~4 years clean and...

[kizzy]

I did dope for five years, then did MMT, and finally detoxed off of methadone. I haven't used dope since I got clean. However, within the past three weeks or so, I've used OC a few times.

I did a bag today for the first time since getting clean. I noticed that as soon as I made the decision to acquire and do the dope(yesterday), every thing got shitty. I had to wait on this lady to bring it to me because I cant get it on my own anymore. In Columbia, SC it's kind of hard to find anyway.

I left work yesterday at 12:00 under the pretense of going to lunch, but instead dropped off $20 at the lady's house so that she could go get me a bag. Ofcourse she said she would be back shortly (she had to go across town), but I didnt hear from her until 5:00. In the meantime, I was too anxious to go back to work: my stomach hurt, my hands were sweating non-stop. That uncomfortable feeling of waiting. Anyway, when she called me at 5:00, she said (naturally) that she'd gotten the money snatched by some junky. I thought, "good, I just learned a cheap lesson then." But she swore that she would have it the next day (today). I doubted it, but I intended to harass her about it for just one day, just to see.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[kizzy]

This morning I had to go to school. My first class is French at 8am, where I took the speaking part of the exit exam; I did ok, inspite of my continued anxiety over anticipating getting a bag, although I fucked up on a couple sentences. Right before my next class, at 11am, I talked to the lady(getting the dope) on the phone and she said (again) that she was going to go get it and would be right back. I sat through class for an hour and she still had not called. I had another class today that starts at 1:25pm, but I felt too nervous and shitty and didnt want to wait the hour and a half until class started, so I left to go home and wait for the lady to call my cell phone. By1pm she still had not called, so I basically gave up on her getting it.

Suddenly, at 2pm, she called and said she was at home and I could come over and get it. So I raced over to her house.

[Consumed.]

OK so lets hear the rest!

[kizzy]

(sorry for the multiple replies, i didnt know how long individual posts could be)

I got it from her, while she spoke incoherently as she always does. I rushed back to my house, I only live about two minutes away by car.
So I'd finally gotten it from her today at about 2pm-almost exactly 25 hours after I gave her the money.

So when I got the dope home, I was thrilled to be able to go through the ritual of shooting it again. I already had needles that I'd bought for shooting the OCs. The dope was very light tan, and when mixed with water turned a slightly darker color. It had a strong dope smell. Anyway, the dope wasn't very good, a tolerant person would not have gotten a good rush, but it was decent for me. ( though not nodding out or anything )

This lady(early 40s,black lady) was also supposed to get me an OC today, which I was going to use tomorrow morning.
Later on today at 3:30 or so, the lady called me again, talking about getting the OC, and asked me to come by and just run her up to the mini mart (which is the same neighborhood in which we both live), but ended up tricking me into taking her and her friend to some crack dealer's house, which is near the mini mart. Afterwards, I dropped her and her friend at the friend's house.

So she just called me up again, as I was writing the second reply of this post (~10 min. ago), geeked out, saying that we could go pick up the OC.
(continues)

[kizzy]

She said her cousin that has the OC put it in the mailbox and that we could just go get it now. She was real insistant that we go get it now, before someone steals it (even though she would supposedly have her own truck in an hour). The sound of her voice (sketchy), and the fact that she'd been smoking crack for the past hour or so, and also that we would have to go to this men's shelter on Washington street to go get it, made me decide that it wasnt worth it. Anyway, I mostly assumed that this was an attempt to get me to take her and her friend to go buy more crack, and it (crack) definitely makes me nervous, just to be around.

I know that I should quickly cut all ties with her because I am absolutely certain that she will bring me back to the way I felt 4 years ago-dope sick. I know exactly what would happen. When I detoxed off methadone, it took me (literally) nearly a year before I felt normal.

Just considering using dope, i think, caused me bad karma and the return of this dope-related anxiety. Just the thought of it hurts my stomach and causes me to sweat, still. The prospect of getting it makes me feel the same as when I was addicted. Further, just thinking about getting it, causes me to fuck things up at work and school. I've managed some good things at school, I'm two semesters away from undergrad degree in Russian/French. Only because I did nothing recently except go to work and go to school.

I am not better than anyone else, I know that I was lucky to have gotten clean, or atleast non-opiate dependent. But now, inspite of my better judgement, I'm trying to fuck it all up.

[kizzy]

I disgust myself for jeopardizing what is a good thing. And now I probably wont even be able to take a shit in the morning.


ps.- Personally, I think that the most painless way to kick dope is to get on an extended methadone detox(I detoxed over several months), gradually lowering the dose every other week. In the meantime, while on methadone, i think that a person must have some kind of exercise regimen. Something like running and lifting weights, running should probably be done every day, along with weight lifting 3-4 days a week. And once a person has been on 5mgs. methadone for a couple weeks, just quit going to the methadone clinic. By the person must maintain their exercise regimen. This is what I did, and the physical parts of withdrawal were not absolutely horrible. Although as I said, I didnt feel really normal or good for almost a year. But after the physical, it seems like the psychological is largely what you make of it. Anyway that was just my experience.

I know that there are alot of people on here who know far more than I do, and people who have some very useful and wise things to say.

Thank you for allowing me to write about what has happened recently. If you want to reply, please do.

[cactus31]

Dude, 4 years is a very respectably period of time away. It sounds like you had (have) it in the bag...maybe you should just consider staying away anyhow...at least at this point, until your degree is finished?

It seems like a lot of work, a lot of time spent just finally feeling better, only to put yourself back at square one, huh?

[Duckfeet]

Don't be too hard on yourself: I think it's safe to say most of us have been there: get some time off of opiates, feel better, doing o.k., and the one day the junky stars align just right, and off we go again...

I mean, some don't, no doubt, but it's a tough road, and once we've been on it a while, IMO, the best we can hope for is a daily reprieve...because I kind of agree with you, and once you do one shot again., bad things usually happen...best wishes tho, as it can be so tuff..

[kizzy]

Thank you, Duckfeet You always have something positive and helpful to say.

[kizzy]

Dude, 4 years is a very respectably period of time away. It sounds like you had (have) it in the bag...maybe you should just consider staying away anyhow...at least at this point, until your degree is finished?

It seems like a lot of work, a lot of time spent just finally feeling better, only to put yourself back at square one, huh?

Thanks. It is helpful to here other perspectives. You are so right. I cant even understand that self-destructive tendency. At this point, it is simply controlling those psychological urges to do dope again. I'm not physically addicted, yet I find myself daydreaming on schemes to get dope. And I feel like the mental obsession of it causes the manifestation of physical symptoms. I think I should feel bad, so I do.

Fortunately, Im helped out in staying off dope, simply in that it is hard to come by. (even in the capital citylol)

UPDATE: I went and got something started now because this lady has called me again three times just recently. She must really be concerned about me getting this OC (which was supposedly going to be free anyway).
7:05pm-Lady continues to call, what an ordeal.

The strangest thing about this lady is how ingratiating she is, telling me how she's going to have meth pills set aside for me for when I cant get dope from her. It was very odd to me. She acts overly eager to get me to get dope from her. She's def. tryin to turn me out. @sick@And, mind you, I've known her for only a few weeks. I met her through her nephew who sells weed.

[Cherry's Jubilee]

The only useful thing I have to say is that you could have put all 6 of your original posts in the same post. That's useful because it'll save you some trouble and flow better.

Another thing that would save you some trouble and make things flow better is to tell crackhead to have a nice life and get back to the business of work, school, living, and keeping yourself out of trouble like you've managed to do amazingly well for 4 years...

[InfectedMushroom]

Yup you got a good thing goin on, don't fuck it up. At least until after school is finished,lol. This lady sounds like your typical crackhead and she won't bat an eye to rip you off in any way she can. And you can fit a decent amount of text in a post so don't worry about running out of room

[Hoss]

Four years is a long time - hell, at this point I'd settle for four days. All the best, hope you work it all out - and yes, I have known a couple of people like aforementioned in your posts, and personally have dealt with them basically when "getting back into the game". Watch out - though not every single one of them are shady, most of the type are and can be, and if you allow it to continue, they will in turn continue to jack your ass with a zillion excuses about absolute bullshit schemes. Just follow your gut, you got it.

[DCBA]

I too have in the past stayed exactly 4 years without opiates, it was ok to live most of the time.. But a few binges of codeine and tramadol and then opium and heroin rapidly progressed to me beeing addicted rapidly to opiates/heroin in no time.. Its a TOO much commom story... be smart man, life wont get better cause of opiates.. but it will turn much worse in no time for an ex-junkie..

[rcb]

I don't think you'd even be posting this if you didn't want us all to tell you to stop fuckin around.

So.. stop fuckin around. You have a good thing going; dope isn't worth it in the end.

[Saint]

Jeez, I'd kill to get off methadone like you did.. don't fuck it it all up now. Get those feet back on the ground and don't contact the crackhead anymore. Finish your school & stay clean.
Period.

[DCBA]

Yeah, clean your head of everything that stops you from enjoying life, if you use drugs, just chip and dont even think about them for a while longer than you use. Drugs are not fun when used everyday cause they messup with you. stay clean, or at least try to chip.

[SynthMorph]

Jeez, I'd kill to get off methadone like you did.. don't fuck it it all up now. Get those feet back on the ground and don't contact the crackhead anymore. Finish your school & stay clean.
Period.

Crackheads are bad news. Stay away, they're always scheming and thinking about scheming. Trouble and drama follow those idiots around everywhere. You're putting yourself in danger just being around her paranoid, sketeched out ass. Fo all you know they could be planning to set you up in the future for someone to rob you, thats how these scum operate.

Personally from doing some coke in the past I don't understand how anyone could enjoy crack. Who wants to be paranoid and nervous all the time and then have to deal with the come down everyday? Opiates make sense at least, you get a good 4-6 hour euphoria, relaxation/ nodding session, totally rejuvenating.

[hydrocronik]

I know it's hard to stay away from the lifestyle, but 4 years is a hell of a long time to be waisted because some crackhead wants your money. I remember crawling on my knees going through every square inch of my carpet looking for drugs. Being a dopefiend can be one of the most degrating moments in your life. Just think about all of the stress and anxiety and all of these other emotions you would have never felt, if you had stayed clean.

I may have more self control, but what I do is stay high on reggie weed all week, then buy dope on the weekends. It has worked for me for a year until my connection dried up. I don't shoot it though, I rail. Maybe that's the factor here. Probably not though.

[pharmboy]

Are you talkin about Oxycodone or dope as in H ?