I LOVE HEROIN!/I HATE HEROIN!

[Maintenance Man]

Even though I'm not using right now, and I'm on suboxone, I sure wish I was. I long for that hit, that warm, itchy rush... I long to be wrapped in God's Warmest Blanket.. but failing all else:


HEY, AT LEAST IT'S NOT WEED!

[Michael]

Oh Yeah! I just scored after a few days of drought here, I spent two days and nights hanging with my friend/middleman doing whatever crap was around, til yesterday where I went out and scored a weeks supply of the good stuff. ah bliss

I liken the rush to being dipped in a spa pool, with mental healing properties

[Maintenance Man]

I liken the rush to how great you once thought an orgasm was, and what one seems like now after you've shot up.

PURE FUCKING INTENSITY, DEFINED BY INTENSITY!

[Morfiend]

Heroin doesn't love you back :party-smi

[chopstix]

I liken the rush to how great you once thought an orgasm was, and what one seems like now after you've shot up.


Sooo.... I'm guessing you've never had *really* good sex? I've had really good shots of dope, and perfect speedballs; and heroin doesn't compare. I guess it's about how much you're into your partner, and how much they're into you..

If the chemistry is right, drugs don't compare..

Glad you found the HEROIN forum though.. Now you can rant all you want about the beloved heroin and not step into other forums and bag on people who happen to like different chemicals and pastimes.

Welcome to opiophile :rolleyes:

[Duckfeet]

Heroin's fun, but it takes more than it gives...and you pay and pay.

[RxQueen]

Sooo.... I'm guessing you've never had *really* good sex? I've had really good shots of dope, and perfect speedballs; and heroin doesn't compare. I guess it's about how much you're into your partner, and how much they're into you..

If the chemistry is right, drugs don't compare..

Glad you found the HEROIN forum though.. Now you can rant all you want about the beloved heroin and not step into other forums and bag on people who happen to like different chemicals and pastimes.

Welcome to opiophile :rolleyes:

+1 to all, but especially the part i bolded. damn, i love a good shot of dope, but sex.... here's hopin' i never ever ever EVER have to kick that habit! :p

[Maintenance Man]

Every woman I've ever found takes more than she gives, too. Maybe not to the extent of heroin, but the cost is surely a function of the degree of pleasure provided?

Heroin, for me, is by far, far and away, bar none, times ten ten thousand, the best feeling in the world - it is the best feeling possible. But all of the bullshit scoring, vein problems, money problems, health problems, time problems, trying to stay well, kicking problems, make it not worth while after long enough. But.. it's hard to remember the bad times when my addiction is doing the remembering.

I would say I've had good sex, except, in the view of the average male population, I'm weird as fuck: I'm just not into sex; shit, back when I was a pot smoker, I liked weed better than sex. The chemistry isn't there between me and sex itself, nevermind the partner. I know plenty of junkies who share my view; and plenty who share yours, chopstix. For me, sex is work. I need to keep my woman happy. I have the best chemistry with her I have ever had with another person, and it still is work. I'm not a fan of the closeness. I'm not a fan of the feeling. I guess it's like hallucinogens. I'm a person who doesn't "let go," even to that extent. So, you could say, it is impossible for me to feel 'chemistry' with another person - only devotion, or love, or loyalty, or a will to please, etc. - non inclusive of the "lust" or "chemistry" that is generally added into the equation, and nomenclature, of "love." I didn't have much of it in me before drugs. I have as little to none as possible left in me after, to still be willing to engage in the act.

Drugs just seem like much less hassle for much more pleasure; less emotional discomfort. A drug will never cheat on me, a drug will never deny me. I don't have to open up to a drug. I don't have to make it happy. A drug will never lie to me. A drug has no past. All sex is complicated by these things for me; I am a person incapable of viewing it as a solely physical pursuit. Everything negative that occurs because of a drug, I can blame on myself - and that sits well with me. It's all my fault when it comes to drugs. When I get to blaming other people, shit gets ugly. Fast.

Drugs and sex are truly inextricable in my mind. They are the two sides of the coin that is hedonism.

But for me, heroin, the very solitude of it, is something that sex can never compare to. The concrete, quantifiable pleasure that can be measured is something my mind demands. The fact it can return you to the best feeling of your life at will is something that nothing else can come close to doing. I can see why it would be sex for you; you're of a completely different psychological and genetic makeup than me. But can you see why it's heroin for me?

[chopstix]

Drugs and sex are truly inextricable in my mind. They are the two sides of the coin that is hedonism.

But for me, heroin, the very solitude of it, is something that sex can never compare to. The concrete, quantifiable pleasure that can be measured is something my mind demands. The fact it can return you to the best feeling of your life at will is something that nothing else can come close to doing. I can see why it would be sex for you; you're of a completely different psychological and genetic makeup than me. But can you see why it's heroin for me?

Hedonism takes many forms aside from sex and drugs. I consider myself a hedonist - it can be hot spring water, E on the beach, sex in a motel, crack in an alley, the half grain of morphine I just injected.

I understand how people can put H over sex, but I always have to wonder how much H and subsequent misery they've experienced, and how much they've *really* loved..

I used to think heroin was everything, then I grew up.

[Duckfeet]

Once you've kicked, *hard*, time and time again, it's more difficult to get too excited about the good physical shit heroin brings on...and, in my experience, the best heroin rush is when you are sick...and being sick is wretched...and I never thought it was anything like an orgasm...not really...I know when that idiot wrote that book and compared it to an orgasm multiplied by a million, but I actually read up a bit on him, and I'm not sure he was in this life long enough to know what heroin takes and gives.

I've loved more than one woman, good and bad, and never did they get me as physically sick and depressed for days on end, as heroin did...and no love I ever had, and I've had true love, could stand up very well to a full-blown heroin habit...(the girl always lost) and I was strungout at my worst in the days of AIDS, when whole wards of hospitals in Los Angeles had people who looked like they had been in concentration camps, dying of AIDS: terrible shit...

So I'm afraid I know not just what heroin does for me, but what it also does to me, and just how hard it is to escape its clutches, once you are in them...it's just a huge addiction which clouded and consumed my life...do I love it? I don't even think about it anymore in those kinds of terms...it's like existence itself, beyond description: tragic and unpitying.

[Maintenance Man]

I've loved more than one woman, good and bad, and never did they get me as physically sick and depressed for days on end, as heroin did...and no love I ever had, and I've had true love, could stand up very well to a full-blown heroin habit...(the girl always lost)

So I'm afraid I know not just what heroin does for me, but what it also does to me, and just how hard it is to escape its clutches, once you are in them...it's just a huge addiction which clouded and consumed my life...do I love it? I don't even think about it anymore in those kinds of terms...it's like existence itself, beyond description: tragic and unpitying.

I've been in the life for over ten years now, but I'm a slow learner. I'm just beginning to realize what it does to me, and you're completely right about the best shot being when you're sick... as Burroughs said, Junk isn't like weed or acid, it isn't a means to enjoyment of life, it is a life in itself, or something like that..

But if the balance ever changes. Nothing every made me happy, or makes me happy, before, after, or during heroin except for other opiates. Love has never done it for me. The girl always fucks up some way, and lies, or cheats, or steals, or has a history, or demands too much, so on and so forth.. I'm one of the people, I consider myself one of the people with a endogenous endorphin deficiency. I never had a minute of "fun" before dope, if you could even call dope "fun".. it's something completely different.. The women never got me sick, but they never got me happy, either.. love, I've fallen in love.. I try to avoid it.. in the end, it caught me anyways.. but at times it's a miserable feeling for me. I don't like the closeness, etc., etc.. the solitude of dope is wonderful

I'm worried. What is there left for me in this world except misery, if not misery and dope? and dope causing misery, and alleviating it?

I'm in one of my maintenance cycles right now, which gives me more time to philosophize on the matter. I'm only 28 years old, but I've kicked and kicked and maintained and tapered.. it's a fatal romance. I have a feeling bordering on love for the dope, and hatred, pure hatred: a love/hate relationship. I relate, and speak of opiates in human terms, and, as I said earlier...

It's so hard to remember the bad times when my addiction is doing the remembering.

And as Yoda said,

Once you touch the dark side, forever will it affect your destiny.

Long live and God bless, and good luck to everyone out there. We're all gonna need it.

[The_Highwayman]

I've been in the life for over ten years now, but I'm a slow learner. I'm just beginning to realize what it does to me, and you're completely right about the best shot being when you're sick... as Burroughs said, Junk isn't like weed or acid, it isn't a means to enjoyment of life, it is a life in itself, or something like that..

But if the balance ever changes. Nothing every made me happy, or makes me happy, before, after, or during heroin except for other opiates. Love has never done it for me. The girl always fucks up some way, and lies, or cheats, or steals, or has a history, or demands too much, so on and so forth.. I'm one of the people, I consider myself one of the people with a endogenous endorphin deficiency. I never had a minute of "fun" before dope, if you could even call dope "fun".. it's something completely different.. The women never got me sick, but they never got me happy, either.. love, I've fallen in love.. I try to avoid it.. in the end, it caught me anyways.. but at times it's a miserable feeling for me. I don't like the closeness, etc., etc.. the solitude of dope is wonderful

I'm worried. What is there left for me in this world except misery, if not misery and dope? and dope causing misery, and alleviating it?

I'm in one of my maintenance cycles right now, which gives me more time to philosophize on the matter. I'm only 28 years old, but I've kicked and kicked and maintained and tapered.. it's a fatal romance. I have a feeling bordering on love for the dope, and hatred, pure hatred: a love/hate relationship. I relate, and speak of opiates in human terms, and, as I said earlier...

It's so hard to remember the bad times when my addiction is doing the remembering.

And as Yoda said,

Once you touch the dark side, forever will it affect your destiny.

Long live and God bless, and good luck to everyone out there. We're all gonna need it.


Didn't the prosecutor say that in the Michael Jackson trial??

[chopstix]

I'm worried. What is there left for me in this world except misery, if not misery and dope? and dope causing misery, and alleviating it?



You should be worried. 28yo and enamored in dope means you (likely) have a lot of loneliness and misery in front of you. Dope is a slow lie. Hate to break it to ya, but my emotional relationships have far outweighed the long term experiences I've had with opiates. I'd trade it all back in a heartbeat for a good woman..

Typically what I remember, looking back on runs, is being sick. When I look back on relationships, I tend to remember the good..

[Duckfeet]

Oh, I hear you, and god knows I've felt the same way...and I've had terrible relationships with women, too, but in hindsight, I realize they loved me and took care of me, but fuck, they were human beings and mostly strungout themselves or way fucked up by me being strungout...

And look: I've loved heroin more than dirt, but after kicking so hard, I'd just wonder why so much of my life had been given to this thing...and I've no answer: I just know how hard it can get, when everything else, and the dream of anything else, is gone, and all that's left is some miserable relentless habit. Heroin's there long after the girls and drama are gone...

I kind of thought heroin was going to show me a dark side of life, too, but it became my fucking life, and I was no longer just an interested observer anymore, but junk itself had taken over everything...

So I get it...I just sometimes wish I didn't, that maybe I'd traveled more and loved more and done more...and chased dope less...but there you are: we don't get second chances...

I've been in the life for over ten years now, but I'm a slow learner. I'm just beginning to realize what it does to me, and you're completely right about the best shot being when you're sick... as Burroughs said, Junk isn't like weed or acid, it isn't a means to enjoyment of life, it is a life in itself, or something like that..

But if the balance ever changes. Nothing every made me happy, or makes me happy, before, after, or during heroin except for other opiates. Love has never done it for me. The girl always fucks up some way, and lies, or cheats, or steals, or has a history, or demands too much, so on and so forth.. I'm one of the people, I consider myself one of the people with a endogenous endorphin deficiency. I never had a minute of "fun" before dope, if you could even call dope "fun".. it's something completely different.. The women never got me sick, but they never got me happy, either.. love, I've fallen in love.. I try to avoid it.. in the end, it caught me anyways.. but at times it's a miserable feeling for me. I don't like the closeness, etc., etc.. the solitude of dope is wonderful

I'm worried. What is there left for me in this world except misery, if not misery and dope? and dope causing misery, and alleviating it?

I'm in one of my maintenance cycles right now, which gives me more time to philosophize on the matter. I'm only 28 years old, but I've kicked and kicked and maintained and tapered.. it's a fatal romance. I have a feeling bordering on love for the dope, and hatred, pure hatred: a love/hate relationship. I relate, and speak of opiates in human terms, and, as I said earlier...

It's so hard to remember the bad times when my addiction is doing the remembering.

And as Yoda said,

Once you touch the dark side, forever will it affect your destiny.

Long live and God bless, and good luck to everyone out there. We're all gonna need it.

[Maintenance Man]

You should be worried. 28yo and enamored in dope means you (likely) have a lot of loneliness and misery in front of you. Dope is a slow lie. Hate to break it to ya, but my emotional relationships have far outweighed the long term experiences I've had with opiates. I'd trade it all back in a heartbeat for a good woman..

Typically what I remember, looking back on runs, is being sick. When I look back on relationships, I tend to remember the good..

Then your addiction tends to be towards relationships, methinks.

When I look back on runs, I remember the thrill and joy of getting well, getting a good batch, nodding off to an endless stream of shitty films or television, etc.

When I look back on relationships, I remember the cheating, lies, breakups, hurt, stealing, bullshit, attention, fighting, fighting off other guys, not meeting standards insofar as I don't socialize, and women tend to do this a lot, clubs and shit.. I don't do, jealousy, etc.

And herein lay the difference between you and I. I'd trade in every relationship I ever had, or could have for an infinite supply of dope if that was possible. I'm not necessarily proud, nor ashamed of this. It's just who I am. Emotional satisfaction has never really come to me through other people. Nor through dope for that matter. It's just that the dope does a hell of a lot better job of covering that up.

Heroin is the dark side, and it is life - it is all-consuming. It showed me the dark side of life then I became consumed by it. But I really don't wish I had done anything else - I never really liked anything else enough to do it. Travelling, loving, all of these things that sober people love so much, and junkies wish they could have done, hold no allure to me.. they are just the definition of exercises in tedium to me. I imagine looking back on a life-long relationship and saying the same thing: "why did I devote so much time to this shit, for so little reward?" but for heroin, the reward is immediate. And it actually has a reward, which I never found in love, or in any of the other countless things I'll refrain from attempting to list here..

I guess you could say I'm antisocial, and anhedonic. My job required lots of socialization: I was a consultant; the definition of socialization. And I was damn good. But it was for work, and not for pleasure: I couldn't stand it, even though I was good at it. It was for a reward: money. Money for drugs. Not for other shit, not for a nice car or a place in a nice area. Living like a poor man with the income of the rich, blowing the intermediate on drugs. Now that I'm on maintenance, I have no get up and go. I get a check, since according to the gov't, addiction is a disability. It's enough for rent, utilities, good internet, food and scripts. What else do I need? Why would I work, when everything I need is there, with a little left over? My motivation to work was to make money to feed a monkey: to make tons of money to feed a gorilla. Now that the motivation is gone, nothing else seems worth half the effort, because, at best, I won't give a fuck about the reward. As long as I have my apartment, internet, food, and scripts.

One day I'll need to face all this. I think the day is drawing nigh, which is why I'm preoccupied with it. I think this is my last run, now that I'm on suboxone, all this shit is coming out of the woodwork and all of the shit that made me fall in love with heroin is reasserting itself. I like the stability, but I also, in a twisted way, like the ups and downs of using.. but I don't think I could handle it again. I probably spent more time sick than well. With my willpower, my tolerance skyrockets to no end. The stress gets to be too fucking great while using, and the drama, and bullshit. I think finally I've crossed the line, where I think it's better to face myself than get strung out again.

But no man knows what the future holds.

[Seedy]

...One day I'll need to face all this. I think the day is drawing nigh, which is why I'm preoccupied with it. I think this is my last run, now that I'm on suboxone, all this shit is coming out of the woodwork and all of the shit that made me fall in love with heroin is reasserting itself. I like the stability, but I also, in a twisted way, like the ups and downs of using.. but I don't think I could handle it again. I probably spent more time sick than well. With my willpower, my tolerance skyrockets to no end. The stress gets to be too fucking great while using, and the drama, and bullshit. I think finally I've crossed the line, where I think it's better to face myself than get strung out again.

But no man knows what the future holds.

^^ good luck with that bro, i'm kind of at the same point, in terms of facing up to reality.

[Nu Jerzey Devil]

Is it just me, or have a lot of people (maybe just the n00bs, not trying to pick on, anyone just observing) been equating heroin/opioids to a best friend or something similar. I agree with the OP, yes the stuff makes you feel amazing and of course we all know this is a chemical induced feeling, an illusion if you will, but it is a drug, a chemical all the same nothing more and nothing less. I wish people would stop calling the drug their best friend, or their one true love in life and shit like that. For starters it's sad, and two: it's a fucking chemical, not a lover, not a best friend, not some devine force. I will not deny that it is a powerful chemical, but it only has as much power as we allow it too (well at first anyway). Sorry for the rant, but I just had to get this off of my chest, maybe it's just me or maybe this phenomenon is nothing new, but yea... there it is.

[Duckfeet]

When you get off heroin, it's real easy to start thinking of this drug, and romanticize what was really a hellish habit you were trying to escape, else why go on subs in the first place? I'd like to see somebody in the middle of a full blown heroin habit, start a thread about how they love heroin...it wouldn't make any sense...

On here, most longterm addicts make the best of what is a very tough tenacious addiction, plain and simple...but "love it?" Only until it is too late...

[OpiateQueen]

I have been on methadone maintenance for 3 years and haven't used at all for 2 years. And i LOVED heroin - like everyone does - butit does really suck that you tend to remember the good things and romanticise it when you are clean. I want to start a thread on here for people to write some of the worst things that have happened to them while using - cos it gets a little annoying/sad reading all the posts like pics of gear, heroin scene, etc and all these posts about great gear - it makes you really miss it and thinking 'maybe it wasnt' that bad...'
I miss the relief. That total, absolute, nothing compares relief of getting a shot when you need one. And nodding off and smoking, it just made ANYTHING fun. But a lot of the things, like the relief, which i love, are only really good and possible when you are a full on addict. So i try and remember that - cos i definitely DON"T want to go back to a full time user.
Anyway i will start that thread tomorrow i think. I have a couple of terrible things i can put down, and it would be great to read others - to remind me of why I'm on this road and that its not worth going back to - rather than talking it up like many of the posts..

[Nu Jerzey Devil]

Hey Opiate Queen, I am not sure if your idea has been done already or not ( I have never seen a thread related to what you describe, but it couldn't hurt to do a search first just to make sure.... you know how some people are about that :cool:) but I think that would be a terrific idea! I know the majority of people on this board will have some pretty good stuff to say which would be incredibly useful for people who are new to opioids or people who are struggling to stay clean. Hell, I could see it being a great reality check for those whose' habits are getting out of control at the moment ( guilty as charged :o).

I would tell us exactly why you are posting a thread like that too, don't want to post it without explaining, you could kill someones buzz that way! hahaha, just kidding. Anyway if you start that thread, i'll throw ya some rep.

[nick]

Hey Opiate Queen, I am not sure if your idea has been done already or not ( I have never seen a thread related to what you describe, but it couldn't hurt to do a search first just to make sure.... you know how some people are about that :cool:) but I think that would be a terrific idea! I know the majority of people on this board will have some pretty good stuff to say which would be incredibly useful for people who are new to opioids or people who are struggling to stay clean. Hell, I could see it being a great reality check for those whose' habits are getting out of control at the moment ( guilty as charged :o).

I would tell us exactly why you are posting a thread like that too, don't want to post it without explaining, you could kill someones buzz that way! hahaha, just kidding. Anyway if you start that thread, i'll throw ya some rep.

Yeah,many moons ago we did something very similar,but it was such a long time ago that if you wanted to find and resurrect that thread or start a new thread I doubt anyone would mind.

However,some of us have done some pretty dark things when desperate and aren't comfy talking about them.Still,some might like the chance to unburden themselves.

[Raisin]

What Would Yoda Do?

[Duckfeet]

I figure that's pretty much what the whole site is about, or at least a lot of threads are: I love oxys, I hate oxys, I love methadone, I hate methadone, etc...many threads are similar: either people getting all rhapsodic about the wonders of some opiate or another...or bitterly denouncing the same, and how horrible their life has become...usually the same poster ha ha... *tons* of threads in this vein already, IMO, hell, I've probably started a few...well, I know I wrote once about how wonderful coffee enemas were...kind of lame, that's the main thread I remember ;)

Yeah,many moons ago we did something very similar,but it was such a long time ago that if you wanted to find and resurrect that thread or start a new thread I doubt anyone would mind.

However,some of us have done some pretty dark things when desperate and aren't comfy talking about them.Still,some might like the chance to unburden themselves.

[StackBundles]

Well, I have made a few of those posts about how great the dope is lately, but, in all honesty, and as I have said before...

I really, really, fucking hate this shit... *As I draw up a fat shot*

The only time I truly love it is when it is actually crossing the blood brain barrier, beyond that I loathe the shit, and am angry that I didn't get out of the way of the train, when I knew it's schedule, and that it is always on time. Even worse, is that sometimes, sometimes, it's the moment of impact that makes me forget, and tell myself that all of the misery and pain is worth it, cause hey, some of us would have no problem being layed up in a hospitol bed as long as we get that occasional shot of dilaudid, right?

[Duckfeet]

That's exactly what started this last run for me...but after a week, I hated that too...and left the hospital...my junky memory just doesn't work all that good: because once I realized I couldn't kick, and began the whole mdone/sub/tar merry-go-round, I realized I was back in the nightmare again, and could not find my way out for a long time...so no matter *what* part of the junky ladder I'm on: clean, loaded, kicking...I end up wishing I was somewhere else...sometimes, after a year or so off the shit, I have found myself happy, I guess like non-junkies are...not missing a bit of it...seeing the totality of it's ruin of my life...but that spot can be hard to get to, and often when I'm there, I start loosing my vigilance ...I try to be easy on myself, and others, who tend to drift around...the monkey is tenacious...

Well, I have made a few of those posts about how great the dope is lately, but, in all honesty, and as I have said before...

I really, really, fucking hate this shit... *As I draw up a fat shot*

The only time I truly love it is when it is actually crossing the blood brain barrier, beyond that I loathe the shit, and am angry that I didn't get out of the way of the train, when I knew it's schedule, and that it is always on time. Even worse, is that sometimes, sometimes, it's the moment of impact that makes me forget, and tell myself that all of the misery and pain is worth it, cause hey, some of us would have no problem being layed up in a hospitol bed as long as we get that occasional shot of dilaudid, right?

[SHELLEY]

when i was on dope, i loved it about 85% of the time
when i started with "i hate dope" it wasn't dope that i hated
it was the fact that no one would answer their fucking phone and sell me any

[StackBundles]

That's exactly what started this last run for me...but after a week, I hated that too...and left the hospital...my junky memory just doesn't work all that good: because once I realized I couldn't kick, and began the whole mdone/sub/tar merry-go-round, I realized I was back in the nightmare again, and could not find my way out for a long time...so no matter *what* part of the junky ladder I'm on: clean, loaded, kicking...I end up wishing I was somewhere else...sometimes, after a year or so off the shit, I have found myself happy, I guess like non-junkies are...not missing a bit of it...seeing the totality of it's ruin of my life...but that spot can be hard to get to, and often when I'm there, I start loosing my vigilance ...I try to be easy on myself, and others, who tend to drift around...the monkey is tenacious...

Same fucking problem here. I was out a year and a half ago. Kicked C/T in jail. Was straight for a month. Got out of jail, walked two blocks and scored some dilly 8's... Haha. But!!! I managed it for a while, about six to eight months chipping, no getting sick, maybe the occassional sleepless, sweaty night, but nothing too terrible... Fuck, now I'm fucked again.

Hopefully, I can manage my planned(eventually) Suboxone taper sometime soon. I been using this shit too long to avoid withdrawals when I don't have dope and I think it's got it's hooks into me. On a more positive note, my little brother kicked a year and a half bupe habit with seemingly no problem... So, I am hoping that the same goes for me. We shall see.

[Restharrow]

How old are you? Now that I am old, I prefer drugs to sex.

When I was young, there was no comparison to drugs and sex with a lover who was 100% in love and anxious for sex.

Welcome to opio!

Will

[Ickyuck]

Heroin's fun, but it takes more than it gives..


Amen, brother.

[duck]

Is it just me, or have a lot of people (maybe just the n00bs, not trying to pick on, anyone just observing) been equating heroin/opioids to a best friend or something similar. I agree with the OP, yes the stuff makes you feel amazing and of course we all know this is a chemical induced feeling, an illusion if you will, but it is a drug, a chemical all the same nothing more and nothing less. I wish people would stop calling the drug their best friend, or their one true love in life and shit like that. For starters it's sad, and two: it's a fucking chemical, not a lover, not a best friend, not some devine force. I will not deny that it is a powerful chemical, but it only has as much power as we allow it too (well at first anyway). Sorry for the rant, but I just had to get this off of my chest, maybe it's just me or maybe this phenomenon is nothing new, but yea... there it is.

So you're saying heroin in and of itself, cannot be compared to a friendship? Because heroin, a chemical, produces pseudo-simulated feelings and euphoria? So it's an inherently bad thing when taken too often?

If this is true...should a CP'r who has to take her medicine every four hours or would be hurting feel as if her life is an entire illusion, because it is a drug that allows her to experience the life she has in the way she does. She should hate the stuff she is on?

It's the only answer for her problems -- strong opiates. The rest of us are simply doing the same thing. Something about our life, whether endogenous or exogenous, makes us want to feel different. The only way that works for many of us is strong opioids-- often heroin.

What is the fundamental difference between addicts and CP'rs? We both need opiates to enjoy our lives, so we are both dependent on them....they support our lives, they're there when nobody else is, they make us feel happy...even if we're simply putting off going into pain, we still believe the net benefit from the drug is better than the net negative -- just like our CPr...she wishes she didn't need them, but she does, and so she makes the best of it.

We can do the same. It's not the dope, its the addiction and failure to manage responsibly. A CPr is forced to manage properly, and the drug works and doesn't destroy her life. We could do the same, though we almost always don't....a la junkie. It doesn't have to be that way, though.

sorry, /rant off

[BlackMax]

I. . .Anyway i will start that thread tomorrow i think. I have a couple of terrible things i can put down, and it would be great to read others - to remind me of why I'm on this road and that its not worth going back to - rather than talking it up like many of the posts..

Hello all, haven't been on in quite some time. Kind of browsing and just seeing what everyone is up to. For your first post on your new thread, Queen, I'd love to just say, for everyone that is on the road to success and believes its not worth going back to - you are truly blessed to have found this road of sanity before it KILLED YOU, LIKE IT DID MY FUTURE SON-IN-LAW. Peace to all of you.

[OpiateQueen]

Ok. So i decided to start my thread... I haven't been on this site for long, but as i've said, i've pretty much only read about how great smack is and alot of reminiscing about the' good ol times' etc etc. And I've been clean bar methadone for over 2 years and it sort of makes me....angry, or jealous... I dunno - but i would like to read some bad experiences again to get things back in perspective.

It doesn't have to be bad stuff like ripping off your parents or crimes etc that people not comfy admitting or talking about - I'll give you a different example:

I was quite sick and had a really bad habit... I had to do full days work that day so really needed some gear... Managed to get my vet nurse to drive me to the 'shops' early in the morning, and had enough money to get 2g - it also just so happened that this was the best dope I'd ever had - it was AWeSOME - but it was only around for 2.5 days... Anyway, we got there, i met the guy, got the goods, and went behind the school to mull up. Cooked up clear as, sucked all 2g into a 3ml syringe, then got all ready... was so looking forward to it, as u do.. then pulled the plunger abit to get out the air bubbles, and TRADGEDY - the whole plunger came out cos soo much gear couldnt quite fit - and i just watched 2g of the finest sink into the primary school concrete.... I was in disbelief for awhile, like just thinking there must be a way to salvage this... and there just wasn't. Then i just wept for abit. It was totally pathetic, but it was soooo bad. And the straight arse nurse chick just had no idea what was going on... and we had to get back for work. Anyway - i try and remember stuff like that too - although it still makes me upset to this day...PATHETIC!

And yes my step brother also OD'd and died.

And ofcourse I've been ripped off HEAPS of times. I was way too dumb and trusting in the beginning. I just had no idea of junkie culture....as i got hooked on pethidine/morphine overseas working, and had only ever used by myself before that. Anyway so that is always terrible too - and as someone else said, its doubly worse when you get something like chalk in a bag cos you're all ready to be well again and have that shot - and then *nothing*...

And the other really bad thing is when its imposs to score. Up all night, kicking around, money in hand, and just NO gear anywhere...

I was also sick as dog at detox once and i gave this guy my contact if he promised to bring me back a decent shot and put it in the fence... Anyway he did.. but i was just blind and couldn't see it and was abit too eager - anyway i finally got it but they knew something was up and the head guy said "you'll have to leave, but give me that to hold, pack your stuff and u can have it when u go" I made him promise he was gonna give it to me, he was a nice guy and promised he would. Anyway i packed my stuff in 2 seconds flat and went outside - just in time to watch the fat bitch nurse squirting it down the sink. I was crushed... See i find it so bad cos its not just like you get pissed off - Its like you could cry about it... non users would just think you were the most pathetic loser...

Anyway please add so i can feel more like I'm doing the right thing here... cos as i said - i truly miss the relief of a shot, the nodding, the warm feeling no matter how cold, and being able to do ANYTHING on it.

[StackBundles]

One time I nodded out for a long time. I was in the middle of a game on my brand new XBOX 360. It burnt the hard drive out and I was too cheap to purchase the warranty. Luckily, I tricked the idiot at the service desk at Wal-Mart to let me return it. I am sure that some unsuspecting person spent some hard earned cash on my fried XBOX since I recognized my box back on the shelf the very next day. Sorry, dude!!

Ahhhh... On the real. I dropped dead once, literally. Thank god the ambulance service and hospitol were near my house. Although, that was THE BEST shot of my life. Fent laced dope. Sheeeshhh... See what I mean. We only remember the good stuff and forget the bad.

[Nu Jerzey Devil]

So you're saying heroin in and of itself, cannot be compared to a friendship? Because heroin, a chemical, produces pseudo-simulated feelings and euphoria? So it's an inherently bad thing when taken too often?

If this is true...should a CP'r who has to take her medicine every four hours or would be hurting feel as if her life is an entire illusion, because it is a drug that allows her to experience the life she has in the way she does. She should hate the stuff she is on?

It's the only answer for her problems -- strong opiates. The rest of us are simply doing the same thing. Something about our life, whether endogenous or exogenous, makes us want to feel different. The only way that works for many of us is strong opioids-- often heroin.

What is the fundamental difference between addicts and CP'rs? We both need opiates to enjoy our lives, so we are both dependent on them....they support our lives, they're there when nobody else is, they make us feel happy...even if we're simply putting off going into pain, we still believe the net benefit from the drug is better than the net negative -- just like our CPr...she wishes she didn't need them, but she does, and so she makes the best of it.

We can do the same. It's not the dope, its the addiction and failure to manage responsibly. A CPr is forced to manage properly, and the drug works and doesn't destroy her life. We could do the same, though we almost always don't....a la junkie. It doesn't have to be that way, though.

sorry, /rant off

You know what? You can compare heroin to anything you want to, I am not saying whether it's right or wrong. No where did I say it's an inherently bad thing when taken too often (or did I? if so then I am sorry for being ignorant).

Where did I say that taking strong opiates makes your entire life an illusion?? I take strong opiates and my life is as real as it can be (did I misunderstand what you were trying to say?). What I said was that the feelings of euphoria they produce is somewhat of an illusion (just as the feelings of analgesia they provide, doesn't actually cure the underlying cause of pain, if the underlying cause of pain was fixed, than theoretically the pain should go away).

Chronic pain patients often do not even feel euphoria (other than feeling good because they are not in pain, which is different than being intoxicated from opiates) if they take the doses that they are suppose to, and god bless them if they want to get high in addition to killing pain, I know I do. I think it is fantastic that a drug can help PPs live without chronic pain. CPPs take their medication so they can live a life worth living and make real friends and have real relationships (with people, not drugs). No where in my post did I mention anything about people who take opiates to combat Chronic pain.

Duck, where did I say it was wrong to take opiates and wrong to enjoy taking them? I am a daily opiate user, and I do enjoy them ( they also help with my chronic pain, but even before I was a CPP, I enjoyed them for their effects). I agree with you that most us addicts need our opioids to enjoy life and feel normal.

MY point was that heroin is a drug, not a human being. You cannot develop a bond with heroin the same way you would another person, can you? Heroin does not talk to us, or give us advice, or listen to us, it's not going to laugh at our jokes etc. I know that sounds silly, but I guess it's what I need to say to clarify what i meant. You get what I am saying? I understand that a drug will always be there for you (if you have the money and connects) but it is there for you to use, not to bond with.
What do we do with Heroin? We use it... for our benefit. Would you do that to a friend? Would using someone for your benefit be a friendship?

Sorry for the long post, I just don't like it when words are put in my mouth, and I wasn't trying to bash anyone. I like most of the people here and we all have a lot in common so if some one says they don't have any friends, than take a look around opiophile most of us are friendly people who could be your friend.

Last but not least, I get it..... I get that being addicted changes a lot of things, that for some of us, the effort we put into getting drugs takes up time that would be spent with friends or building friendships. Sometimes the choice is be sick, or go out and score to feel normal, which doesn't leave much time a lot of other things. All I meant was that a drug is not a friend, it is a drug. I didn't mean to offend anyone and please don't take any of what I have said personally I am no better than anyone else here and not much different.

[Maintenance Man]

when i was on dope, i loved it about 85% of the time
when i started with "i hate dope" it wasn't dope that i hated
it was the fact that no one would answer their fucking phone and sell me any

SHELLEY/Maintenance Man 110% Concurrence

[Maintenance Man]

So you're saying heroin in and of itself, cannot be compared to a friendship? Because heroin, a chemical, produces pseudo-simulated feelings and euphoria? So it's an inherently bad thing when taken too often?

If this is true...should a CP'r who has to take her medicine every four hours or would be hurting feel as if her life is an entire illusion, because it is a drug that allows her to experience the life she has in the way she does. She should hate the stuff she is on?

It's the only answer for her problems -- strong opiates. The rest of us are simply doing the same thing. Something about our life, whether endogenous or exogenous, makes us want to feel different. The only way that works for many of us is strong opioids-- often heroin.

What is the fundamental difference between addicts and CP'rs? We both need opiates to enjoy our lives, so we are both dependent on them....they support our lives, they're there when nobody else is, they make us feel happy...even if we're simply putting off going into pain, we still believe the net benefit from the drug is better than the net negative -- just like our CPr...she wishes she didn't need them, but she does, and so she makes the best of it.

We can do the same. It's not the dope, its the addiction and failure to manage responsibly. A CPr is forced to manage properly, and the drug works and doesn't destroy her life. We could do the same, though we almost always don't....a la junkie. It doesn't have to be that way, though.

sorry, /rant off

Also, beautiful. I couldn't have said it half as well myself.

@Above poster: after years of trial and error and other shit, several shrinks and I (yes, two shrinks concurred) that the underlying cause of the pain is impossible to fix, so either it's legal drugs that make you feel like shit, and numb, with myriad side effects, or illegal drugs that make you feel "comfortably numb" with good side-effects.

Heroin makes my speech more glib and exciting, my advice more wise, my jokes funnier.. I know, however irrational or immature it may be, I would consider myself as having a human-like relationship with heroin, or maybe a God-like relationship (no blasphemy intended) - it is responsible for all of the good, and all of the bad.

I have never had a friendship that was more real than being used for my benefit, of drugs, or a place to stay, etc., and I have never been a better "friend" than listed above - at best, it was a mutual use of each other. But usually, it was very one-sided.

[SHELLEY]

SHELLEY/Maintenance Man 110% Concurrence

then why quit, if you loved it?
everyone knows my reason
if i hadn't got pregnant, i'd still be on the point (or possibly locked up)

[Maintenance Man]

I ran out of money (owed too many people too much)
I ran out of most sources, and I'm not a people person - I have no real-life network, few friends (none use), etc. so no way to cultivate any more, leading to:
There's no open-air market, and the source I had was too fucking unreliable.. "In an hour" too often turned into "later tonight" then into "tomorrow" - WTF?
My tolerance got too high
I was spending more time sick than well, and little if at all high
And the 15% when you couldn't score in your case became around 50% in mine

I initially viewed the subs as a vacation, to lower my tolerance (ha ha), make some money, build up a little reserve, pay off debts, then go back on the dope. I don't intend on doing that any more, but Lord knows... a junkie is a junkie, as hard as I try to stay clean ("Clean... as clean as I've ever been" as the song goes) and I'll probably romanticize my way back into the habit I worked so hard to escape.. as is a motto of mine:

It's hard to remember the hard times when it's my addiction doing the remembering.

[Shadowsblaze]

Come on, your so successful and you ran out of money, give me a break and start with some truth.

[SHELLEY]

this was long enough ago that i think i can post it online....

i got robbed for 60 bucks by this asshole, he basically beat the crap out of me
and i went to my friend/dealer to get straight because i didn't have any money and was too sick to work
he told me that he'd help me out with a couple grams if i could take care of something for him
i didn't like the whole situation, but i needed dope real bad and his shit was fire so i said OK
my guy gave me a gun and sent me out into this dude's neighborhood to "tell him to go back home"

he let me hit a couple bags up first with a coke kicker, which spun me into oblivion
so i had a sort of false sense of security, like the dope made me bulletproof
i didn't even think that the whole reason my guy gave me a gun
was because the guy i had to "make go home" probably was packing as well
so, my strung out ass rides into this neighborhood that is most certainly not mine
and i seen the dude, i say "____ says to go back home"
dude pulls out a gun and fires 3 times at me, in the middle of the fucking street

if he hadn't been firing his gun sideways :rolleyes: he might have killed me
(i heard later that he broke his own collarbone and hand firing that fucking gun sideways- dats gangsta)
but since he did fire sideways, i ended up with one bullet in my kneecap, probably on accident
i didn't even realize i was shot at first, i did whatever it was that i did and then tried to run
but i ate pavement after trying to put weight on right leg
i dropped my car keys somewhere along the line, so i ended up walking/crawling out of the hood
i got a replacement kneecap and 3 reconstructive surgeries so it doesn't look like i got shot
but i got 3g of dope, because we never saw his face again

so yeah, that's my shittiest dope-related moment
please no questions, that's as many details as i feel comfortable sharing

[at&t]

Wow.... Thats quite a story there Shelly! Thanks for posting that.....



But... as for:
> i've pretty much only read about how great smack is

Yeah... That would be because you have only just now discovered this site, yes? It happens without fail every time there is an influx of new people.... Threads like "I love heroin" or whatever...

As time goes on, one becomes able to determine the Age/Demographic of members just by reading a few of their posts. Young/Inexperienced posters tend to... Well never mind-- I'm sure you know what I mean...

Not that this thread isn't a good idea-- It is.... Thanks for your stories too, OQ...

Hope all is going ok over there with you these last few days-- what, with things like driving 50miles each way to the new chemist, etc....

Well... Cheers folks, at&t


ps. OQ-- The nice lady who said hello to you in the "I Love Heroin Thread" (Blackmax)... If looking for reminders about "how BAD it is," You might do a search and go and read the last few posts she made about her 'Would-have-been Future Son in Law'-- a former member here who once was Young and Inexperienced, and who tended to "Love Heroin" (or perhaps just OC) in his day as well, as I recall...

Well... Shrugs..... It gets plenty bad, But then again, her story isn't one that you haven't heard/seen/lived any number of times already....

[OpiateQueen]

hmmm yeah - i wish i could drive there and back... I'm not allowed to drive cos of my epilepsy - which isn''t controlled the best at moment.. In fact i spent most of last night in the ER getting my head stitched up after smashing it open on a bench or something during a fit. :(
I'm stillreally really depressed about baby - or lack there of.. I really really wanted this baby, and was cheering i was past 12 wks.. or thought i was... i can't help but feel like a huge failure about it.
And trying to get my methadone before having the curette surgery... well thats another story... i thought they would at least cut me some slack for that day....AHoles

[WhyCatsPaint]

hmmm yeah - i wish i could drive there and back... I'm not allowed to drive cos of my epilepsy - which isn''t controlled the best at moment.. In fact i spent most of last night in the ER getting my head stitched up after smashing it open on a bench or something during a fit. :(

I'm stillreally really depressed about baby - or lack there of.. I really really wanted this baby, and was cheering i was past 12 wks.. or thought i was... i can't help but feel like a huge failure about it.
And trying to get my methadone before having the curette surgery... well thats another story... i thought they would at least cut me some slack for that day....AHoles


Damn OQ I'm sorry to hear what happened! Are you ok? That is horrible news... Please don't beat yourself up there is no way you could have controlled what happened.. I hope you feel better soon!

[OpiateQueen]

Come on, your so successful and you ran out of money, give me a break and start with some truth.
Where does it say that?? about being succesful?? am i just blind??

[at&t]

aha! THATS why it was so important to have a nearby chemist! What a life, eh?......... :(

[StackBundles]

I'm sorry for making light of this thread in my earlier post, OQ. This is serious shit.

I can honestly say, OQ, that you ARE doing the right thing and that you aren't missing out on shit. I am in the midst of a fucking circus right now with my active addiction. I really don't want to paraphrase the last few posts that I have recently made regarding this shit, as I am feeling super lazy right now, but I felt like I should drop you some positive re-enforcement.

Stay your course, steady and true. You know what is right and what is wrong for you. Don't get swayed by the propaganda. At least you have the 'done to help you out.

Don't think that 'done is just some bullshit either. I personally like 'done... It ain't that much different than dope and if you had and endless supply of dope you'd be in the same boat as you are right now with 'done, more than likely, leveled off and getting your life right. Maybe... That's probably how it'd go.

[Maintenance Man]

I was a relatively successful consultant, but, for Christ's sake, you have to be a fucking millionaire to afford a $250 a day habit... that's $7500+ a month - $90k+ a year for dope alone, assuming no sick days.. that's 100 to 200% of what I've ever made in a year, for dope alone...EVEN BEING SUCCESSFUL.. plus, rent, car, food, insurance, etc. - of course my rock bottom didn't involve street living, but threat of eviction, going days hungry, losing insurance, etc., etc. - I never sold or hustled for a dose, and I wouldn't know how to navigate 'the scene' to do it. Never liked the legal risk either. Better to be kicking at home than kicking in jail.

Even though it doesn't do much for cravings, it does wonders for my stress level, lifestyle, and general reduction in bullshit, harm, and drama - no ripoffs, no anxiety, no waiting by the phone, $240+ less a day..

THANK GOD FOR SUBOXONE.

EDIT: Consultancy is not a steady salary.. from month to month, and year to year, there are major variations in income.

[Nu Jerzey Devil]

I was a relatively successful consultant, but, for Christ's sake, you have to be a fucking millionaire to afford a $250 a day habit... that's $7500+ a month - $90k+ a year for dope alone, assuming no sick days.. that's 100 to 200% of what I've ever made in a year, for dope alone...EVEN BEING SUCCESSFUL.. plus, rent, car, food, insurance, etc. - of course my rock bottom didn't involve street living, but threat of eviction, going days hungry, losing insurance, etc., etc. - I never sold or hustled for a dose, and I wouldn't know how to navigate 'the scene' to do it. Never liked the legal risk either. Better to be kicking at home than kicking in jail.

Even though it doesn't do much for cravings, it does wonders for my stress level, lifestyle, and general reduction in bullshit, harm, and drama - no ripoffs, no anxiety, no waiting by the phone, $240+ less a day..

THANK GOD FOR SUBOXONE.

EDIT: Consultancy is not a steady salary.. from month to month, and year to year, there are major variations in income.

Wow Mr. Maintenance Man! That is quite a habit, $250 a day is no fucking joke at all, I am really happy to hear that you are doing all right on the SUBs because it sounds like you had kind of a rough time there for a while. I love opiates as I know you do too, and I guess this really shows in the amount of money and time we spend on them. I guess unless you are a millionaire of some sort the more you make doesn't necessarily leave you better off. The more you make= the more you can afford= the more you do= higher tolerance= bigger habit = more money spent..... it's a cycle. It sounds that you are a pretty straight dude (not having to hustle or pawn shit and never being arrested) though, and that is something to give yourself a pat on the back for, I admire that. Well what goes around comes around or so they say so I hope that it will come around for you really soon and you are in opiate bliss once again.

[Maintenance Man]

Amen Devil!

I've always thought, if not said, that about dope: a habit can expand to consume any amount of money you can possibly make, -$15,000-$20,000* for rent in a shitty area, food, car, insurance, and gasoline. I pawned enough shit and borrowed enough money from people you don't wanna borrow money from, got fronts, etc.

If anything, that's the biggest reason I quit.. if you're spending $250+ a day on dope (I had a 2-3 gram a day tan powder habit).. a $1000 front isn't that much.. Once you've spent all your money and got the most fronted from everyone who will front, and can't pay 'em back.. there's not much left in the way of scoring more. The one person left charged exorbitant prices ($150+ for a gram of shittier stuff, maybe 2/3 as potent if that), but was always holding.. because the stupid motherfucker obviously never figured out you can't move a decent amount charging those prices.And he was really shady too, wanted the money to walk all the time, etc.. and there's no way I could have afforded those prices consistently, as anything more than a backup plan.

* If I made $15,000 a year I'd have to hustle or sell alot to afford a dope habit, or have a very small one. If I made $50,000 a year, I would have a $30,000+ dope habit. If I made $500,000 a year, I'd have a $480,000 dope habit. Once you get into junk, at least for me, average "quality of life" increases, like a better car, moving to a better area, new shit, etc., etc. don't mean shit, and don't seem worth it.

EDIT: Suboxone doesn't do SHIT for the cravings of a habit that big. Hell, when I was "inducted," it felt like I was full-on kicking for the first two or three days before it started helping at all. The doctor said a habit this size was life-threatening to kick cold turkey, I don't know how true that is, but he said it could evoke seizures, etc.. My BP was 220/119 when I went in, a little less than 12 hours after my last dose. Instant Clonidine. The doctor also said, eventually tolerance can increase to the point where the dosage required to keep you from withdrawing is equal to the lethal dosage, like barbiturates - except this happened at a much higher dosage. He said he had experience with one patient who experienced this phenomenon. I don't know how much if this holds true, I can find no further reference to the matter, but he seems straight-up.

[Duckfeet]

I was about 23, and still had all a young man's notions, and took my girlfriend and left heroin and southern california for good, I was determined, taking just enough heroin to last me until I got up to San Francisco to kick, then we were going to start over. I was sure I could do this, and we were both very much in love: she never had done dope, until much later, when I got her strung out...

I made it up to Big Sur and it was so beautiful, and we'd sit out on the cliff and look at the ocean, and all I remember is how happy we both were to escape this shit, finally...

I ran out of dope in Monterrey and got very sick, and we sat in a parking lot for a while, not knowing what to do...somewhere that night I gave up and headed back down south, and I got so fucking sick, puking and my stomach on fire and that murderous cold pacific wind, but I still remember stopping again in Big Sur and feeling so fucking sad, because I knew whatever was coming wasn't going to be good...

I decided to "jump in with both feet," when I got back to Orange County, and started doing burglaries, and I wasn't that good, and within a couple months, was busted, and my mother, sister, 'wife-to-be' all in court, none of them ever having seen this kind of stuff, and the judge having the bailiff check my arms, and verify that I was a heroin addict, and my mother just cried: until then, she hadn't known.

My mother made my bail, and I started pulling burglaries again, and soon was cracked again, and this time I didn't even want bail, and copped quickly to a 5 to life, and went off to prison...

Many many years later, I finally start to try to pull out of this, with limited success: by then, wife gone, mom far away, nobody left to care about whether I lived or died, and mostly I was just pathetic drunk: the real trouble with heroin addiction, is that it never gets any better, and brings pain and suffering not just to the addict, but also to those who love him. It's a hard road, not to be taken lightly...you pay. Yeah, you get some temporary bliss and maybe when starting out it feels deadly and cool, but when your veins are shot, and prison looms, and all you love is gone, it looses it's luster.

[Larkin]

I have done the pawn shop thing way too many times. After i couldnt nab cash or debit cards anymore. Its crushing when people ask you where there stuff is and you say you dont know, but there is fuckin scabs inside both your elbows.

One time i brought a shot to work because i was running late. I fixed it in the bathroom but didnt have time to hit because it takes me a min. So i put it in my jacket inside pocket, which was in the bathroom. I came back litterally 5 min later and someone had squirted it out (or shot it but i doubt that). Then they pulled water inside the rig like i wouldnt notice. Not knowing if this was toilet bowl water, piss or sink water. I shot it anyway hoping maybe "the dope settled or something" and it wasnt really someone going out of there way to fuck me. I didnt get high. And i think i tried to fight everyone at work some way or another.

[OpiateQueen]

wow DF...what happened to your wife/GF?? Did she get off the junk 4 good? Did she blame you...?

The family factor, hurting your loved ones was the absolute worst for me. I grew up with my Dad, and he was pretty cool and lenient, let us have lots of cool stuff and spent time with us. I remember the first few times i was pinned really young, like 14/15, and puking everywhere - he thought it was kind of funny cos he thought we must have drunk abit too much...

During my full on addiction he tried so hard to help me... So many times i scammed him for money.. I never stole their stuff, or anyones stuff, but i scammed money... he was always giving me money for imaginary debts, and trusting me to give it to them myself, all sorts of shit... and doing urine tests - which i always scammed...

He even leased a whole vet practice for me to live in and run - it was great, on the outskirts of town, so i could have my horse as well, cool house. Needless to say i embezzeled all the money and he lost 25000 or something... I don't even know.. And it was the best opportunity.. and know i haven't really worked at all since getting pregnant several years ago.

God i could slit my wrists writing this... I've taken advantage of him so many times..

[Duckfeet]

She married me, the judge allowed it, and she stood by me thru prison in California, never missed a visit, and then I got a good career going for years, but I was shooting dope and all, and finally got her to start shooting dope, and after a month of that, she said I was turning her into a junky, and would I please stop drugs at least or she would have to leave me? I said I couldn't do that, and she left: she never had a hard word for me, and felt worse leaving me, than I did at the time: I was loaded, and found a new girl, who ended up in prison herself, after hanging out with me a few years...do they blame me? Probably.

I was no good: full of talk and romantic notions, great plans for the future, and had a bit of charm about me, I suppose, in those days, but no substance to me to speak of, and I guess they all finally realized it...and once ex wrote me when I was sending letters out of jail in Louisiana, and said she was in AA, and was doing good, and prayed that someday I'd find help...

The next girl, last I saw her, was when I visited her in prison a few years back, so I don't know what she did after parole...probably not, is my guess...most people I hung with either died or were locked up, and the ones who loved me got away or ended up just as bad: I'm sure some escaped, but they didn't stay in touch with me...I made amends best I could, but some things you can't repair...

wow DF...what happened to your wife/GF?? Did she get off the junk 4 good? Did she blame you...?
<snip>

[dieselbaby]

Driving 4.5 hours to Chicago from bumfuck Indiana in the snow, freezing cold, at 7 AM while puking in a fucking bucket the entire time. Just to score some dope to get well from. Fuck that shit. Never again. I will NEVER be dope sick ever again...I hate it way too fucking much.

[OpiateQueen]

Driving 4.5 hours to Chicago from bumfuck Indiana in the snow, freezing cold, at 7 AM while puking in a fucking bucket the entire time. Just to score some dope to get well from. Fuck that shit. Never again. I will NEVER be dope sick ever again...I hate it way too fucking much.
what stage ru at now Diesel?? on maintenance? Using sometimes? Using alot? clean as a whistle?? Gees 4.5hrs is a long way really isnt it. I used to drive up to Sydney from Canberra before i knew anyone there to score off (3hrs)

[dieselbaby]

what stage ru at now Diesel?? on maintenance? Using sometimes? Using alot? clean as a whistle?? Gees 4.5hrs is a long way really isnt it. I used to drive up to Sydney from Canberra before i knew anyone there to score off (3hrs)

Clean as a whistle :)

[OpiateQueen]

Clean as a whistle :)
you LEGEND, Congrats!! ru happy?? I'm clean (bar methadone)- but i just haven't been able to get any self confidence or much motivation back..

[Maintenance Man]

I was, prior to drug use, an essentially amotivated, anhedonic person.

During my use of opiates, I was very motivated (dope being my motivation - I never would have gone back to school, etc. except to get an increase in salary - of course this was during my "chipping" stage, which lasted a few years, and was by far the best, where every use was a breathtaking high + nod), and enjoyed at least the dope itself - I may have actually become a little more sociable on it, since I had to be around other human beings to score.

Now that I am on maintenance, I have no motivation, as long as I have my scripts and rent is paid and food, and I don't enjoy anything anymore. I basically returned to my pre-drug personality, but worse, and with the knowledge that relief is a shot away - and that is the nature of the beast, IMO.

I used to be on a cocktail of psych drugs when I was an early teen.. haloperidol, risperdal, lithium, phenytoin, all the tricyclic antidepressants at one time or another, etc. - I'll quit rambling, my point being, that some point in there, I was on a cocktail that I took some of it before school, and the balance at 3PM every day after school. The balance knocked me out by 4PM until the next morning at 6:30, then eventually I stopped going altogether and did Independent Study, then dropped out. I didn't get my GED until I began using opiates semi-frequently at age 15 or 16, and then moved on to state university and got a BSc in Organic Chemistry, continually using opiates on a semi-frequent (several times weekly) basis.

Since the local methadone clinic is shitty and tight with their rules, and won't let me have my benzos, I'm thinking about asking my pdoc to go through the files and see what cocktail I was on at that time and giving it to me again, and see if it helps. That was in my pre-drug years, so I'm not sure how well it replicated the "nod," etc.

My dream would be to get on MMT at a high enough dose that I would awake, go dose, come home, nod for a while, wake up, play some video games or something, (pay bills and rent and pick up scripts and see doctors once a month), pass out, wake up, and dose again. *drools*

Sorry for the rambling. My point in relation to the previous poster being, that, taking into account your pre-drug personality, I don't ever think your motivation returns - or at least it takes a very long time.

[upstate_007]

Here is one little ditty that always comes to mind when I think about how devastating a heroin habit is.

I was homeless in NYC with a 1.5 bundle a day habit. Robbing, stealing and scheming for money, food and shelter. At this point in time I had lost the use of my right arm. I think I hit a nerve a few weeks back while shooting and my arm was limp and unusable. Dead weight. It eventually came back to life a few months later.

I had just gotten out of lockup (central booking) for stealing books and managed to get my dealer to front me a few bags to get well after having nothing for 2 days. Since I had just gotten out of lockup, I did not have my kit with me either. No cooker, no water, no cottons. I did get a rig from my dealer though.

I sat down on the curb. Picked up a dirty beer can that was next to me. Tore the bottom half off so that I could use the indentation in the bottom as a cooker. Drew up some water from a puddle on the fucking disgusting street. Cooked the shot. Used my hand on my working arm to shoot into the dead arm. Then nodded out on the curb.

Fucking glamorous. So much for the mystique of heroin.

[Duckfeet]

That's right. The glamor only returns when people are off dope and forget...they'll remember soon enough what a junky's life is really like...I remember when "heroin chic" came about, and all the little rock stars and models got on smack...white kids imitating ghetto rats....same thing kind of happened back in my day, when Keith Richards and Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix got all hooked...it looks really cool from a distance, and way more "serious" than the little potheads and tweakers....

But we pay and pay, and no amount of self-deception changes the fact that it is a dreary, thankless, full-time career, that once begun, is very hard to get off of...good post, reminds me of many days like that: using a crappy old needle, sucking up water out of toilet bowl in bathroom stall, grabbing cottons off floor, selling my old lady for dope, having to sleep sitting up on doorsteps, and the inevitability of sickness in jail, and not even dreading it anymore, as life on the streets had gotten unbearable...all that fun.:(

Here is one little ditty that always comes to mind when I think about how devastating a heroin habit is.

I was homeless in NYC with a 1.5 bundle a day habit. Robbing, stealing and scheming for money, food and shelter. At this point in time I had lost the use of my right arm. I think I hit a nerve a few weeks back while shooting and my arm was limp and unusable. Dead weight. It eventually came back to life a few months later.

I had just gotten out of lockup (central booking) for stealing books and managed to get my dealer to front me a few bags to get well after having nothing for 2 days. Since I had just gotten out of lockup, I did not have my kit with me either. No cooker, no water, no cottons. I did get a rig from my dealer though.

I sat down on the curb. Picked up a dirty beer can that was next to me. Tore the bottom half off so that I could use the indentation in the bottom as a cooker. Drew up some water from a puddle on the fucking disgusting street. Cooked the shot. Used my hand on my working arm to shoot into the dead arm. Then nodded out on the curb.

Fucking glamorous. So much for the mystique of heroin.

[Narkotikon]

I can see the validity in this: you're trying to remind yourself of the bad things that dope will cause rather than the pleasure / high aspect of it in order to alleviate cravings.

The tough part about this is that, when you're craving, you tend to forget about the bad stuff and are only focused on the good aspects of it. When I'm craving, for instance, I don't think "if I do this again, I will be sick...my legs will hurt like a mother, I'll be an irritable bitch, and I'll be driving myself up a wall trying to think of ways to get well." I only think of "gee, I really want to get high...if only I could get high, it would make everything so much better."

Sort of like women wearing those fake pregnancy suits to see what being pregnant will be like (at least physically) prior to having sex or something.

If only they made one of those suits for drug addicts to remind them of the bad things that could happen if they use.

[Duckfeet]

Man, this is so true it's depressing...fuck...that's why we shake our heads when people not on heroin romanticize it...fuckers been on my back over 30 years, and...well...I ain't in *love* with the bitch, that's for sure...I just know on my deathbed, I'll be trying to hustle up a dilaudid shot...and there's something kind of sad about that, to me...but I also know just how totally useless "Heroin sucks!" threads are too...they don't change a thing: the monkey just laughs....immediate pleasure always trumps future pain....

I can see the validity in this: you're trying to remind yourself of the bad things that dope will cause rather than the pleasure / high aspect of it in order to alleviate cravings.

The tough part about this is that, when you're craving, you tend to forget about the bad stuff and are only focused on the good aspects of it. When I'm craving, for instance, I don't think "if I do this again, I will be sick...my legs will hurt like a mother, I'll be an irritable bitch, and I'll be driving myself up a wall trying to think of ways to get well." I only think of "gee, I really want to get high...if only I could get high, it would make everything so much better."

Sort of like women wearing those fake pregnancy suits to see what being pregnant will be like (at least physically) prior to having sex or something.

If only they made one of those suits for drug addicts to remind them of the bad things that could happen if they use.

[euphoricontin17]

hey maintanence man, i have read a lot of your posts and could not agree more. I know exactly how you feel about romanticising your addiction. I posted not too long ago about that as well. Like when i try to kick it's not the w/d that gets me it's my mind telling me about " all of the great, wonderful times " I've had with dope. And I try to tell myself that thats not true but deep down, I know it is and that dope will always be my one true love. Yeah, it sounds pathetic, but i don't care. Dope has always been there for me, never hurts me etc. I truly believe its not the heroin that causes you pain, it's the lack of it. Heroin is just an inanimate chemical, its you and I who cause our selves to get addicted and go thru the pain. I have no problem going on subs for a period of time as long as I know that at some point, I will eventually get to be with it again. Even if it's 10 years, sooner or later I'll get my hands on some. I can never stop forever and I don't want to. I think my best bet is moderation. At least as much moderation as possible.

[Duckfeet]

It takes incredible amount of restraint for me not to merge these two threads:):

Help us remember how BAD it is!! (http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=25774)

I LOVE HEROIN! (http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=25765)


..I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about: they are two sides of the same exact junky coin...and about as useful...give it about, oh, two or three months, and you'd probably see the same people posting in the opposite thread...just doesn't matter, once you're on this road, love it or hate it, the monkey rules...unless you get very very lucky.

Funny. Strange. Sad. Predictable.

[Dirt McGirt]

Whenever I think about getting high, I try to remember the last week before I went to rehab: Ripping off friends and family...people who always put their trust in me. Selling coke in a desperate attempt to keep up with my habit.

I was holed up in a sleazy motel room...hadn't slept in two days. Blowing through coke and oxy with reckless abandon. Tried selling a couple grams to some random dude in the room next door at 4am. He cornered me in a dark alley and accused me of ripping him off. He said he had a gun, I called his bluff.

As he walked back to his room, screaming something about narcotics, firearms, and scam artist white boys, my buddy and my brother stopped him and arranged an exchange. We went through some stupid standoff ("gimme my money first" "gimme the bag first"). Finally, his girl saw my buddy (who's about 6'4, 250#) whip out a blade, and convinced him chill. I got my bags back, he got his cash, but I couldn't help but think about how stupid I was.

Not only I had I put myself in a possibly fatal situation, but I put my little brother, my poor lil bro who's alwys looked up to me, in harms way. If he had gotten hurt, I'd never be able to forgive myself.

I got in a fight with another friend the next day, about the disappearing profits from our joint coke deal. Nobody had to sit me down to tell me I was out of control. I knew it...all too well. When I ran out of money (and drugs) a couple days later, I checked myself into rehab.

Ain't nothin romantic about getting killed in an alley over a couple grams of coke...nothing romantic at all.

[nick]

Man, this is so true it's depressing...fuck...that's why we shake our heads when people not on heroin romanticize it...fuckers been on my back over 30 years, and...well...I ain't in *love* with the bitch, that's for sure...I just know on my deathbed, I'll be trying to hustle up a dilaudid shot...and there's something kind of sad about that, to me...but I also know just how totally useless "Heroin sucks!" threads are too...they don't change a thing: the monkey just laughs....immediate pleasure always trumps future pain....

Naw,what's sad is they'll probably give you tramadol or some other crap rather than dilaudid.

[nick]

It takes incredible amount of restraint for me not to merge these two threads:):

Help us remember how BAD it is!! (http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=25774)

I LOVE HEROIN! (http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=25765)


..I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about: they are two sides of the same exact junky coin...and about as useful...give it about, oh, two or three months, and you'd probably see the same people posting in the opposite thread...just doesn't matter, once you're on this road, love it or hate it, the monkey rules...unless you get very very lucky.

Funny. Strange. Sad. Predictable.

Hell,do it,bro.It would be entirely appropriate.

[Duckfeet]

Yep...they'd have to worry about "turning me into an addict!" :)

Naw,what's sad is they'll probably give you tramadol or some other crap rather than dilaudid.

[upstate_007]

Man, this is so true it's depressing...fuck...that's why we shake our heads when people not on heroin romanticize it...fuckers been on my back over 30 years, and...well...I ain't in *love* with the bitch, that's for sure...I just know on my deathbed, I'll be trying to hustle up a dilaudid shot...and there's something kind of sad about that, to me...but I also know just how totally useless "Heroin sucks!" threads are too...they don't change a thing: the monkey just laughs....immediate pleasure always trumps future pain....

Sad indeed.

Makes me think back to when I started in this life. I thought I was a real bad ass. A rebel. I never thought it would turn into a lifelong struggle with more bad times than good.

[Narkotikon]

I think everyone, at some point--usually when they're still dabbling and before they get majorly sick for the first time--romanticizes opiates. I remember laying on my dorm room bed listening to the Deftone's White Pony album chugging Tussionex that I scammed out the Student Health Center at college and thinking that was the way to live. Now I look back on that and think how pathetic.

Yes, opiates cause joy, but it's temporary. It also causes a lot of pain. I don't really care when people call dope their "lover" or their "best friend." It doesn't really annoy me or anything. I just assume they've not had many negative consequences from it; or they don't have that much to live for and it really is their "lover" or "best friend," which is sad. And that's not meant to put anyone who thinks that way down. I just can't see the point in comparing something that causes so much pain in the long run to something positive like a friend.

But, when you're sick or craving, it's very very easy to forget about the negative aspects of opiate use and only remember the good, temporary aspects of it.

Think of it this way. Opiates / drugs are like a greedy prostitute: once the money is gone, they leave you for someone else.

[Duckfeet]

Done: but I'm going to blame you totally for this, and act all innocent, when the bitching starts!

Hell,do it,bro.It would be entirely appropriate.

It takes incredible amount of restraint for me not to merge these two threads:):

Help us remember how BAD it is!! (http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=25774)

I LOVE HEROIN! (http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=25765)


..I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about: they are two sides of the same exact junky coin...and about as useful...give it about, oh, two or three months, and you'd probably see the same people posting in the opposite thread...just doesn't matter, once you're on this road, love it or hate it, the monkey rules...unless you get very very lucky.

Funny. Strange. Sad. Predictable.

[Ickyuck]

This thread now confuses me.

THANKS ALOT DF. *j/k*

[Duckfeet]

I was just tired of bouncing between the two threads...all H addicts love and hate the bitch...if we've any awareness at all of life...of addiction...IMHO...

[nick]

Done: but I'm going to blame you totally for this, and act all innocent, when the bitching starts!

Hell,if anyone starts bitching,tell 'em YOU did it for their own good.

and ickyuck,putting the two threads together gives a much more accurate picture of what h use is really like,

[Ickyuck]

I hear ya, Nick and DF. Its a really good idea, combining the two. But at first the thread-melding confused me, as I am easily confused.

[candy]

I don't miss it one bit right now. I was pretty sick before I decided to stop using. I was strung out, losing my license, and had lost most of my possessions.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I was still using. I don't think I would have my boys with me and I imagine that I would of become homeless at some point if I had continued down the path I was on.

[StackBundles]

^^^ I doubt that you'll even hear a peep DF. Entirely appropreate.

I am gonna' turn into the grandpa' from "Lil' Miss Sunshine."

[lib.sOCialist]

snip
It's so hard to remember the bad times when my addiction is doing the remembering.

And as Yoda said,

Once you touch the dark side, forever will it affect your destiny.

Long live and God bless, and good luck to everyone out there. We're all gonna need it.

yoda quotes for the fucking win..

[OxyQueen]

Heroin is totally a love/hate relationship for me

[Duckfeet]

It's like being in love with a beautiful woman who keeps you in her basement, and once a week takes you out and feeds you and fucks you and makes you feel wonderful...and then throws you back in the basement for another week....cold bitch.

[faster36]

Was in LOVE with H for a long time. When SHIT got sooo out of hand that I was robbing places just to get right and not even high it got the best of me. It was early morning couldnt get a hook up and was sick. Robbed a gas station in a stolen car got 100 $ Didnt even care that the whole thing was on camera. Long story short that 100$ cost me 4 long years in prison. No joke. Maybe I was just a really stuipd kid back then but that monkey really doesnt care about to much .

[OpiateQueen]

BUT WAIT.... I don't HATE heroin...I just want help remembering all the crap things so i don't feel like I'm missing out...:cool:
I suppose i will live... no i don't mind at all.
In response to an earlier post - i think it was maintenace man maybe.. BUT i was pretty damn motivated before opiates... well when i look back now i think i was... But i just can't seem to get ANY self confidence or motivation back - except to look after my son - although i always tell myself i should become one of those wonder Mums that is jogging around the park every day and using cloth nappies and mushing up organic food 24/7...
I'm with you - i would love to be on enough methadone to dose - nod off, sleep nicely for few hours, get up and eat something maybe, then have second half of my dose... sleep all night... I know i couldn't really do that, although that is almost what i have going now...I couldn't looking after a child anyway, but it is very sad that that is what i would most want... to sleep my life away... Methadone doesn't make me nod off anyways - the more i have - lets say if i shoot nearly 900mg (straight liquid, or maybe with abit of water in it) in one go - the most it will do is I'll have an epileptic fit... and thats only sometimes if i'm not taking my tabs... otherwise it would just help me sleep abit. For an opiate naive animal that would be the maximum dose for a 900kg animal...twice my horse...
The last time i had H - which was couple of years ago++ I had more than a half g and it just made me really sick... there was no joy in it at all... I think i even had a g cos of the amt of done i was on... yeah it was really awful... i hadn't used for awhile before it, and in different area... So i still like to think its only really good when you are totally addicted and in its grasps...(not including the chipping away period in the beginning that is) Anyone else have that experience?? I just felt like puking - only not the nice vomit feeling...and truly wished it would go away and that i'd never done it. And the others who had the same gear thought it was fine...:rolleyes:

[JonnyMohawk]

BUT i was pretty damn motivated before opiates... well when i look back now i think i was... But i just can't seem to get ANY self confidence or motivation back


I know that feeling.

Being so bored and unmotivated, and you know it could be fixed with a visit to a friend or a phone call.

[The_Highwayman]

For me, doing dope was akin to making a deal with the devil...it offered a sure-fire solution to my short-term porblems..that impulsivness is the cornerstone of addiction..if it feels good NOW, DO IT!!!...it doesn't tell you about what you pay in the long-run. However, at that time I was in so much pain the long run didn't matter and that was where I got lost..thankfully I found my way back...

[odd]

Come on, your so successful and you ran out of money, give me a break and start with some truth.

Yeah I agree with this. I don't buy the $1000 a day habit. That's over 30 grand a month. I am a professional in my field with a lower 6 figure salary and even with my daily addition I live a pretty good life.

I just don't buy it. I mean I do dope everyday but I am able to keep a nice high paying job and I have been for the last 10+ years or so. I have never ran out of money, however I am broke much of the time. I see that if you can spend a grand a day on dope and still have money left over then you must have a super kick ass job and getting heroin to get high would be last on your list since you have that much cash to blow.

If it was a typo and it's only $100 a day I can see that. Most people that don't have high paying jobs can hustle for that type of cash on a daily basis. ONE grand a day though, I smell bullshit.

[OpiateQueen]

I don't know who you're talking to but it was me who said i was using $1000 at my worst - but i def wasn't earning all that money - alot of it was scammed from family and awful things.. AND I'm talking about Australian $$ not US, And it doesn't even cover the cost of 3g a day. Here a g is $350 and that was 3 years ago.. And obviously i couldn't keep it up for ages at that level.
I think the other guy who was talking about his successful job etc said he used US$250/day or something like that.
And odd i definitely envy you.... how can you sustain it without it getting out of control?? Maybe it is just way mmore expensive here... I had a pretty good professional job but NOTHING compared to how much i was putting up my arm.

[nodrover]

Every woman I've ever found takes more than she gives, too. Maybe not to the extent of heroin, but the cost is surely a function of the degree of pleasure provided?

Heroin, for me, is by far, far and away, bar none, times ten ten thousand, the best feeling in the world - it is the best feeling possible. But all of the bullshit scoring, vein problems, money problems, health problems, time problems, trying to stay well, kicking problems, make it not worth while after long enough. But.. it's hard to remember the bad times when my addiction is doing the remembering.

I would say I've had good sex, except, in the view of the average male population, I'm weird as fuck: I'm just not into sex; shit, back when I was a pot smoker, I liked weed better than sex. The chemistry isn't there between me and sex itself, nevermind the partner. I know plenty of junkies who share my view; and plenty who share yours, chopstix. For me, sex is work. I need to keep my woman happy. I have the best chemistry with her I have ever had with another person, and it still is work. I'm not a fan of the closeness. I'm not a fan of the feeling. I guess it's like hallucinogens. I'm a person who doesn't "let go," even to that extent. So, you could say, it is impossible for me to feel 'chemistry' with another person - only devotion, or love, or loyalty, or a will to please, etc. - non inclusive of the "lust" or "chemistry" that is generally added into the equation, and nomenclature, of "love." I didn't have much of it in me before drugs. I have as little to none as possible left in me after, to still be willing to engage in the act.

Drugs just seem like much less hassle for much more pleasure; less emotional discomfort. A drug will never cheat on me, a drug will never deny me. I don't have to open up to a drug. I don't have to make it happy. A drug will never lie to me. A drug has no past. All sex is complicated by these things for me; I am a person incapable of viewing it as a solely physical pursuit. Everything negative that occurs because of a drug, I can blame on myself - and that sits well with me. It's all my fault when it comes to drugs. When I get to blaming other people, shit gets ugly. Fast.

Drugs and sex are truly inextricable in my mind. They are the two sides of the coin that is hedonism.

But for me, heroin, the very solitude of it, is something that sex can never compare to. The concrete, quantifiable pleasure that can be measured is something my mind demands. The fact it can return you to the best feeling of your life at will is something that nothing else can come close to doing. I can see why it would be sex for you; you're of a completely different psychological and genetic makeup than me. But can you see why it's heroin for me?

Haha...it seems like your fresh out of rehab trying to spread everything that you learned.:p

[Maintenance Man]

Shit, if they teach you that in Rehab, I'd fit right in. Where's it at? Maybe it's time to book a trip..

"Operator? I'd like to go to Rehab, please."
"Rehab? Where is that, sir?"
"Just north of Chicago, I believe."

[odd]

I don't know who you're talking to but it was me who said i was using $1000 at my worst - but i def wasn't earning all that money - alot of it was scammed from family and awful things.. AND I'm talking about Australian $$ not US, And it doesn't even cover the cost of 3g a day. Here a g is $350 and that was 3 years ago.. And obviously i couldn't keep it up for ages at that level.
I think the other guy who was talking about his successful job etc said he used US$250/day or something like that.
And odd i definitely envy you.... how can you sustain it without it getting out of control?? Maybe it is just way mmore expensive here... I had a pretty good professional job but NOTHING compared to how much i was putting up my arm.


Hey, I was not trying to be a asshole and if I was I apologize. I don't know I starting using around 6 or 7 years ago I am not sure. It started out just getting a 1/2 gram in the morning ($20) to help me with my job then I was buying a morning shot before work ($20), a lunch shot ($20) and a night time cap ($20) The weekends I would just pickup a few grams ($100) or so and just use that. Honestly I don't know how I did not let it completely take over everything. I have a pretty laid back job, I am my own boss and I take pride in my work. The dope just keeps me motivated and I guess I don't get super faded at work because I want to keep my job because I make money to purchase my dope. I have never stolen or ripped off anyone and again it gives me the energy & motivation to do a good job at work. Also I cannot even remember the last time I was on the nod so it never interferes with my job.

Like I said I make a pretty decent chunk of coin, most of that does go into my arm but I pay all my bills on time, eat decently and rarely have to borrow money for dope when I run out. I guess the way of regulating it for me is only buying 1/2 or 1 gram bags at a time. I bought a couple of times 8 balls but I would just end up using it until it was all gone. No self control at all. I mean my dealers love me because I could be saving money buy buying in bulk but again if I just get bags here and there throughout the day I am able to keep in in check. I have pretty much been using straight everyday for the last 5 years (I have taken a few breaks here and there) and have kept my job though out the entire time. I have never taken a vacation, never have taken sick time off and have never been late to work. I know it's the dope that allows me to do that. Having a stable job, making decent coin and buying small bags here and there is what keeps me in check. I know the dope here is not that strong so maybe that helps as well.

I do have friends though who have fallen off the deep end. I think I am the only one out of my group of friends (who use and know I do) who has kept his shit together, I am not trying to brag or anything and yes I still get amazed sometimes on how I am able to do it. SOrry for the long post, I am high right now and love to write when I am. Hope this clears everything up.

[SHELLEY]

^
half gram of heroin for $20 huh?
few grams for $100?
and you're calling bullshit on someone else?

[Morphus]

^
half gram of heroin for $20 huh?
few grams for $100?
and you're calling bullshit on someone else?


Its the bay area, tar there is dirt cheap and of low quality, like seattle, but cheaper. Portland supposedly has better tar.

[Ickyuck]

I miss snorting a line and feeling it coat my sinuses up, doing a few bags, then feeling it creep on through, belly up. Or the time I shot up and got fucked up, immediately, stat.

What I don't miss is the wait, the general shadiness of characters I meet, waiting in some creeped out area where I can just picture the cops rollin' in on, having a hundred bucks turn to 30 bucks in an instant.

[Restharrow]

^^^ I doubt that you'll even hear a peep DF. Entirely appropreate.

I am gonna' turn into the grandpa' from "Lil' Miss Sunshine."
When I saw the movie "Lil Miss Sunshine" all I could think was, "how does that guy get the money to snort pure white heroin all day long?".

Will

[Restharrow]

Done: but I'm going to blame you totally for this, and act all innocent, when the bitching starts!
This is like an "Opiophile Intervention". Its for their own good.

Will

[Deadfiend]

So I'm afraid I know not just what heroin does for me, but what it also does to me, and just how hard it is to escape its clutches, once you are in them...it's just a huge addiction which clouded and consumed my life...do I love it? I don't even think about it anymore in those kinds of terms...it's like existence itself, beyond description: tragic and unpitying.
Truth spoke 100% man, as always DF your right on.

[OpiateQueen]

Hey, I was not trying to be a asshole and if I was I apologize. I don't know I starting using around 6 or 7 years ago I am not sure. It started out just getting a 1/2 gram in the morning ($20) to help me with my job then I was buying a morning shot before work ($20), a lunch shot ($20) and a night time cap ($20) The weekends I would just pickup a few grams ($100) or so and just use that. Honestly I don't know how I did not let it completely take over everything. I have a pretty laid back job, I am my own boss and I take pride in my work. The dope just keeps me motivated and I guess I don't get super faded at work because I want to keep my job because I make money to purchase my dope. I have never stolen or ripped off anyone and again it gives me the energy & motivation to do a good job at work. Also I cannot even remember the last time I was on the nod so it never interferes with my job.

Like I said I make a pretty decent chunk of coin, most of that does go into my arm but I pay all my bills on time, eat decently and rarely have to borrow money for dope when I run out. I guess the way of regulating it for me is only buying 1/2 or 1 gram bags at a time. I bought a couple of times 8 balls but I would just end up using it until it was all gone. No self control at all. I mean my dealers love me because I could be saving money buy buying in bulk but again if I just get bags here and there throughout the day I am able to keep in in check. I have pretty much been using straight everyday for the last 5 years (I have taken a few breaks here and there) and have kept my job though out the entire time. I have never taken a vacation, never have taken sick time off and have never been late to work. I know it's the dope that allows me to do that. Having a stable job, making decent coin and buying small bags here and there is what keeps me in check. I know the dope here is not that strong so maybe that helps as well.

I do have friends though who have fallen off the deep end. I think I am the only one out of my group of friends (who use and know I do) who has kept his shit together, I am not trying to brag or anything and yes I still get amazed sometimes on how I am able to do it. SOrry for the long post, I am high right now and love to write when I am. Hope this clears everything up.
Well done - I'm jealous... I only ever bought 1g caps at a time too, but as i said they were WAY more expensive, and prob alot better quality by the sounds. The stuff we got mostly was white powder or rocks - i mean that doesn't mean its pure or anything but sounds like its better than the tar you guys talk of... I thought California was meant to have good gear..?
How can you not get on the nod?? I think i just loved getting smashed too much... Do you have family? do they all know? A wife?GF? Do you think you're kidding yourself that your work mates don't know something is up??
Anyway, good luck, i hope you can keep things together. Don't u ever have trouble scoring and waiting around or people see you hanging out waiting for the dealer etc?? I'm just remembering all the crap i had to go through... which looking back, was soooo obvious, and u just end up not giving a crap...as long as that shot is coming...