I lost a good friend and brother this wknd

[orchidfanatic]

just wanted to post .. today is the 3rd anniversary of my brother's suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.
I found myself this weekend of his death taking my anger out on people that didnt deserve it ..
I feel bad and apologized to them .. we can never understand what pushes a person so desparate to take their own lives.. And he had everything going for him .. he was rich with money but poor in love.
I guess thats what drove him over the edge.. no one to love and to love him back.. I count my blessings to have a loving wife and a beautiful child. I regret every day I didnt call him .. tell him I loved him and made some arrangements to spend more time with him ... we all need to tell the people that mean the most in our life .. that we love them ... every day cause before you know it .. their gone.. spreading ashes in a cold snowmelt river I hope to go back to that place one day .. if not in life then in death ..

[shaunclo]

Orchid, I dont even know what to say, my brother and I are closer than we have ever been and losing him would literally destroy my soul and spirit, I admire you courage and please feel free to PM me or anyone else if you ever need some serious talkign to, or just a friend that can listen

[marblehead]

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. You are right about realizing what is important and how it is important to reach out to our loved ones and tell them they are important to us.

[orchidfanatic]

Thanks to those who replied.. the resulting court battle only added to the grief.. F***ing relatives so greedy they wanted all his money .. I dotn know if my relationship with the rest of the family will ever be the same.. its sad really .. money does bad things to people

[poppy]

Hi Orchid,
I've only just got on line and noticed this thread. My eldest son's dad killed himself using the same method as your brother,(14 years this September) so I know where you're coming from, like Shaunclo said if ever you need to talk we're here to listen......
Suicide is so hard to understand and leaves so many questions unanswered, mainly why!! why didn't he/she call me, maybe I could have changed their minds etc, also guilt was I there for this person 100% My son's dad didn't leave a note and the only consolation (if you can really call it that) is that the place he chose to do it was very very remote (they didn't find his body for over three days, and it was found by a forestry worker who just happened to be in the area) basically I don't think it was a cry for help, I think he meant it. I can remember going with his grown up son (not mine) to fetch his belongings, get rid of his car etc from the police station, and we were like what cd was he listening to, he had money in the car, cigs etc, just trying to get into his mindset when he chose to do it. We're no nearer to knowing the truth now, he didn't leave a note so we were all left wondering.
I veer from thinking its the most selfish thing anyone could do (who leaves a one year old child on that child's first birthday in the aforementioned way with a photo propped up on the dash?) to thinkiing what right do I (or anyone else) have to expect someone to keep on living if their life has become that intolerable for whatever reason.
My thoughts now of course are (and obviously have to be) with my son and the impact having a parent who didn't think enough of you to stay around (and my his grown up half brother and sister who didn't warrent a photo on the dash, sorry that's one of the things which pisses me off, it was like cos they weren't cute anymore they didn't matter)
That mash song 'suicide is painless' is certainly not true, its not painless for those left behind.

[skeletontea]

Thanks to those who replied.. the resulting court battle only added to the grief.. F***ing relatives so greedy they wanted all his money .. I dotn know if my relationship with the rest of the family will ever be the same.. its sad really .. money does bad things to people

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother's death, and your money-grubbing relatives . A friend of mine's relatives were like that when her father died, and it ruined the already tenuous relationship with her remaining family members. Now she has no one.

It's always sad when people who should be mourning the loss of a loved one instead choose to exploit the tragedy for personal gain. Then rather than consoling surviving family members, attempt to betray them in court.

[orchidfanatic]

Thanks people it really means alot to me to hear your thoughts on this.. I am doing better today
thanks

[defenestrate]

man, i'm sorry to hear about this. i know that it'd be damned hard for me if i were to lose one of my brothers. it is good of you to honor his memory rather than to try and cash in. i don't have anything superinsightful to contribute, unfortunately, but as a couple of others here have said, i am happy to lend an ear if you want someone to vent to.

[orchidfanatic]

Thanks .. just responces from people ALL of you people is like a support group. so it helps..

[fiiendin]

i, too, have a brother, he is my twin. I wouldnt know what to do if he died tomorrow. Losing a twin is like losing a part of yourself, ya know?

[Paregoric Kid]

that really sucks. sorry you lost your brother.
it really is terrible to lose friends and family but you should also respect a persons right to do what they want with their life. if a person finds life so unbearable then it should be their right to end it. I totally understand why people off themselves. suicide emotionally effects other people but it is the individuals right to choose what he wants to do with his life and body. I'm not trying to come off as a dick, but just to support peoples right to end their life. it's the worst feeling in the world to know someone you loved killed themselves, but imagine how the individual felt, obviously much worse than the emotional suffering suicide causes to others. it is our bodies and lives and we must be able to do what we want with them.
again, sorry to hear about your loss.

[zombiewoof23]

I agree with most of your posts PK, but this one I do not. I think it's true that a person does have their own freewill, but what if that person has people depending on them, such as a family. I'm not talking about chronically (physically) ill people who are in so much pain, that death may be better, but people who may have temporary problems, and use suicide as a method to end those problems. I would like to encourage people to seek help and hopefully learn from whatever problems they may be having, turn that into wisdom and help others that may be having difficulties in the future. The aftermath of a suicide leaves too many unanswered questions, and is almost caused by something such as a loved one leaving, losing money, etc. Those IMO are temporary problems. I have lost many comrades to suicide and every one of them did it based on a temporary problem. I know this isn't a perfect world, but I do think there is alternatives to the ultimate choice.

[Paregoric Kid]

many people I know and love have killed themselves and it's an option I don't rule out myself if the shit ever hit the fan. the last band I was in the singer ended up hanging himself in jail, but he was going through a lot of shit so I don't blame him.

[zombiewoof23]

many people I know and love have killed themselves and it's an option I don't rule out myself if the shit ever hit the fan. the last band I was in the singer ended up hanging himself in jail, but he was going through a lot of shit so I don't blame him.

There is no doubt that it is definitely an option. I totally respect your opinion.

[shaunclo]

I agree with most of your posts PK, but this one I do not. I think it's true that a person does have their own freewill, but what if that person has people depending on them, such as a family. I'm not talking about chronically (physically) ill people who are in so much pain, that death may be better, but people who may have temporary problems, and use suicide as a method to end those problems. I would like to encourage people to seek help and hopefully learn from whatever problems they may be having, turn that into wisdom and help others that may be having difficulties in the future. The aftermath of a suicide leaves too many unanswered questions, and is almost caused by something such as a loved one leaving, losing money, etc. Those IMO are temporary problems. I have lost many comrades to suicide and every one of them did it based on a temporary problem. I know this isn't a perfect world, but I do think there is alternatives to the ultimate choice.

Zombie made some great points here, cause I have also suffered from the "this is never going to get better" syndrome and if I have ended my life because of those temporary problems, (which has been contiplated many times over) well then that would have been a way out that cannot be reversed. There is always a solution to every problem, and there is always something you can do to make your situation better. Suicide is never a solution, it is a way of not wanting to face your fears.

[zombiewoof23]

Zombie made some great points here, cause I have also suffered from the "this is never going to get better" syndrome and if I have ended my life because of those temporary problems, (which has been contiplated many times over) well then that would have been a way out that cannot be reversed. There is always a solution to every problem, and there is always something you can do to make your situation better. Suicide is never a solution, it is a way of not wanting to face your fears.

I think it is fairly normal to have feelings or thoughts of suicide sometime during the course of a person's life. I would say the vast majority of people here have had to encounted the feelings of losing somebody close to a sudden death, whether it be an OD and/or suicide. Having experienced the combination of the two more times than I can count on both hands, I think that these feelings or emotions are something that the loved ones will never accept or get over. Like I said, in my experience, all of the suicides or OD's could have been avoided and none of these people were as far gone as they thought they were. All of them lacked support from friends or family who didn't know how to help the person with their problems. I believe this is a huge problem with drug addicts whose families will many times shun them, instead of showing support or a positive light. All of the people that I knew that opted for a permanent escape, were either facing some kind of drug problem and/or a spouse/significant other had left them. Every one of them had better options IMO. I think that this is where tolerance, acceptance and education come into play for friends or family members of somebody that is suffering from depression, whatever the root cause of the depression is.

I will admit that I have not experienced a loved ones suicide based on a terminal illness, chronic pain, or maybe somebody facing a sentence. I do think the issue is more than just black and white. Either off yourself or don't. I know I personally turned around when I stopped playing the victim card and started taking responsiblity from my own actions. I had a somebody I trusted, tactfully point out the errors in my mode of thinking at the time. Listening to wisdom from a trusted source goes a long way, it is way better than listening to doctors or people who are trying to cure you or understand you via a text book.

[orchidfanatic]

I had forgotten about this thread .. thanks to all that replied its help me alot and thanks to the interesting discussion.. its almost another year to come around and the courts still have not settled anything .. I have had 3 serious maladies that doctors can only attribute to stress.. I have decided to seek out pro help to talk my feelings through with someone that can help me make sence of this .. but as long as I get court papers from my brothers estate I feel I cant begin to heal .. its like a wound ripped open everything another mail comes from the court .. I hope to finally let this wound heal in the next month .. I gave up trying to believe that the next month will be the end of the probate well see.... well see ..

[zombiewoof23]

I had forgotten about this thread .. thanks to all that replied its help me alot and thanks to the interesting discussion.. its almost another year to come around and the courts still have not settled anything .. I have had 3 serious maladies that doctors can only attribute to stress.. I have decided to seek out pro help to talk my feelings through with someone that can help me make sence of this .. but as long as I get court papers from my brothers estate I feel I cant begin to heal .. its like a wound ripped open everything another mail comes from the court .. I hope to finally let this wound heal in the next month .. I gave up trying to believe that the next month will be the end of the probate well see.... well see ..

Probate is a bitch my friend. I deal with it all the time in my business. I'm glad to hear you are going for professional help. That will give you an opportunity to vent and maybe the doctors can help you manage your stress. Once you are out of the probate nightmare, hopefully that will take some of the stress away. Remember that a sudden death like this is something that you will never "get over." I still have serious feelings of guilt associated with several of the deaths of friends and family. Try not to isolate yourself from your family or friends, that is a mistake I made early on. Besides the professional help, try to find somebody else that you can talk to that can provide you some wisdom for what you are feeling.

You can hit me up via PM anytime. This is one area that I know all too well from personal experience.

Has anybody heard from Shaun in awhile? I hope that kid is alright.

[Layne777]

Sorry for your loss. These are the events that change us forever, despite all of our innate coping mechanisms. They also tend to alter the way we perceive our own life experience.

L777

[Badly Drawn Girl]

Orchid, I'm so sorry! Your post brought tears to my eyes. It's such an important reminder... tomorrow isn't promised today. Be good to yourself the next few days, no playing "What If" or "If Only"! Do something to honour brother that will bring a smile to your face!

Whoops, I just realized the date on the original post. The sentiment is the same but I'm a tad late apparently.

[flipside]

just wanted to post .. today is the 3rd anniversary of my brother's suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.
I found myself this weekend of his death taking my anger out on people that didnt deserve it ..
I feel bad and apologized to them .. we can never understand what pushes a person so desparate to take their own lives.. And he had everything going for him .. he was rich with money but poor in love.
I guess thats what drove him over the edge.. no one to love and to love him back.. I count my blessings to have a loving wife and a beautiful child. I regret every day I didnt call him .. tell him I loved him and made some arrangements to spend more time with him ... we all need to tell the people that mean the most in our life .. that we love them ... every day cause before you know it .. their gone.. spreading ashes in a cold snowmelt river I hope to go back to that place one day .. if not in life then in death ..


Orchid. I know what it's like to lose a brother. Mine did not take his own life but was murdered. Either way nothing can ever prepare us for the sudden loss of a loved one..no time to say goodbye. I love you and we will always be left with why? what if? if only/ So many unanswered questions and things left unsaid.

Time does not heal in my experience but it does put distance between the spasm of gief that threaten to choke the very breath from our lungs. So in that respect time does allow us a litte reprive but I have found that when the pain hits it is just as strong as the day we found out.

I feel your pain, instead of weddings and nieces and nephews and birthday parties I mark the passing of each year with flowers on his grave. My thoughts and prayers ae with you. If you ever want to talk. get in touch. Love, Flip

[orchidfanatic]

Thank you again guys .. Zombie... yeah probate is a bitch the hearing was supposed to be the other day .. guess what delayed again .. those lawyers have been jerking me around for almost a year now.. this march .. well I do honor my brother by renting a vacation rental he rented while visiting .. is the last time I saw him there .. not the last we talked on the phone though .. I begged him to come visit months before he died. . yeah I was hoping I need not have to talk to a pro about his but since its delayed again . I guess I need to get someone .. even just for a couple of sessions.. thanks .. I think I wil call and reserve that rental.. right now ..
thanks again for all your thoughtful words and advice.
Orchid

[OxyContinuously]

sorry to hear about your brother. I hope YOU are doing OK.


Oxy

[chasetherush]

i know i'm still a noob on these forums and haven't gotten to know the members, but i'm sorry to hear about your loss. i have a close relationship with my sister and can't imagine what life would be like without her. it takes a strong person to keep going after something like that happens. my deepest condolences go out to you.

[jacky]

thats too bad. sorry for your loss orchid fanatic.

my dad hunghimself when I was 5. and my dads grandad killed himself earlier. so my grandad lost his son and father to suicide.

carbon monoxide at least spared the family a mess.

I know how it is to consider the pain that our loves ones were feeling when the did the act.
my father hung himself in the laundry room late one tuesday night.
wednesday morning was my grandmas day for doing wash.
so what are we to think? did he do it to spite his mother, or what he hoping to get noticed before he was dead?

I hope things go good for you this week at least, and that you have some peace of mind considering this at some point.

take care.

[orchidfanatic]

I am so sorry Jacky that is horrible ... we all think we have it bad but then ther a a thousand people that have it worse than I do .. .. its all just so sad.. time goes on .. and some days are fine and others are not .. the dates the we lost our loved ones . come and go I try to honor him and try to find and remember the good memories we had of him . and the times together .. thats all I can do ... I need a good cry tonight ..

[Dolophine]

I'm so sorry. He'll always be there watching over you I'm sure. You'll feel him there. Take care okay?

[zombiewoof23]

I am so sorry Jacky that is horrible ... we all think we have it bad but then ther a a thousand people that have it worse than I do .. .. its all just so sad.. time goes on .. and some days are fine and others are not .. the dates the we lost our loved ones . come and go I try to honor him and try to find and remember the good memories we had of him . and the times together .. thats all I can do ... I need a good cry tonight ..

In your mind, nobody has it worse than you do when you are dealing with the emotions surrounding the sudden death of a loved one. I feel safe in saying that Jacky or Flipside are simply saying that they've been there and that you aren't alone. This is the type of wisdom to search out that I was talking about. People who have been in your shoes along with professional help will help you with your emotions. Take advantage of the opportunity when ppl reach out to you. We are social creatures and need ppl around us to share insight, personal experiences, and our emotions with. Like I said before, this isn't something that you can just tough out and "get over," but there are measures that you can take to help you with this.

You are already on the right track by seeking professional help and also by posting this thread to begin with, instead of bottling up the emotions and trying to handle them on your own. In the grand scheme of things, this life is too short as it is. A vietnam vet I used to hang out with who was dying of stomach cancer said one of the most profound things that anybody has said to me. He is somebody that has had a rough life, and ran over a land mine in his jeep on his last tour which took him out and its the injury along with exposure to agent orange that ended up turning into stomach cancer. Yeah he was a little fucked in the head, but who wouldn't be? I would always talk to him for awhile when he came into my store and one day I asked him how he was doing with everything? He said, "You know, Jim Morrison once said that nobody here gets out alive." That hit me hard. He came to grips with his own mortality and where he was headed, and I realized that everybody's days really are numbered no matter where they are in their lives or what kind of physical or mental health they are in. None of us can escape the inevitable. It's the natural cycle of life and it really is short.

While the pain never completely goes away, eventually you'll be able to turn this event in your life into wisdom. It's just a matter of what avenues we take to deal with the pain and handle our emotions. The ppl here who have reached out to you can tell you what has and hasn't worked for them on their journey. It's so easy to get sucked into the downward spiral. You can pull yourself back up with some help.

[earthenone]

I am sorry to hear about your brother orchid, I know how hard it is to deal with the aftermath. My brother shot himself when he was 21, I was 24, I was the last family member to talk to him, i talked to him on a thursday and he did it on saturday. We grew up together until i was 14 when i went to live with my grandparents, and he stayed and lived with my mom. It was the hardest thing i have ever gone through it almost was the end of me. I hadnt seen him in a few years and we would always talk about visiting each other but never got around to it, i was always too busy, and figured i would see him at another christmas or thanksgiving, but that didnt happen, he even talked about moving down to the city and living with me cause kansas is so boring. One day i found myself on top of the new arena they built here thinkin of jumpin off, I blamed myself, and especially blamed my mom I didnt talk to her for 5 years after the funeral. I had to start seeing a counselor, i couldnt jump cause we had just adopted a 7yr old boy, and i had my wife to think about too. It took forever to accept, and to make matters worse about a year and a half after my bro did that my wifes big brother did the same thing, and it tore my emotional wound right back up, but i had to be strong for her. I think one of the worst things about it is the not knowing why, he was a junior in college, good looking, and had a bright future. I guess he had been out drinking and playing pool, then he and his girlfriend went back to his appt to watch a movie, she said he said he had to go pee, and got up went into the room and she heard the shot, it must have been a nightmare for her. Afterwards i would come home from work and start drinking heavily, eating oxy's and listening to songs about suicide, slumped into a deep depression, until my wife got so worried that she forced me to go to counseling, it really helped a lot. Every year on the anniversiary of the incident i usually end up crying and using a lot to help me cope, it just passed on 1/17, this year i forgot all about it, and that bothered me. anyways if u ever need anyone to talk to about it pm me and we can talk all u want to, i find that helps ease the pain a bit, i just never thought id outlive my little bro, it was supposed to be the other way around, he was the good kid, and i could tell that's what my mom was thinkin even though she didnt say it. anyways i aint gonna ramble on anymore pm me if u want now i need a good cry too.