Im not doing too well, guys

[Tar_Baby]

I dont know where else to post this..but Ive been off heroin since january..went back on methadone..and thgen developed a cocaine habit..I dont even like coke I just like an IV rush and cant feel h anymore.
Anyway Im at the end of my rope and cant seem to stop..After I do it I feel guilty and say "no more" then the next day the syringe calls me..
I lost my job and am at risk for losing what little I have left in my life ( wife, family etc)
I know noone can help me but me ...but just wanted to vent I know you guys been there before
By the way I been a heroin addict since I was 16 started in 1989-1990 ish

[kat1lifeleft]

Sorry to hear your not doing your best. I sometimes wonder if the addiction to the needle itself isn't just as strong as that of the drugs. I often find that I will keep injecting even after there's nothing left... Crazy right?! Anyway, if you are only seeking the rush, then methadone is not going to work for you. I don't have any better advice than you are going to have to work on breaking the psychological hold this stuff has over you instead of maintenance. Wish i could be more hope/helpful :(

[Canis aureus]

I am second on this... truely sorry to hear...

Coke is just that rush, and when one is on opiates it doesn't make nervous (as much as it does otherwise). Shit that.

[shaunclo]

I dont know where else to post this..but Ive been off heroin since january..went back on methadone..and thgen developed a cocaine habit..I dont even like coke I just like an IV rush and cant feel h anymore.
Anyway Im at the end of my rope and cant seem to stop..After I do it I feel guilty and say "no more" then the next day the syringe calls me..
I lost my job and am at risk for losing what little I have left in my life ( wife, family etc)
I know noone can help me but me ...but just wanted to vent I know you guys been there before
By the way I been a heroin addict since I was 16 started in 1989-1990 ish

Dear Tarbaby,
You sound like how I feel about 29 days outta the month man, I wish I could offer some advice on your situation also, I guess the best advice would be to just know that you are not goin thru this alone. There are literally dozens of people here (not to mention roaming the streets) that are so close to giving up everyt fuckin minute of the day.

There is always going to be hard times regardless if we are using dope or coke or nothing at all. Its just a rough patch man, you will get your footing back I promise. You just have to hang in there and do what you can. Please keep us updated and check your PM's.

[HistoryofMadness]

Hey man hate to hear that, I too have suffered from the devil's dandruff... its evil shit, man, and it used to talk to me in my sleep...

The only thing I can say that helped me a little is wellbutrin (chem: bupropion). Its pretty good for coke cravings, and really cravings in general, and this may sound crazy but chocolate helps with cravings too...

Other than that, just let it run out, you'll get so tired of it soon enough it'll make you sick to think about it...

Good luck man.

[opiobsessed]

Good luck to you man, I'm in a hole right now myself and even though it doesn't matter if its as bad or worse than your situation, I think people like us and hopefully you will win the lottery bigtime. After all I've been through I hate to see fellow opiophiles like myself suffer, especially to your extent.

I after hearing so many horror stories and how coke or crack makes a junky feel, am just lucky for the life of me that I never tried smoking crack in that crackhouse I supposedly was in a while back. I just wanted my opiates, they only had crack, coke so I just sat there watching someone smoke up and just stand up rocking back and forth, just staring into space nervous as hell looking.

I saw those effects, thought why would I ever want that? I just like feeling cozy, warm and happy and calm and ambitious.

I keep hopeing that by luck as usual, I will just one day have another great idea pop up in my head that will get me out of the hole, I can get going again to make more money to get on my feet again. I hope you best of luck and hope you can come up with something man.

[DaOxyMan]

i have had many of the same periods of feeling hopeless and that life is meaningless and wanting to give up...but listen to what the others said..and think about your family, and your wife...someday things willchange, i know it seems its all downhill forever, no matter how depressed you are, but i was liek that for years, the only thing that helped me sleep at night was the thought that "someday ill die, and itll all be over"...one time i shot up in my bathroom right before i got into the shower, and i passed out immediately, and woke up freezing and i still had the rig in my arm,a nd i was afraid for a minute that my family would have found me like that if i had OD'd (naked, with a rig in my arm) and i thought to my self "this is how i deserve to die"...after that i sort of had a revelation, that this mindset was going to lead me to darker places and a much shorter life if you know what i mean...im not saying to wait around for a "miracle" revelation. but after this i began to think about how my family would feel, and started to think back about my ex grilfriend who i loved alot, and just sort of reministed (sp) in my mind about times when i was actually happy, although this kind of depressed me to...then also, i forced myself to take up old habits, like playing guitar more..and getting back into art...i didn't enjoy it at all for months, but eventually it started to have somewhat of a meaning to me again, and starting to reward me mentally and lift my mood..also even if it only occupied an hour or two of my die, thats an hour or two not spent doingdrug/getting drugs/wishin i had drugs...i dunno if that makes sense at all i just want to help if possible..you say you have a wife, think about her..i know its hard in these times but if she's still with you thru this, than come on man she obviously loves you infinitely

[schumer]

Shit man I feel for ya. If you got insurance get the fuck in treatment dude before you do loose it all. I'm 49 doing the JONES ROUTINE AGIN after 20yrs clean & sober.

I'm clean 90 days after couple years doing dones to get off Hyro, Oxy and whatever else I could pull through the COTTON, with the all the usuals before that. Then i was using that shit shootin the donies and taking the Painkillers. I started using with the older dudes in the neighborhood doing MS IR IV at 12y/o. My Ma caught me in the Bathroom JAMMIN at 14y/o and my only regret was being interupted. I got clean and sober at 23. Lived in a 1/2 way house for a year. SAVED MY LIFE.

I then relapsed like a stupid fuck at 45 smokin weed. Thought I could handle that after 20 years+ clean. What a stupid fuck I am. Soon it was Pills knowing damn well I'd get hooked. Thought I could handle that too. The only blessing is I ain't had a drink in 26 years.

Just about one cunt hair from the slide down the toliet bowl hole into the SHIT PIPE TO HELL. I got honest & did the Intensive Outpatient. I've been on Sub for 90 days clean pees every week since & still in treatment & ain't planning on getting out after reading your post. Thank God i took out the Disability insurance or I'd be fucked.

I"D BE LYING if I told you I wasn't dying to go back out there. What the fuck do you think got me here posting at this site? Reading your post helped reminded me what's waiting for me. It has taken me 3 months to get where I can even go out the door feeling human & I'm still looking for the corner of the bedroom where I felt safest doin g the nod after Ma went to bed.

Now this fucking Sub is making me deranged. Potentiting it with 45mgs of DXM for the buzz. I'm gonna have to give this shit up or I will be back out there. Those poppy sites are calling me. It's a good thing it ain't SUBTEX or I'd be using the works stashed in the basement. Us fucking Junies believe that a Miracle is waiting don't we. That Sub just makes it too fuckin easy to escape the WDS & PAWS. Thank God the fucks with the painkiller scripts moved & I got no IDEA where they live.

Man get in treatment. I know it SUCKS. Now days all these fucking counselors are old bitches that had a Masters Degree in WHATEVER; lost their job doing WHATEVER; took 18 CREDIT HOURS and SCCHHHHAAAAZZZZZZAAAAAAM!!! NOW think they are FUCKING BETTY FORD. But if you got the will DUDE just being in there with other fucks that wanna get CLEAN HELPS LIKE NO OTHER SALVE MAN. Are you not gonna want to use after treatment?? Shit dude you know the answer to that!!

Absolutely the ADDICTION RECOVERY INDUSTRY IS NOW A RACKET. The supply of Junkies outweighs demand so anyone with the appropriate initials behind their name is now a FUCKING ADDICTION OLOGIST. The fucking doctors prescribing this shit don't have a GOD DAMN CLUE what they are prescribing. I knew more about the SUB routine than they did. They gave me a script & told me not to worry about WD's when I was doing the Turkey Town off the Dones 20mgs weened down from 80mgs. Man.

No offense to Curry Heads but all these Psychiatrists are money driven Pakistanis, Vietnamese foreigners who took an 8hr course, could give a shit & once they got you by the balls are just like the fucking dealers AFTER YOUR MONEY. They want a cash payment in additon to billing your insurance just to fill the script. That ain't fucking right MAN.

The only relief I find is I GO TO AA cause they are all POLYDRUG ABUSERS just like me with the drug of choice being ALCHOHOL. Fucking NA I could tell everyone was puttin on a fucking show just waitin to fire up the BLUNT waitin in the ashtray OR WHATEVER they had outside in the car.

If I can help shoot me an EMAIL. I's in NC. I may go back out but I'm doing better than I was three months ago. There is strength in numbers I do know that.

[Coddfish]

Desparate times, brother. That means you do something drastic. Move. Detox. Do what you gotta do.

You know most of us have been where you are, but once I got myself in that mind set of 'I gotta DO something, or else this is gonna get really bad' it became easier to see the way to go.

You got family and a home and it may not seem like there are many choices, but fucking get outta there for a while if that's what it's gonna take. Take the family with you or send em to the in-laws or whatever.

If you are as bad off as it sounds, try not to think about 2 years from now or 6 months from now, just work on what you need to do for the next few days and know that things will be better when you get this stuff under control. Can't be worse, right?

It's hard to make decisions that will change lives, but if that's what you need, then do it and the other shit will work itself out.

And a lot of people get support through AA/NA...............BWAAHAhahaHAAAHHhaaahaaahe...hehe ...he...(belch).......he........hee(snort)hee..... ..AAAHHhhhh........ Ohhhhhh my. I crack myself up.:)

BTW I found that every few months on done I got serious cravings for coke and, like you, I don't even like it. Never did. Just wanted to get up off the meth flatline. Another reason I'm glad that stuff is outta my life.

[superman]

when the cravings become too much for me, two things help me the most, lots of THC, and psychadelics. a real strong, ego dissolving trip really lets me reflect on my life. and if the dose is right at some point in the trip fear grabs me by the balls and reminds me that life is great.

i can totally sympathize with you about shooting coke to satisfy a desire to shoot opiates.

I know you can overcome this coke thing, hang in there and know you're not alone

[karmacoma]

i hope this advice doesn't sound stupid. it may be like putting a bandaid on an... exitwound. i've found that when i craved coke (keep in mind i never shot it, just the old noz), going the opposite way would sometimes help. if you can get valiums try those. in my experience it loosened that knot in my mind - that involuntary tick that kept repeating itself, "let's get some coke, let's get some coke".

other than that, it looks like you have a pretty large support network. keep on, man.

[slugbone]

I dont know where else to post this..but Ive been off heroin since january..went back on methadone..and thgen developed a cocaine habit..I dont even like coke I just like an IV rush and cant feel h anymore.
Anyway Im at the end of my rope and cant seem to stop..After I do it I feel guilty and say "no more" then the next day the syringe calls me..
I lost my job and am at risk for losing what little I have left in my life ( wife, family etc)
I know noone can help me but me ...but just wanted to vent I know you guys been there before
By the way I been a heroin addict since I was 16 started in 1989-1990 ish

dude i understand the endless loop of not being able to stop. as layne staley used to say we go from curious to sustenence in the blink of an eye.

all i can offer you is some moral support. like some, transferring to a less harmfull addiction is the only way i have found. like mucho weed as a replacement, but some folks just don't like the buzz and there aint no substitute.

[vanilla_mlkshake2007]

i have had many of the same periods of feeling hopeless and that life is meaningless and wanting to give up...but listen to what the others said..and think about your family, and your wife...someday things willchange, i know it seems its all downhill forever, no matter how depressed you are, but i was liek that for years, the only thing that helped me sleep at night was the thought that "someday ill die, and itll all be over"...one time i shot up in my bathroom right before i got into the shower, and i passed out immediately, and woke up freezing and i still had the rig in my arm,a nd i was afraid for a minute that my family would have found me like that if i had OD'd (naked, with a rig in my arm) and i thought to my self "this is how i deserve to die"...after that i sort of had a revelation, that this mindset was going to lead me to darker places and a much shorter life if you know what i mean...im not saying to wait around for a "miracle" revelation. but after this i began to think about how my family would feel, and started to think back about my ex grilfriend who i loved alot, and just sort of reministed (sp) in my mind about times when i was actually happy, although this kind of depressed me to...then also, i forced myself to take up old habits, like playing guitar more..and getting back into art...i didn't enjoy it at all for months, but eventually it started to have somewhat of a meaning to me again, and starting to reward me mentally and lift my mood..also even if it only occupied an hour or two of my die, thats an hour or two not spent doingdrug/getting drugs/wishin i had drugs...i dunno if that makes sense at all i just want to help if possible..you say you have a wife, think about her..i know its hard in these times but if she's still with you thru this, than come on man she obviously loves you infinitely

Nobody deserves to die like that Daoxyman.I feel so much for you I really do I inject morphine and feel the same way .I run a lil low and I think Oh no not again and I am not even quite out but I will die the day I do run out and that day is coming the money can't last forever,and I don't know how I manage to scoop up 900 bucks a monthwithout a job or selling my body but somehow I do but thats another long story,but really no one desrves to die that way no matter WHO you are! I care!!!!

[Tar_Baby]

Well I got a new job..in a convenience store..a small one (not 7 eleven) its air conditioned and I get 70 hours a week. The good thing is it occupies me from 10 am till 8 pm. Ive got my coke habit down alot the last few days..doing less and smaller shots. Sure do hate wearing long sleeves in 100 degree desert weather.But I had both my arms sleeved in prison so I can kinda get by with "I got alot of tats.." excuse.
I thought I caught my boss eyeballing my hand track marks though..But hes sorta ignorant of those things so I may just be paranoid.
Thanks for the encouragement...it helped alot. That same day I posted I got a new job.
Its cool we can support each other here...being a junky can be lonely.

[Tar_Baby]

Shit man I feel for ya. If you got insurance get the fuck in treatment dude before you do loose it all. I'm 49 doing the JONES ROUTINE AGIN after 20yrs clean & sober.

I'm clean 90 days after couple years doing dones to get off Hyro, Oxy and whatever else I could pull through the COTTON, with the all the usuals before that. Then i was using that shit shootin the donies and taking the Painkillers. I started using with the older dudes in the neighborhood doing MS IR IV at 12y/o. My Ma caught me in the Bathroom JAMMIN at 14y/o and my only regret was being interupted. I got clean and sober at 23. Lived in a 1/2 way house for a year. SAVED MY LIFE.

I then relapsed like a stupid fuck at 45 smokin weed. Thought I could handle that after 20 years+ clean. What a stupid fuck I am. Soon it was Pills knowing damn well I'd get hooked. Thought I could handle that too. The only blessing is I ain't had a drink in 26 years.

Just about one cunt hair from the slide down the toliet bowl hole into the SHIT PIPE TO HELL. I got honest & did the Intensive Outpatient. I've been on Sub for 90 days clean pees every week since & still in treatment & ain't planning on getting out after reading your post. Thank God i took out the Disability insurance or I'd be fucked.

I"D BE LYING if I told you I wasn't dying to go back out there. What the fuck do you think got me here posting at this site? Reading your post helped reminded me what's waiting for me. It has taken me 3 months to get where I can even go out the door feeling human & I'm still looking for the corner of the bedroom where I felt safest doin g the nod after Ma went to bed.

Now this fucking Sub is making me deranged. Potentiting it with 45mgs of DXM for the buzz. I'm gonna have to give this shit up or I will be back out there. Those poppy sites are calling me. It's a good thing it ain't SUBTEX or I'd be using the works stashed in the basement. Us fucking Junies believe that a Miracle is waiting don't we. That Sub just makes it too fuckin easy to escape the WDS & PAWS. Thank God the fucks with the painkiller scripts moved & I got no IDEA where they live.

Man get in treatment. I know it SUCKS. Now days all these fucking counselors are old bitches that had a Masters Degree in WHATEVER; lost their job doing WHATEVER; took 18 CREDIT HOURS and SCCHHHHAAAAZZZZZZAAAAAAM!!! NOW think they are FUCKING BETTY FORD. But if you got the will DUDE just being in there with other fucks that wanna get CLEAN HELPS LIKE NO OTHER SALVE MAN. Are you not gonna want to use after treatment?? Shit dude you know the answer to that!!

Absolutely the ADDICTION RECOVERY INDUSTRY IS NOW A RACKET. The supply of Junkies outweighs demand so anyone with the appropriate initials behind their name is now a FUCKING ADDICTION OLOGIST. The fucking doctors prescribing this shit don't have a GOD DAMN CLUE what they are prescribing. I knew more about the SUB routine than they did. They gave me a script & told me not to worry about WD's when I was doing the Turkey Town off the Dones 20mgs weened down from 80mgs. Man.

No offense to Curry Heads but all these Psychiatrists are money driven Pakistanis, Vietnamese foreigners who took an 8hr course, could give a shit & once they got you by the balls are just like the fucking dealers AFTER YOUR MONEY. They want a cash payment in additon to billing your insurance just to fill the script. That ain't fucking right MAN.

The only relief I find is I GO TO AA cause they are all POLYDRUG ABUSERS just like me with the drug of choice being ALCHOHOL. Fucking NA I could tell everyone was puttin on a fucking show just waitin to fire up the BLUNT waitin in the ashtray OR WHATEVER they had outside in the car.

If I can help shoot me an EMAIL. I's in NC. I may go back out but I'm doing better than I was three months ago. There is strength in numbers I do know that.

Ive been to 12 in patient rehabs ( 2 of which were 2 years long or more) since 1988

[zack5106]

i have had many of the same periods of feeling hopeless and that life is meaningless and wanting to give up...but listen to what the others said..and think about your family, and your wife...someday things willchange, i know it seems its all downhill forever, no matter how depressed you are, but i was liek that for years, the only thing that helped me sleep at night was the thought that "someday ill die, and itll all be over"...one time i shot up in my bathroom right before i got into the shower, and i passed out immediately, and woke up freezing and i still had the rig in my arm,a nd i was afraid for a minute that my family would have found me like that if i had OD'd (naked, with a rig in my arm) and i thought to my self "this is how i deserve to die"...after that i sort of had a revelation, that this mindset was going to lead me to darker places and a much shorter life if you know what i mean...im not saying to wait around for a "miracle" revelation. but after this i began to think about how my family would feel, and started to think back about my ex grilfriend who i loved alot, and just sort of reministed (sp) in my mind about times when i was actually happy, although this kind of depressed me to...then also, i forced myself to take up old habits, like playing guitar more..and getting back into art...i didn't enjoy it at all for months, but eventually it started to have somewhat of a meaning to me again, and starting to reward me mentally and lift my mood..also even if it only occupied an hour or two of my die, thats an hour or two not spent doingdrug/getting drugs/wishin i had drugs...i dunno if that makes sense at all i just want to help if possible..you say you have a wife, think about her..i know its hard in these times but if she's still with you thru this, than come on man she obviously loves you infinitely

[zack5106]

DaoxyMan

Sorry if my response was confusing--not used to the message board mechanics here.

Your post really resonated with me somehow.

All of us have losses. Everyone.
And, we seek to find ways to fill the void. Im not an opiophile, so I wont presume to know or understand what thats all about. Though, I am an alcohalic...so I understand a bit about addiction.

Its just that yours...was a heartfelt post. And, maybe thats just the way you are, or perhaps a result of reminiscing about your ex.

Actually, Im not even sure what this post is about.

No. You wanna know waht its about? I felt substance, and value, and heart in your post. And, somehow, I wish I had the power to lift you up and away from the plight of the endless nothingness; the infinite tracks of life which lead us nowhere.
As I sit here, so many nights, drinking to infinity.
Im as guilty, and as lost as anyone else; perhaps more.

Perhaps many would be angry with me, that it would seem I am judging you here.

I AM NOT.

I also have a drug which comforts me.

Still. Dont we all know, all of us..theres a higher power than any drug we could find?

God? Fuck the god damn Christians. I dont mean that. Or not christains necessarily. But, you know waht I mean. Dont you?

Love.
Simple love.

Anyways. I wish you well, Daoxyman.

[DaOxyMan]

thanks man..i know this is stupid but, i find it strangely coicidental you mentioned my post, as my name is Zach as well...anyways my depression is 'better' so to speak, and i only wrote that to try to help the OP see he is not alone, because junkies almost always feel alone at one point in their lives, if not their whole lives...i do not feel i need help, so please offer support to the OP, not me...thank you however for anyone who felt concern tho, i do look to these boards for mental support from time to time...just remember man, your never alone, even if not being alone means simply that all you have is a few faceless people that share similar problems over the internet in cities you've never heard of, just remember there's always somebody else trying to conquer the same demons

[Lil_Miss_Brownstone]

I hope things keep getting better for you. I did the coke shooting thing for 2 years and my life was a living hell. Up all night every night digging needles into my hands, legs, arms, tits trying to find a vein. overamping and going temporily blind and deaf (just ringing in my ears) for 3 min, then doing another sot 20 mins later. The only way i stopped was that I can't IV anymore.

I'm trying to come off a 16 month heroin binge right now. I'm down to 80 mgs of done today and yesterday after doing 160 the last 4 days since i stopped the H. I don't want a done habit, I just know i won't stick out a hellish cold turkey kick. I wish you the best, you aren't alone, crazy, or worthless. It sounds trite, but it really is a disease.

[shaunclo]

I'm trying to come off a 16 month heroin binge right now. I'm down to 80 mgs of done today and yesterday after doing 160 the last 4 days since i stopped the H. I don't want a done habit, I just know i won't stick out a hellish cold turkey kick. I wish you the best, you aren't alone, crazy, or worthless. It sounds trite, but it really is a disease.

Lil Miss Brown, be very carefule of that done, you think H w/d is bad, well your gonna find out that its a walk in the park after the done grabs you. I would use some other form of opiate to ween with, maybe percs or morph

[poppy]

Sure do hate wearing long sleeves in 100 degree desert weather.
Yet another down side of being a junkie eh? Especially as we're usually sweating away so are very clearly hot, no wonder people ask questions! I'm always sweltering away in long sleeved tops whilst everyone else is in vests or whatever. The same goes for my boyfriend. Today someone at his work place asked why he was sweating away in a long sleeve top and why didn't he just take it off and he made some stupid spur of the moment remark about not getting his arms dirty!!!-he drives a jcb thing on a building site (which are always full of semi clad man!!! hmmm theres a thought for my ailing libido, just joking!) he is always filthy when he comes home, so his answer made no sense at all god knows what the bloke thought especially as most building site workers are always half naked.

[superman]

"i can totally sympathize with you about shooting coke to satisfy a desire to shoot opiates." -me

still waiting for these fucking pods that still aren't here, last night i slammed 2 grams of coke to satisfy my lack of opiates.

yup, you're not alone

[vanilla_mlkshake2007]

Yet another down side of being a junkie eh? Especially as we're usually sweating away so are very clearly hot, no wonder people ask questions! I'm always sweltering away in long sleeved tops whilst everyone else is in vests or whatever. The same goes for my boyfriend. Today someone at his work place asked why he was sweating away in a long sleeve top and why didn't he just take it off and he made some stupid spur of the moment remark about not getting his arms dirty!!!-he drives a jcb thing on a building site (which are always full of semi clad man!!! hmmm theres a thought for my ailing libido, just joking!) he is always filthy when he comes home, so his answer made no sense at all god knows what the bloke thought especially as most building site workers are always half naked.
I call it MY Morphine Mustache although I'm a girl and my whole face eventially sweats in a terrible way.As far as the long sleeves go I can totally relate its just a good thing that I have a huge air conditioner in my apartment so if someone asks why the long sleeves I just say"Well with my air conditioning blasting it felt like 32 degrees in my apartment and theat usually shuts them up.