Acceptance of a truth.... [Archive]

Raz

11-16-2008, 12:52 AM

Finally admitting to myself that my drinking has gotten outta fuckin hand....Always used the ol excuse "its only beer"...so thats ok huh.....

Naw its not ok.....Opening the fridge for that 1st beer at 11.30 am and dont drink anything else but beer for the rest of the day....Day in day out.....Thats how its become.And i know my own metabolism enuff to know it aint doin me no fuckin good....

So i guess i am calling myself out on opi....Weeeyyyyy, i;ve become a fuckin drunk!!......

I think i know what i been afraid of....The Transition when you get all fuckin teary an emotional at the slightest thing...
I remember i did the same thing about 5yrs ago(detoxed off everything)....At the start of iraq and watching some of the fuckin horror stories on the Tv, kids gettin blown up,left with no arms an shit.....And me thinking to myself "wtf am i moaning about" and just feelin it for the people i saw on Tv who were left in a far worse place than some fuckin junkie/drunk who was doin a bitta detoxing....And these people didnt do shit.....Were just sitting at home minding their own business...And my tears were flowing man, for these people and for myself i guess.....
The ol emotions really do come flooding back....

So i guess this is it...Ol Raz is callin himself out with the booze....Time to stop....I know i got some shit nights ahead a me, plenty of tears, emotions that come flooding back coz ya arent sedating ya fucked up inconsistent brain anymore...
This really is something i gotta do, today..Not manana....I mention it here on opi, coz i got respect for the board and value the insights my fellow bro's have....And my word is good.So like now i gots no choice but to do it.....Just shut the fuck up and do it....No booze, no dope....Just the methadone...

I been putting this off for too long...:o.....The admitting it and the dealing wiv it.....

kellyblue

11-16-2008, 01:37 AM

Hey Raz-

Haven't talked to you personally yet, but I had to speak up here. I've followed you for quite awhile, and I KNOW you can do this! As they say, the first/worst part is actually admitting the problem, and you did that. To friends who will support you all the way. :)

You've got the strength to do this thing... you've proven that.

Good luck, if you need anything, please holler !

~K~

Raz

11-16-2008, 01:45 AM

^^^^Thank you......Today is numero uno,its 8.45 am here in espana....And what a day to quit drinkin...
Any day is a bad day to quit,i guess...:rolleyes:......But gotta start somewhere.....

kellyblue

11-16-2008, 01:49 AM

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... LOL! And you already have 8 hours and 45 minutes licked! See? You CAN do this!

~K~

Duckfeet

11-16-2008, 09:00 AM

Hang in there Raz: it gets better, u get used to it...I drank every day, I wasn't offshore or in jail...and started seeing it the way you do around the age of 38 or so, just was too proud, and hated what old drunks I knew were like...and then went back to it a few times, but finally got off it altogether in 1999, and still o.k. that "one day a time" thing seems to help me so much w/everything...when I start thinking of "my whole life boo hoo" without drinking--or opiates, for that matter--I get all depressed, and then say "fuck it"...but I've yet to find a day I couldn't get thru...or a morning that I wasn't glad I wasn't hungover or kicking...

Best wishes to u...

^^^^Thank you......Today is numero uno,its 8.45 am here in espana....And what a day to quit drinkin...
Any day is a bad day to quit,i guess...:rolleyes:......But gotta start somewhere.....

Saint

11-16-2008, 10:50 AM

Like I said, I came to a similar conclusion myself. Drinking every day just can't be good and unlike you it made me gain weight as well. So I'm with you. I hope you'll keep it up.
For starters try to quit for a few days and see how you feel then. Take it one day at a time. Some people are easily lured into using gear again after a few beers too many.. so it might be a good idea for that issue too.
Are you still planning on cutting down on the done too?
Good luck mate!

Papa Verine

11-16-2008, 02:18 PM

I had to quit again too Raz. I had my last drink in April or May, some time around then. That's probably why we haven't been chatting lately. When I'm drinking every day I tend to gravitate towards the other drunks, every time. We just seem to be on the same page all the time. Imagine that! But shit... I ALWAYS regret it. I don't mean I have that one day where I do something stupid, drink too much whatever... I mean I regret drinking every single time I do it. Alcohol is such a shitty way to get fucked up. It only lasts me about 20 miuntes before I have to drink some more to continue feeling good. It's too short-acting. So you have to keep drinking and drinking... and it high gets sloppy, and it feels good but it feels like shit at the same time. Then eventually it's all shit. My drunken life is shit and I feel like shit. I get bad hangovers, on top of other hangovers, sick...

I fuckin hate alcohol. I'm tempted sometimes... but I'm ALWAYS glad I didn't drink yesterday!

nick

11-16-2008, 02:25 PM

I'm still not drinking bro and if I can stop.....you can.

Much luck.

EleusisII

11-16-2008, 05:51 PM

Well good luck to ya...
Hope it works, allthough it's always easier to know what the right thing to do is, rather than doing it.

As we get older, our lives starts boxing us in, trapping us, and becoming harder to change.

At the same time, and this is where god really showed that he has a malevolent streak, we become better at recognizing ourselves, and recognizing the truth and lies in our life.

"I am a junkie, and I always will be"
"I drink too much"
"I am stuck in a loveless marriage, but I'll stay for the kids"
"I'll never be rich"
"I am stuck in a dead end job, and I'll never amount to more"
"My partner will never be the person I want him to be"

All examples of things that become easeier to realize and clearer to us the older we get, but at the same time become more and more powerless to do anything against.

Papa Verine

11-16-2008, 06:11 PM

"I am a junkie, and I always will be"
"I drink too much"
"I am stuck in a loveless marriage, but I'll stay for the kids"
"I'll never be rich"
"I am stuck in a dead end job, and I'll never amount to more"
"My partner will never be the person I want him to be"

Sounds about right to me... as long as things don't get any worse I'd be happy with this set-up. Life sucks... we all know it.

Duckfeet

11-16-2008, 06:21 PM

rockbottom

11-16-2008, 06:42 PM

i quit drinking just a few months ago---bad liver--but i had that over emotional shit for awhile--but it went away----so good luck to you---i was daily drinker for 25 plus years so its definatly doable;)

Duckfeet

11-16-2008, 10:56 PM

Never mind...fucked up post.....

Raz

11-17-2008, 02:17 AM

Old Arab Saying:
A man who is not handsome by the age of twenty...will be handsome
A man who is not strong by the age of thirty...will never be strong
A man who is not wealthy by the age of forty...will never be wealthy
A man who is not wise by the age of fifty...will never be wise...

Me, I missed all four of'em...but u guys still got a shot :)

Guess i still gotta shot at # 4......trying to be wise....I been handsome,i been strong and i had a few quid in my time....But not sure if i ever been wise.....Unless you consider getting a few not guilty verdicts wise.....?

But i sure been stupid in my time....Really stupid......So heres to change and acquiring some wisdom ..

SurfRat

11-17-2008, 03:46 AM

Guess i still gotta shot at # 4......trying to be wise....I been handsome,i been strong and i had a few quid in my time....But not sure if i ever been wise.....Unless you consider getting a few not guilty verdicts wise.....?

But i sure been stupid in my time....Really stupid......So heres to change and acquiring some wisdom ..

You got lot's of wisdom.

But the alcohol is bad stuff for you, and maybe it's time.

You got my vote, I know if you set your mind to it, you will see your way through.

I bet you will really notice feeling better sooner than you think.

nick

11-17-2008, 05:56 AM

Lord protect me from becoming a wise old man for what price wisdom if it brings no profit to the wise?

Narkotikon

11-17-2008, 09:34 AM

I think it's horrible when you realize that finally. I really didn't start to feel like a junkie / addict until I started MMT, and when I'd go into the methadone clinic each day, I'd look around and compare myself to the other people there. At the beginning it wasn't so bad, but as time went on, and I became more and more strung out on the methadone, I'd think to myself "what did I do? I'm just like these people now." Before then it was easier for me to justify being a "recreational user" even though I wasn't and was already going through physical w/d and psychological w/d for a long time. But, you know how the mind is. It was just easier for me to deny it to myself prior to methadone. Since then, I've learned to accept it, but I think that's even worse in some ways, because yes, you're a junkie / addict, but now that you know that, what are you going to do about it? It's a lot harder to justify maintaining an addiction when you realize you're an addict. At least it is for me. A recreational user is acceptable / not that big of a deal. Full blown addiction is not acceptable / is a big deal to me. It's like you know that it's detrimental to your life, and if you don't do something about it, there's no one to blame but yourself. When you're still in denial and just a "recreational" user it's a lot easier to make excuses I think.

Duckfeet

11-17-2008, 10:52 AM

Yep: I fought "being an addict" for years...and always--when young--had a Harley and a girl, liked to drink beer w/friends, etc...and they all looked *down* on junkies, etc...I just figured I liked the occasionaly shot of dope, etc., and no big deal...I wasn't no slimy, scrawny, thieving junky, u know...yet....

But it got worse, and eventually jails, prison, all that...but in prison I learned an amazing trade(they had commercial diver training in Cali in those days) and the California Dept of Corrections believed--as did I--that if only I had a good job, that kind of shit, I'd be o.k.

And that proved true...until I bumed into dilaudids again, and an ex-con pal of mine started hitting all the Southern Drugstores...and eventually, even after years of doing *really* well, beautiful wife, another Harley, flying down to Argentina and Brazil to dive the oil rigs, making tons of money...all that...I soon lost all again...and jails began, and then another felony...and man, I'm pushing *forty* at this point...and I was convicted of five years hard labor in Louisiana, and at last minute, judge said "sentence suspended" and I'd never had that, before, u know, probabtion...I had always just been sent straight to penitentiary...and I thought *score!*

Nope, within a month I was failing piss tests, and this P.O. saved my life, or at least five years of picking cotton--hey it's Louisiana--and when I was bitching about the piss tests to him, he says, look, go to AA for 30 days, I know you'll hate it, but get your slip signed, and I won't "violate" you (impose 5yr sentence)...

so I did, and at age 39 began my strange and troubled odyssey towards surviving, even being happy, off of dope and alcohol...

So now, at 57, I've got nine years off the sauce, and, oh, a little over 2 weeks--once again--off opys...

I don't know if I *accepted* truth...or it just got beat into me by life...I had a lot of good times, drinking, and doing dope...they just aren't there anymore, it's mostly wretched, and rarely do I feel a thing, unless it's highpowered (heroin/dilaudids)and I've no veins left...really...

And I"m no big "AA/NA or *die* motherfucker!" guy...I just don't know nothing else, and don't/won't go to church...but whatever works, life is tuff to get thru sometimes, no matter *what* one does...me today I'll try to get thru it without 'picking up', do qigong on the beach, do yoga after that, go to meeting, go swimming, at night thank "something" I'm alive and not locked up or fucked up...tomorrow will bring what it will, enough hassles in today for me...

Papa Verine

11-17-2008, 11:15 AM

Good stuff Duckfeet... as usual. I'm glad you're around here for everybody to listen to. You sure make a lot of fuckin sense to me.

earthenone

11-17-2008, 02:04 PM

Good Luck to ya Raz, I hope everything works out for ya, don't beat yourself up if you slip a bit here and there, I am sure you can do it.

simfromstoke

11-17-2008, 02:34 PM

Raz were you a bit drinker before you moved out to espana? cuz thats my only concern about movin to majorca. -drinkin.
when i holiday out there i start drinkin @ 8am as soon as i awake up, but i always put that down to "oh yer on holiday, blah blah bhah.."
but sayin that, the ONLY time i drink @home is when i've got diazee's -and thats just to get a nod on..
so i dont know..
it IS so much easier to drink in the sun, but to me, beer comes in at around 8th in my top 10 DOC's ie.- right down the bottom of the list. a lot of this is due to the fact that i HAVE to drive everywhere and id loose my car/motorbike/hgv1/bus licences if i got caught with anything more than a pint inside me. so the government forces me to DUI of smack and diazepam(nodding at the wheel..) just so long as i dont have more than 2 units of alcohol in me THATS fine....
anyways.. nuff ranting
i know you prob wont read this for a few days and in that respect, us not knowing/seein you online must be a good thing.
im not gonna go preaching to anyone about doing drugs/drinking
my mantra is -you gotta do whatever makes you happy
and if a happy life of sobriety is what floats your/your families boat i applaud you mate and wish you well
try not to get too vexed
and keep things in perspective
im sure your kids and wife will love YOU more for it
just stay strong mate. its for the better innit. truthfully.
-sim

Raz

11-17-2008, 04:06 PM

Yep guess it is for the best.....I didnt do my best today, but i didnt do any gear so thats a plus...

Yeah i used to drink b4 i came to spain....And i am only really recognising how bad my drinking has become....Shit this is the first time i've spoken about it to anyone...And coz its beer,i never thought i had a real problem....I;ve even been kept in hospital before, i know it was booze that put me there..(i got severly dehydrated)...But i just wouldnt accept it was the booze....

Well now i am talking about it, so maybe thats a start on my road to recovery....Fuck i really need to start this no drinking....:o
Today i thought i could get away with sin alcohol booze, but the taste alongemade me hit the shops for some real beer....I had 2 ltrs instead of my normal 3/4....But still too much, coz all i'm doin is fuckin topping up....

simfromstoke

11-17-2008, 04:10 PM

like earthenone said above me. dunner get beating yourself up over it

its done now mate. fuck all you can do to change the past innit

and plus you havent done any smack. thats better than me. im back on the subs now(for the last 2 days) but i cant say fuck-all really

nick

11-17-2008, 04:13 PM

Try and find a handful of benzos,just a handful-if you have more you'll do 'em.You've got weed.The last prop is to find a soft drink you actually like.I go through a lot of coca cola and lucozade.Sweets help too.

Raz

11-17-2008, 04:13 PM

Masochism huh,,,,:o......

simfromstoke

11-17-2008, 04:26 PM

i have to distract myself so i dont end up goin to score.
like thismornin. i woke up. little rattley after a dodgy day yesterday and MADE myself go drive into town and go to rehab
turns out i had a right good laugh in there all afternoon and when i thought about scoring when i was walking back to the car i mentally thought "DONT FUCKING DO IT-you are happy now and if, by the time i get home i still need to go score, i'll cross that bridge when i get to it"
so i came straight home and got straight on opiophile
did the trick.
im stil sat here
havent cracked
and probably wont have any gear tomorro
but id be lying if i said i definately wont have gear tomorrow.
i'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.but if i dont have any gear tomorrow i'll be happy
and thats what its all about -being happy in yourself

Raz

11-17-2008, 05:12 PM

simfromstoke

11-17-2008, 06:16 PM

If i havent scored my reward is when i wake up....Waking up without regrets is fuckin blinding!!

And i say to myself "yey one day under my belt".....If i can get off the beer, i will definately get off all the other shit.....Its just so boring out here and every fuckin social activity is around booze....

Manana i wont be buying any beer and i'll deal wiv manana manana...

Thats why i was asking about the dangers of living in majorca mate. im not scared about it
was just wondering if my holiday behavior will become a lifestyle.(drinking wise. NOT shaggin every slack english bird holiday maker i can find plus a few swedes to throw in the mix! i can handle shaggin slags everynight, just gettin pissed everynight could be damaging)

oh yeah and the manana thing(worrying about it 2moz) i think thats the only way we'll move forward mate
just take each day as it comes and try not to buy smack/beer/whatever. or at-least PLAN not to buy any beer/smack manana (thats a big enough goal achieved in itself!)
so we should be patting ourselves on the back
but 11 years of heroin has made me pessamistic. i should be over the moon that i am where i am, but i only choose to see as far as my last bag. which is sad but true.
but like i said. i'm happy today that i haven't scored and i'll be happy manana if i don't score but i'll cross that bridge, manana
peace bro!
-sim

Raz

11-17-2008, 06:22 PM

simfromstoke

11-17-2008, 06:38 PM

You gotta discapline yourself..Especially if you have holiday makers around you all the time,its fuckin murder...In the summer all the holiday makers just get pissed every night......While the residents do it in private behind closed doors....I never seen so many closet alkies, all in denial.....:rolleyes:......

At least we have started to climb that ladder (by addressing and facing our addictions)
closet junkies/alkies are just blind men in a blind world.
At least we have found and picked up the white stick (even though we haven't found the exit yet)
and while we still keep trying we'll allways have hope (which the closets chose not to see)

choose life, choose a job blah blah blah -there's gotta be some happyness in it somewhere...

simfromstoke

11-17-2008, 08:06 PM

Raz its quart to two here mate. im signin off. just had my zoppies. sleep aint very far away..
try gettin til 1pm 2moz without a beer and if you feel strong still, see if you can make it till tea time.
those are my two goals wiv smack tomorro
its totally achiveable ive just gotta not drive to THAT part of town before going to rehab
i wish you luck mate even though its strength that we need with luck and willpower thrown in
whatever...
i just hope you can get up and start drinking tea not beer then after dinner, have a spliff and chill winston
if you do have a drink. fuck it its done now.just keep on trying to plan to stay sober
and after a while absaining one day will become two and then three
and it looks like it only can get better from there..
stay with the program mate
like i just said -theres gotta be a happy life out there without smack/booze/or whatever

ill chech in w/you 2moz. im gonna stry staing clean 2moz and you'l know by 16.30 CET when i get bk from rehab
wishing you all the strenth you need not to use
peace
-sim

limitless_euphoria

11-17-2008, 09:24 PM

Yeah, I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. The sad part is that alcohol is not my drug of choice. The truth about alcohol I've come to know is that it's cheap, legal, it exists in a nearly infinite supply and it's usually right around the corner. What's more, it's socially acceptible (and in some cases expected) for you to get a buzz in a public place with your friends. Hell, if you're nice to enough people or you're attractive maybe someone will even buy you a couple for free.

Speaking of free drinks, hehe... I just thought of an amusing sidebar. My friend (who swears up and down he's 100% straight) admitted to some other friends of mine when he was REALLY TRASHED one night the when he's piss poor he goes down to the local gay club to score some free drinks. My question of course being nosey me, was that ALL that happened? Either way I couldn't care less; it wouldn't change our friendship and he's never tried to make a move on me!

Anyway, I digress. I just can't stand the way society has this smug attitude toward heroin. Conventional thinking seems to go something like "heroin... GOD, that's for trashy, scummy, bottom-feeding losers who live in the gutter and prey on society at large."

Yet, some of those same folks fail to consider alcohol can turn some people into downright monsters and abusing it can kill you just like abusing opiates. Another thing to consider is chronic users going into w/d. Alcohol w/d CAN and HAS killed... other than MMT patients dying in jail, w/d generally just tends to make the opiate user feel like they want to die but it rarely happens.

The bottom line is switch-hitting from dope to booze or vice versa is like trading seats on The Titanic. Either way, you're still going down! If you're the type who can handle a couple of social drinks now and again, fine. If you're not you need to be honest with yourself and do something about it. It's just as much of a waste to see someone destroy themself with drinking as it is with opiate use. I think many would agree with that statement.

Again, just my $0.02 on the matter speaking as someone who has had a problem with BOTH alcohol and opiates.

metric man

11-17-2008, 10:42 PM

Hey Raz, I just want to say good luck as it's not going to be easy. My best friend's dad was an alcoholic and after many many years his family staged an intervention. I know it was extremely hard for him to quit, but he did it. It saved his marriage, brought him closer to his six kids, and also save his body.

Metric

RxQueen

11-18-2008, 01:55 AM

Duckfeet

11-18-2008, 05:19 AM

Yeah, when it comes to drinking I had to sort out on my own a couple of things:

one: that I didn't drink like normal people anymore: that once I took a drink, most of my thinking was aimed at getting another drink...this took me forever to sort out, as I was a real bar guy: loved singing and laughing and teasing the girls...my grandmother was from county cork in Ireland, and she was the same way...last time I saw her we both just had a blast...Alice is dead tho...and I was just about...

But it was over, and that took me about ten years to realiize: that I couldn't drink anymore...that I drank too much, once I got started, and it wasn't fun anymore, not really...so I quit...

two: I didn't *stay* quit...I kept going back to drinking, even after long--years--periods of sobriety...and this was the final lesson: that I don't have a very consistent brain...that *staying* quit seems impossible, since I'll start *thinking* differently after periods of sobriety...

So those two reasons are why I'm in AA, since they focus more on *today* rather than tomorrow, or next week, or next month...and yeah, I did the other stuff they suggest, and I've been off the bottle for over nine years...and that's amazing, if u knew me...

And I can get lost in dope land, without drinking...but anytime I *do* drink, I always chase dope...so in a sense, they go hand in hand--what NA thinks--rather than being "separate" issues--what AA thinks (me too, actually)...

But that's my deal: we all have to find our own way out of the maze...or stay in the maze and enjoy it...or avoid the maze altogether...or deny we are in a maze at all... :p

Raz

11-18-2008, 09:10 PM

hey raz, i recognize that line about "it's only beer, not liquor." that's what my ex always used to say.... he gave up on hard liquor and stuck with just beer at one point, when he realized that it was either that or quit drinking altogether. the trouble was that eventually everyone but him started to understand that he was just a mean and stupid out of control drunk, no matter what he got wasted on. thankfully, i haven't seen him or heard from him since last summer, but last i knew he was still letting beer ruin his life and every relationship w/ friends and family he had left.

i'm glad that you aren't gonna let things get to that point in your life, cuz you're a much more worthy and decent person than he ever was. i hope you're doing alright today. best of luck to you, and keep us posted on how it's going!

Yeah booze is booze is booze.....Alcohol whatever way you look at it.....I havent gotten to total abstinence "yet".....But i do realise total abstinence is the only way to go.....And i'll strive to stop drinking...At the moment i am having that first beer later and later and just trying to get outta the maze........Maybe today i wont even have that first one.....
Typing this at 4 am.so i guess i am not putting myself in a booze induced coma anymore..:rolleyes:

Duckfeet

11-18-2008, 09:45 PM

Main thing, Raz--and anybody--is not to be too hard on yourself...I know I always thought I should do one thing at night...and then the next day I'd think different, and hate myself for being weak, etc...I'd even write stupid notes to myself, in blackouts and shit, saying "please stop this, it's killing you!" etc...and the next day I'd find'em and wonder what the fuck I was thinking and go get me some rum or beers...

So mainly you'll sort out what you have to do, and how to do it...whatever it is...don't be discouraged...