If You Could Re-Write Your Drug Life Story?

[rosebud]

If you had your life to do all over again (and let’s assume for arguments sake that you would have the knowledge you possess right now), would you still use drugs recreationally?

Please expand on your answer!

[Morphus]

If I could rewrite my life story with regards to drug addiction I would definitely not get involved with opiates so intimately and would have quit after the first couple of baby habits. The seductive thing about opiates is that you can totally function while on them, and at first they seemed like a genuine performance enhancer for just about everything, I did well in school, was ambitious, found a good job worked hard at being the best in my work position. All things that would have been impossible on stimulants or alcohol, as they seem to quickly render the user ineffective and irresponsible; it's hard to be good at your job when you have a alcohol/meth or cocaine hangover......I never planned to be a "lifer", I have always thought that when the time was right I would kick the habit and move on with my life, because I had been able to kick before and it was no fun, but wasn't by any means impossible. Problem was, the time was never right to kick, had to work take care of business etc. so the years went by. Now I realize how difficult a kick would be compared to those first few times, and I acknowledge that it's going to take a long time for my brain to recover. I would not have charged headfirst into opiate addiction with such a naive attitude, I would have stayed off after those first few easy kicks, the longer you're addicted the harder it is to quit.

[Ickyuck]

Hmm... compelling question, RB... My answer is short.

I wouldn't re-write my drug life story. I didn't get into drugs until my 20's, and I'm glad I wasn't, like, a stoner by age 14 like most of my friends were. I don't even regret getting into heroin (yet)...

[wisegal]

Rosebud, I think this is going to be a VERY interesting thread. I would def. still recreationally but i wouldnt have wasted all the damn time and money i did on cocaine and i'd of gone right to opiates!!

I also would have started stripping earlier and put some of the money away instead of buying fancy clothes/shoes/handbags and cocaine everyday! Cause now-a-days I am in a great relationship and I wont dance cause he doesnt like that and that is a dead chapter in my life but i def. dont make what i used to and if I'd of saved some then i wouldnt live paycheck to paycheck supporting my growing habit

[upstate_007]

For better or worse, it has made me what I am today. And I like who I am.

I wouldn't change a thing. I've been through hell and back more times than I can count. But going through all of that gives you a chance to see what you are really made of when all bets are off. Nobody I currently know or hang out with has a clue what it's like to sleep on the streets in the dead of winter. To have to steal food to survive. To be locked up. Any of that. I manage to stay away from that fate these days, but the knowledge and fear of those days never goes away.

[Poppylvr]

If you had your life to do all over again (and let’s assume for arguments sake that you would have the knowledge you possess right now), would you still use drugs recreationally?

Please expand on your answer!
Hey rosebud - good thought producer. I'll stream of conciousness this: first thought is I would write drugs right out of my life. I would have refused those joints in high school. I would definitely have refused all the shit I did in college - pot, quaaludes -( they hit the scene in fall 1971 and I LOVED them), definitely would have skipped the cocaine - high for 5 minutes; profoundly clinically depressed, hard to move for 2-3 DAYS after. I would never have snorted heroin.
Fast forward to my thirties, when my drug ABUSE took off. I would never have stolen drugs from my work and I would have skipped IV'ing them. Most particularly I would love to have avoided all the consequences drugs brought me - divorce, nearly losing my kids, felony arrest, probation time, losing my house, my job & nearly losing my nursing license.
But I believe in the idea that everything happens to us for a reason, even when we cannot fathom what that reason is. Would trading off those quaaludes mean I might never have had my kids? Would trading off my IV drug use mean that I never would have had the opportunity to work in the homeless clinic and have a Mom say to me once "You are the only nurse who I can tell honestly that it's really hard for me to see my kids get shots because the syringes make me jones- she felt safe becsause of who I am & what I've done. If my son hadn't seen how drugs fucked up his Mom & family, would he have started using instead of being just a drinker?
The sum of my experiences make me who I am. If I had never done drugs, I wouldn't be the Granny Nurse Moderator on Opiophile for sure. I would probably be a more judgemental thoughtless nurse.
Sp final answer: I don't know if I'd do it differently or not. There were a lot of bad consequences for me. But I love my life right now, and I do not know how much of that is from my actions of the past.

[rosebud]

LOL, I didn’t realize that my thread would post while I was tweaking the poll! Image my surprise when I finished it, posted it and saw there were already 2 answers! I thought, DANG, either they are Evelyn Wood speed reading/writing/THINKING experts or they are on some kick ass speed and if so, I WANTS ME SOME-LOL!

My answer is.....probably it would be better for me not to do them at all with such a strong family history of addiction and knowing how susceptible I am to that siren song of the Opiate. I think that once someone (who is predisposed towards addiction for a variety of reasons) gets a taste of that care free, floating feeling, it is next to impossible to turn back and ultimately they will follow that song right onto the rocks-crashing and breaking apart in less time than it takes the sirens to turn around and lure their next victim to the rocks of drug destruction......

To be totally honest, in my life experience, it is the rare person I have ever seen who starts down this path, has a little harmless fun and then successfully turns around and away from the drug life without first coming to some sort of dead-end in their journey. How people react (when they hit that first dead end) often gives a true glimpse of who they are and where they are going in their life journey.....Again, just my opinion and experience! :)


Thanks for participating. I look forward to reading the answers and perhaps gaining some further insight into the whole topic!

[rosebud]

Hey rosebud - good thought producer. I'll stream of conciousness this: first thought is I would write drugs right out of my life. I would have refused those joints in high school. I would definitely have refused all the shit I did in college - pot, quaaludes -( they hit the scene in fall 1971 and I LOVED them), definitely would have skipped the cocaine - high for 5 minutes; profoundly clinically depressed, hard to move for 2-3 DAYS after. I would never have snorted heroin.
Fast forward to my thirties, when my drug ABUSE took off. I would never have stolen drugs from my work and I would have skipped IV'ing them. Most particularly I would love to have avoided all the consequences drugs brought me - divorce, nearly losing my kids, felony arrest, probation time, losing my house, my job & nearly losing my nursing license.
But I believe in the idea that everything happens to us for a reason, even when we cannot fathom what that reason is. Would trading off those quaaludes mean I might never have had my kids? Would trading off my IV drug use mean that I never would have had the opportunity to work in the homeless clinic and have a Mom say to me once "You are the only nurse who I can tell honestly that it's really hard for me to see my kids get shots because the syringes make me jones- she felt safe becsause of who I am & what I've done. If my son hadn't seen how drugs fucked up his Mom & family, would he have started using instead of being just a drinker?
The sum of my experiences make me who I am. If I had never done drugs, I wouldn't be the Granny Nurse Moderator on Opiophile for sure. I would probably be a more judgemental thoughtless nurse.
Sp final answer: I don't know if I'd do it differently or not. There were a lot of bad consequences for me. But I love my life right now, and I do not know how much of that is from my actions of the past.

Wow, VERY thought provoking answer Poppy! It gets to that eternal question, where would our lives end up if we had turned right instead of left at that certain intersection of life. Reminds me of the movie "Sliding Doors". Did any of you ever see it? It was a little known movie that came out quite a few years ago. It didnt get much press and came and went quietly but it is one of my all time fave movies!Great, thought provoking story about a woman (Gweneth P) who lives her life one way and then part way through the movie, gets to change the direction it went in at a certain key point and re-lives it a second, different way. It does a very cool job of showing how the two paths intersect (eventually). That movie has stuck with me longer than any other movie ever! Tells you something about how thought provoking it was for me......

Dont you wish you could at least see a movie of how your life would have been if you took that other route? How cool would THAT be? :)

[chopstix]

Didn't vote, to me there are drugs and then there are opiates - two entirely different games..

I regret getting so heavily into weed at such a young age that it forever fucked with my memory (tho I suspect it could be something else, but daily weed by 14 didn't help what was once a killer memory for numbers); but I like who I am today and minus the opiates I think I'd be ok. Heroin has cost me way too much though, I think that with all of the drugs and without the heroin, I'd be in a pretty different place that I am today..

But I still love occasional E and I love GHB, and I still like burning herb tho I could live without it; I love drinking and playing pool and drunxor secks and all the fun and shenanigans that can happen with fun people on fun drugs and I don't regret any of that - great times have been and will be had..

I truly believe that in the end, the price of (at least) street opiate addiction is so costly that most experienced folk would trade it all back. I know I would..

They feel GREAT, but it's cost me way too much and spending the rest of my life cursed with the little voice in my head that reminds me how much fun it is to cop in foreign cities and sample new dope, and that reminds me that 40-50mg of hydrocodone is MUCH more effective than the prescribed amount, and that half the bottle of opiated cough syrup really feels much better than a couple tsp, and that heroin is the worlds greatest sleep aid, and that tells me to forget about the all the fucking consequences and to just get high today and deal tomorrow. I want that voice gone, dead, it has cost me WAY too much..

And I fear many on this board really have no idea what they're in for in the long run, and that's not my business, ya'll are adults and should make your own decisions, but heroin has its stigma for a very real reason..

Cursed for life once the novelty wears off, and a laundry list of dead friends in the wake.. Too many to count, really..

Fuck heroin.

[rosebud]

Didn't vote, to me there are drugs and then there are opiates - two entirely different games..

I regret getting so heavily into weed at such a young age that it forever fucked with my memory (tho I suspect it could be something else, but daily weed by 14 didn't help what was once a killer memory for numbers); but I like who I am today and minus the opiates I think I'd be ok. Heroin has cost me way too much though, I think that with all of the drugs and without the heroin, I'd be in a pretty different place that I am today..

But I still love occasional E and I love GHB, and I still like burning herb tho I could live without it; I love drinking and playing pool and drunxor secks and all the fun and shenanigans that can happen with fun people on fun drugs and I don't regret any of that - great times have been and will be had..

I truly believe that in the end, the price of (at least) street opiate addiction is so costly that most experienced folk would trade it all back. I know I would..

They feel GREAT, but it's cost me way too much and spending the rest of my life cursed with the little voice in my head that reminds me how much fun it is to cop in foreign cities and sample new dope, and that reminds me that 40-50mg of hydrocodone is MUCH more effective than the prescribed amount, and that half the bottle of opiated cough syrup really feels much better than a couple tsp, and that heroin is the worlds greatest sleep aid, and that tells me to forget about the all the fucking consequences and to just get high today and deal tomorrow. I want that voice gone, dead, it has cost me WAY too much..

And I fear many on this board really have no idea what they're in for in the long run, and that's not my business, ya'll are adults and should make your own decisions, but heroin has its stigma for a very real reason..

Cursed for life once the novelty wears off, and a laundry list of dead friends in the wake.. Too many to count, really..

Fuck heroin.

Hey "He who chops his stix", for the sake of argument, lets say by Drugs, the definition we are talking is...... any mind altering substance we take (or have taken) that was for no other reason that to get: high, wasted, fucked up, trashed, mildly euphoric, lost, found, taken to another spiritual place, calmed down, worked up or to a higher level of consciousness! For example, I dont mean meds you were/are prescribed for a certain ailment that you took/take strictly for that reason and as soon as the issue you are suffering from got better, you stop taking the meds and actually LEFT the half filled bottle, box etc sitting in your bathroom cupboard for years on end until one day you noticed it was still there and non-chalantly tossed it in the garbage....I cant believe I was actually one of those peeps up until my mid thirties!

Mastah Stix, your point is an excellent one and one I believe to be right on (now underlined and bolded above)! If I had known what I was in for all those years ago, I would have steered as clear as I could get! I miss the days when the thoughts of: how many __ do I have left, when is the first day my next refill can be called in, do I have enough __ to make it until refill time, shit I wonder if I screwed myself up so bad this time I will go into withdrawal before I can get a refill etc etc.....I REALLY miss the days when those thoughts were not constantly running through my brain like a fucking news ticker across the bottom of a tv screen!! I want to be carefree again (regarding meds). I want to be like normal peeps who go for months or years without thinking about this topic. I want to experience life's wonders without this topic always kicking around at some level in my mind-that song that is stuck on your head and you cant get it out-know what I mean?

I think about all the moments, times, experiences I have lost out on or only half participated in because I was either so distracted worrying about running out of meds, trying to figure out how I could score more meds or was so fucked up on meds that I was in no way "present" or living in the moment yada yada yada. My instinct is to adopt a cool attitude and be like, whatever, drugs have made me who I am and I have no regrets and this is the path I am supposed to be on for some higher (ha ha) reason but really.....am I?

I was talking to my bro about this (the recovered junky/alcoholic going on 5 years clean and sober-yeah!!) and he said, it was only when he reached he moment of feeling true, authentic regret over all he had lost, all he had given up, all the promises broken and messes he had created that.... he was ready for recovery. He said (in his opinion only) you really have to reach that bare, exposed, naked place of admitting that to yourself before you can actually embrace the idea that life can and will (likely) be better once you live it without being or chasing the high all the time. He said for a long time, the drugs helped him to call bullshit on (and convince himself it was true) the idea that he wished he had never done drugs. He said in his mind, it sounded too square, boring and straightlaced and he was way too cool for that. He said it would have been so un-cool in his old circle of "friends" to be anything but cavilier about the notion and you added to your cred by saying things like, "mannnnn, I would do it all over again X 10 dude blah fucking BS blah". :cool:

I asked if he really does go days/weeks without thinking about or craving drugs and he said Hell-Ya, sometimes months! He also said it wasnt until about his 3rd year that he got to that place and that it is a......long, hard road which is why a lot of folks give up and in. It took him dozens of attempts and coding twice on a life flight to finally get his act together and kick it for good! I am so proud of him and love and admire him endlessly. :)

Now, he says he relishes the square life-way more energy, real friends and friendships ditto romaces, lots more money to spend on nice things, way less drama and most important to him, way more self respect when he looks at himself in the mirror every morning......But that is just his story and he is quick to say we all have our own raods to travel and he has zero judgment about anyone else and what road they take. I say ditto!

I thought that was good food for thought! :)

[southernbelle]

Crap. I went on the assumption we were talking about opiates only, not anything else. I used to smoke weed (until it didn't do anything but make me paranoid), I used to do coke (until I realized how expensive the shit was!), I used to do ludes, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I could take or leave any of it...until I tried opiates. I wish to god I'd never done the first one. There is no way on this planet I can just chip, I just can't. And that's sad.

[God_Albino]

thinking about shit like this is unhealthy, i pray for brain repair and for good feelings to return every day, but i was such an arrogant little prick before drugs (and during), i feel like i had to have my mind and body broken before i could start growing spiritually. aha i sound like some born again NA dude or somethin

fuck it, yes i wish i did not go on a three year robotrip instead of learn shit and get scholarships, i regret it with every cell of every day. i wish i did not go through cases of whippets and mix bad e with cough syrup and maois, i wish i didnt have this pathetic opiate addiction. i wish i could have maintained a sense of moderation, at the very least. but i cant say i wish i never used drugs, i would have potentially ended up a far uglier kind of person, albeit more intelligent and successful.

all of it destroyed the real bad in me but also everything good and beautiful. its like hiroshima in my skull but i got the shadows from the blast still stuck to the walls to kinda remember what was killed

[Duckfeet]

I don't know. Probably not...it's just hard for my brain to compute rewriting anything...and of course, like most people, if I could do that, I'd sort of "cherrypick" u know, and change a couple of girls around, maybe get some more tattoos on my left shoulder, *not* do bathtub crank in Louisiana, etc., etc...

A philosopher who sometimes made sense to me once said we should live as tho our lives would reccur enternally, and that always made much more sense to me than any religious or buddhist notions eternal justice and stuff...but in any case, I'm content enough with my lot, and feel that--for a boy like me--I've been pretty lucky, all in all, and hey, if I rewrote my life, I wouldn't have met you and all my other pals on here, and yeah, the one total endless heartbreak of my life comes to mind, and I wouldn't even have wanted to miss that...so...No. Every tear shed was worth it.

[Seedy]

That's a tough question for me, i was a drug addict from the first time I got drunk. I started living for the weekends (still at school)... that lead on to smoking weed, psychedelics, stimulants, downers then opiates. I guess there's some underlying problem that lead me to addiction in general and if I hadn't used drugs to fill the gaping void I would have used something else... If I hadn't stumbled across opiates I'd probably be an alcoholic (kind of am but it doesn't impact too badly on my life). If I hadn't got into drugs I probably would have fucked up my life in another, possibly much worse way.

[losangeleslifer]

Didn't vote, to me there are drugs and then there are opiates - two entirely different games..

I regret getting so heavily into weed at such a young age that it forever fucked with my memory (tho I suspect it could be something else, but daily weed by 14 didn't help what was once a killer memory for numbers); but I like who I am today and minus the opiates I think I'd be ok. Heroin has cost me way too much though, I think that with all of the drugs and without the heroin, I'd be in a pretty different place that I am today..

But I still love occasional E and I love GHB, and I still like burning herb tho I could live without it; I love drinking and playing pool and drunxor secks and all the fun and shenanigans that can happen with fun people on fun drugs and I don't regret any of that - great times have been and will be had..

I truly believe that in the end, the price of (at least) street opiate addiction is so costly that most experienced folk would trade it all back. I know I would..

They feel GREAT, but it's cost me way too much and spending the rest of my life cursed with the little voice in my head that reminds me how much fun it is to cop in foreign cities and sample new dope, and that reminds me that 40-50mg of hydrocodone is MUCH more effective than the prescribed amount, and that half the bottle of opiated cough syrup really feels much better than a couple tsp, and that heroin is the worlds greatest sleep aid, and that tells me to forget about the all the fucking consequences and to just get high today and deal tomorrow. I want that voice gone, dead, it has cost me WAY too much..

And I fear many on this board really have no idea what they're in for in the long run, and that's not my business, ya'll are adults and should make your own decisions, but heroin has its stigma for a very real reason..

Cursed for life once the novelty wears off, and a laundry list of dead friends in the wake.. Too many to count, really..

Fuck heroin.

Damn.

Publish that shit.

[Deadfiend]

A Junky is a Junkie is a junky, that's is the life that I live that's the life I would live, not matter if it was caused by pain or not, I read a lot when I was very young, I read "Junky" "on the road" and "Naked Lunch" any many others for the beats and the also from the Mod's, Skins and Punks, and I seen a lot for my age, this is around the time I was going into j/h, I was in pain all the time from my chronic abdominal pain, and I all ready knew without knowing where I was headed and where I would end up, I used to see though see the Nancy Reagan"s "Just say no" adds that would show on t.v with the kid running and at the end a cops had would land on him and they would say "a lot of kids say they want to grow up to be something but no one ever says that they want to be a junky" lol, I would sit there and say I dream of being a junky, fucking dream about it if it would make me feel right, I felt was in w/d before I ever used anything!!! At last I found a Medicine Man, then they tryed a ton of med's on me and found that only barbiturates and opioid drug help me, so in the end yes re-write what the fuck you want I would still be here and have a need, and want to be here to be here....
This is my life it needs no rewrites......

[libertine]

A philosopher who sometimes made sense to me once said we should live as tho our lives would reccur enternally, and that always made much more sense to me than any religious or buddhist notions eternal justice and stuff

its too bad the nazis took him way out of context, although with chapters named "why i am such a great philosopher" and what not, it'd be kind of hard to decipher, but he really did say it was stupid to hate jews...

but he was easily the most poetic of them all, his prose was beauty in the night

[Duckfeet]

Yep. And much of what I think the west is going thru, he pretty much saw coming...he knew that once we had shooken free from any serious religious faith, and quit hanging on our grandparent's ethical coat-tails, we might find a terrifying abyss beneath us...why be good?...when I read "The Road" by McCarthy I thought so much of Nietzsche...what a sad brilliant man he was, and so misunderstood and maligned...

I read mostly just bits and pieces of him, and like most convicts who read books, thought that he just gave me more justification for being a criminal...he would have rightfully scorned people like us...I just finished a while back a really good bio of him, by some lady, I forget who, but it was worth plowing thru...



its too bad the nazis took him way out of context, although with chapters named "why i am such a great philosopher" and what not, it'd be kind of hard to decipher, but he really did say it was stupid to hate jews...

but he was easily the most poetic of them all, his prose was beauty in the night

[rosebud]

Rosebud, I think this is going to be a VERY interesting thread. I would def. still recreationally but i wouldnt have wasted all the damn time and money i did on cocaine and i'd of gone right to opiates!!

I also would have started stripping earlier and put some of the money away instead of buying fancy clothes/shoes/handbags and cocaine everyday! Cause now-a-days I am in a great relationship and I wont dance cause he doesnt like that and that is a dead chapter in my life but i def. dont make what i used to and if I'd of saved some then i wouldnt live paycheck to paycheck supporting my growing habit

Hey WG,

Just make sure the choices you make are the ones that ultimately make you happy. Maybe stopping stripping and making less money doesnt directly make you happy, but being in a good relationship with a good guy makes you happy, sooooo your decision to stop stripping is maybe indirectly making you (directly) happy?.....LAME (Laughing At Myself Endlessly) Good God, I can tell it is time for bed. I sound like a 19 year old NBA player being interviewed after winning the big game......:rolleyes:

Marv Albert : So, what did you see in this game that really pumped you up Petey?

Petey: Well Marv, when we went out there, we knew we needed to do what needed to be done. So, when we found out what it was we needed to do, we got that done. Coach said, go out there and do what needs to be done and so we went out there and we decided what we needed to do, we did it and team got it done......

Marv Albert: Thanks Petey, that really gives us the inside scoop on what goes on in the average NBA player's head....now back to you Steve! :D

[oxymoron530]

I wouldn't change a thing.... except for the year I was using crank. I hurt so many people and became such an ugly person on that stuff. No wonder they call it shit. I'm glad that now every time I think about it, I want to puke. Sick. But everything else was good. I learned a lot of interesting and life changing things while on psychedelics, and I wouldn't trade that knowledge or my new outlook on life for anything. I made life long super best all time buddies (4 of them!) while on E. I spent countless hours hanging out drunk at the river with my friends. I talked and smoked up a storm on coke. Laughed until I thought I was going to die from suffocation on pot (which I still love, but can't do anymore). And finally, bonded so well with my girlfriend on opiates, which is the only drug I do anymore. So, no, I would only change a few minor details. I'm getting sentimental and homesick now! So many good memories.

[rosebud]

Hmm... compelling question, RB... My answer is short.

I wouldn't re-write my drug life story. I didn't get into drugs until my 20's, and I'm glad I wasn't, like, a stoner by age 14 like most of my friends were. I don't even regret getting into heroin (yet)...

Wow Icky, you were a late bloomer compared to me! I quit doing almost everything by age 20 at college ( the weekend at the college didnt turn out like you planned, the things that pass for knowledge I cant understand). Of course my masochistic sibs started me at the tender age of mmm I think I was something like 9 or 10! It kind of worked out ok though. I had it all (mostly) out of my system by college and powered through a BS in 4 years. I wouldnt/couldnt have done that if I was still a stoner.....Shit, I couldnt have found my classroom if I had still been a stoner, never mind actually doing class, homework and taking tests! That was what finally made me quit at the start of college; I got too loaded on some killer sinse and couldn’t find my classroom for 2 hours! :o

Weed was becoming stronger all the time then (first half of the 80s). When I was truly "inducted" at of 12, we smoked "lids" (lol, some of ya’all remember Lids?) of things like Columbian Gold, "Mersh" (as in "commercial") or if we were REALLY lucky, actual, Jen-You-Ine Thai sticks (oh and lots of hash of course). Peeps dealt in weed quantities of pounds/ounces; rarely anything less than an ounce.

By the time I quit at 20, the beautiful sin semilla (translation: "w/o seeds") crops were arriving and the legendary Humboldt County product was beginning to have widespread distribution. This was usually accomplished via the stoners in Volkswagen vans who followed “the Dead” and would bring it up to Eugene and Portland with them to sell, trade or just share at the Dead version of a "tail gate" party (yeah, this was not your father's tail gate party). Back then it was all so innocent-in Oregon at least. Drug mafia was low profile or not present at all…... It was usually just Rick, the neighborhood dealer with the missing front tooth, the pot tattoo on his back and the penchant for getting stoned with customers every time they bought!! See, back then, we had “Marijuana Manners”! Sigh…..you just don’t see that with kids these days! :rolleyes:

In high school, we kept our bongs (complete with reeking water) in our lockers and took them to the smoking lounge at breaks (right in the middle of the freaken school) right in front of teachers etc walking past!! I wore a shirt to school regularly that had a huge pot leaf on it that said, “Keep Oregon Green”! Laughing. Can you see schools allowing any of that NOW? But back then, everyone (especially the teachers who all went to college in the 60's and 70's) was getting high.

So-I revise my decision. I dont think I'd change the HS-weed days because it was all so (comparatively) innocent and low key (yes, we even had to watch Reefer Madness in Social Studies-it was best viewed REALLY stoned). Everyone shared, nobody was addicted to the point where it became an issue and I loved the stoner group in HS. By that time, we took the school over, wrestling it from the perky hands of the cheerleaders and the muscle bound arms of the jocks ( who were all quietly getting stoned by then too!) Awwww, those were the days. We had such diversity in our...."gardening club"! :D

[rosebud]

I wouldn't change a thing.... except for the year I was using crank. I hurt so many people and became such an ugly person on that stuff. No wonder they call it shit. I'm glad that now every time I think about it, I want to puke. Sick. But everything else was good. I learned a lot of interesting and life changing things while on psychedelics, and I wouldn't trade that knowledge or my new outlook on life for anything. I made life long super best all time buddies (4 of them!) while on E. I spent countless hours hanging out drunk at the river with my friends. I talked and smoked up a storm on coke. Laughed until I thought I was going to die from suffocation on pot (which I still love, but can't do anymore). And finally, bonded so well with my girlfriend on opiates, which is the only drug I do anymore. So, no, I would only change a few minor details. I'm getting sentimental and homesick now! So many good memories.

Ughhh Oxy, totally agree on Crank. That truly is the Devils Drug IMHO. :( I have seen nothing but destruction come of using that pathetic excuse for a drug. In my view, drugs shouldnt have ingredients that destroy your teeth, organs, bones and mind even when just done in casual use. Now, the "destroy the mind" part by itself, well that can be allowed but the rest of it?? No, not in my perfect drug world. I dont think drugs should be allowed to carry the title if they have things in them like ajax or dextro-fucking-methorphan and eat the mucus lining of your mouth/gums and stomach among other things.

It has been my personal experience that Crank also truly makes people crazy-whacko. That was what my bro and his friends were totally hooked on for years, so I got to see that world up close and personal and thanks, but no thanks.....Here in Central Valley Cali, it is deadly. Totally taken over the low income areas and people. Makes me sad....same with meth of course and often meth and crank are interchangable around here: same same same!! Way back when it was called "bathtub speed' cause they would make big batches of it in a bathtub-usually in a trailer out in the middle of nowhere that they turned into a crank-meth lab.....nasty shiz, all-dat! :mad:

[Morphus]

Not that it's a big deal, crank is a slang name for meth. Crank=meth, at least where I'm from. I think it's a good nickname, drug slang names require them to be one syllable and evocative of the drugs effects. I think maybe early 90s slang crank was a more popular nickname, now it's "ice" "speed" "shards" etc. Same shit, a buncha different names.

[chopstix]

They call speed "crank" cos bikers at least used to move the shit in the crank cases of their bikes, probably still do.. Same drug..

[limitless_euphoria]

Ugggg, great but difficult topic for me! I torture myself with the whole prospect of "What if I'd never done any drugs WHATSOEVER" or "What if all I tried was weed--since my life never really went out of whack until I started with coke and the harders stuff?"

I don't know what. First of all I'd have a whole bunch more money! I think most of us who have used for any length of time will agree on that one. Then again, whose to say we wouldn't have spent the $ on something else!?

I really wish I had never tried smack and especially never tried IVing it. That was a big bone-head mistake. I definitely wish I hadn't tried coke either. That's what I wasted a lot of $ on for at least a couple of years before I got heavy into opiates. Hell, the only reason I really switched over to opiates was because I couldn't take the uppers any more.

But, had I done all of that different, consider the butterfly effect. Would I have been in the same places at the same times? No. Could one little thing have worked out in my favor by going to cop--as in, what if I'd stayed where I was and gotten hit by a bus versus make that magical phone call and go meet "the guy" ya know???

I can drive myself insane with "what if" thinking. I guess if I were transported back into a healthy 18 year old body with my knowledge I'd try to stay the fuck away--try being the operative in that sentence.

[rosebud]

Not that it's a big deal, crank is a slang name for meth. Crank=meth, at least where I'm from. I think it's a good nickname, drug slang names require them to be one syllable and evocative of the drugs effects. I think maybe early 90s slang crank was a more popular nickname, now it's "ice" "speed" "shards" etc. Same shit, a buncha different names.

Yes, that has been mostly my experience too but I was corrected on this (that is why I said they can be the same around here). I was told Crank was the older, less refined version of meth and that there is a difference. Who knew? I always thought they were the same and Crank was just the old name as in it would crank you up or turn you into a crank-take your pick. :rolleyes: Someone told me that there is actually a difference in chemical structure but I dont know that I totally believe this person. They said Crank is what they used to make with stuff like fertilizer and way harsher chems/processes etc and meth is a smoother, marginally better version of basically the same idear. I think they use less battery acid in meth or something-:rolleyes:

I dunno if it makes a diff. It's been my experience that both are basically super charged, rough/cheap speeds that send people on 3-10 day tweaks, scratchen like mad, breathing like blow fish, jumpen like mad, talken a mile a minute and last but not least, often (not always) acting as nasty as all get out right up to the moment they crash for 24 hours (thank god). S'all I know....

[Morphus]

Yeah I've heard the same dubious claim about crank being "bad" and meth being"good". I don't buy it, meth is meth, sometimes high quality and pink, sometimes low quality and looking like "ice". Semantics I suppose.

[HandMeSomeOpiates]

Honestly, I'd give it all up opiate wise. I would just smoke my sweet Mary Jane and be content. Opiates have caused me to I guess you could say "Slack-Off" in life. I've missed out on a lot of life, and I believe that "drive" would be there inside me if I were to never have used opiates. Opiates over time seem too eliminate motivation and drive.

[lotus]

i didn't vote, cause i'm not sure i'd be able to change anything.

it wasn't a slow thing that happen'd over a whole lot of time. i was really young, i dove in, and didn't come up for air till i stop'd breathing and floated back up 15 years later. almost literally.

i've never been able to stop myself. uncomfortable is the only word that begins to describe how i felt, and drugs - all of them - made me comfortable. opiates top'd the cake, the odd shot of coke was the cherry on top. i take into consideration my age, and i cannot see how it adding to it would of made things any easier as you just get more and more awkward till adulthood......and even then......who the fuck knows what's happening anyways?

yes, i like - LOVE - who i am now, no i can't see being anything else, however, i'm 32 and 2/3's of my life is total bullshit. mountains of it, that've left me, on the best of days, fuck'd inside out.

most of the real word, and how it works, it totally lost on me. or maybe it isn't the real world - all the things that keep us amused, confused, and constantly distracted.......i've tried, and tried like all hell to buy in but i can't. and for that, i'm repeatedly told i'm "funny" a.k.a politely saying Not Normal. i'm fuckin tired of it. i'm fucking tired of it, and i'm tired of trying to be anything other than what i am.......and for that, true peace and comfort is slowly seeping in.

i'm tired of NOTHING ever measuring up to a dirty tiny shot of warm water and what may or may not be in it.

i'm tired of knowing i was a junky while having zero clue of anything else. WOW, i know all kinds of drug things about all kinds of drugs used by all kinds of drug people. where does that get me?

actually, i lied - i knew it took everything, and gave nothing.

i've been on methadone the last......whatever years. i don't even know that. in that time the only thing i've done is not use. that's it. natural progression took me thru the ages of 12 to now, as best it could, and here i am.

still, i can hardly relate to anyone, or anything.

all this while i've just keep trudging thru, waiting for it to get better.

i finally realized it isn't going to happen. i fucked myself up, and this is how it's going to be from here on out. yeah certain things will improve with time - as they already have - but this is my life, and it's not much of one.

for a while i was happy with just being happy. so what if i work a shit job i don't really like and just fumble thru quietly and humbly.

now, everyday, this overwhelming, overbearing feeling of THIS IS IT. everything you see, hear, touch and smell.......when you're gone so is it. this is your one shot at life - this is it.

if it isn't - bonus.....but nobody knows and it's something that's not worth counting on.

i just - i'm tired of wasting every fuckin thing that comes my way.......and is this less of a life than the alternative? i'd like to think not.

sorry if all that ^ appears depressing. i'm not depress'd, just had one LONG, shitty, lost in life day.

[rosebud]

i didn't vote, cause i'm not sure i'd be able to change anything.

it wasn't a slow thing that happen'd over a whole lot of time. i was really young, i dove in, and didn't come up for air till i stop'd breathing and floated back up 15 years later. almost literally.

i've never been able to stop myself. uncomfortable is the only word that begins to describe how i felt, and drugs - all of them - made me comfortable. opiates top'd the cake, the odd shot of coke was the cherry on top. i take into consideration my age, and i cannot see how it adding to it would of made things any easier as you just get more and more awkward till adulthood......and even then......who the fuck knows what's happening anyways?

yes, i like - LOVE - who i am now, no i can't see being anything else, however, i'm 32 and 2/3's of my life is total bullshit. mountains of it, that've left me, on the best of days, fuck'd inside out.

most of the real word, and how it works, it totally lost on me. or maybe it isn't the real world - all the things that keep us amused, confused, and constantly distracted.......i've tried, and tried like all hell to buy in but i can't. and for that, i'm repeatedly told i'm "funny" a.k.a politely saying Not Normal. i'm fuckin tired of it. i'm fucking tired of it, and i'm tired of trying to be anything other than what i am.......and for that, true peace and comfort is slowly seeping in.

i'm tired of NOTHING ever measuring up to a dirty tiny shot of warm water and what may or may not be in it.

i'm tired of knowing i was a junky while having zero clue of anything else. WOW, i know all kinds of drug things about all kinds of drugs used by all kinds of drug people. where does that get me?

actually, i lied - i knew it took everything, and gave nothing.

i've been on methadone the last......whatever years. i don't even know that. in that time the only thing i've done is not use. that's it. natural progression took me thru the ages of 12 to now, as best it could, and here i am.

still, i can hardly relate to anyone, or anything.

all this while i've just keep trudging thru, waiting for it to get better.

i finally realized it isn't going to happen. i fucked myself up, and this is how it's going to be from here on out. yeah certain things will improve with time - as they already have - but this is my life, and it's not much of one.

for a while i was happy with just being happy. so what if i work a shit job i don't really like and just fumble thru quietly and humbly.

now, everyday, this overwhelming, overbearing feeling of THIS IS IT. everything you see, hear, touch and smell.......when you're gone so is it. this is your one shot at life - this is it.

if it isn't - bonus.....but nobody knows and it's something that's not worth counting on.

i just - i'm tired of wasting every fuckin thing that comes my way.......and is this less of a life than the alternative? i'd like to think not.

sorry if all that ^ appears depressing. i'm not depress'd, just had one LONG, shitty, lost in life day.

I dunno Lotus, once upon a time I would have bought all that until I watch my bro rise like a phoenix from the ashes! He started smoking dope when he was 12, was shooten crank by 15, H by 17. Shot, snorted, swallowed, swilled (you name it, as long as it starts with the letter S-lol) anything and everything for 30 years, all the way until he coded twice on that life flight 5 years ago at the age of 45.

NOW, he is a different man. He loves life. He did go the AA route but I think it can be whatever route works for you. He has a really close, super supportive AA group. He got out of the environment (ie city) that was adding to his problem and is now up in a more rural area in the Rockies-closer to nature and much further from his old drug crowd. He fishes on his days off, dates a girl, works at a nation wide chain and makes decent money having worked his way up ther the last 4 years being an excellent salesman-kid wouldnt tell a lie now if you paid him and it shows. He lives in a decent house in a decent neighborhood-surrounded by loving/proud family and friends.....and he is happy, TRULY happy!

Now I aint gonna lie, I had written him off (in my head) years ago. Never thought he would make it to 50. Well, this year it was the big double 5 for him, 5 years clean and 50 years old! Honestly, if it can happen for him-a kid that was literally in the gutter, it can happen for anyone. I truly truly believe that. :)

Oh, and Lotus, he even had one more mark against him. On top of "using" most of his life, he was born a severe drug/alcohol bambino. Mums was taking qualudes, librium, pain meds and at times drinking up to a 5th of booze a day (no lie-she admitted this many times after she cleaned up her life and spent many years trying to rescue him as a result of extreme guilt). Kid didnt stand a chance before he was born, swimming out of that toxic amniotic fluid and into the real world.....:(

So, please dont feel hopeless Lotus. You may not be able to "re-do your drug life", but I FIRMLY believe you can undo your drug life iffen ya wants ta! If my bro can do it at 45 anyone can. If my mom can do it at 47 (with 10 friggen knee biters and a husband who flew the coop) and go back to school and get a masters in detox counseling and live another 33 very happy, very fullfilling years.....anyone can! :) Chin up Lotus!

[Deadfiend]

Sorry for my reply last night, what I wanted say I did, and got I think that I got my point though, but my grammar and was not the finest so sorry, too much of the *stuff* and drink of the gods inside me, sure that you all understand, the reason I wright this is because my use of the keyboard has been poor for some time now, and I have been mostly posting at night as of late, so I'm sure a lot of you know how that go's....:cool:

[rosebud]

Sorry for my reply last night, what I wanted say I did, and got I think that I got my point though, but my grammar and was not the finest so sorry, too much of the *stuff* and drink of the gods inside me, sure that you all understand, the reason I wright this is because my use of the keyboard has been poor for some time now, and I have been mostly posting at night as of late, so I'm sure a lot of you know how that go's....:cool:

No worries, I wasnt offended. You said what you felt and that's what it's all about!:cool: I appreciate the fact that you took the time to participate. I am finding the answers to the poll and the questions totally fascinating!

[existential_apathy]

I have absolutely no regrets over my drug use and would change nothing. Psychedelics gave me insights and perspectives that would have been impossible to achieve otherwise. DMT especially helped me overcome my fear of death. Salvia and shrooms were very interesting in a philosophical way. I've been using opiates on and off every weekend for around two years now. At that level it's just a fun thing to look forward to after a hard week of work.

If I had to start things over then I doubt that anything would be very different. I've always had deep interests in consciousness ever since I attempted lucid dreaming and forcing (unsuccesfully unfortunately) as a teenager. I haven't noticed any negative effects from my drug use, whether physically or psychologically. My intellect has not deteriorated.

[rosebud]

I have absolutely no regrets over my drug use and would change nothing. Psychedelics gave me insights and perspectives that would have been impossible to achieve otherwise. DMT especially helped me overcome my fear of death. Salvia and shrooms were very interesting in a philosophical way. I've been using opiates on and off every weekend for around two years now. At that level it's just a fun thing to look forward to after a hard week of work.

If I had to start things over then I doubt that anything would be very different. I've always had deep interests in consciousness ever since I attempted lucid dreaming and forcing (unsuccesfully unfortunately) as a teenager. I haven't noticed any negative effects from my drug use, whether physically or psychologically. My intellect has not deteriorated.

Yup. I hear ya. I feel a little more that way about smoking pot or doing things like shrooms, peyote, acid etc than I do about drugs like coke, speed, narcs etc. It is the latter group that seems to fuck things up more imho!

[lotus]

So, please dont feel hopeless Lotus. You may not be able to "re-do your drug life", but I FIRMLY believe you can undo your drug life iffen ya wants ta! If my bro can do it at 45 anyone can. If my mom can do it at 47 (with 10 friggen knee biters and a husband who flew the coop) and go back to school and get a masters in detox counseling and live another 33 very happy, very fullfilling years.....anyone can! :) Chin up Lotus!


i don't doubt that - it's the problem of......i dunno........everything sinking in.

(i re-read the post....i'm nowhere near as hopeless as it appears to sound - long fukin day yesterday - konk'd out after writing it and slept the whole nite thru)

i'm actually, for the first time, happy. i can see myself building a life, and i'm excited about waking up in the morning, every morning.

thing is, the shit just seems to be weighing down on me like - i dunno what of late. i get angry about how little i actually do know, upset about just pissing it away, sad that i couldn't be bother'd to do anything else.

the combo of having the mentality of someone 18 who thinks they can take over the world, with the reality of 32 years letting me know that's not the way it works.

your family - that's awesome ~

[DCBA]

I would do the same, with more careful for hepatitis..

[rosebud]

Crap. I went on the assumption we were talking about opiates only, not anything else. I used to smoke weed (until it didn't do anything but make me paranoid), I used to do coke (until I realized how expensive the shit was!), I used to do ludes, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I could take or leave any of it...until I tried opiates. I wish to god I'd never done the first one. There is no way on this planet I can just chip, I just can't. And that's sad.


I totally understand that SB and I am with you completely. I could (and did) walk away from all kinds of street fun-nothing ever held me in its grip until opiates. I used to always think (in the back of my mind) well, someday when I am done with my fun, I will just go back to chipping.....now I clearly see, it will be all or nothing. No chip shots for me! ;)

Like many on here, my experience with them started completely innocently via emergency surgery in my mid 20s and went from there.....

I had pretty much identical experiences to yours re: other stuff. I never have tried ludes. I think after seeing mums strung out on them for so many years and witnessing all she almost lost (and did lose like pretty much any memory of my entire childhood) after years upon years of ludes....that is one thing I didnt really have any strong desire to try. Thank god for small miracles! :rolleyes:

Best to you friend! :)

[rosebud]

I would do the same, with more careful for hepatitis..

I am sorry, I do not in any way mean to be rude but....I dont understand this post?

[rosebud]

i don't doubt that - it's the problem of......i dunno........everything sinking in.

(i re-read the post....i'm nowhere near as hopeless as it appears to sound - long fukin day yesterday - konk'd out after writing it and slept the whole nite thru)

i'm actually, for the first time, happy. i can see myself building a life, and i'm excited about waking up in the morning, every morning.

thing is, the shit just seems to be weighing down on me like - i dunno what of late. i get angry about how little i actually do know, upset about just pissing it away, sad that i couldn't be bother'd to do anything else.

the combo of having the mentality of someone 18 who thinks they can take over the world, with the reality of 32 years letting me know that's not the way it works.

your family - that's awesome ~

Hey Lotus,

I was glad to see you say you are happy and excited about waking up in the morning-that is awesome! You know, for me thinking about the past is helpful if I use it to take a lesson from as I go forward versus to condem myself to repeating it or allowing myself the luxury of just wallowing in it. I view it as kind of a take on that Edmund Burke quote "those who dont know their history are destined to repeat it". For me it is more like.....If I dont remember my own history, I am destined to repeat it. So, in other words, dont dwell on your past with the intent of using it to beat yourself up with (that truly was not the intent of this thread) or to set yourself up for certain failure (as in, "I always do this or this always happens ") but use it to help shape your future. Does that make sense? There is another great quote on this topic by ole willy shakespear...."What's Past is Prologue". I like to think of it more like, what is past can be prologue....I think you have a choice and the past doesnt necessarily have to be prologue unless you let it. More like, use the past and take away lessons from it in order for it not to be prologue!

Thanks for your kind words about my family and also, thanks for participating in this thread with an open heart and mind Lotus. You rock! :)

[taj]

I am sorry, I do not in any way mean to be rude but....I dont understand this post?

English isn't his first language..

[smack man]

Well I'm a fucking junkie and I wish that I wasn't. But it is what it is...

[dugwylor]

I think it'd change me too much. I remember how I was before opiates and I know how I am now... I may not mull over the hardest parts of life as much, but I'm certainly happier. My addiction is far enough in check that I'd like to think it enhances life. Still doing well on my second degree, am able to enjoy myself when I want without my life revolving around drug use (though it still being a large part; marriage, absolutely).

[lotus]

Hey Lotus,

I was glad to see you say you are happy and excited about waking up in the morning-that is awesome! You know, for me thinking about the past is helpful if I use it to take a lesson from as I go forward versus to condem myself to repeating it or allowing myself the luxury of just wallowing in it. I view it as kind of a take on that Edmund Burke quote "those who dont know their history are destined to repeat it". For me it is more like.....If I dont remember my own history, I am destined to repeat it. So, in other words, dont dwell on your past with the intent of using it to beat yourself up with (that truly was not the intent of this thread) or to set yourself up for certain failure (as in, "I always do this or this always happens ") but use it to help shape your future. Does that make sense? There is another great quote on this topic by ole willy shakespear...."What's Past is Prologue". I like to think of it more like, what is past can be prologue....I think you have a choice and the past doesnt necessarily have to be prologue unless you let it. More like, use the past and take away lessons from it in order for it not to be prologue!

Thanks for your kind words about my family and also, thanks for participating in this thread with an open heart and mind Lotus. You rock! :)


thinking/dwelling/mulling on the past is what got and kept me clean. may not be for everybody, but it's the only way i managed.

never thought in the way of i always do this - but, more like, i can't let that happen again. HowEver, i did find comfort in beating myself up. somehow it seem'd just...like it was the only way i could *repent*. i dunno, that in itself took on a life of it's own and severely side track'd me.

just, lost sight somewhere........now, slowly gaining it back.

[Opiyum]

I didn't pick an option but I know one thing I would definitely do is start tolerance control much earlier on and I would have just started with heroin rather than a few years of Oxy and hydrocodone first.

Oh...I also would have payed attention in school in the areas of biology and chemistry specifically. I would have then started manufacturing fentanyl. It is my understanding that with one and a half kilo's of "this" and a liter of "that" and some stirring and cooking and filtering one can find themselves with a half kilo of a substituted fentanyl. And a half kilo of fentanyl or one of it's more potent analogues comes to 10,000,000 doses at 50 micrograms per dose.
Even the diminished mental faculties that I have to live with on a daily basis are capable of telling me that this would be a profitable venture. Beaucoup de capitale.

[God_Albino]

the opening post of 'assuming you had the knowledge you have now...' i realized makes this whole 'what if' bullshit. the only profound things ive learned have come through the pain and depression resulting from a scorched damaged brain and poor choices.

basically, if you were 13 and had the life experience and knowledge of a gutter junkie or crack whore, regardless of the funtionality of your mind, your worldview would be fucking destroyed. the things that pain and addiction teach you aren't happy truths.

if we're gonna what if, you cant know then what you know now. even in the context of imagination it doesnt work. haha

[rosebud]

the opening post of 'assuming you had the knowledge you have now...' i realized makes this whole 'what if' bullshit. the only profound things ive learned have come through the pain and depression resulting from a scorched damaged brain and poor choices.

basically, if you were 13 and had the life experience and knowledge of a gutter junkie or crack whore, regardless of the funtionality of your mind, your worldview would be fucking destroyed. the things that pain and addiction teach you aren't happy truths.

if we're gonna what if, you cant know then what you know now. even in the context of imagination it doesnt work. haha

No rules and you can play the game anyway you want GA. I was just giving people a concept to grab onto if they were struggling with getting a foothold on where to start.....I totally get your point and can understand it along with other points of view that differ. They dont have to be mutually exclusive in my world, but that is the beauty of rules and guidelines in my world, I am the only one who has to follow the cockamamie things! :p

Take care and thanks for saying whats on your mind. :)

[DreamSellerInc]

I have a lot of regrets over the things I've done, and the only regrets I have are from doing drugs. I've lost a lot of money over shootin dope and coke. But more importantly i've lost some of the most important things I've ever had in my life. I remember the first time i shot up i told my girlfriend of the time the same day, and i remember the way she bursted out crying. I was high as fuck that night layin there but I couldn't sleep for the way i felt like such a piece of shit. I cry myself sometimes at night in remorse and shame. Living at her parents house, shooting coke in the bathroom, coming out trying to be a good boyfriend but never being able to show her the love and attention she deserved. I lost a lot of things, all because of a fucking addiction.

But you know what. I wouldnt do anything different. Now I know.

[rosebud]

I have a lot of regrets over the things I've done, and the only regrets I have are from doing drugs. I've lost a lot of money over shootin dope and coke. But more importantly i've lost some of the most important things I've ever had in my life. I remember the first time i shot up i told my girlfriend of the time the same day, and i remember the way she bursted out crying. I was high as fuck that night layin there but I couldn't sleep for the way i felt like such a piece of shit. I cry myself sometimes at night in remorse and shame. Living at her parents house, shooting coke in the bathroom, coming out trying to be a good boyfriend but never being able to show her the love and attention she deserved. I lost a lot of things, all because of a fucking addiction.

But you know what. I wouldnt do anything different. Now I know.

Wow, that is sad DS but it sounds like you got something out of it all-a perspective on what the price of addiction is for you. Some people never get that before it is too late and there is no turning back. For some people, the price is not too high and they can handle it. For others.....not so much. I am in your group! Hang in there friend! There is hope and you can come out the other side of all this and be ok. You may have lost some things you will never get back-true, we all have. That doesnt mean there wont be new things, better things you will have in the future that you will hang onto mo betterer! I hear that happens..... :)

[buc]

I've waited several days now before attempting to reply to your question.

It's not an easy question. With thirtyfive years of drug use under my belt it's kinda like asking........would you like to have been someone else.

It's just too easy to say.........no I wouldn't change a thing.
My drug lifestyle is so ingrained it's hard to imagine any other life.
Overall I'm pleased with who I've been/become.

But I do have a few regrets.
As I said in a recent post........drugs got me into trouble.......not just with the law.
Addiction came before education........result.......I'm a dumbfuck.
Embarrassing when I couldn't help my kids with thier elementary homework.
So yea I wish I could have seen the importance of education..........instead of learning how to roll, or ounces in a pound, grams in an ounce......drug shit.

There are also some drugs I wish I hadn't tried........over and over again.
PCP........what the fuck was I thinking.
Jimson Weed.......once was enough for most of my buddies.......not me.
There are others I can't believe I would be so dumb to use........over and over.

Over the years I quit the drugs I don't enjoy and continue those I do.

Although I was quick to defend my drug use........I almost responded to this thread saying I wouldn't change a thing.
The most honest answer to you and myself is........yes.........I would re-write my drug life story.

[rosebud]

I've waited several days now before attempting to reply to your question.

It's not an easy question. With thirtyfive years of drug use under my belt it's kinda like asking........would you like to have been someone else.

It's just too easy to say.........no I wouldn't change a thing.
My drug lifestyle is so ingrained it's hard to imagine any other life.
Overall I'm pleased with who I've been/become.

But I do have a few regrets.
As I said in a recent post........drugs got me into trouble.......not just with the law.
Addiction came before education........result.......I'm a dumbfuck.
Embarrassing when I couldn't help my kids with thier elementary homework.
So yea I wish I could have seen the importance of education..........instead of learning how to roll, or ounces in a pound, grams in an ounce......drug shit.

There are also some drugs I wish I hadn't tried........over and over again.
PCP........what the fuck was I thinking.
Jimson Weed.......once was enough for most of my buddies.......not me.
There are others I can't believe I would be so dumb to use........over and over.

Over the years I quit the drugs I don't enjoy and continue those I do.

Although I was quick to defend my drug use........I almost responded to this thread saying I wouldn't change a thing.
The most honest answer to you and myself is........yes.........I would re-write my drug life story.

You know the thing about this site that fucks me up. Just when I have had enough and think that a good majority of the members or stupid shit asshats, I read a post like yours and it completely takes the angry wind out of my sails because it is so bare and honest.......wow. I had to read it twice because my eyes blurred with tears the first time through. :( : : : : : :

I hear you on the drugs better left un-done. I wish I had not ever used quite a few of them after 1 try-what WERE we thinking?! Obvious answer, we werent, we were high. I am much the same, the ones that are terrible, you couldnt pay me to pick up and try again but some that are mellow and not total grey matter destroying crap-those, I like to re-visit once in a while....like Hash or Peyote buttons. lol.

Thanks for posting that Buc. That took some guts to be that honest with yourself and others. I say you may not be able to help your kids with all their homework, but you will be a GREAT teacher of how to live a life well and avoid making terrible mistakes, and I think that is just as important (honestly maybe more, and this is a teacher talking here) for your children. :)

Take care friend.