Fake Wizz... And Full Frontal Nudity.

[Chemical_Boy]

Just curious.... What are your experiences with the synthetic urine products that can be purchased from head shops?

This would be for a pre-employment screening, not a probation, or other monitored, screening...

I had one experience that ended with disaster. Had to take a surprise test for work. So I stopped off at the local headshop on the way to the testing center. Had only a 1/2 hour to get there or automatically fail, so I had the chick behind the counter microwave it.

Well, she way overdid it and the fake wizz was way too hot and registered as such on the temp strip on the UA cup. Actually it was off the charts, so it had no reading. So then they called in a doctor who was the same sex as I was and I had to drop my trousers and underpants to my ankles and hold my shirt up to my armpits like a little kid while the doc watched me wizz. Needless to say, the test came back hot.

Not to mention that it was kind of awkward standing there naked with some dude eyeballing my schlong and making comments about the bottle that I had electrical taped to my thigh....



I guess my biggest worry is that the hand warmer that comes with the wizz will either not be hot enough or will be too hot and ring some more alarm bells. Has the temperature ever been an issue for those who have tried this method? And if so, were you able to conquer the issue, or did it conquer you?

Thanks!!

[underide]

ha ha ...ha ha haha blehh...

yep it 's true,

"oh, it's true, it's true"

i made suc an ass of myself over the past wekend......offa my face like i've never seen ANYONE EVER be

[underide]

oh, i shoulkd mention - it was probably one of the most fucked up yet at the same time in a weird kinda way- sorta- kinda - liberating expirience overall

so screw ya!! =p :)

[doctor diesel]

Just curious.... What are your experiences with the synthetic urine products that can be purchased from head shops?
This would be for a pre-employment screening, not a probation, or other monitored, screening...
I had one experience that ended with disaster. Had to take a surprise test for work. So I stopped off at the local headshop on the way to the testing center. Had only a 1/2 hour to get there or automatically fail, so I had the chick behind the counter microwave it.
Well, she way overdid it and the fake wizz was way too hot and registered as such on the temp strip on the UA cup. Actually it was off the charts, so it had no reading. So then they called in a doctor who was the same sex as I was and I had to drop my trousers and underpants to my ankles and hold my shirt up to my armpits like a little kid while the doc watched me wizz. Needless to say, the test came back hot.
Not to mention that it was kind of awkward standing there naked with some dude eyeballing my schlong and making comments about the bottle that I had electrical taped to my thigh....
I guess my biggest worry is that the hand warmer that comes with the wizz will either not be hot enough or will be too hot and ring some more alarm bells. Has the temperature ever been an issue for those who have tried this method? And if so, were you able to conquer the issue, or did it conquer you?


So we can assume that Chem and his Schlong did not get the job/were sacked (delete as appropriate) as a result of this farce? Ja?

Doc

[Billy the kid]

Have a thermometer handy. Like the ones you stick under your tongue for temp. It will be fine if it's between 95 - 100 degrees F.

[underide]

Have a thermometer handy. Like the ones you stick under your tongue for temp. It will be fine if it's between 95 - 100 degrees F.

could be much MUCH colder Bro...soner than you think too...anything could happen reaLLY ;)

[Metrik]

one word CERTO i posted my guarantee pass method on another thread yesterday just to la-z to find it yet still to early in the morn.

[Tautou]

Here ya go Metrik:


I have a full proof way to beat the lil test at home strip type pee tests! without drinking mass amounts of water.

U need to go to ur local super market, go to the canning section and find the blue box of certo fruit pectan gel. Also while at the store buy 2 of the big widemouth lemon lime gatorades ( a gallon of lemonade will also work, pretty much any yellow tinted liquid) and a rock star energy drink.

About an hour b4 the test (the actual time u pee) Mix one packet of certo into one of the gatorades and drink, pee once. then about half an hour ( i used to wait till about a mile away from the prebation dep.) drink the other gatorade certo mix. pee for the second time. drink the rockstar (not needed but sometimes my pee would be clear and they would make me come back for a re-test, rockstar makes urine bright yellow). try to go pee one more time (now cutting it kinda close to test time i have skipped this last pee and still passed test but it was the way i was showed to do it so i try to do it ne ways).

And ur good to go as long as they are using the shitty lil dipstick type drug test ur golden.

I once used this method when i was really close to the clean not clean line and they sent the ua to a lab, i passed the test but i dont know if its cause i was really clean or the certo and i wouldnt risk using it if u know they will send it to a lab.


I must say, please dont take this personally, but I am skeptical. How many times did you try this? How did you first figure this out?

[doctor diesel]

So come on then Chem, what did the doctor dude think of your schlong?
Big... little.... handsome... ugly? What?


Doc

[Chemical_Boy]

oh, i shoulkd mention - it was probably one of the most fucked up yet at the same time in a weird kinda way- sorta- kinda - liberating expirience overall

so screw ya!! =p :)

Come on and tell details....

Did I miss something? You said you made an ass of yourself and had a crazy, liberating experience and then leave us hangin'? Not here friend! Gotta elaborate and tell what went down. Maybe a little background, the story, results..... y'know?

You got me all curious now.:rolleyes:


So we can assume that Chem and his Schlong did not get the job/were sacked (delete as appropriate) as a result of this farce? Ja?

Doc Actually, came back positive for morphine. I had been on dope at the time. But due to an old (over a year, so they really shouldn't have accepted it) script that I had for Kadian, they passed me. When they called I tried to use the codeine cough syrup that I had recently had, thinking that all the true opiates came up essentially the same in a GC/MS test. But this is not the case, as old chem_boy learned in an awkward moment on the phone as the lab person said, "no... that wouldn't do it."

C_B replied, "Oh.... I did actually take an old kadian that I had saved the other day. I stopped taking them a while back but fopund they work well for migraines when they come on hard..."

Tech said, "Yeah, that would do it. Can you fax over the documentation?"

C_B nearly dies of relief as he said, "Sure. What is your fax number?"

But that job did end as an overall result of the incident that brought on the drug test.


Have a thermometer handy. Like the ones you stick under your tongue for temp. It will be fine if it's between 95 - 100 degrees F.

Sure.... I perfected the art of having a bottle of wizz ready at 103` when going in to methadone clinic, since it would cool to approx 98` by the time you were gonna drop a sample if that was your day. There was never a line there so you were guarenteed a quick in and out and your drug test on such days would happen mere minutes from the time you entered the clinic.

The problem with pre-employment screening is that sometimes you have to wait a half hour or more before you can drop your sample. If you get all the way into the room and your pee is too cold or way too hot, you are screwed. You can't really stick your head out the door and say, "I am sorry.... I need to fetch a new bottle of piss cuz the temp is off on this one...." ;)

So it is not a matter of knowing that your sample is the right temp, it is a question of whether or not the little hand warmer pad is a reliable way of keeping your sample at the proper temperature until you get into the sample drop room.

But the digi thermometer is definitely a top notch tool in the arsenal of UA deceptoin.


Here ya go Metrik:




I must say, please dont take this personally, but I am skeptical. How many times did you try this? How did you first figure this out?

I am curious too. Also, what is the purpose/effect of the pectin or whatever it was you are picking up from the store?

Also, it is the B-vitamins in the energy drink that make your pee colored. If you want even more colorful pee that stays yellow for a couple of urinations, try eating a couple of B complex vitamin suppliments. I think you will like the results.


So come on then Chem, what did the doctor dude think of your schlong?
Big... little.... handsome... ugly? What?


Doc

I am not sure what he thought. What does giddy giggling indicate?

[blackdog]

After da/dawgs last rectal digital exam of da/prostate,
Da/dawg turned around and looked oh so innocent when asking the doctor if after this last exam it might mean that we are possibly engaged in a oh so kind of mans way?

nevermind dont ask me. Just a thought!

By the way the doctored just shrugged and said he'll see me in 6 months and not to forget to bring matches to light the mood candles next time.:p
Badumbump (cymbalcrash):rolleyes:

[Chemical_Boy]

After da/dawgs last rectal digital exam of da/prostate,
Da/dawg turned around and looked oh so innocent when asking the doctor if after this last exam it might mean that we are possibly engaged in a oh so kind of mans way?

nevermind dont ask me. Just a thought!

By the way the doctored just shrugged and said he'll see me in 6 months and not to forget to bring matches to light the mood candles next time.:p
Badumbump (cymbalcrash):rolleyes:


Ah shit man! I love it when you chime in with your dawg experiences. No one tells it quite like you do bro!

:D

[chopstix]

You can get cheap little stick-on thermometers at aquarium shops.

FWIW I gave a UA the other day and watched the tech check the temp with a little IR thermometer, the ones you just point a red beam at, the word escapes me, anyway the temp was 89.5, which I thought seemed low but the one before me read 90.0.

[underide]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chemical_Boy http://forum.opiophile.org/images/gnome/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?p=487497#post487497)
Come on and tell details....

Did I miss something? You said you made an ass of yourself and had a crazy, liberating experience and then leave us hangin'? Not here friend! Gotta elaborate and tell what went down. Maybe a little background, the story, results.....
You got me all curious now.

well, alright - but once the shit comes down - YOU asked for it, mate =P
(i'm also blind to webternet sarcasm you know, fecking smartases =))

Thursday night (last week) - second day on the woofy-huffty-puffty - that same ol' whizz that makes me zhizz to da skidzoida-shiz nizz....

Wednesday was the start of yet another marathon
think i already feel the contempt and absolute derision emanating from the whole board right here, but at the time i had TRULY -nothing left to lose, so FUCK!!
Obviously uppety-up till friday night still scratching those blistered scabs, still having a good time though (i think ...if i think :rolleyes:)

friday morning a rolls in, without me paying much notice....
My stepdad.. (yeh, maybe rightly so) keeps pacing around the gaff muttering louder by the minute- get that fucking rent-boy bum outta my face...just get him outta here

obviously - not gonna even attempt to try and brag of myself being a 'man' who could do this or that or the OTHER to that simpleton with only a black and white outlook on majority of things, but honest to god - i felt that staying would've ended in some bad buzz if not R.I.P for at least one of us, ofcourse most likely me that is, though you just never know - you'd be surprised :)
but enough bragging

so i decide to pack up a backpack and get the fuck outta there
so i do

Pawn my jaz(master) - thees a deal where you can pawn it for 5-6 weeks and buy it back at 25% interest, buy it back or the store owns it (no growing %'s which is good - also i sorta know the clerk, promised to look after it for me, so hopefully i will get it back)
All i got was a lousy 120 euro for my 6-stringer, and i have to buy it back within 6 weeks for same $$$ + the 25%, statutory...

but anyway
add to that another 80some quid and all i have is about 200odd euro plus a bita change

Keep huffing away at the same puffety-shit like some fuel guzzling machine
That whole day i spent walking around town, talking to strangers, popping in an outta @cafe to read all your'ses's'es fables :p =) .. (well, most of 'em)
an just to kill time

hardly noticing that i'm actually getting more out of touch with reality but still rather comfortable in my own tumbling tumbling tumblee bleh....

by the end of the day, i walked up to homeless-hostel, and this guy at the front greets, me, i tell him i need a place to stay..ge says to me - " are you genuine"? no idea what he meant and let him know that
"do yo REALLY, need a place to stay tonight"?
-yeah, i do...

Then while asking what my name he stretches out his hand to me , i introduce myself in-turn and right-away notice him clasp my hand with his other one, also feeling a crumpled up something-or-rather within his hold and already inside my hand, and as i wonder WTF??, but instantly guessing an easy guess with quite certainty what it might be-

there were a few quite drunken sailor-looking for a scrap type blokes standing around there, so-
he goes something along the liningsings - "listen - don't turn around- just put that thing in yer hand into your pocket and get away from here, and please, stay away from here...there's no key to a HILTON 5 *****, but enough for a decent-enough place to crash for the night, or maybe even two if you really go NO FRILLS on da deals but a safe
place is your priority, off you go..."
Wanted to refuse, but was honestly dumbstruck by his kindness, not caring if it was a fiver or a 100quid, just grateful..so i walked off
Gobsmacked just how fast it happened and how easy it was for him to react the way he did without a thought i could perceive other than doing what he did there, as if automatically...closest to true altruism i've ever come to i think

Saturday - nxt day:
by about 4 pm is where i REALLY started losing it

I actually had this guy i know from the clinic -minding me like a retarted child, who's rapidly and progressively deteriorating into total dementia...it was a sore sight to say the least..yeah - LOLS and ROFLS ALLL around, like you wouldn't believe - anywhere i went (all over town, no shit!)

scariest part, i could quite clearly understand and observe myself behave that way, but i could do fuck all about it
Obviously there's only so much that middle-age nice mad could handle, and he really is one of the few people who'd give you his last shirt..that outta tell you something about me and exacerbated by the state i was in...we parted ways, and somehow, i wtarted feeing a little calmer...('former performer', taking a rest perhaps =p)

so the rest of the day, still going at it, plus i decided to have a bit of a joint offered to me by some french folks, joint did smell/taste like weed, but was actually from a head shop, and it was very fucking weird, it had quite a distinctive maddening (not in a very strong weed kinda way, but in a more bizarre tech/chem kinda fucked up way) everyone's eyes were shining red, i didn't like the shit, but it was STRONG alright...another newbie product



so i kept bumming around till nightfall, where i met this rough-type looking guy , about my age
he had some nice(er) hash, which actually made me relax a bit, though i didn't even want any initially after that hybrid monstrosity weed

so we get on a tram, to go to his "cousin's house??" quite a dodgy scenario, and yeah i was paranoid, but i had a bad feeling, being a schitzo at heart i ended up saying i would go with him for a session to his cousins in the end


we got off for anoher joint plus my offer of tha tSHIZZ, which he was quite eager to partake in, though he was way more "together" and *grounded* than me, and like i said before - the stuff fucks you up BAD, yet you still realize everything rather sharp and clear, albeit under a slightly see-through with a veil of illusions/delusions/delirium and PARANOIA

so we take a seat beside a tram-line, some distance away, and was taking me ages to finally get the antique, and rather handy for the deeds of whizza box i had, to share with this guy i knew nothing about who was flashing a flick-knife around more agitated (seemed that way anyway) by the minute...brought me back into senses a little bit i must say,

out of nowhere - 2 HUGE., MEAN beats of coppers ('novel' material, but this is either the plaIN OL' truth or my inhibited imagination exhagerated the actual event, thou i doubt exhagerration was made by a wide margin...in fact, i can remember the cops quite clearly)
No talk - cuffs as tight as can be and spitting threats that if he so much a even touches a spike that i may have, he's gonna torture me right on the spot...i was rather convinced of that at the time too

finally they got us to the station, after telling us they were gonna bring us out for a "last ride UP da Sugar Loaf"
Sketchy atmosphere, especially in my state

what happened at he station was pretty weird, and i won't get into details.. nor do i feel obliged to do so...quite an experience though, and yea! (again you can take me for bragging - i've spent few 'sober-up'-type nights in the cells before -
This time wa just SO FUCKED UP in comparison though...beyond belief in more than one sense i guess

Yeah, they stripped me (made me strip that is, made me squat, all that..while stinking lik ea pig from 2 nights walking almost non-stop[ to my delight and in spite of them...
Got let out early morning, but at the time honestly did not expect to ever walk out of there, and somehow, even in that state managed to make peace with that very real-seeming (at the time) noting surprisingly quick, and felt quite at - PEACE =), right the second i came to accept it (happened to me before, while tripping pretty hard but not quite to the same extent even at rather large doses and unfortunate situations)
That isn't the 'liberating' exp. i was talking about..that came after following day
that day, first half of which was yet more walking, huffing and providing cheapest of laughs to the sobering up or getting drunker public around me - another day of walking and getting more fucked up...but - then something cool happened
I'll keep this to meself for now

And no matter what you think of me for crawling back to my folks , but that;s irrelevant to what i had in mind...
so take it or leave it
actually - just fucking LEAVE IT! :)
__________________
FORMER PERFORMER

"Lost my mind.. digging a hole
Bury my heart, bury my soul...
Inch by inch..limb from limb
Torn me apart, pushed me in
Six feet under in love..."

Would you fuck me for blow ??

"yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon"

[Metrik]

Yes certo works, i first learned of it from my older brother who said he used to use it trick his probation officer all the time when they would piss test him.

I was also very skeptical when he first told me about it and didnt trie it for many years. but eventually i also ended up on probation and had to take a piss test, at the time i was very short on money and couldnt afford to go to the head shop and buy some fake urine and the rig with the elastic band and tube, plus my usual way i just stated wont work when they stare at ur wang like they do for probation. so i wne with the certo method went to my probation app. and took the test and passed ( this was the time it was sent to a lab and yes i still passed).

I had to enroll ina drug diversion course as part of my deal i got when i got busted and they test u 5 random times throughout the course. i used certo every time and passed every time. I honestly didnt believe it would work myself until i used this method and it did!

what i think makes it work (or at least my what my bro said) is that the pectin lines ur digestive tract with a thin coat of pectin which blocks the gatorade from touching ne thing inside u so u basically pee straight gatorade. im pretty sure this is this case cause if u do use the lemon lime gatorade ur pee will actually smell like lemons.

[Restharrow]

Call me slow and confused, but do you eat the Pectin and if so how much? How long before the test?

I thought Underride was going to explain the process, but like I said, I am slow and confused about the Pectin.

Will