RIP

[D-Train]

Wasn't quite sure where to post this so I figured that I would start a thread in the I & I forum since the topic is definately 'related to the occupational hazards that sometimes accompany IV or drug use'.

Sadly, I was informed yesterday that a friend OD'd on Wednesday.

Apparently, after having been away with the intent of getting clean and of being that way for a number of weeks, he decided to get some relief. I'm told he fired too much D and was mixing with Xanax. Whether it was from too large of a fix at once or from cumulative doses, I'm not sure.

This is the link to Adam's obit
http://www.legacy.com/BillingsGazette/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=18444098

As I fix today, they will be in Adam's memory because I know well that we shared in the relief of comfortable numbness.

Perhaps there could be a subforum for those we've lost or lose. I believe Heroin magazine has something like a memorials page and the like. Maybe there is something like that already at opiophile.org and I just have missed it.
Peace to you all and be careful always. D.

[shaunclo]

Jesus D, what the fuck is going on here. I am so sick and tired of hearing shit like this. You have to excuse me for being so upset, I have never had any friends that I share opiate (IV use) with so I have never had the misfortune of having someone close to me die due to it. This really scares me cause out of all the times in all the years I have fixed up, I have always done so alone. I have never even been in the same room with someone else while I was shooting. I know there are many like me who share the same isolation with their drug use, this is why it scares me when someone just drops from this site, cause we dont have any idea what happens to them, let alone their real name to see if we could find it in the obituaries. (sp)

As much as I like to get high, this whole fuckin lifestyle thing for me is getting old real fast. If I keep this up I have no doubt in my mind that I am going to be next or in the near future. I find as the days pass, I start to care less and less, which I never thought I would ever be able to say. I have always been a happy person before my induction into the the H lifestyle, but somehow and somewhere along the way I have been noticing that the thought of leaving this whole headache of a mess of what I call my life seems to sound sweeter and sweeter, or atleast just an easy way out.

Im sorry for your loss D

[zombiewoof23]

Here's the link to a comrade of mine who became a casualty in 2002. This changed my life and the life of his friends and family forever. It is also the main reason why I am here on this site. He was only doing junk for 3 months. He graduated #1 in his class in college in his field of study. He is missed.

http://www.snyderfuneralhomes.com/obituaries/obit_view.phtml?id=925

[HistoryofMadness]

Its a danerous life we live, and unfortunately death is something we deal with a lot. I would like to commemorate my former partners in crime, Justin and Melissa. Only the good die young.

[vaxn8]

D- Very sorry for your loss.

Shaun- I think about this all the time. I'm in the same situation as you. The only place I would ever be found would be if it happened at work, then I'm at least across the street from the hospital. The times that have scared me the most is waking up or coming to with a needle still in my arm/wherever I stuck it. I kid myself by thinking rx meds are safer, but once I start with dilaudid, I really don't pay a whole lot of attention to how many I am using. :(

[slugbone]

sorry for your loss my man. whats that neil young said - every junkie is a setting sun. we all know it and feel it. like shaunclo said i think most of us get the feeling or know that we aint long for this world.

rest in peace, to all those we have lost along the way.

[devilsdrug]

look here guys im livin proof u dont hav to fade away suddenly u know i pushed the envelope when i was younger a lot and to the edge just be SMART that starts with not mixin with benzos or drink , if im gonna take or drink something its after and not much do not start claimin its the lifestyle BS its ur own responsibility to do it right more later in this thread

[myfaceitches]

I am very sorry to hear that...A buddy of mine just died sunday night because of an H overdose...FUCKIN TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE DYING!!! Please be careful everyone...don't wind up as a statistic.

[devilsdrug]

that was one of my favorite sayinns yrs ago im not gonna be a statistic thank u donk

[candy]

It is so sad when someone so young passes. D- Sorry for your loss and for anyone else who has lost someone they love from heroin addiction.

What devilsdrug said is so true. You put yourself at a much higher risk when you mix tow drugs that depress the respiratory system. Anytime you mix heroin with alcohol or benzo's, you put yourself at a much higher risk for an overdose than with heroin alone. In fact most overdoses were not with just heroin, but a mixture of two or more drugs that cause respiratory depression.

And as shaun said, many of us are alone when it comes to using and this lifestyle of heroin addiction. I certainly never shared my using among friends and I was always alone. Being a nurse didn't put me at any less of a risk than anyone else. Although I might have bit more info, I still took that risk.
Maybe having a bit more info does help in terms of decreasing your risks, but with this lifestyle comes risk.

We all think of the "what if's!"

I know I have seen my share of what can happen and what does happen and I am always deeply saddened by the loss of someone so young. So many of those I have come in to contact with at work are so young and so reckless. It is true that they think they are invinsible and it will never happen to them. I often want to slap them upside their young heads!
I don't want this to be about me. If anyone wants any information on overdose prevention or reducing your risks, let me know and I will be more than happy to send it to you.
Or take a look at some sites like the Harm Reduction Coalition.

Just be safe!

[DaOxyMan]

i too have only banged in front of someone a few times - three to be precise...and i have often fallen out with the rig in my arm or just inches away from arm....gotten scarred once or twice...but i have been hearin wayyyy to many stories in my area (cleveland) bout young junkies dyin...i think the overall dope quality is just going up all around the country and its starting to take alotta people down...i banged up for the first time in like a month yesterday cuz it was almost midnight of my birthday, and i only shot a bag and a half...i shot it standing up (don't ask) and shit Literally put me on my ass...we all need to make a collective effort to keep at watchful eye out for ourselves first and formost, but also try and watch over our fellow destructrive brethren (always wanted to use that word)...because it is always a sad day when you hear about someone you know OD'd...i like hearing about someone being SAVED from an OD cuz then you know the Fire is around, and no one had to die to let me know which corner to go to :)

[RobOC]

I can totally and cmpletely empathize withmost every post on this thread. D, I am sorry for your loss and wish you and his family the best. I think of myself as lucky that I got off H when I did because I knew that I was going to die, and the worst part was that I did not care. I remember hitting a huge issue and then waking up a half hour later with the rig still stuck in my hand and my head flat on the coffee table. Insteadof taking that as a warning sign I was just pissed that I missed the rush so I fixed up again. That sort of thing would happen to me often and I never thought of how bad it was until I have recently looked back in retrospect. What would my family and friends think when they didnt hear from me for a few days? No one would know a thing until the neighbors noticed a stench comeing from my apartment and the coroners came to get my body. It is a morbid thought, but it is one that must be recognized in order to make it through the type of lifesyles that we live. Be safe, know your limits, and learn from the mistakes of others. Don't let our loved ones die in vain, it is not what they would have wanted for us.

[roland2661]

I'm sorry I'm late to this topic, but I am new to the site, not the chase:1986 on and off in one form or another. I read a post from shaunclo and it hit me why after all this time I became a member of a site like this. We are all looking for why we are fucked up. Novacaine for the soul..... We are all on the fringe. We are zombies. Walking that line between heaven and hell. Not trying to be smart here, but Newtons law of relativity most definitely applies to the game: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. "The old ya play you pay" A long passed sage to the chase told me while I was high on percs, getting a tat, that that first opiate high that really hits you, do you all remember the one? Is like the first moment you fell in love when you were young and ingnorant to lives pain. You can stop it for years but it's always there lingering. And if opportunity arises enough you will dance in the poppies again. And for those of us who live in urban areas there is just so many ways to get. shaunclo bottom line is you need time off. Cold hard fact brother. Fuck that Trainspotting ,Godmother shit about 30yr uninterrupted habits. Never happens. You stay numb long enough thats what you become. "You are what you eat." Right? We are all junkers because we lost our way some where. We went left instead of right. How many times have you been fucking miserable and saw a coworker/ neighbor whatever acting uphoricly happy and thought 'god damn I have to pay at least $100 to feel like that.' What are we hiding from? All I know is that opiates give me that something to look forward to like nothing else ever has? Women, my kid(being fucking honest here), nothing. Why? That's why we are all here. A way to reach out for some answers to a question that might not have one. I know rehab and time off is for quitters but you might need to take a step off the train at the next stop, step back, and look. I'm sorry if I sound preachy or like I think I know shit but I have been doing this a while. If I think I can catch a brother If I see him falling I'll try. We're all in same boat here.

[shaunclo]

Yo Roland, your a wise brotha-man. I took nothing you had to say as preaching. I know a break is badly needed and I am back on the subs, but when the connect comes around - well, lets just say that my money gets handed over by itself, and a bag o tar ends up in my hand, which somehow finds its way into my veins.

[roland2661]

Could it be this path chose us? I know how it is. I have been on a small OC bender of late. I lie to myself that as long as I stay away from H and chip 80's and do the right thing for the family($) I'll be good. It's been awhile since I've strung this many days together. Nobodies fault but mine. Why is it that I forget my wifes birthday, but remember those cell #'s from a long since dried up connect yrs back? We're not long for this world me thinks.

[shaunclo]

Why is it that I forget my wifes birthday, but remember those cell #'s from a long since dried up connect yrs back? We're not long for this world me thinks.

Dude, I still remember my first dealers # by heart - and that was sooooo long ago its disgusting.

No, I am back on the subs since last Saturday and am going to stay on em for atleast a month. This last bender nearly finished me. Who knows, I have a pretty good idea that opiates will always play a part of my life no matter how many years pass, sober or not. Its just knowing when to stop and grab hold of the wheel and make sure your in the right lane. Then (if you want) you can let go again and hope that you have the smarts to grab onto the wheel again once more before you smash into another car on the road or a building that you didnt see coming.

There is such a small line between control, and outta control. It always think when I start out on a little binge that I am in control, but soon after I realize that I am outta control once more and have to kick it in the ass again.

I have only one word that describes my bond with opiates - FUCKED!!!!

[candy]

It is so, so true Shaun....

I have asked myself so many times, "Why do I do this to myself?"

Being a nurse, everyone who is not like me, cannot understand why I would do so much harm to myself after everything I have seen.

It is certainly different when your on the other side....And being a nurse does not make me immune to all those things that affect us!

Before I stopped using this last time and went on Methadone, I was so physically and emotionally fucked up. I would sit there for hours trying to find a vein and was wasting so much H, more than I was actually using. No matter how hard it was to get high, I continued to torture myself. I would drive home after scoring and think that today I would get lucky and be able to find something that I could inject into. I was pretty fucking hopeless sitting behind that locked bathroom door.
For myself, during those long periods of being "clean" whatever that means, it could be something like the time of day or how it feels outside to bring about those intense cravings. I could be driving down the street and all of a sudden I can be right back to that moment that I am driving to score. And I can feel that exact way I have a hundred times before, right down to the smell outside. Does that make any sense?
I don't know, they say it can take many times until we finally reach a point where we can stop for good. Well, you know what they say. They are not always right and they don't always know what they are talking about.

And know matter how long it has been since I have used or how long I am on Methadone, I will never go back to working in a hospital or clinic where there are narcotics. It is just too easy!
Coming from someone who works in harm reduction with other junkies....I just don't think about it while I am working there. Weird isn't it!