Conquering addiction

[dieselbaby]

As many of the long-time posters here know, I made the decision a few days short of 6 months ago to get off of IV heroin and haven't looked back. It may sound full of myself to say this, but I feel like I've successfully beaten a heroin addiction. My views on 'addiction' and drug use have shifted to where I am now a believer that you are NOT an addict forever, and that you are able to conquer your demons with enough determination and hard work. I will NEVER do heroin again, or go back to doing any opiates, but that's just my personal choice. I know that if I go back to doing heroin or any opiates whatsoever even a ONE TIME use will eventually put me right back to where I was before, and I'd rather step in front of a fuckin' train than to ever go back there. I'm working hard to restructure my life in many different aspects, and opiate use simply does not coincide with a successful existence, in my personal situation.

Anyone here think it's possible to conquer an addiction? I don't mean to be getting ahead of myself here, because it's only been 6 months, but I am literally so REPULSED by the thought of heroin and especially IV drug usage that I could never go back. Please weigh in on this.

[nick]

Sure some folks get clean.Then again some don't,but if I were you I wouldn't tempt fate.

You're doing good,but be vigilante.

[Leave it ta Beaver]

Sure it's possible to beat an addiction, but I think you'll allway's have to work at it.

And becareful using any other drugs as replacment's because they can eventually lead you back to your d.o.c. after they don't do it for ya anymore!

Never say never, I do not nessecarlly blieve once an addict allway's one like n.a, but I do believe you'll allway's have an addicted personality to deal w/ wich in time could get easier,( but I've never been clean long enough toknow myself)

Anyway, Good luck to you instaying clean! I'm currentlly kicking a bad benzo. addiction an wound up in the e.r. sunday because I had a Bad siezure, wich was some scary shit for me & my mom/stepdad to go thru!!

[The_Highwayman]

I wish you all the best anbd hope that you are right and that the studies are wrong for you, but personally I don't believe that I'll ever truly cured from addiction...the reason I say this is that for me, as much as I stay away from heroin and drugs, there is something there to remind me...let me put it this way...before I knew about heroin, if my life got hard, spun out of control, shit happened I dealt with it the ways I knew how and usualy they weren't good but it didn't involve drugs, once I knew about heroin, if anything got bad, that's usually where my mind goes to cope...I DON'T cope by using that I use other more productive methods I haven't used before that I have learned, but it is still there as a solution that wasn't there before and I don't have crystal ball to see if it will ever go away....

[upstate_007]

First of all............congrats on the 6 months! Quite an accomplishment.

At one point I had over 10 years clean. At first I was feeling just like you are. I would do anything to keep from screwing up again. Then time passed by. Some of the bad memories fade in intensity.

I got back into the game because of legit health problems. Some vicodin here, a little percocet there. All for legit stuff. Of course I liked how it felt. But I told myself that I had to put that aside and concentrate on the medical aspect. That worked for a while.

Tolerance happened. The problem cleared up for a while. The use continued. I got my first taste of being dopesick in over a decade. I went back to the old standby of keeping things movin. That went on for a while to the extent of a 300+mg per day oxy usage. Not as much as quite a few on here, but still nothing to sneeze at.

So I kicked again. Almost 9 months ago. And I am in fucking pain every day from medical conditions, but I don't want to start back up again. I broke down a month or so ago and went to the ER. Literally got my choice of meds while there. Dilaudid IV and a fent patch to go please. I managed to stop it at that though. Still gritting my teeth a little.

Moral of the story.............. you are doing fucking great right now! Big fucking BRAVO for that! Just remain vigilant like Nick said. Sorry for rambling on like that.

[Restharrow]

Congrats on the good job!

Keep in mind that 6 months is a short time when dealing with drug addiction.

[Larkin]

Awesome DB, definitely awesome. I am in a similar situation but I can not take credit for getting clean. I had to move across the country to physically get away from it. You did good, REAL good, just keep it up.

As far as being an addict forever or not. I am not sure where i stand on that subject right now. Time will tell.

But one thing is for sure. DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF, IV heroin is gross, very gross, but dont downplay the situation and act like your not vulnerable. You are more than ever. I would talk myself into eating a few pills here and there and i always felt super guilty. when your physically addicted to heroin, the high and relief is enough to look past the guilt, even if you did something far worse than just get high. Just remember how powerful the drug is and don't cheat yourself by saying you can handle the drug, because it will get to a point where you cant. Heroin might repulse you, but what about vicodin, percs, oxies, dilaudid? and then when your tolerance goes back up to normally right about the time you start to get sick again. Guess what wont sound repulsive, but actually like a good idea, that icky heroin.

Stay on the same path you are on now. If you really did beat the addiction, prove it to yourself by staying away from all opis.

[SHELLEY]

Sure it's possible to beat an addiction, but I think you'll allway's have to work at it.


not necessarily
folks do coke and dope in my presence all the time, and i don't give a rat's ass about it
it's like shooting dope is like the 20 pounds of black eyeliner and KMFDM that i loved as a teenager
i thought i couldn't live without it, until i had to live without it,
and now i realize that living without it is actually better
i don't really "work at" shit, i'm just not a drug addict anymore

[oxy kid]

Awesome post diesel, always good to hear a good story. I'm glad your still on top of the game. I believe that we can conquer our addictions, but I do agree that its easy to fall back into things. I have a friend who is a prime example of the ability to overcome their addiction. I had a decently close friend who joined the marines, but before he joined, we was fairly bad off on hydros and oxys. He then got on bupe and successfully made it off. He stays clean, but when he comes home, we usually scoops up some for a night or two, and then its back to wherever he was before. I think that his access to things make it to where he really couldn't progress any further, but he did overcome the physical, everyday use.

But to each their own, everybody is different.

[dieselbaby]

it's like shooting dope is like the 20 pounds of black eyeliner and KMFDM that i loved as a teenager
i thought i couldn't live without it, until i had to live without it,
and now i realize that living without it is actually better

This is how I feel. Almost as if I am past that "stage of my life" and I am working to move on from it.

I appreciate all the responses and different viewpoints from everyone that has posted. I realize that I am still very new to being 'sober' (I should say, clean from opiates) and that I need to remain vigilant and remind myself of how bad it was. I am not going to try and delude myself into thinking that I would ever be able to do ANY kind of opioids again, whether it be fucking tramadol/codeine or some ultra-potent concentrated analogue of etorphine/fentanyl...I don't have the strength to put myself in that lifestyle again. A big part in this change of thinking for me is that I have become pretty disillusioned with the whole AA/NA/12-step thing, and there are a number of fundamental problems that I have with their whole 'program'. I live with people who are also 'in recovery' and since I relocated out here to California, the majority of people I hang out with are also people 'in recovery'. My 2 best friends here are a former H junky and a former OC addict. I understand and acknowledge how easy it is for people to slip up and how insidious this affliction can be, which is why I try to remind myself (and don't take this the wrong way, please) of how bad it got for me by coming to websites like Opiophile and Bluelight and reading about the ordeals and tribulations that others have suffered/are currently trudging through. It helps to 'put me in my place' by recalling my own painful memories from the deepest throes and struggles of my own addiction. Doing so allows me to remain alert in my own fight with these demons. I'd still love to hear more from anyone that wants to join in on this discussion, it might be a nice change of pace to engage in some more 'serious' conversation.

EDITED TO ADD: LOL@Shelley being an industrial/goth kid back in the day...:p

[Ludakris]

not necessarily
folks do coke and dope in my presence all the time, and i don't give a rat's ass about it
it's like shooting dope is like the 20 pounds of black eyeliner and KMFDM that i loved as a teenager
i thought i couldn't live without it, until i had to live without it,
and now i realize that living without it is actually better
i don't really "work at" shit, i'm just not a drug addict anymore


I don't know if that statement can ever be true...you're not a drug user anymore...but if you were an "addict" then you'll always be an "addict". If you were never truly an addict, and just a habitual drug user (yes, there's a difference) then that's something different completely.

An addict not using is still an addict, usually there is always some kind of replacement, from one thing to another (i.e. marijuana). this is why people in AA often drink massive amounts of coffee.

Just like when I quit using crystal, I started to smoke pot a lot more, in fact, almost any time I got a craving for it I would smoke a bowl. Weed always made me feel like I didn't need to do anything else, being high on pot was good enough. now that I'm on opiates, I don't smoke weed, pretty much at all (primarily because at my work they random drug test and it's not worth losing my job.) but when I started doing opi's daily, my craving for weed went to near nothing.

Point is, if you're an addict, then you're an addict...you can just turn it on and off (though I'm sure we all wish we could).

Back on topic-ish...congrats DD, 6 months is quite the run...hopefully it will be a year soon, then two, and so on. One of my biggest fears is quitting opi's for good...one, because I know how horrid my back pain is when off of them...and two, the depression is unbarable, 2 days feels like 2 months...hopefully someday I can quit, better sooner than later as I know all of a sudden it will be 20 years later and getting off this shit is going to be a lot harder.

[Larkin]

I don't know if that statement can ever be true...you're not a drug user anymore...but if you were an "addict" then you'll always be an "addict". If you were never truly an addict, and just a habitual drug user (yes, there's a difference) then that's something different completely.

An addict not using is still an addict, usually there is always some kind of replacement, from one thing to another (i.e. marijuana). this is why people in AA often drink massive amounts of coffee.

Just like when I quit using crystal, I started to smoke pot a lot more, in fact, almost any time I got a craving for it I would smoke a bowl. Weed always made me feel like I didn't need to do anything else, being high on pot was good enough. now that I'm on opiates, I don't smoke weed, pretty much at all (primarily because at my work they random drug test and it's not worth losing my job.) but when I started doing opi's daily, my craving for weed went to near nothing.

Point is, if you're an addict, then you're an addict...you can just turn it on and off (though I'm sure we all wish we could).

Back on topic-ish...congrats DD, 6 months is quite the run...hopefully it will be a year soon, then two, and so on. One of my biggest fears is quitting opi's for good...one, because I know how horrid my back pain is when off of them...and two, the depression is unbarable, 2 days feels like 2 months...hopefully someday I can quit, better sooner than later as I know all of a sudden it will be 20 years later and getting off this shit is going to be a lot harder.


That is obviously VERY debatable and for a very good reason. Everyone is different, everyones brain works differently, as well as there bodies. I had a friend who could do OC every day for months and when he stopped he had some very minor diarrhea. Was he not an addict?

I am not trying to argue my any means, you have a completely valid point. I now drink coffee every single day, if i dont i dont have the energy to work. I dont know if i would call it replacing one addiction with another though. Even though i have done that, and i have seen it done.

IMO... AA/NA are too much like a cult for my tastes. It does work very well for some people, so amen to that. Just not for me. I think if you are no longer addicted to something, your not an addict, for the most part. I used to think people used addictions as a scapegoat for doing bad things. Then i got hooked on heroin and did some very terrible things and I can not even begin to understand why. I dont steal or lie anymore for money. I didnt just stop doing that. I needed to get rid of the addiction.

If you were a former addict then i ABSOLUTELY believe you are far more vulnerable to becoming an addict again.

Also, i am not saying being physically dependant is the same as being an addict. I think being an addict is when the drug starts to seep more into the rest of your life. Like when you steal, lie, rob, sell shit, turn tricks... all for the drug. But if course even if you can afford your DOC without doing all that, and you have a small habit, you can still definitely be an addict.

When I tapered with subs, and I wasnt physically dependent, i was still addicted. I still looked for opis, I wouldn't turn them down if they were offered. Eventually that changed. Now I can and have denied drugs. Just as shelly said. I think when it gets to that point and you can conscientiously decide that you do not want to do the drug and you will not because you don't want to. That's when you are no longer an addict.

Of course this is all IMO, and doesn't mean much because like i said, everyone is different.

[clonaze-whammed]

As many of the long-time posters here know, I made the decision a few days short of 6 months ago to get off of IV heroin and haven't looked back. It may sound full of myself to say this, but I feel like I've successfully beaten a heroin addiction. My views on 'addiction' and drug use have shifted to where I am now a believer that you are NOT an addict forever, and that you are able to conquer your demons with enough determination and hard work. I will NEVER do heroin again, or go back to doing any opiates, but that's just my personal choice. I know that if I go back to doing heroin or any opiates whatsoever even a ONE TIME use will eventually put me right back to where I was before, and I'd rather step in front of a fuckin' train than to ever go back there. I'm working hard to restructure my life in many different aspects, and opiate use simply does not coincide with a successful existence, in my personal situation.

Anyone here think it's possible to conquer an addiction? I don't mean to be getting ahead of myself here, because it's only been 6 months, but I am literally so REPULSED by the thought of heroin and especially IV drug usage that I could never go back. Please weigh in on this.

congrats on 6 months!

have to say though you were one of the last people I thought would clean up, after reading all these mad posts where you're driving 20 hours cross country to score, some insane shit, made for good reading.

again, well done.

[LongKissGoodNite]

Cool man 6 months is definitely a good accomplishment! :)

All I could say is what many others have said - just say vigilant and keep an eye out for those little nagging excuses that make us go back to using again! When something goes wrong, work it out in a healthy way. I guess the hard part is learning how. Getting clean is always a little easier than staying that way ...

But I'm not trying to lecture, you know all this stuff, I think every addict whose been around the block does.

Good job again and good luck :)

And becareful using any other drugs as replacment's because they can eventually lead you back to your d.o.c. after they don't do it for ya anymore!

Yes, especially alcohol. When I drink, I start thinking really bad thoughts almost immediately. Its the one drug that will cause my judgement (and many others) to go completely out the window! I have stayed away for quite a while now.

[chopstix]

First off congrats, hopefully you'll be one of the ones who never does look back.

Never say never though, the worst thing you could do is get complacent about it, it can start all over with a couple extra vicodin and then ten years will go by. Not everyone slips that hard for that long, but the point is to remember where you came from.

And for me for the first 3 major relapses, shit got MUCH MUCH MUCH worse on every one; I did dope for ten years before I saw, what was to me, a *real* bottom...

Addiction is a disease of thought, and those thought patterns can kick back in right quick..

[Suboxstitute]

I know that if I go back to doing heroin or any opiates whatsoever even a ONE TIME use will eventually put me right back to where I was before, and I'd rather step in front of a fuckin' train than to ever go back there. I'm working hard to restructure my life in many different aspects, and opiate use simply does not coincide with a successful existence, in my personal situation.

Anyone here think it's possible to conquer an addiction? I don't mean to be getting ahead of myself here, because it's only been 6 months, but I am literally so REPULSED by the thought of heroin and especially IV drug usage that I could never go back. Please weigh in on this.

First off, six months can feel like a lifetime w/o drugs, so definitely congratulations for that. Sounds like you did it yourself, without MMT or sub. So you don't have one of THOSE moneys to get off your back.

Also congrats for working to get your life "restructured" in a better direction. That is the key.

Yes, I do think it's possible. People have done it. People I know from my sub group have done it - they had the assistance of sub but they did get off. I'm hoping to join that club soon; I've used the time on sub to really think about why i got addicted in the first place.

So - don't get complacent (and think you can do it "just this once") since you can't. You just can't. You have to have INCREDIBLE resolve, and try to stay away from your using friends (and sometimes at the start that's al you have.

I know the stats - relapse rates are HIGH (80%?) no matter whether stopping was done with a replacement med or not. But why not be one of the percentage that doesn't relapse. Let that be your challenge. To be one of the 20% (I am using very rough numbers).

Be proud of what you did/sounds like you just said "it's time". I's a cliché but take one day at a time. One foot in front of the other, (and not walking to the dealers's to score!)

The MIND is a powerful thing. Use it to your advantage when you have cravings or are in a situation where drugs are being used. I wasnt strong enough to do it on my own; I tried. I didn't have an H habit
just pills.

GOOD LUCK

Sue

[SHELLEY]

I don't know if that statement can ever be true...you're not a drug user anymore...but if you were an "addict" then you'll always be an "addict". If you were never truly an addict, and just a habitual drug user (yes, there's a difference) then that's something different completely.


if you knew me when i was an addict, there really wasn't a debate as to whether or not i was an addict
but i am no longer an addict, and i believe that with all of my heart
like, here's the way i think of it:
imagine if i weighed 350 pounds, i would be "obese" right?
but then let's say over the course of a year or so, i lost all the weight and got to 130
i'm no longer obsese, i would be an "ex-obese person"
that doesn't mean that i could never become obese all over again, starting with cheesecake
(just like i could easily become an addict again, starting with cocaine)
but if i weigh 130 pounds, it doesn't matter what i weighed before, i am NOT obese
and if i don't do drugs or care to do drugs, it doesn't matter what a big book says, i am NOT an addict

[nick]

if you knew me when i was an addict, there really wasn't a debate as to whether or not i was an addict
but i am no longer an addict, and i believe that with all of my heart
like, here's the way i think of it:
imagine if i weighed 350 pounds, i would be "obese" right?
but then let's say over the course of a year or so, i lost all the weight and got to 130
i'm no longer obsese, i would be an "ex-obese person"
that doesn't mean that i could never become obese all over again, starting with cheesecake
(just like i could easily become an addict again, starting with cocaine)
but if i weigh 130 pounds, it doesn't matter what i weighed before, i am NOT obese
and if i don't do drugs or care to do drugs, it doesn't matter what a big book says, i am NOT an addict

To be honest Shelley,I'm not sure about you.You didn't use for long,but then again,you haven't been drug free long either.I'd need to know you personally to make the call.

Oh and personally,I believe it's quite possible to be drug free for years and still be an addict because I regard being an addict as a state of mind,a way of seeing the world and reacting to it.It's like a kinda value system.

I'd also like to say I'm happy you're drug free and happy and I hope your happiness continues.

[HistoryofMadness]

i didn't read any of the threads, but all i have to say is that conquering addiction is like conquering the drug problem itself... it can be managed, but it will be a give and take, win lose whatever, and you'll never find a medium.

just a temporary exchange.

you gotta pay to play.

[Duckfeet]

Best wishes to the OP, and some people do stay off heroin for life...supposedly, most vietnam vets who came home, many years ago, who were strung out over there, got off it, and stayed off it.

All I have is my own experience, and my own weird way of seeing the world, but in any case, you mustn't let other people's failures in this--or any area--dishearten you. Good luck to you....

[duck]

if you knew me when i was an addict, there really wasn't a debate as to whether or not i was an addict
but i am no longer an addict, and i believe that with all of my heart
like, here's the way i think of it:
imagine if i weighed 350 pounds, i would be "obese" right?
but then let's say over the course of a year or so, i lost all the weight and got to 130
i'm no longer obsese, i would be an "ex-obese person"
that doesn't mean that i could never become obese all over again, starting with cheesecake
(just like i could easily become an addict again, starting with cocaine)
but if i weigh 130 pounds, it doesn't matter what i weighed before, i am NOT obese
and if i don't do drugs or care to do drugs, it doesn't matter what a big book says, i am NOT an addict

Yeah but the formally obese person has loose skin and stretch marks forever -- as does the former junkie, unfortunately it's a hat one can take off as many times as they want but they'll wear it forever IMO

[SHELLEY]

what is it that makes someone a drug addict then?
what are the, i hate using this disease-related word, "symptoms"?
i don't use, i don't crave, i don't have drug dreams, i don't rationalize "one more use" or whatever
i don't *compulsively* shop/smoke cigs/drink coffee/etc
i smoke pot, but i've always smoked pot for like 11 years now
and daily smoking doesn't take over my life the way that daily drug use does
which is why for me, pot isn't a drug because i don't use it like a drug

so, what makes a person an addict besides their past behaviors?

[wisegal]

i dont think that Shelly is an addict anymore. Not the way she is putting it.

congratulations DB.

[samsong]

I really don't understand why anyone would continue to call themseves an addict if they are no longer using and have broken the addiction (and I just mean in a general sense here, not referring to you DB, just making a general statement). If someone quits smoking cigarettes, and are no longer addicted, would they still call themselves a smoker? Where is the difference when it comes to alcohol or narcotics--I mean you are either using and addicted, or you are not using and no longer addicted.

I think it is potentially more damaging to the recovery process by continuing to refer to one's self as an addict if you are no longer truly addicted--it is just admitting defeat by labelling yourself as an addict when you have been clean for an extended period of time--just seems very negative to me (and again not referring to the OP, I know this whole labelling thing comes form 12 steps and such, and I know AA/NA admins think it is helpful to continue to use the label, but I just really don't agree with it).

I mean how does an alcoholic truly put their alcoholism behind them, and be proud of themselves for defeating the disease if they are supposed to still label themselves as an alcoholic after years of not having a drink?

Anyway, the important thing for dieselbaby is that 6 months clean--wow--that is huge man, and thank you for sharing the great news. I don't have any real advice but just want to say you should be proud, and just keeping looking forward. These success stories from members here is more inspirational than anything else I cna think of, so thanks again.

[AnitaFix]

Good for you man, My best was lil under a month in rehab & I convinced myself to buy onelastfix when I got out. It made me so sick. Thats what they told us - when you relapse it will not be a good experience.

I understand why some take up the NA mentality & continue refering to selves & others as addicts long after they quit. I guess its like knowing where the sex offenders live, the permananent record - they may strike again. Idon't know, not something i would argue is right, just like NA is not for all.

Two peices of good advice is to make sure to keep on top of recovery once you get past all the PAWS etc,. & start letting the guard down because thats when you can start rationalising ways to use again. I love my life once more so why not make it better with a fix, or like you can handle it now that you are sober (like that skit with Tom Waits from 'Coffee& Cigarettes' - now that I quit smoking I can have one) or like I did just to see how terrible this thing you left behind really is..

Another is to do it for yourself & ofcourse fill the downtime with something useful. I realised my life is shit & I hate my house etc,. everyone says exercise, for me its recording music. But def. the top thing is taking care of yourself for yourself & having it be your own decision. Not to trick someone loved one like I've done so many times. Im in this predicament right now, I quit for my gf because we'r at the end of the rope now & i will lose my love to this shit (which she is also giving up)..anyway I know a lot of people have done this they will have lapses of sobriety when someone is there to impress. you know If an addict fixes in the woods & noone's around to see it..