And now for something completely....

[alowishus]

(I want to start w/ I can't spell and this is gonna be one long stream of thought so fuck off:p )

I know at some point we've all thought about suicide, Friedrich Nietzsche, wrote to: and to paraphrase; it's the solace of the thought of suicide that help get one through the long and hard nights.
How many times have you tried, either to wake up the next day still alive and no one knows what you did or to find your self in a hospital bed, having to talk to Dr Hatala, not you're not insane and was just trying to get an old g-friend back or wanting to end the pain, the voices, the day to day, just wanting to see what's over that hill that you'll never cross, not alive anyway. I suppose we all have some sort of thrill/death wish issues.

I did everything short of putting a gun mouth, being at the parties wat out in the boonies, I'd always be one of the last ones there, that's when the fun starts, fights, stupid ideas, lets try and drive over the train bridge.... coming home from parties I made sure I was always in the car w/ the drunkest guy driving, if he could walk I found an other ride, we never thought of it ( i had a friend the same way) as looking to get killed we just wanted to have fun. We'd be dropped off miles form our homes so we could walk home 3-4am see what kind of trouble we could get into or could find us, plenty sure did.

Taking your own life for what ever reason, the only crime that's not punishable is you committ it, sure I've tryed it 1st time I was 11, hung my self, didn't work I could breath and my so called friend told my grand mother-father, BOY did I get beat, next I think I was 13 or 14 took everything I could find in the med's chest, that's wheb I learned comtrex (sp) if you take enough will fuck you up like everythings in slow motion, used to do that all the time after that, loved the feeling. From there I just wanted to see what was over that hill, I was sick of all the shit here time for a change, time for something new, last time I had it planned to look like a freak accident, would have worked had I not fallen in love 1st.

Well I don't think this thread was what I wanted it to be about but....heres to ya.

[alowishus]

I've been doing a lot of running around and w/ the site being kind of flaky, I didn't get to finish, what the thread was really all about. And it doesn't seem that I got much love from any of me peeps....:(

One of my best friend, gulf war vet, Bradley Commander, BIG dude, has been missing for 3 months and I just found out the other day. I've moved like an hour and a half away from where I was, so I stopped by the old watering hole, where we're always at and....I don't see him so I ask and everyone like just about cries and the new bartender (never seen her before) points me to a poster tape up on the wall "MISSING" xxxxx(you get the rest)
He has two gorgeous kids he loves more then life, he's had some issues w/ gulf war syndrome (don't let anyone tell you it's not real) but he didn't do drugs, drank as much as anyone else, but he just poopff, he new car, his cell phone hasn't been used since the last day anyone saw him leave the bar, same as his credit card. I mean he is a big dude who can take care of more then two people at a time, just GONE.

He'd tell me all about the war an shit, and how you're not supposed to use 50 cal rounds on combatants and other fun tid bits, gone man just fucking GONE.

The police are calling it a homicide, but of course not letting out any info not that they have any we've been retracing his routes everyone he could have taken home that night, ya know driving yourself looking for ANYTHING, key ring, his favorite crystal.......

1st thing I thought of when I heard was that he topped him self but no, no way not the love for his kids, besides that's not him, he'd beat the fuck out of the grim reaper. Then buy him a beer.

I still can't get my head around it man, gone, what the hell could have happened that this would come to pass, I mean you've got al kinds of leads to go on for all the other stuff that happens but nothing, nothing for my friend, just fucking GONE.:( :( :mad: :mad: :sad-smile

[poonwhalla]

Hey all that I have to say is alowishus is I hope you find your friend, dead or alive. I am not meaning to sound mean but it takes the guess work out of it. I have been that person who has pushed to the limit, but outside of being very young never thought of offing myself an option. Not much really matters to me but true friendship and that is coming from someone who has seen the first person who inspired me to play guitar jump in front of a train because of there H addiciton, when I was 13 knew him all my life he was my cousion. Back to the point I don't know what to tell you mang just hope he is in a good place. I hope you get some resolve in this situation soon

[PRIZEFIGHTERINFERNO]

man im sorry to hear this. i hope your friend turns up. my heart goes out to you and his family and i sincerely hope you get some good news about that situation soon. peace

[alowishus]

Thanks Poon & Phish.
You know when it turns from a rescue to a recovery, we're just wishing we can have one.

If it was foul play, there's ocean on 3 sides and one huge gator infested swamp in the middle, not to mention a billion little lakes and marshes, and sink holes and ......a fuck load of inbred redneck mother fuckers that would just as soon as shoot you in the knee caps if you ask for directions and your the wrong color, got the wrong accent, or just something they want......and I'm not just talking about white rednecks; these fuck heads that have NO respect for life come in ALL colors.

Life is cheap in these swamps, $5 worth of meth cheap.

I just want to get my family out of here, our 1st night in this shit hole of a state, 5 guys beat one guy near death, in front of our apartment, just because of his cell phone ringer. Our next place our next door friend, the lady we shared a wall w/ was stabbed to death while I was about 6 feet away, never heard a thing, saw two homeless people hit and killed by a 17 yr old girl driving at least 90, one of them must have went 20 feet in the air and landed in this way that.....that bodies just don't go, the other, they were married had her head left in the grill as it was ripped from her body and was run over. They both used to come to the back of the restaurant I work at and look throughthe bins for food, we'd hook 'em up sometimes....My girls friend at work was car jacked and beat w/ a club even though she did everything they asked, broke almost every bone in her face, she used to be pretty, now she's just happy she can see and speak, this is petophiles and sex offenders heaven, check it out on line and your surrounded. And now my friend just gone, I know it's bad all over and I've got it no different then anyone else, I'M JUST SO SICK OF THE HATE AND KILLING.

[slugbone]

hey alowishus, reguarding your first post, yeah i think everyone from time to time feels that way, for sure i have, anytime i have tried something dumb it has been when i was drunk, used to drive around drinking bacardi and listening to music out in the sticks, doing stupid shit.

anyway i just wanted you to know i understand how you feel about that shit, and as an addict i ain't gonna bullshit you and say things are going to turn out ok but i'm on your side my friend and its good to have a place like this where you can say your feelings and the opiophiles here support ya.

[shaunclo]

Jesus Fuckin Christ Alowishus, I will never complain of where I live again!!! I have never seen or even heard of, well Ive heard of, but never seen any of those gruesome tales you speak of.

As for the comtemplating suicide, I dont think you have lived if you havnt thought about it just for a second. Everyone has problems they think they will never get over, or just dont want to get over. I tried many many times before to off myself, and I have to say that it isnt an easy thing to do. When I get down to it, all I can think about are the people I truly love in this life crying day-in-and-day-out becuase of what I did. I cant possibly think about the fact that they will think it was their fault, that they werent there enough for me, when the opposite is true - I have pushed them away with no way for them to be there for me. I dont know what else to say, besides I never thought I would make it to 25, when I am now 27.

[jab]

First I pray that your freind returns home safe. Second I hope that things level out in your life, and that things start to look up.

I know what you're saying about FL, heck I live here too, but it's the same all over. I've lived in so many different places, as well as traveled for a living for 3 years, and it really is the same all over. And I've seen much worse then FL, beleive me.

All you can do is make the best of what you have and hope for the best future. A change in geography won't fix it, only a change in attitiude.

Anyway, keep your head up and feel free to PM if you want to talk. I'll keep you and your freind in my prayers.

Thanks Poon & Phish.
You know when it turns from a rescue to a recovery, we're just wishing we can have one.

If it was foul play, there's ocean on 3 sides and one huge gator infested swamp in the middle, not to mention a billion little lakes and marshes, and sink holes and ......a fuck load of inbred redneck mother fuckers that would just as soon as shoot you in the knee caps if you ask for directions and your the wrong color, got the wrong accent, or just something they want......and I'm not just talking about white rednecks; these fuck heads that have NO respect for life come in ALL colors.

Life is cheap in these swamps, $5 worth of meth cheap.

I just want to get my family out of here, our 1st night in this shit hole of a state, 5 guys beat one guy near death, in front of our apartment, just because of his cell phone ringer. Our next place our next door friend, the lady we shared a wall w/ was stabbed to death while I was about 6 feet away, never heard a thing, saw two homeless people hit and killed by a 17 yr old girl driving at least 90, one of them must have went 20 feet in the air and landed in this way that.....that bodies just don't go, the other, they were married had her head left in the grill as it was ripped from her body and was run over. They both used to come to the back of the restaurant I work at and look throughthe bins for food, we'd hook 'em up sometimes....My girls friend at work was car jacked and beat w/ a club even though she did everything they asked, broke almost every bone in her face, she used to be pretty, now she's just happy she can see and speak, this is petophiles and sex offenders heaven, check it out on line and your surrounded. And now my friend just gone, I know it's bad all over and I've got it no different then anyone else, I'M JUST SO SICK OF THE HATE AND KILLING.

[Coddfish]

You like it in detox when they ask "do you have suicidal thoughts?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh, No ma'am. But it's not hard, I can if you want me too."
WTF? Like being in detox is the highlight of a junky's life and if you think about snuffing it. . . . . . .something's wrong with you ha ha ha.

[Curio]

Thanks Poon & Phish.
You know when it turns from a rescue to a recovery, we're just wishing we can have one.

If it was foul play, there's ocean on 3 sides and one huge gator infested swamp in the middle, not to mention a billion little lakes and marshes, and sink holes and ......a fuck load of inbred redneck mother fuckers that would just as soon as shoot you in the knee caps if you ask for directions and your the wrong color, got the wrong accent, or just something they want......and I'm not just talking about white rednecks; these fuck heads that have NO respect for life come in ALL colors.

Life is cheap in these swamps, $5 worth of meth cheap.

I just want to get my family out of here, our 1st night in this shit hole of a state, 5 guys beat one guy near death, in front of our apartment, just because of his cell phone ringer. Our next place our next door friend, the lady we shared a wall w/ was stabbed to death while I was about 6 feet away, never heard a thing, saw two homeless people hit and killed by a 17 yr old girl driving at least 90, one of them must have went 20 feet in the air and landed in this way that.....that bodies just don't go, the other, they were married had her head left in the grill as it was ripped from her body and was run over. They both used to come to the back of the restaurant I work at and look throughthe bins for food, we'd hook 'em up sometimes....My girls friend at work was car jacked and beat w/ a club even though she did everything they asked, broke almost every bone in her face, she used to be pretty, now she's just happy she can see and speak, this is petophiles and sex offenders heaven, check it out on line and your surrounded. And now my friend just gone, I know it's bad all over and I've got it no different then anyone else, I'M JUST SO SICK OF THE HATE AND KILLING.

Alowishus:
This is why I can barely stand to leave my house anymore....truly I leave and do errands and I become overwhelmed anymore by the amount of ignorance, hatred, callousness, etc..that I see while I am gone and I wish I'd never gone in the first place
...I think something is different about folks who NEED the kinds of meds some of us do in order to function in this world....ultra sensitive, etc.... after I got hurt on the job, and the 1+ year when I've been out of the "world' so to speak, I could actually look out and see things the way they really ARE, not what I've grown used to...

I hope you find peace in LIFE, because that's what it takes to LIVE, in my opinion...and peace has to come from within, because we all know there isn't much peace OUTSIDE in the world anymore...

I pray for you and your friend to find peace wherever you go

[alowishus]

Thanks everyone for your support and for the support of my friend, it's been really bad for them; a couple yrs ago his brother OD'd after being clean for a while and trying to fight the good fight, I may have told some of you about that already, he was also a close friend, as he was leaving to catch the plane to see family in Chi-town for x-mas I said come back alive....he didn't.

shaunclo I never planned to make it past 18, it was a shock to have to figure out what to do now, and I was only 19, seemed like I'd done and seen it all then. Ahhh stupid youth, "young dum and full of cum"

I may have thought and tryed to off myself many yrs ago (don't know anyone who hasn't at least thought of it) but now I wouldn't couldn't and will never do anything like that, my two yr old makes sure of that.
NO FUCKING WAY HE'S GROWING UP WITHOUT A FATHER.

Thanks again all.

[blackdog]

hey bud i just went thru what you are kinda going thru sorta except i had no one ta go to.anyhow from daily contact 2-3 times a day minimum to a weekend no contact no problem thats allowed then one,two three days no calls then another and another, one week and no answer to return calls and its ringing no one is answering finally over a month later a mutual friend gets a call from my bud .why him and not me i dont know but dont care.i just wanna know whats up right? it ends up he got arrested with dope and guns in his truck and needs to be bailed out cause theres no one to make the house payment and he had just dropped his mother off into a residential care unit facility. so that explains why the total blackout BUSTED BY THE MAN...in your case i only hope it could be that simple. all the best
da/dawgg