "Oh yeah? My addiction doesn't cause me to beg, steal, and hurt my loved ones". Pfffffff. If food wasn't delivered or around for a few days them food addicts would be robbing their own mother. Everybody got's an addiction of some kind.

[Wildman]

I was going to say ALMOST everyone has an addiction of some time,
and then I remembered a certain type of person that I know who is
addicted to CONTROL (if not actually having control, then thinking that
they do).

CONTROL addicts are some of the worst out there. At least substance
addicts have some external, physical THING that can be examined and
measured.

CONTROL addicts don't get any objective measurement which makes
them much harder to deal with, in my never to be humble opinion.

Thank GOD my issues are with physical things and not intellectual constructs.

[msdope]

That's a great point Wildman. Then if those control addicts can't fix our opiate use they flip out.

I wonder how many control freaks there are in this world? I know a few of them, and they promptly told me to be quiet, and get off that crap for the mere fact they wanted me to. I controlled that.