It's hard being good!

[Badly Drawn Girl]

I have not had a clean UA yet at my clinic. I think I've been UA'd 4 times. One time I was clean for almost 2 months, and they never UA'd me. Then they hit me up a couple of times damn near back to back. I've been using at most once a week, always in the middle of the night when I'm dopesick and unable to take the pain any longer.

Now I haven't had a UA in 4-5 weeks, and I'm clean! Clean, clean, clean, clean.... I should have been UA'd on the first. But nooooo. And to top off my anticipation, I'm sitting on twenty 20mg Oxycontins, and 50 of the 10mg IRs. But I want my clean UA. I'm arguing with my addicted side of my personality which is trying to convince me that it's okay, I won't get into trouble because the clinic doesn't consider me stable yet, and it's not MY fault that my dose only lasts 12 hours. But my more rational side is pointing out that if I would just play by the rules, I could get more take-homes, and if I had more take-homes I could split dose myself. If I could split dose I would never need to take the Oxys in the first place.

I have no real point to this post except to whine. No one should complain because they have drugs. I know I'm blessed. But I've been working my ass off this week, lots of physical labor, and I'm in so much pain. I know that relief is right at my fingertips but I have to stay strong.

[DCBA]

So when do you think you will have an UA?
That has happen a lot to me.. it sucks.. being clean when not doing UA and being dirty when UA..

But that is only for getting more take home doses, or is it something to do with you try to be a good girl for a while? Internal/external peer pressures!?

[Badly Drawn Girl]

So when do you think you will have an UA?
That has happen a lot to me.. it sucks.. being clean when not doing UA and being dirty when UA..

But that is only for getting more take home doses, or is it something to do with you try to be a good girl for a while? Internal/external peer pressures!?

I should have had it on the first, so it could be any time. I'm just trying to get on the road to more take homes. I don't consider myself in treatment, and am not on methadone for any reason beyond superior pain management and being tired of hustling for pills. So I don't feel in the least bit bad about taking oxys occasionally when the 'done isn't working. I have no desire to be strong and stay clean just to stay clean when I'm actually in terrible pain. But if I could get my take home doses, I could then split dose which would end the need to use any oxys on the side.

Oh well, it's Sunday. I've only had a small amount of 'done today because I damn near doubled up yesterday. I've promised myself I will not being using tonight, so I'm looking forward to a relatively ugly evening. Ah well, pay to play right?

[Princess]

DAMN you are strong, girl! If it was me, I can't say I'd be as well behaved. Being a junkie AND suffering chronic pain is horrible!! I can't imagine the anxiety you're feeling!!

Stay strong girl!!

xo

[Duckfeet]

I had to UA once a month--V.A. rules--and I knew around the 1st week of month was when they did it...and I'd sort of ask/hint, around the 1st...since, in bad early days, I always had some clean piss in a jar w/me...once I got hit when I didn't expect it, and the piss was cold, and no hot water in bathroom, and--bigger than shit--they caught me...I played stupid, and said I had added cold water, as I thought that was o.k., blah blah blah...

But anyway, they always seemed alright w/me reminding them, and would go ahead and ua me any time after the 1st...as long as I didn't act *too* eager....

Anyway, good luck, I know what that is like...and I didn't even *feel* the drugs I was sitting on anymore--morphine er, norco, oxys--blah...nothing...but enough of a dopefiend to give it a try...but I managed to give enough clean pisses to get weekend takehomes--and if you can write them a convincing enough letter, some clinics--mine--will give you *two* days, rather than one after a few months clean UA, as I said I had to take care of elderly parents...

Other clinics, u need a doc saying you can't make it...that's a little harder...

[rockbottom]

^^^ like he said but microwave your piss t0 100 with a digital thermometr--drops to 90 or so on the way which is cool cause they usualy go by touch---good luck bad girl

[Badly Drawn Girl]

DAMN you are strong, girl! If it was me, I can't say I'd be as well behaved. Being a junkie AND suffering chronic pain is horrible!! I can't imagine the anxiety you're feeling!!

Stay strong girl!!

xo

Ackkk... I'm trying. Thanks for the support. I do find the irony in this situation. How many times would have given my left tit for a couple of pills, and now I'm pissed (ha, no pun intended) that pills seem to be multiplying around me and I can't take them?

Usually I cannot get to the clinic until about 9 am due to my older son's schedule but he just informed me he isn't going to school tomorrow. That frees me up to hit the clinic at 5 am. That means I just have to focus on getting through a couple of more hours and then I can sleep off the pain. This is the longest I've ever gone without taking pills, and I'm actually getting a small thrill from being strong. Course I'll be very happy if they greet me tomorrow with a cup to piss in!

And I actually did consider harvesting my own sample but I'm just not good at being sly. That worries me more than having to be dopesick for a little while.

[DCBA]

40minutes to go.. about 1h30 to all the pain go away, and maybe a little mood lift then... if its just the relief..