Detoxing...again

[blutuesday]

I am going to detox on friday. I am currently on 60 mgs of methadone daily and a gram to a gram and a half dope a day, depending on the day. I am going to a different detox than I usually do, and this time it is in a hospital setting. I will be given subutex and ativan along with a non narcotic muscle relaxer.

What is different this time you ask? Well, I am doing the unthinkable. I am going to move out from mine and my boyfriends apartment and move to my parent's house 2 hours away. I have been to treatment a handful of times, but I have never changed my "people, places and things."

I am tired of my life. Tired of spending every dime. Tired of disappointing my family and more importantly, myself. I want to get my nursing career back on track, and eventually go back to school and possibly become a nurse practicioner or nurse anthesthetist.

I hope that I can still be an active part of this online community. I will be getting my laptop back from the pawn shop on my way to detox.

I was wondering, for those who are clean and are still here, how does this board affect you? I noticed that some of the very active members are clean. Does this board ever jones you out? Maybe I am the only one jonesd out by things so easily, or maybe I didn't really want sobriety before. I don't know. All I know is, I want to be clean AND be a part of this board.

Thanks!

[bigNasty]

personally i can't get on here unless i'm under the influence of opies. Sittin at my computer desk makes my back hurt and i feel like wd's get worse when someone tells you its their refill day and they just got 15 patches and 180 30mg roxies from their PM doc and tomorrow they go to their PCP to get their 90 80mg OC's and 120 4mg dillies and 120 actiqs. I HATE this place when wd'ing

[shaunclo]

Opiophile is definitely not a recovery site, but Ill tell you what, I come on here all the time when I am clean. What I do though is I stay away from the Threads that I know will make me jones if I read em. You can relate this place to an AA meeting, just sift through the stuff that you know you shouldnt read, and read the stuff that would hopefully make you feel better.

In sobriety I have started threads about a whole bunch of different stuff, for instance, "what are your guys/gals hobbies when sober" and so on. There ARE times though when logging into here would be a bad idea for me cause I am jonesing so bad that all I would want to do is read about everyone getting fuckered up.

This place really can be a great sanctuary for me though, cause I can be honest as hell and get great advice from friends that I know have been right where I have been. Its all up to you, whether or not you think this would be a good idea or not for ya.

[ZodiacKiller]

It can be tough to be here when you're clean (or kinda clean ie. on the Sub program like I am), but it's kinda all what you make of it. If your willpower and resolve are strong, then reading written posts here shouldn't make you run for your dealer. I hope you do stick around, and definitely keep us posted on your detox, if you can. Best of luck to you.


ZK

[Larry]

Hey there, I wish you the best of luck, I myself just detoxed on Friday its been a rough couple of days but its getting better. As far as opiophile is concerned the first few days I have a rough time coming on here but after that it does help. I agree with you it can be tough when your detoxing and have people talking about just getting there refills and all, although nobody on here really dicksizes about all the meds they get, GOR used to get under my skin big time when I was detoxing only because she would come on here and brag about the shit she just got. A new surrounding will be great for you, I just recently moved afew months ago to Lancaster, PA about 2 hours from where I used to live and it has helped my recovery big time. Lately I have been chipping (usually use about 1 week out of the month). Im sure you will get alot of support from everyone on here, anyways I wish you the best of luck and let us know how your doing, Take Care - Larry

[RobotJones]

I am going to detox on friday
...
What is different this time you ask? Well, I am doing the unthinkable. I am going to move out from mine and my boyfriends apartment and move to my parent's house 2 hours away. I have been to treatment a handful of times, but I have never changed my "people, places and things."
...
I was wondering, for those who are clean and are still here, how does this board affect you? I noticed that some of the very active members are clean. Does this board ever jones you out? Maybe I am the only one jonesd out by things so easily, or maybe I didn't really want sobriety before. I don't know. All I know is, I want to be clean AND be a part of this board.

first of all, i'm sorry this is such a long post. but keep reading 'cause there might be some good stuff in it.

i really hope the detox works for you and you get back to where you want to be in life. i've really enjoyed our conversations the few times we've talked, and i think you're such a beautiful person. changing your surroundings is one large factor amongst many when trying to get clean, so i think moving back with your family is a good decision. plus, from what i know, there's a lot less dope there than where you live now. but just remember, there's always gonna be opportunities to relapse no matter where you relocate.

as i think you know, i recently detoxed myself and am currently habit-less. i have been chipping lately, (although many people here don't believe that when you tell them, but oh well). i personally think this is a bad idea, but my will power just isn't as strong as i want it to be. i find that boredom, depression, loneliness, and self-defeatist thoughts are my biggest "triggers", if you want to call 'em that. really, i've found that i'm just not comfortable in my own skin, so i need to re-program my mind/body/soul to accept who i am and believe in myself enough to not use. because we all know that even if you manage to chip for awhile, it almost always sucks you back into the abyss.

as far as being a part of this community while trying to stay clean, that all depends on the individual. my advice would be that if you are worried about it, that's you telling yourself it might be a good idea to try to stay away for a little while, until you're more confident in your ability to let thoughts of using pass. i've heard that when a thought of getting high enters your mind (which, by the way, you can't stop from happening) it is only a thought, and it should last about 5 to 7 seconds. the trick is to not let it hang around in your conscious for longer than that. by dwelling on the thought you're allowing it to become an obsession that will be harder to fight against.

have you ever heard about the many ways people try to beat polygraph tests? some people say to put a tack in your shoe, etc... but i've heard the best thing to do is replace the question with another one whose answer would be truthful. let's say you were asked, "did you rob a pharmacy for 1000 oxycontin on august 13th?" assume for the moment that you did in fact rob a pharmacy for 1000 oxycontin. if you answer "no", the polygraph will probably show that you're being deceitful. but you instead replace the question in your mind with another question like, "are you an alien from another galaxy?" when you answer "no", your mind will know that you're telling the truth about not being an alien, so the polygraph should show that you're being truthful. i don't know if this really works, so no one should try this if their freedom is on the line...

my point is that you should try to redirect thoughts of using toward something else. for instance, ahead of time you should sit down and think about, or even better, write down exactly what you plan to do the next time one of these thoughts enters your mind. use psychology to help redirect that thought into something else, something more constructive. it's up to you as to what you'll replace it with. be creative, and stay positive. if this sounds like a load of crap then i apologize. it's just something to think about since we as addicts have tried so many different things and too often have failed.

i hope you figure it all out and live the fullest, happiest, most productive life that you can. and i do hope for selfish reasons that you'll stick around here because you've always been so cool to talk to. but if you disappear, i'll assume it's because you're doing great and i'll gain some encouragement for my own quest to be free of addiction.

btw, i was wondering where you're planning on going for the detox. several years ago i went to a medical detox across the river in IL called "Touchette". 4 days and 3 nights. and i would say it got me through 95% of the physical wd's. it's the mental part afterwards that's a bitch. i'd recommend going straight from there to a 30 day rehab to help get your mind/body/soul some much needed rest and nourishment.

good luck, and we love you!

[oxymoronluvr]

I am going to detox on friday. I am currently on 60 mgs of methadone daily and a gram to a gram and a half dope a day, depending on the day. I am going to a different detox than I usually do, and this time it is in a hospital setting. I will be given subutex and ativan along with a non narcotic muscle relaxer.

What is different this time you ask? Well, I am doing the unthinkable. I am going to move out from mine and my boyfriends apartment and move to my parent's house 2 hours away. I have been to treatment a handful of times, but I have never changed my "people, places and things."

I am tired of my life. Tired of spending every dime. Tired of disappointing my family and more importantly, myself. I want to get my nursing career back on track, and eventually go back to school and possibly become a nurse practicioner or nurse anthesthetist.

I hope that I can still be an active part of this online community. I will be getting my laptop back from the pawn shop on my way to detox.

I was wondering, for those who are clean and are still here, how does this board affect you? I noticed that some of the very active members are clean. Does this board ever jones you out? Maybe I am the only one jonesd out by things so easily, or maybe I didn't really want sobriety before. I don't know. All I know is, I want to be clean AND be a part of this board.

Thanks!


i have some time clean. this board does not affect my sobriety or clean time cause i don't let it. i can read but that does not mean i am going to go use.

i use what is said on here for mostly EV and GV. Entertainment Value is hahah hahaha, Gratitude Value is thank god that is not me. there are good people here that will wish you the best in whatever you do. truthfully i would not wish opiate addiction on my worst enemy if i had one.

the geographical change does not always work. cause as junkies we get what we want when we want it if we want it. and sobriety is not all about just not using. its about changing yourself and how you live.

there are clean people that still lie, cheat, and steal. i don't want that to be me. i want to live my life as that like-able person kinda like how my grandpa is. people just like him, he does have to please them or anything they just like him. he will do anything for anyone without expectations of something in return.

the idea of sobriety is to be that good like-able person that is honest. but it takes allot of work to get to that point.

do all u can to get ahead of your addiction cause when Ur lagging its catching up.

[limitless_euphoria]

Hola B.T. hopefully you get this before you go away. Even if you don't best of luck and hey I been clean 2+ months off coke/dope/pills (cept benzos, sub and my nutty pills). I've got a lot more work to do but good luck to you on your indefinite journey into recovery. I'd say, you can try coming back but if it bothers you on a level that may trigger relapse, STFAFH (stay the fuck away from here).

P.S. I don't think I'm ever going to leave here. Too many kindred spirit. I've found a virtual place to hang out that I enjoy sometimes quite frankly than the company of other douche bags I know IRL. :)

[Chipper]

You ask if this place can help you if you are in recovery? I say, Yes! My usage does not change..in fact, when I see the struggles and stresses that using bring to all of us, it seems to harden my resolve (to stay a chipper).

Detoxing is tough work..I wish you much strength!

[SHELLEY]

I was wondering, for those who are clean and are still here, how does this board affect you? I noticed that some of the very active members are clean. Does this board ever jones you out? Maybe I am the only one jonesd out by things so easily, or maybe I didn't really want sobriety before. I don't know. All I know is, I want to be clean AND be a part of this board.


ths is how it works for me at least:

if i've decided to get high, nothing will change my mind so that i don't do it
if i've decided NOT to get high, nothing will "jones me out" and change my mind so i do it
that being said, sometimes i get jealous of other opi's
when i read about how high and happy they are on their dope :(
but then i get over it and everything is as it should be

[jonny-5]

i still love opiates when im clean and dont really find a problem comming here while not getting high. some of the things i read make me start craving, but then i just leave and come back later.

btw just running away wont work. it might help if youre really serious about quitting, but just doing that wont do shit.

good luck and have fun.

[pharmboy]

PAWS sounds all cutesy and cuddly but believe me PAWS is a motherfucker.

If you just take it one day at a time you should be OK. Remember boredom

is the enemy. Good Luck !

[oxymoronluvr]

PAWS sounds all cutesy and cuddly but believe me PAWS is a motherfucker.

If you just take it one day at a time you should be OK. Remember boredom

is the enemy. Good Luck !




thats what drives people to use just cause they want to feel normal again. many people would trade longer detoxes for no paws if that were a choice in reality.

[bored in sofl]

You ask if this place can help you if you are in recovery? I say, Yes! My usage does not change..in fact, when I see the struggles and stresses that using bring to all of us, it seems to harden my resolve (to stay a chipper).

Detoxing is tough work..I wish you much strength!

Me too.I never want to go down that road of marathons chasing that damn slippery dragon

[edhorfin]

When I'm clean, I don't think of opiates often. If I did, I wouldn't stay clean for long. THat should read "haven't" stayed clean for long....

If I'm not thinking about getting gorked, I don't even think about opiophile....This is the only online community that I really relate to, but when clean, no reason to think about coming here...To me, its kind of like a bar...I quit drinking 23 years ago, and don;t think about bars or have a favorite bar or go to bars...They are a place to drink. This is a place to talk about opiate stuff. Coming here when clean in the past hasn't triggered any relapses, it's just out of mind.

Good luck with the detox.
Ed

[blutuesday]

Wow! Thank you guys SOOOOO much for all the responses. It really just made me realize how much support I have in this community. I am going to detox on Sunday now, which as I'm writing this will be tomorrow.

I sat and read each and every one of your posts. You have no idea how much you all helped me through taking the time to respond.

I got my laptop back from the pawnshop, and since I am going to be in an actual hospital, I am permitted to take it with me. I really think that changing my environment and being under the watchful eye of my gustapo-like mother will really help. Last time I did not change my environment because I knew deep down inside I wanted to come back here to st louis and use. I am not giving myself that option. I am also leaving my boyfriend of 7 years (a fellow junkie) here with the car that we bought together. I will have to rely on my mother for transportation and trust me, it is not like the Bi state bus service that we have here in the STL where I am going. In fact, Im not sure if they even have a bus system there! LOL

RobotJones-I will be messaging you via yahoo in a matter of hours. Just like the good old days! YAY. I appreciate you taking the time to write that, and you delivered some very sound advice.

I really, really enjoy this forum, and feel that each an every one of you here has alot to offer. I lurked for the longest time before posting, (a year lurking I think,) and I LEARNED SO MUCH!

I will be around alot more often now that I have my laptop back, and since my quality of life will be improving, I shall never need to pawn it again. (I'm pretty sure.) :)

I Love you all! You are truly the most awesome online community that I have ever been a part of. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sorry if that was too sappy. I'll stop now. Talk to you all soon.

[rockbottom]

high right now--sometimes the board makes me jones---but scince i have no desire to go 100% straight its not bad for me----i lave and use drugs as much as i can---good luck on yout journey

[oxymoronluvr]

you have to make the decision which you made. this is not going to be easy. as a junkie you can find anything anywhere. it is just engraved in us.

trust is not going to come over night. so count on being hovered over by your mother and plan on her driving you nuts. i wish you the best. remember addiction is as the aa's say it, cunning, baffling, and powerful, its also ever so patient.

[blutuesday]

Again, thanks.


Well it is time for me to go in. I stayed at my parents home last night, two hours away from the hustle and bustle and the life that I am used to. Two hours away from a city that I will not go back to, nor experience again for the forseeable future.

There's no turning back now.

I'm on my way to detox.

I am allowed to bring my laptop, so I will update. I'm scared as hell this time for some reason. I guess it really might be different from all the other times.

Thanks for the support. Wish me luck? And, if you pray, PRAY LIKE HELL, please???!!??! :|

[oxy kid]

I wish you the best of luck.

I think what you are doing takes a lot, and if I was you, I'd be proud to say that you are doing it. I love opi's, but there is something about the clean life that can fulfill you that opiates cannot.

[ZodiacKiller]

Good luck. Stay strong!

ZK

[Duckfeet]

It will seem like bullshit at times, and psycho-babble out the yin-yang....but it saved my life, a long time ago...it's what you make of it....to be surrounded by people trying to find a way out, sometimes, is helpful...got me honest...unusual...

[blutuesday]

My first day here,. This place is very comfortable.

I have my own room with cable (yay!!!!!!!!!!) and the bed is so comfy. I have a already had 2 shots in the hip of a form of bupe/subutex, which I am SO happy it was injection form cause as we all know, Tuesdays been around this block before and they always made u take it sub lingual and that was NASTY.

I feel ok w/d wise. My only complaint at this momemt: the sweats

Ill be back to update

[rockbottom]

you know your doing what we called the geographic cure--moving to a place different from where u used---i've done it and i worked-for awhile---even went so far as to go to Hawaii where the Somoans/Hawaiians wouldn't get you shit without a ripoff--that was a hella bad trip detoxing ct in paradise--with medical and family support-and us u can do it--peace

[Duckfeet]

Yeah, I know, and alkies always talk about that in AA, but "geographicals" kept me alive: a lot has to do with the *availability* thing, with opiates...since with alcohol, we can score, *easily* anywhere, but with opiates it can be tricky, and I have a good connection, it's just *hell* to quit...I've left VA treatment centers and detoxes more times than I can count, and just going somewere where dope isn't in my face, can at least give me a breather, and give me a sort of "forced detox" which I sorely needed...everytime I *really* got clean and sober, off of everything for years, it was always fleeing to a new town, full of resolve, quitting dope *and* booze, and then just sort of living in an AA clubhouse...don't know no other way, really, as nothing else ever seriously worked....

Except *this* time, I didn't do it, as I couldn't leave my really old parents--78 and 94 years old--and tried, finally, just a slow methadone detox, combined w/daily AA to kind of keep me thinking straight...and so far so good.




you know your doing what we called the geographic cure--moving to a place different from where u used---i've done it and i worked-for awhile---even went so far as to go to Hawaii where the Somoans/Hawaiians wouldn't get you shit without a ripoff--that was a hella bad trip detoxing ct in paradise--with medical and family support-and us u can do it--peace

[blutuesday]

Detox update:

w/d at a very minimum. they are constantly makin sure im ok etc.

I feel like spaghetti limbs. so much ativan and robaxin with shots of b


i realyu hjope this works II will upfate a lil latter. im a lil cloufdy

[Poppylvr]

My first day here,. This place is very comfortable.
SNIP
I feel ok w/d wise. My only complaint at this momemt: the sweats

Ill be back to update
Hiya blutuesday from a fellow junkie nurse!
Howzit goin? I hope that your wd's aren't awful. It had been a very long time since I experienced WD's until 2 weeks ago, when I had 'em from dropping my sub dose too fast. WD's suck.
I find that coming here does tweak my desire to use. Like Shelley, I sometime jones reading people's accounts of getting high on their DOC. When that happens, I log off & go look at cute kitty cat sites for awhile 'til my brain cools down.
What's the status of your nursing license at this point?
I know it's too soon to be thinking long term plans, but you mentioned the thought of becoming a CRNA. I too thought that would be seriously cool, but the reality is for this opiophile that I would not be able to resist the goodies. I am afraid I'd be off & running with that kind of access.
I suggest before you commit your time, energy and money to a CRNA program that you deeply examine yourself to see if you really could do it. If you can, more power to you. We need more people in the anesthesia field who understand junkies.
Back to right here right now: I hope things are going well for you. What kind of classess/meetings/groups do you attend to help you turn around your thinking?
Good Luck - big hug from me & purrs from my kitty cat.

[bored in sofl]

Soon it will be a bright tuesday. Change is right around the corner. Well a few months away. My best advice is to stay occupied when they release you.

[blutuesday]

Soon it will be a bright tuesday. Change is right around the corner. Well a few months away. My best advice is to stay occupied when they release you.


Why thank you for those kind words my love

[blutuesday]

I have been discharged and I am laying on the couch at my parents house. I have minor w/ds and I feel very weak.
I seem to be very emotional for some reason. I dont know if its because I left my boyfriend or because i am going through this change or both. I just feel odd and so so weak.

They were very good about treating my anxiety and pain while I was there. They were giving me ativan injections practically upon request. And then a form if IM subutex. I got sent home with robaxin, clonidine and paxil.

I will update regularly on m w/ds. Again, thanks for all the support. Love you all

[bored in sofl]

Whenever I detox I'm emotional wreck. I hate that part. Good luck tues I'll call ya soon

[OxyContinuously]

I have been discharged and I am laying on the couch at my parents house. I have minor w/ds and I feel very weak.
I seem to be very emotional for some reason. I dont know if its because I left my boyfriend or because i am going through this change or both. I just feel odd and so so weak.

They were very good about treating my anxiety and pain while I was there. They were giving me ativan injections practically upon request. And then a form if IM subutex. I got sent home with robaxin, clonidine and paxil.

I will update regularly on m w/ds. Again, thanks for all the support. Love you all

Hi tuesday ;-)

I haven't gotten a chance to reply to this thread yet, but I read the whole thing, and that's a really cool thing you're doing! You should be very proud cuz not everyone can go to detox like that...takes a lot of courage to do something like that...

but i'm glad you're at least feeling a little better, and remember it gets better every day, you know the deal

with me i find the anxiety to be one of the worst symptoms after the physical part is over...valium always helps, or klonopin if its available...

but anyway, best of luck to you and let us know how it turns out ;-)

take care

[blutuesday]

Thanks for the reply. I am currently 2 hours away from my benzo source so SWIM is trying to negotiate a way to get me some. If I had some, this would go soooo much smoother. I'll update later.

[Saint]

I have been discharged and I am laying on the couch at my parents house. I have minor w/ds and I feel very weak.
I seem to be very emotional for some reason. I dont know if its because I left my boyfriend or because i am going through this change or both. I just feel odd and so so weak.

They were very good about treating my anxiety and pain while I was there. They were giving me ativan injections practically upon request. And then a form if IM subutex. I got sent home with robaxin, clonidine and paxil.

I will update regularly on m w/ds. Again, thanks for all the support. Love you all

I have been following this thread and want to wish you good luck. You will be emotional for some time I'm afraid. It sucks but it's perfectly normal in wd..
Somehow every little thing seems a problem in withdrawals. I always used to think and re-think the past about a thousand times at night and get totally depressed about all the stuff that went wrong in my life. It's part of the deal and it passes but it's not exactly fun.
I'm happy for you that they treated your pain and anxiety so well. That is so important if you want to succeed.
The rubbery legs will go away with time too and you sound like you're doing o.k. I hope you have some good support at home.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself. You are doing great, keep it up!

[rockbottom]

the weakness and overemotional state was normal for me after a run and a detox---but it does go away

[ZodiacKiller]

Hey Tuesday---I have mad respect for what you're doing. It's one of the hardest things ever. Hang in there; we're all proud of you!!!


ZK

[blutuesday]

Hey Tuesday---I have mad respect for what you're doing. It's one of the hardest things ever. Hang in there; we're all proud of you!!!


ZK

Thank you so much. You honestly have no idea how much this helps. I'm not just saying it. To me they are not just words on a screen from a stranger, to me it's one of the only forms of support I have, Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Duckfeet]

Good luck: not always, and not all the time, and maybe not forever, but sometimes we actually do beat this thing: my best wishes to you, and hope all goes well: absolute best all time thing I ever learned from detoxes and treatment centers and AA meetings, is just to take it one blessed day at a time, and that's usually possible...hang in there, it really does get better, just takes a bit of "hanging in there..."

[upstate_007]

Just wanted to start off the day by saying that we're proud of ya. Keep it up!

[OxyContinuously]

Yeah ditto on what my man Upstate said^^^ we're all proud of you and *here* for you too, so don't be shy!

[rockbottom]

^^^^+1 ----its a new day keep up the good work;)

[blutuesday]

Hey guys. I love you all so much for the support. I can't believe I haven't relapsed yet.

My w/ds are actually getting worse. I have what I think is an explanation for this:

When the hospital detoxed me, they took care the heroin in my system but since I was on both methadone AND heroin, I think that I'm just now starting to feel the methadone detox because of it's half life? Anyone know much about this?
I was on a low dose methadone-60mgs at the time, and the last time I dosed was the morning before I went to detox. I know better, and should have stopped methadone at least a week prior probably, but I just didnt have the cash for all dope all week and no methadone, plus I was with my boyfriend at the time and we had his pay methadone clinic and heroin habit to support also.

I had a hard night last night. Methadone w/ds are different in my past experience than dope. Methadone is actually less intense but it lasts longer. You still get some of the same symptoms but it isnt so all at once like a dope w/d. The not sleeping for a long time is what gets me. The one time I detoxed before of methadone and heroin both I was at a 32 residential and barely slept a night. That takes its toll. This is my experience, Ive had ppl argue and say methadone w/d are worse etc but this is my experience.

SWIM arranged for some benzos to come her way and they are supposed to be at SWIM's location tomorrow at around noon. *fingers crossed*

[OxyContinuously]

Hey guys. I love you all so much for the support. I can't believe I haven't relapsed yet.

My w/ds are actually getting worse. I have what I think is an explanation for this:

When the hospital detoxed me, they took care the heroin in my system but since I was on both methadone AND heroin, I think that I'm just now starting to feel the methadone detox because of it's half life? Anyone know much about this?
I was on a low dose methadone-60mgs at the time, and the last time I dosed was the morning before I went to detox. I know better, and should have stopped methadone at least a week prior probably, but I just didnt have the cash for all dope all week and no methadone, plus I was with my boyfriend at the time and we had his pay methadone clinic and heroin habit to support also.

I had a hard night last night. Methadone w/ds are different in my past experience than dope. Methadone is actually less intense but it lasts longer. You still get some of the same symptoms but it isnt so all at once like a dope w/d. The not sleeping for a long time is what gets me. The one time I detoxed before of methadone and heroin both I was at a 32 residential and barely slept a night. That takes its toll. This is my experience, Ive had ppl argue and say methadone w/d are worse etc but this is my experience.

SWIM arranged for some benzos to come her way and they are supposed to be at SWIM's location tomorrow at around noon. *fingers crossed*

Hi tues

yup it's those dreaded meth WD's....since methadone lasts so damn long, the withdrawal can take almost two days to start up, so that's prob. what you're feeling

you got a good point about meth wd also cause it's not as "concentrated" as pure H sickness; like u said it's more drawn out and all that,, but the symptoms aren't *quite* as bad as dope alone...it still blows though; and i'm with you on the not sleeping thing cause it really takes its toll on me and wears me down u know?

Well, glad 2 hear you're doing alright, and I hope those benzos come thru 4 ya; just as an aside, what r u waiting for; anything good? personally i like klonopin --the little blue 1mg ones--- and xanax --sticks--when i'm wd'ing....i like the klonopin better though becsue it has that muscle relaxing properties that xanax doesn't really have, plus 2mg of klonopin will carry me the whole night and let me sleep,, where with xanax, i'll get to sleep, but it seems like once it wears off (and it seems to go away really quickly sometimes) i'm up and can't get back to sleep for the life of me!

so take of yourself, and i'll ttyl

[longduckdong]

Whenever I detox I'm emotional wreck. I hate that part. Good luck tues I'll call ya soon

I second that. Whenever I've been in W/D's the physical shit sucks, but I can be pretty tough to that. But the friggin emotional shit tears a whole in my brain.

[Narkotikon]

I wish you the best of luck, Blue.

About the people, places, and things thing. I think that works sometimes for some people, and other times not. I lived in an apartment on my own after college from Jun. 2004 - Jan. 2007, during which time I basically just used all the time and became even more addicted. I mean, looking back, it was my fault for being unhappy and not making the most of the situation. So, I decided I'd move back home with my mom, and in mid Jan. 2007 I did. Things have not went well. The only difference is that when I use now, I have to hide it, whereas before I didn't.

I'm not saying that this won't work for you. It may very well work. I guess I'm just saying that don't put too much faith into "changes." I wish you the best of luck, and I hope this really really works for you if you want it enough, which it sounds like you do.

Also, I'm glad you decided to do the detox in a safe place with meds. I know cold-turkey works for some, but I can never quit cold turkey. The most I can go is three days, then I use again because it's too fucking bad. Coming off of that much dope, and also especially methadone, is bound to be bad. I'm glad that you'll be using Subs, Ativan, and a muscle relaxer. I think that's probably one of the best ways to do it. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[blutuesday]

Hi tues

Well, glad 2 hear you're doing alright, and I hope those benzos come thru 4 ya; just as an aside, what r u waiting for; anything good? personally i like klonopin --the little blue 1mg ones--- and xanax --sticks--when i'm wd'ing....i like the klonopin better though becsue it has that muscle relaxing properties that xanax doesn't really have, plus 2mg of klonopin will carry me the whole night and let me sleep,, where with xanax, i'll get to sleep, but it seems like once it wears off (and it seems to go away really quickly sometimes) i'm up and can't get back to sleep for the life of me!

so take of yourself, and i'll ttyl

Im actually going to be getting xanax bars. I tend to like xanax a little better than K-pin for some reason. I will be getting like 30 of them so I will be good to go. The wait sucks tho, but at least I know I have the clonidine to rely on till then and if u take enough they do mask w/d.s (Im not reccommending that to anyone, its just a personal crutch, and can dangerously lower blood pressure.)

I know this will all eventually come to an end. I am just soooo weak. Muslces oiled with icy hot. I'm like a frail 90 year old.

[blutuesday]

God, when will this end. I can't take much more.

I finally forced myself to shower last night. First time in like 6 days. I know that is disgusting, and out of character for me, but you know how it is being on ill, thats a hard task.

I am so weak. I can barely move. I don't get up to eat, get anything to drink and hardly even can get up to use the bathroom.

I am expecting the xanax around 2pm.

The issue with that is I have a hair appt at 12 and then family photos later in another city. My family has never done a family photo in my life, and it just so happens it has to be now. They had it planned before tho but still. I am gonna be tortured at that and then being forced to make small talk and gossip for a 2 hour hair appointment which I just realized will include a hair wash. God. I can just imagine the chills now. My mom keeps asking if I want to cancel but I'd feel bad cancelling the photos even tho I want to.

Wish me Luck

[rockbottom]

Good Luck-----its gotta be the fucking done

[Duckfeet]

Hang in there, kid, there's just so much I could say, but when I'm feeling like you are, there's just little comfort to it...it does get better, right about the time you think you can't stand another day like this, you start to get an hour or two, where you are o.k., and then a day when you are happy, etc...but you're in the hard middle area, where the only thing you probably *really* want to do is get loaded, and nine times out of ten, if I can, I do...

That's why I'm taking it so damn slow, as that's the only way that has worked, and I'm not out of the woods yet, but I've come way down, and so far

so good...and just so you know, I'm really rooting for you, as it's such a lonely fucking place to me, and seems hopeless, I know...

anyway, sending warm brite blessings yer way...

God, when will this end. I can't take much more.

<snip snip>

Wish me Luck

[blutuesday]

Thanks guys! the encouragment really helps. I cancelled my hair appt. Ill just go to the stupid photos with out it.

SWIM is waiting for the mail. It is supposed to arrive at "around 2ish" and swim has been watching the clock since 8am.

Thats probably the real reason the 12 o clock hair appt was cancelled. In order for swim to get the mail asap.

If the benzos don't arrive swim will just DIE!

[blutuesday]

OMFG.

THEY DIDNT COME

[Saint]

Christ, that really sucks!!! I can't deal with WD's without benzo's. God, I feel for you, I don't know what to say. If there was a way to instantly beam xanax your way I would.
Isn't there a friend/family member using any benzo's near who could help you out for today?
I would absolutely NOT be able to pull through a family photo shoot feeling like you're feeling now (in fact I find family shoots disgusting at any time..).
Sorry things aren't going the way they should..

[blutuesday]

Oh god, I am back. I somehow managed to take ANOTHER shower (just took my first one in six days yesterday), did my hair and makeup and got dressed. Sat in the car for 30 minutes and then spent 3 hours at the photo place.

Now my only hope is monday after 2. Please god let them arrive.

I am so exausted tonight, Restless legs bad.

All I have is Robaxin left since I stupidly took 20 days worth of clonidine in 3 days. Took the last 5 this morning, banking on those xanax arriving.

Winston Churchill said, "when youre going thru hell, keep going." I think it was him, cant be bothered to check atm.

Thanks again for the love and support.

[Raine]

This site does make me jones sometimes, but it depends on the thread. Like others above me stated, sifting through and editing your intake ain't a bad idea. I just detoxed myself, did the same thing with subutex, non-narcotic muscle relaxers, etc. in a hospital. The best thing about the hospital was there was a fenced in smoking-patio.You could smoke all you wanted if you went to the group therapy sessions.
Once checked in, you couldn't check out till they decided you were ready and they decided I was ready super-quickly. (three full days and 4 nights) I didn't want to be chained in once i was there so I didn't fight the discharge but now I'm regretting it because I picked up my first day out and messed up three days in a row, swear to god i ended up feeling like i was detoxing all over again today. I puked my guts out, was in the bathroom and kicking my damn legs all damn day! But i have suboxone so once the shit is out of my system i can just get back on my subbies and be a good girl. I'm hanging by a thread honestly, but i am hanging in there. Somehow. I don't know that it's possible i went through w/d's again but it sure felt like I did.

Best of luck to the O.P and to anyone else trying to stay clean. It's a bitch sometimes but it's a good feeling to overcome your demons and shit.

[Consumed.]

This site does make me jones sometimes, but it depends on the thread. Like others above me stated, sifting through and editing your intake ain't a bad idea. I just detoxed myself, did the same thing with subutex, non-narcotic muscle relaxers, etc. in a hospital. The best thing about the hospital was there was a fenced in smoking-patio.You could smoke all you wanted if you went to the group therapy sessions.
Once checked in, you couldn't check out till they decided you were ready and they decided I was ready super-quickly. (three full days and 4 nights) I didn't want to be chained in once i was there so I didn't fight the discharge but now I'm regretting it because I picked up my first day out and messed up three days in a row, swear to god i ended up feeling like i was detoxing all over again today. I puked my guts out, was in the bathroom and kicking my damn legs all damn day! But i have suboxone so once the shit is out of my system i can just get back on my subbies and be a good girl. I'm hanging by a thread honestly, but i am hanging in there. Somehow. I don't know that it's possible i went through w/d's again but it sure felt like I did.

Best of luck to the O.P and to anyone else trying to stay clean. It's a bitch sometimes but it's a good feeling to overcome your demons and shit.


Sounds to me like your demons are still stronger and faster than you are...

[Raine]

Sounds to me like your demons are still stronger and faster than you are...
Hey, I'm working on it. And i honestly hope to see other people be happy if it may be actively using or not, As long as you're doing what you want.

[blutuesday]

Nice to know Im not alone.

Good luck to u :)

[blutuesday]

Im on day 8 no heroin no methadone.

Things arent getting better really, I guess in a strange way I am just adapting.

Took 3 of my mothers mirapex last night and it really helped the restless legs/arms.

Made me hella nauseas tho.

[Consumed.]

my advisory fault blue shoulda stuck with two!

[blutuesday]

my advisory fault blue shoulda stuck with two!

Hahaha. Its okay, you know how I do anyway.

[Saint]

I hope that mailman will finally bring you something nice tomorrow.. helps with the RLS.

[blutuesday]

I hope that mailman will finally bring you something nice tomorrow.. helps with the RLS.

Me too! I actually got really bad w.d wise and began freaking out. I called the place where I went to that 3 day detox and they told me to come to their E.R. So I did. I was like fucking suicidal. Not sure why my w.d was getting worse, but it took a toll on me mentally also. I get to the E.R and get a doc that openly admits he has no idea what to do. He tried to tell me that I had the flu and that he wanted to treat me for it. I said, with all due respect sir, I KNOW the difference.

Finally I talked him into helping me. He gave me a buprenex shot and a new script for clonidine and phenegran (anti nausea.) If those xanax dont come tomorrow I will DIE DIE DIE!

[Hoss]

^ :::Crossing fingers for your Xannie delivery::: - know the feeling.

[blutuesday]

^ :::Crossing fingers for your Xannie delivery::: - know the feeling.

Thanks, I really think that the more ppl that cross their fingers for me will make it happen. LOL

[oxymoronluvr]

why didn't you just ask the doctor at the er for some benzos? and dont get hooked on the benzos now that your off of opiates. its a very common thing that happens.

[jonny-5]

it seems that whenever i kick theres a lot of other people here doing the same. hang in there girl youre not alone. hope those bars come, i had to do it without benzos this time, but i was really only being bad for a few weeks or a month, so its really not a long run im comming off of so ill be cool. anyways i hope youre feeling better soon. at least when the xanax comes youll be able to sleep.

[blutuesday]

why didn't you just ask the doctor at the er for some benzos? and dont get hooked on the benzos now that your off of opiates. its a very common thing that happens.

Yeah, that is really what I wanted. But he saw a trace of benzos in my urine (from when they gave it to me at the detox...I am not physically depend. on benzos.)


Johnny- Thanks for the encouragment. Shit, dont play down what you have done, kicking after any time using sucks. I have been to so many rehabs where ppl on cocaine and weed were like, "I am SOOOO SICK" and here Iam going thru REAL physical w/d. Not that Im saying quitting coke/weed is easy, but you know. I was strung out on cocaine IV use, daily and never had a single physical w/d. Anyway, good luck to you too!:)

[nick]

Thanks, I really think that the more ppl that cross their fingers for me will make it happen. LOL


In that case,fingers crossed for you.

[blutuesday]

In that case,fingers crossed for you.

It is appreciated!

[Duckfeet]

Yeah, good luck kiddo: I used to get a monthly script for dilaudids, and mail most of'em back to myself in really convoluted ways, trying to make'em last...then plowing thru the Columbus OH snow, sick as a dog to get to the mailbox, hating myself for doing this, and of course, they *never* showed up when I figured they would,and usally would come a day or *several* days later, and I"d be up a *wall*....

So finally I just quit that little sideshow, and did'em all my first week, like a good junky, then found out where to cop heroin, so I had my bases covered:)

[rockbottom]

another day --your doing good---hope your benzos arrive--fingers crossed;)

[blutuesday]

Yeah, good luck kiddo: I used to get a monthly script for dilaudids, and mail most of'em back to myself in really convoluted ways, trying to make'em last...then plowing thru the Columbus OH snow, sick as a dog to get to the mailbox, hating myself for doing this, and of course, they *never* showed up when I figured they would,and usally would come a day or *several* days later, and I"d be up a *wall*....

So finally I just quit that little sideshow, and did'em all my first week, like a good junky, then found out where to cop heroin, so I had my bases covered:)


Hehehe. Just my sort of luck. I was expecting them on sat, and I was soooo weak that I fell when I took the long walk to the mailbox just to find out they were not there. All that was there was bills and more bills.

Thank you two for the luck, since I seem to have to worst.

[blutuesday]

Ok they arrived. And today I am feeling BETTER! I have had my first thing to eat in 12 ish days. You know benzos make u chow down. Shit! I want to eat everything in sight, which at least has gotten my strength up. Ahhhh relief!

[jonny-5]

Ok they arrived. And today I am feeling BETTER! I have had my first thing to eat in 12 ish days. You know benzos make u chow down. Shit! I want to eat everything in sight, which at least has gotten my strength up. Ahhhh relief!

XANAX MUNCHIES! theyre pretty powerful...im glad they came, keep it up im there with you almost done with my kick. i keep prolonging it by doing dope on top of the subs. today i didnt do any and i felt pretty ok, but then i got some money in my pocket and went straight to the mexicans. oh well tomorrows another day...

[blutuesday]

XANAX MUNCHIES! theyre pretty powerful...im glad they came, keep it up im there with you almost done with my kick. i keep prolonging it by doing dope on top of the subs. today i didnt do any and i felt pretty ok, but then i got some money in my pocket and went straight to the mexicans. oh well tomorrows another day...

Yeah, Im glad it got me to eat and finally drink some fluids. I know during w/d u should try to push fluids but I cant ever put anything in my stomach at all. About getting money in your pocket, I know the feeling. I don't know if I would be doing quite as good if I was still at my own apartment with my car and atm card. (Im detoxing at my parents house, no car here and no money or atm card.) You are doing a good job. Like I said before, don't undermine the progress you have made. You are doing good....keep it up! It is nice to know that I am not alone. <3

[Consumed.]

Dont worry blue, if anyone wants to kick with somebody theyll always be able to come here. There will always be somebody too broke or too fed up and is trying to kick!!!!

[jonny-5]

Yeah, Im glad it got me to eat and finally drink some fluids. I know during w/d u should try to push fluids but I cant ever put anything in my stomach at all. About getting money in your pocket, I know the feeling. I don't know if I would be doing quite as good if I was still at my own apartment with my car and atm card. (Im detoxing at my parents house, no car here and no money or atm card.) You are doing a good job. Like I said before, don't undermine the progress you have made. You are doing good....keep it up! It is nice to know that I am not alone. <3

thanx that means more than you know.

[limitless_euphoria]

Looks like you're doing good B.T. Glad to hear you got the xannies. I just finished catching up with the thread. Yeah, I'm about to work on getting myself a script of benzos very soon (valium) and although they're not my personal first choice (k-pins are) beggars cannot afford to be choosers.

I know what the whole not eating thing is like. However, SWIM smokes a lotta weed and likes it very much so SWIM has become a little fatter since kicking. But, all my buds tell me, "we'd prefer a fat you to a doped-out you" and I whole-heartedly agree.

Yeah in '08 my very good friend who is not into opiates has had two other friends besides me kick H and the other two did the geographical thing. You have to do what you have to do to make it work.

If you really, really think about going back you might try getting on a sub program. Subutex saved my life.

Granted, yeah I'm broke and I don't have "a guy" at the moment but I could always do my desparation trick of find a junky, offer to buy him/her a hit too and there we go!

The difference for me would be this time I'd be stealing my family's milk money and I just couldn't do that. I'm not down with stealing, scamming or touching other dudes' parts for money or dope so I'm forced to stay clean.

I wish you luck no matter what happens!

[jonny-5]

hang in there babe youre doing good.

[reddragon3668]

I replied to your other thread on the benzos and hadn't read this one; I've been sort of behind on my reading lately. Anyways, I applaud what your doing. Jumping off of done at 60mg a day has got to be a bitch! I stopped at 5 once (down from 160mg a day over time) and it near about drove me insane. I'm a chronic pain patient and at the time, I had managed to keep a pretty steady supply of opiates for six years or so. I didn't have allot of recent experience with withdrawals and didn't have a clue what I was in for with the done. I took my last dose in the evening and the next morning a hurricane hit and everything shut down... couldn't even get to the damn drugstore to get some lopermide for like three days. It was at the end of the summer and it was still hot, we had no power for those three days and I can tell you, it was pure hell. So, I can only imagine what you've been going through jumping ship at 60mg!

However, from reading this thread it sounds like your doing good and should be proud of yourself! Threads like this serve as an inspiration for many of us when we have to pay the piper. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that by now things are starting the ease off a bit. Hang in there. As for coming on opiophile, for the first year or so I would only come here when I was in withdrawals. For some reason, it was a comfort. Invariably, there was someone else here going through the same thing and that sort of helped me not feel so alone. Now, its such a normal part of my everyday routine that I come here regardless of the situation I am in.

Keep it up and do let us know how your doing from time to time. Take care!

[blutuesday]

hang in there babe youre doing good.

Thank you love, as are you :)

I replied to your other thread on the benzos and hadn't read this one; I've been sort of behind on my reading lately. Anyways, I applaud what your doing. Jumping off of done at 60mg a day has got to be a bitch! I stopped at 5 once (down from 160mg a day over time) and it near about drove me insane. I'm a chronic pain patient and at the time, I had managed to keep a pretty steady supply of opiates for six years or so. I didn't have allot of recent experience with withdrawals and didn't have a clue what I was in for with the done. I took my last dose in the evening and the next morning a hurricane hit and everything shut down... couldn't even get to the damn drugstore to get some lopermide for like three days. It was at the end of the summer and it was still hot, we had no power for those three days and I can tell you, it was pure hell. So, I can only imagine what you've been going through jumping ship at 60mg!

However, from reading this thread it sounds like your doing good and should be proud of yourself! Threads like this serve as an inspiration for many of us when we have to pay the piper. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that by now things are starting the ease off a bit. Hang in there. As for coming on opiophile, for the first year or so I would only come here when I was in withdrawals. For some reason, it was a comfort. Invariably, there was someone else here going through the same thing and that sort of helped me not feel so alone. Now, its such a normal part of my everyday routine that I come here regardless of the situation I am in.

Keep it up and do let us know how your doing from time to time. Take care!

Hey! Thanks for taking the time out to write all of that. You know, it is funny that you mention it about coming here while in w/d. When I was using h and mdone, I rarely came. Now that I am going thru detox, I am here like all day every day. I actually find it comforting, and plus, in the time I have been active instead of lurking/not coming often, I have made so many friends and have more support than I could have ever imagined. This place is awesome, and at this current time, my life. LOL. Besides instant messengers, which keep me occupied too. So thanks again and I will def. be back to update. :) U take care now!

[jonny-5]

im the same way, i dont really come here that much when im deep in a run, im always here when im kicking, and pretty much stay through my next relapse. this place really is comforting when im sick.

[Diluted]

Hang out at the Immortality Institute

http://www.imminst.org

Trust me.

[blutuesday]

Hang out at the Immortality Institute

http://www.imminst.org

Trust me.

First off, of course I don't trust you. But, I was just wondering wtf this shit has to do with me?

[blutuesday]

Hey hey.

Havent posted in here for a while.....I had been feeling a lot better up until like either yesterday or today. I am not sleeping like, at all. I think I got two hours last night after taking way too much clonidine than is safe.

I guess I feel guilty for bitching, because I feel like I am being a whiny baby, so I will try to keep it short.

I don't even fully comprehend the magnitude of the choices that led me to where I am at. I thought that I ran off and left my ex because my addiction was out of hand , but I am starting to think it was because things with my ex were out of hand. I mean, things got BAD. I stopped working and basically just laid around doing dope all day with my ex. All we did was dope. Nothing else. I have always had a theory that I was a functional junkie, but this last time shit got way worse than I would like to admit. Some days of not having enough money left to eat or even some coins for the laundry, and washing clothes in the bath tub. Days of having enough money to support two heroin and two methadone habits, and having the leftover 20 bucks that is meant to eat with or to put gas in the gas hog suv that I have, instead of going to those things,it would end up in my ex's crack pipe, or in his system in the form of mass amounts of xanax bars. Then waking up the next day and not even having enough gas to get to the place to pick up a moneygram to get well. That is no way to live. Day to day like that. Plus, I mean we were more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend over the past year. It just was getting so bad, that I THOUGHT I wanted to get clean, but now Im not so sure. I cant tell if it is just the w/d making me this way, or have I once again thought I wanted to be clean and wasted my time because I will just fuck it up anyway? Then, on the other hand, I have a severlely fucked up situation here at my parents house that I dont think I can deal with.

I know I dont want to go back to living the life that I was living, but I have been on heroin for many years, and there were periods where he was gone (prison), and also when we were together that we never lived bad. Always had money and food, kept the bills up and didnt suffer any adverse consequences due to the addictions, other than the addiction itself (physical dependency) So, I know it can be done.....use. that is, and not live like that. I am sooooo confused. And I know no one can tell me what to do with my life but me, so I wont be offended if this is too heavy/whiny to warrant a response.

In short, I think I want to fucking get high?!?

Or do I? Is it just the w/d talking? FUCK! I am SO confused and starting to get strangely depressed which is totally out of character for me. I am usually really laid back and chill, and now I am all cry baby like. I have not had any period beyond this time and one other time for 30 days in rehab in my entire adult life. Is it possible that I dont like the person I really am, and now the opiates are gone the real me is being exposed?

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[blutuesday]

I took a shower and was in there for like 45 minutes and I got all crazy and just started scrubbing the hell outta my skin. Like, it has this strange feel to it that I cant seem to shake. Prob that poison coming out of every fiber of my existence.

As I sit here, I still feel like its on me and I scrubbed my skin raw....and I don't even know what "it" is. Some super methadone invisible film or some shit.

[rockbottom]

your thinking wrongly right now Tuesday-----you dont want to get high----your just feeling like shit--have the blues---life sucks------this is the worst part of the withdrawals-----get through this and shit gets better----dont fuck up now or i'll be pissed------your strong you've already prooved that

stay strong------

[blutuesday]

Disregard above post. Just had a bad day. I did drink wine today though, and it helped a little but no sleep, just kinda body buzz feeling.

Anyway, I am two hours away from my St. Louis, and have no connects here and I was thinking of doing something rash (like go back that way) and then just figure out the rest when I got there. (being that I cant go "home" cuz of the ex) So that would have been a really BAD situation.

Anyway, I'm alright. Just chilln.

[Saint]

Disregard above post. Just had a bad day. I did drink wine today though, and it helped a little but no sleep, just kinda body buzz feeling.

Anyway, I am two hours away from my St. Louis, and have no connects here and I was thinking of doing something rash (like go back that way) and then just figure out the rest when I got there. (being that I cant go "home" cuz of the ex) So that would have been a really BAD situation.

Anyway, I'm alright. Just chilln.

Mm, you got me kind of worried with your post since I know that blah-I feel like absolute shit-why the fuck shouldn't I get high- feeling all too well. But you've come such a long way now and you're doing so good.. please try to hang in there, take it one day at a time.
Have some wine if that helps or use some benzo's (for a short while) or maybe pod (although I can't stand pod myself, used to smoke all the time when I was young but nowadays it just makes me paranoid and weird feeling..but it seems to do the trick for some).
I find that music helps a lot too, not always but the right music might help at some times.. good luck girl!

[blutuesday]

Mm, you got me kind of worried with your post since I know that blah-I feel like absolute shit-why the fuck shouldn't I get high- feeling all too well. But you've come such a long way now and you're doing so good.. please try to hang in there, take it one day at a time.
Have some wine if that helps or use some benzo's (for a short while) or maybe pod (although I can't stand pod myself, used to smoke all the time when I was young but nowadays it just makes me paranoid and weird feeling..but it seems to do the trick for some).
I find that music helps a lot too, not always but the right music might help at some times.. good luck girl!

Hey. Yeah, I know, I meant to msg you back earlier, and I totally went and got drunk instead. Sorry. I appreciate the words of advice. The wine worked out ok, but I think Ill wait for my benzos to come (prob monday AGAIN) and see how about 6mgs of xanax and a few glasses of wine does. That might make me sleep. The benzos alone will make me sleep about 3 hours, so I'm gonna try to get a good cocktail outta the combo. Re: pods, I cant smoke really ANYTHING, period anymore. (Not a cigarette smoker)

You are right on point with the music. It is the one thing that is keeping me sane at the moment and allows me to escape for a moment. Take Care, sorry for the bitchy post!

[jonny-5]

you got this...just think about the future ;)

[Saint]

Hey. Yeah, I know, I meant to msg you back earlier, and I totally went and got drunk instead. Sorry. I appreciate the words of advice. The wine worked out ok, but I think Ill wait for my benzos to come (prob monday AGAIN) and see how about 6mgs of xanax and a few glasses of wine does. That might make me sleep. The benzos alone will make me sleep about 3 hours, so I'm gonna try to get a good cocktail outta the combo. Re: pods, I cant smoke really ANYTHING, period anymore. (Not a cigarette smoker)

You are right on point with the music. It is the one thing that is keeping me sane at the moment and allows me to escape for a moment. Take Care, sorry for the bitchy post!

Sorry's are not allowed when orignal poster is in WD's ;-). Take it easy & take care, it'll get better.

[blutuesday]

Hey yall, havent updated this thing for a minute so I thought it was about time. Day 19 clean.

Well I am still off of methadone and heroin both, but have been eating quite a few benzos, though usually I end up eating them all in a day or two. (Monday night I copped 50 .5 xanax and this morning I only have 3 left.) I was on the phone with my guy and I was apparently wasted and talking out of my head about random ridiculous things. The first night I ate a whole bunch and drank some chardonnay, then last night I practically ate the rest (apparently I dont remember) and now I have none. Well, I have 3 but that wont do anything so it looks like it will be those plus wine this evening.

I hate to have a premeditated relapse, but I am getting some dope tomorrow. I just need a shot to get me over this hump and get my ass in gear. I think I have made a deciscion to try this "chipping" thing. I know that based on my past history that this doesn't seem plausable, but I really want to try.

I have made up my mind, and the money is already spent. The idea is in my head. The not sleeping has really taken it's toll on me. I didn't tell hardly anyone about the sleep deprivied accident I had. Basically I passed out and split my head open in the shower, requiring 7 stitches.

Hence the need to sleep.

[blutuesday]

Oh yea and mad props to whoever left that anonymous comment on my journal. What a coincidence, not 10 minutes after I wrote the above post, someone leaves me a comment. How mature. Well whoever did it can eat a big bag of shit and die because many of you or who ever wrote that bullshit have NO idea who I am.


Next time, leave your name you cock sucking retard.

[limitless_euphoria]

I hate to have a premeditated relapse, but I am getting some dope tomorrow. I just need a shot to get me over this hump and get my ass in gear. I think I have made a deciscion to try this "chipping" thing. I know that based on my past history that this doesn't seem plausable, but I really want to try.

I have made up my mind, and the money is already spent. The idea is in my head. The not sleeping has really taken it's toll on me. I didn't tell hardly anyone about the sleep deprivied accident I had. Basically I passed out and split my head open in the shower, requiring 7 stitches.

Hence the need to sleep.

And now I know the REST of the story... well I told you about my plan. Fortuantely I feel pretty safe about what I'm doing. Be honest with yourself tho Tuesday, if you go and do whatever you cop... is that going to be enough or are you going to want to go back for more? We'll talk when I'm back home again but it's food for thought. Peace.

[red26]

I had one of those "premeditated relapses" recently ans went thru more than a gram in about 4 hours. Shudda died but thats besides the point. What Im sayin is youz jus nevva knowz whatz a gunna happen. Just be careful with yourself please.

[blutuesday]

And now I know the REST of the story... well I told you about my plan. Fortuantely I feel pretty safe about what I'm doing. Be honest with yourself tho Tuesday, if you go and do whatever you cop... is that going to be enough or are you going to want to go back for more? We'll talk when I'm back home again but it's food for thought. Peace.

Right, I hear ya. All I can do is try though, right?? It is possible and more like probable that I will want to go back for more, because, well, I'm a junkie like everyone else. At the same time, after everything I have been thru, I honestly doubt I will risk catching another habit. Maybe I am in denial, but you never know...wtf woulda thought I made it as far as I did?

I had one of those "premeditated relapses" recently ans went thru more than a gram in about 4 hours. Shudda died but thats besides the point. What Im sayin is youz jus nevva knowz whatz a gunna happen. Just be careful with yourself please.

Yeah, I know I need to be real careful after being clean this long. After my longest clean time of 32 days, I went and did like half a cap (bean/button) and had my head hanging in the toilet. It was a good puke though, I'm sure yall know what I mean by that. I will be careful.

[red26]

hows the anticipation??? Id be goin nuts myself. Nevermind waiting a day, I mean shit the times I've waited that long I coulda ran the 33 miles to downtown denver on the "horray horayy Im hunna get high!!" energy alone. Im detoxing right now too. I blew thru ALL of my pills including my methadone tabs at a really alarming pace so I huess its back to cluckin for me. At least for a few more days anyway. What I wouldnt do for some more xanax right now, Im tellin ya.

[blutuesday]

hows the anticipation??? Id be goin nuts myself. Nevermind waiting a day, I mean shit the times I've waited that long I coulda ran the 33 miles to downtown denver on the "horray horayy Im hunna get high!!" energy alone. Im detoxing right now too. I blew thru ALL of my pills including my methadone tabs at a really alarming pace so I huess its back to cluckin for me. At least for a few more days anyway. What I wouldnt do for some more xanax right now, Im tellin ya.

Yeah, a lot of times anticipation is the worst part. Like, being sick as a dog all day in full on withdrawal, and having no money, Suddenly you get a hundred bucks and drive to the man. For some reason the physical sickness for me does not seem as bad when you KNOW you are going to cop. The body is a crazy thing. And dont worry I ate all my xanax and then woke up and was like, Hmmm that is odd, whrere are they? Apparently person on phone said he could hear me taking handfuls. Hope it gets better. Andt it does, Take Care.

[Duckfeet]

You'll be alright...but like I had said, you wanna be kind of careful w/the benzos, as it's real easy to kind of "switch addictions"...I know I've done it, and benzos can be kind of tuff physical withdrawals..it's just human nature, u know: trying to kick one thing, I always drank more, in the old days, or did valiums, or whatever...but I finally had to face facts--that I'm a stone, uncontrolled addict, and get on methadone maintenance, then slowly detox...without doing anything to help...

But you're young and tough, and I kind of hope you'll beat the game: no one size fits all, everybody's different, and I hope you succeed, if that is your wish...


Yeah, a lot of times anticipation is the worst part. Like, being sick as a dog all day in full on withdrawal, and having no money, Suddenly you get a hundred bucks and drive to the man. For some reason the physical sickness for me does not seem as bad when you KNOW you are going to cop. The body is a crazy thing. And dont worry I ate all my xanax and then woke up and was like, Hmmm that is odd, whrere are they? Apparently person on phone said he could hear me taking handfuls. Hope it gets better. Andt it does, Take Care.

[blutuesday]

You'll be alright...but like I had said, you wanna be kind of careful w/the benzos, as it's real easy to kind of "switch addictions"...I know I've done it, and benzos can be kind of tuff physical withdrawals..it's just human nature, u know: trying to kick one thing, I always drank more, in the old days, or did valiums, or whatever...but I finally had to face facts--that I'm a stone, uncontrolled addict, and get on methadone maintenance, then slowly detox...without doing anything to help...

But you're young and tough, and I kind of hope you'll beat the game: no one size fits all, everybody's different, and I hope you succeed, if that is your wish...

Thing is though DK, everything that you wrote DOES fit me. And you are entirely right. I havent really drank in years, but I used to have a SERIOUS drinking problem before I got into drugs, and I can see it coming back with a vengeance. Also, as you know, I have never really been into benzos much, but I am out of control on them. I don't use them daily, because I usually end up eating them all in one night or two, but I totally do not want to have to w.d from that. I am starting to believe that if it isn't dope, then it is always going to be SOMETHING. And not even always a drug. Like for example, when I exercise, I get obsessed with it etc. I guess I just have an addictive personality. At this point I wish to remain habit free, but I think it is kidding myself to say that I will never touch a drink or drug again at age 25. Or any age for that matter. I am going to just try to be one of those amazing "social" users that are weekend warriors. I know that it seems absurd, but many do achieve it.

[blutuesday]

Okay Saint:

The answer is of course yes.

I was going to put a long drawn out post, but I guess it isn't needed.

It is damn gooooood too.:)

[Saint]

Okay Saint:

The answer is of course yes.

I was going to put a long drawn out post, but I guess it isn't needed.

It is damn gooooood too.:)

Enjoy it while it lasts ;)

[blutuesday]

Enjoy it while it lasts ;)


yes, key word while it "LASTS."

I have been doing good making it last, my tolerance got LOW over 20 clean days.

I think Im about to run out tonight tho.

I have totally opened up a BIG can of worms this time.

[Saint]

yes, key word while it "LASTS."

I have been doing good making it last, my tolerance got LOW over 20 clean days.

I think Im about to run out tonight tho.

I have totally opened up a BIG can of worms this time.

O christ, I know exactly how it is.. been there so many times. I'm kinda depressed lately, dark winter, have even been thinking about H myself.
Ah well, when will it ever end.
Let's just try and enjoy ourselves to the most.

[blutuesday]

Let's just try and enjoy ourselves to the most.

Good Idea! Wanna come over girl??

[oxymoronluvr]

i can say it gets better. stay away from those benzos. the way you talk (eating 25 a day) you are like me and can't control your intake of benzos. but as addicts(I'm saying I'm an addict) i search for the easiest way out and the easiest way to deal with life. life without drugs and things that don't go my way tend to be uncomfortable. to say the least benzo detox sucks. and your brain will hook on to those fuckers just as fast as it does opies esp when the opies are out of the question. and it may prolong your feeling like shit period of the opiate detox. plus who wants to go through an additional detox when you could have just bitten the bullet in the beginning.

and in closing as they say, if you keep on substituting, you will go back to your original drug of choice.

I'm just saying this to try to help. start your clean-time count down once the benzos are done.

[blutuesday]

i can say it gets better. stay away from those benzos. the way you talk (eating 25 a day) you are like me and can't control your intake of benzos. but as addicts(I'm saying I'm an addict) i search for the easiest way out and the easiest way to deal with life. life without drugs and things that don't go my way tend to be uncomfortable. to say the least benzo detox sucks. and your brain will hook on to those fuckers just as fast as it does opies esp when the opies are out of the question. and it may prolong your feeling like shit period of the opiate detox. plus who wants to go through an additional detox when you could have just bitten the bullet in the beginning.

and in closing as they say, if you keep on substituting, you will go back to your original drug of choice.

I'm just saying this to try to help. start your clean-time count down once the benzos are done.


No, you are totally right. But I am not using benzos atm. I relapsed relapsed. Heroin.

Tomorrow will be my first day without any. I am hoping to not be ill. Even tho I used a few days in a row, which I did not intend to do but my tolerance went down so fast, that the amount I got ended up getting spread out over a few days instead of the "one night" party session.

[Raz]

Tuff it out girl.....You know where that road leads if you score again.....Dont put that shit on your back again....
I keep saying to myself when the cravings get bad "Its not the answer".....The only way to enjoy drugs is to use them.Not them use us....Coz dats how it is wiv dat fuckin habit/monkey on our backs, drugs are using us!!

Surely pleasure is something that comes wivout the suffering.....Stay strong girl, you know you can!!
Dont give in and take yourself back down dat road you have just struggled out of....Even if you have to put up wiv a bitta pain and no sleep....I'm sure you can getta holda something to ease you down...Just dont let it be ze smack, coz dat is gonna put you right fuckin back at the bottom of the hill/mountain....
TUFF IT OUT......It aint gonna last too long, couple a ruff nights maybe....You know your tuff, dont give in....You be the guvnor, not some fuckin powder.....

I been struggling for a long long time....But i find myself scoring less and less...It does get easier...You just have to accept inside that more smack is not the answer....My thoughts are with you....I hope this dont come over as some kinda preaching sermon..But you must want something better than a smack habit or you wouldnt have detoxed, right?

[blutuesday]

Tuff it out girl.....You know where that road leads if you score again.....Dont put that shit on your back again....
I keep saying to myself when the cravings get bad "Its not the answer".....The only way to enjoy drugs is to use them.Not them use us....Coz dats how it is wiv dat fuckin habit/monkey on our backs, drugs are using us!!

Surely pleasure is something that comes wivout the suffering.....Stay strong girl, you know you can!!
Dont give in and take yourself back down dat road you have just struggled out of....Even if you have to put up wiv a bitta pain and no sleep....I'm sure you can getta holda something to ease you down...Just dont let it be ze smack, coz dat is gonna put you right fuckin back at the bottom of the hill/mountain....
TUFF IT OUT......It aint gonna last too long, couple a ruff nights maybe....You know your tuff, dont give in....You be the guvnor, not some fuckin powder.....

I been struggling for a long long time....But i find myself scoring less and less...It does get easier...You just have to accept inside that more smack is not the answer....My thoughts are with you....I hope this dont come over as some kinda preaching sermon..But you must want something better than a smack habit or you wouldnt have detoxed, right?


Hey! Of course this didnt sound like some preaching sermon. I appreciate you taking the time to write it. You are right about wanting something better than a habit or else I wouldnt have detoxed. I was detoxing off methadone also...so the plus side is that is gone, plus I got out of the same location as my psycho EX.

Not justifying it at all, but one thing is, I WONT get back on methadone. I would love to try to chip, but that has never seemed to work in the past. Im just confused Raz. If it isn't a drug addiction, it is problems with bulimia. (an another addiction) or also, shopping.

I just need to learn to deal WITHOUT a crutch.

[Raz]

Ok, no methadone....We got dat one sorted.....And you know no more smack isnt the answer....The shopping, well the only place thats gonna hurt is ya pocket!;).....The other stuff, i have no experience of....
Maybe finding some other interest, like if your appearance obsessed, join a gym or something....
All i wanna do is wish you well and give you some encouragement to stay off the smack....I am so pleased you were able to fuck dat shitty methadone off....Just dont score again,ok....

Try and have some rules....And follow them...Like you know if ya break your eg; 2wk chipping rule its more than likely gonna take ya back into junkie hell....Make some rules that keep you safe,habit free...

If you stick to em, the rules, you wont fail....You know your own limitations ,urges, cravings etc etc...Just work yourself some safe rules out and you'll be good....You got Johnny now for some support, help each other out with encouragement an stuff....I'm sure you both want the same things....

I'm here if ya wanna chat....Just follow the rules girl...You KNOW what the right choices are...And i dont wanna read that you've given in and got a smack habit again...Your better than that and there is sooo much more to life.........Wishing you strength and well being.....Raz

[blutuesday]

Ok, no methadone....We got dat one sorted.....And you know no more smack isnt the answer....The shopping, well the only place thats gonna hurt is ya pocket!;).....The other stuff, i have no experience of....
Maybe finding some other interest, like if your appearance obsessed, join a gym or something....
All i wanna do is wish you well and give you some encouragement to stay off the smack....I am so pleased you were able to fuck dat shitty methadone off....Just dont score again,ok....

Try and have some rules....And follow them...Like you know if ya break your eg; 2wk chipping rule its more than likely gonna take ya back into junkie hell....Make some rules that keep you safe,habit free...

If you stick to em, the rules, you wont fail....You know your own limitations ,urges, cravings etc etc...Just work yourself some safe rules out and you'll be good....You got Johnny now for some support, help each other out with encouragement an stuff....I'm sure you both want the same things....

I'm here if ya wanna chat....Just follow the rules girl...You KNOW what the right choices are...And i dont wanna read that you've given in and got a smack habit again...Your better than that and there is sooo much more to life.........Wishing you strength and well being.....Raz

Damn man, thanks for typing all of that. I KNOW you are right. And you are giving me tons of encouragement and it means the world. As far as the appearence obsessed thing, well I do join gyms and then get obsessed with THAT too. The exercising and my bulimia are very related. I don't know if i will ever fully be better from all of this shit. I do need to make some rules. Like, I have Jonny and I can call him anytime I have any urges, but you know how that goes. I am the type to call AFTER I do the thing Im supposed to call b4 doing. And he has been like a lifesaver for me, dont get me wrong. So have all my friends here. I know there is so much more to life, and I have a nursing career to worry about, yet I still can't stop with the substances. I KNOW the right way...it is just a matter of taking it.

I need and appreciate this. And, I PROMISE you won't hear about me getting another mean smack habit. Thanks for all the love man.

[Duckfeet]

Hang in there T...it'll get better: seems like you're just sorting it all out. I had to do the same..and mostly had to kind of quit destroying myself every time I'd fall by the wayside...yeah, I wanted to be off everything again...but I just couldn't get there for a while, so I tried *not* getting crazy with heroin--that didn't work--so I docshopped until I found a doc who would give me enough morphine and norcos to be alright...and that didn't work either, since I couldn't seem to restrict my daily intake...and finally got my doc to perscribe me *methadone* ...and even *that* didn't work, for the same damn reason...so I finally got on methadone clinic...and 3rd or 4th time, that seems to have worked...

But anyway, fuck all that, just don't hurt yourself, honey, or get all self-destructive and do more and more, like I do when I'm that way: it'll get better, just take a deep breath and look at things a little clearly, see what you can--and cannot--do, and maybe see somebody you trust, who can help you...most of us know somebody like that...

best wishes...

[oxymoronluvr]

chipping is not possible for someone who has already been physically addicted to heroin. i can tell you that you will rationalize and justify it all the way to the grave and all the way till u are old and gray and continue to say i just want to use once more and i will not get hooked again and just this one time. its addiction, it is how it works on the mind. all addicts will tell you that, unless a physic change has taken place, they will dream and plan out their next use and plan it to be only that one time and thats it. its just a justification to get the whole damn ball rolling again.

i can tell you story's of watching people do this. i have some clean time and i see it all the time. fact is that whatever you do, if you don't want to get clean, and you are not getting any recourse or consequences for your actions, then you are not going to change.

you don't know how many people say, ill just start again tomorrow, but i gotta finish out today. if you want to stop why not just stop i say to them. they usually dodge the question and move on.

its tough. you need to get yourself some place safe where you can do this. are u using heroin again? if so you need to get to a rehab where you can get some clarity and some days clean. cause you gave it your shot and from what i read above you continue to use.

sorry to be rough and a doosh, but i just want to help you and give you whatever advice i can. i don't like to see people suffer from this. sometimes its so hard for one to see through their own bullshit. thats why others have to point it out.

whats your plan? are you back on heroin?

[blutuesday]

chipping is not possible for someone who has already been physically addicted to heroin. i can tell you that you will rationalize and justify it all the way to the grave and all the way till u are old and gray and continue to say i just want to use once more and i will not get hooked again and just this one time. its addiction, it is how it works on the mind. all addicts will tell you that, unless a physic change has taken place, they will dream and plan out their next use and plan it to be only that one time and thats it. its just a justification to get the whole damn ball rolling again.

i can tell you story's of watching people do this. i have some clean time and i see it all the time. fact is that whatever you do, if you don't want to get clean, and you are not getting any recourse or consequences for your actions, then you are not going to change.

you don't know how many people say, ill just start again tomorrow, but i gotta finish out today. if you want to stop why not just stop i say to them. they usually dodge the question and move on.

its tough. you need to get yourself some place safe where you can do this. are u using heroin again? if so you need to get to a rehab where you can get some clarity and some days clean. cause you gave it your shot and from what i read above you continue to use.

sorry to be rough and a doosh, but i just want to help you and give you whatever advice i can. i don't like to see people suffer from this. sometimes its so hard for one to see through their own bullshit. thats why others have to point it out.

whats your plan? are you back on heroin?

I mean, Im not new to this. I know all of the above. If it was as easy as knowing this shit, then there wouldnt be 2384928394 heroin addicts in the world or whatever.

I know plenty of ppl who have been able to chip after being depend.

I DID have clean time: 21 days and the 32 before that. I refuse to go to another rehab. I havent done dope today but I am expecting some tomorrow along with some subs. So, I guess I will just do that, then detox with the subs.

Not the best plan, but it is what it is.

[RxQueen]

oxymoronlvr.... i'm also an example of someone who's been strung out and now manages to use occasionally. i've also had several patches of clean time in there, some for years at a time. there are some addicts who break the rigid mold set out by the "recovery" scene. and i'm also fully aware of the possibility that i'm completely deluding myself, and only setting myself up for an even more precipitous fall. but maybe you could try to be aware that some junkies really CAN do it successfully without experiencing full-blown relapse of complete down-and-out junkiedom.

i know you're just trying to help, but remember that no one comes here to be 12-stepped. sometimes you get a little stuck on insisting that those rules MUST apply to all situations and all people. different strokes, man... just cuz we're all junkies doesn't mean that one school of recovery's theories apply to all of us.

[blutuesday]

oxymoronlvr.... i'm also an example of someone who's been strung out and now manages to use occasionally. i've also had several patches of clean time in there, some for years at a time. there are some addicts who break the rigid mold set out by the "recovery" scene. and i'm also fully aware of the possibility that i'm completely deluding myself, and only setting myself up for an even more precipitous fall. but maybe you could try to be aware that some junkies really CAN do it successfully without experiencing full-blown relapse of complete down-and-out junkiedom.

i know you're just trying to help, but remember that no one comes here to be 12-stepped. sometimes you get a little stuck on insisting that those rules MUST apply to all situations and all people. different strokes, man... just cuz we're all junkies doesn't mean that one school of recovery's theories apply to all of us.

God. Could not have said it better myself.

Yea, what she said!!!

[Opiyum]

doosh, but i just want to help you and give you whatever advice i canThat Tricycle loving prick can't help himself sometimes. He is compelled to spread the message.
Let me give you some advice. If you want to help people then go where people are looking for your special brand of generic help and empty answers. Instead of logging on here go sit in a group. I'm sure that's what your best at.
And take some advice from your own "higher power". Thou shall not bare false witness!

[RxQueen]

That Tricycle loving prick can't help himself sometimes. He is compelled to spread the message.
Let me give you some advice. If you want to help people then go where people are looking for your special brand of generic help and empty answers. Instead of logging on here go sit in a group. I'm sure that's what your best at.
And take some advice from your own "higher power". Thou shall not bare false witness!

perfect response! i think i love you. :D

[blutuesday]

That Tricycle loving prick can't help himself sometimes. He is compelled to spread the message.
Let me give you some advice. If you want to help people then go where people are looking for your special brand of generic help and empty answers. Instead of logging on here go sit in a group. I'm sure that's what your best at.
And take some advice from your own "higher power". Thou shall not bare false witness!

perfect response! i think i love you. :D


I think I love you both.

I better not say that, cause people round hurr seem to take that outta context. While I have love for all my opies, I do only truly love-love one person. They know who they are.

But ya, thanks yall. I appreciate you both getting out what I was unable to say.

[Duckfeet]

Your doing alright, Tuesday: there is no *perfect* solution for any of us, IMO, even Nick over there when on heroin maintenance said that...we all just strive to do as good as we can on any given day, and some days, the best I can do is just bow to the inevitable, and go get some heroin and be done with it...

Other days, I go to AA, and am happy, and do my yoga, and swim, and think how I seem to have survived *again*...so you'll sort it out, figure what is best, and smile and be happy, once again, somehow...whether it's thru occasional opiate usage, or thru some sort of maintenance plan, or even--god help us--like me, off everything, in AA, and still cheerful, even knowing that the hammer will fall again someday...

So don't be discouraged...I've held all the differing opionons you hear on Opy...but I have an inconsistent brain, and never know how I'll think tomorrow...and I just try to enjoy the day at hand, and to keep some good cheer and opitmism when things are a little coudy...

Well, you know I love yah, and worry about you a bit, but I feel you'll be o.k...

[blutuesday]

Your doing alright, Tuesday: there is no *perfect* solution for any of us, IMO, even Nick over there when on heroin maintenance said that...we all just strive to do as good as we can on any given day, and some days, the best I can do is just bow to the inevitable, and go get some heroin and be done with it...

Other days, I go to AA, and am happy, and do my yoga, and swim, and think how I seem to have survived *again*...so you'll sort it out, figure what is best, and smile and be happy, once again, somehow...whether it's thru occasional opiate usage, or thru some sort of maintenance plan, or even--god help us--like me, off everything, in AA, and still cheerful, even knowing that the hammer will fall again someday...

So don't be discouraged...I've held all the differing opionons you hear on Opy...but I have an inconsistent brain, and never know how I'll think tomorrow...and I just try to enjoy the day at hand, and to keep some good cheer and opitmism when things are a little coudy...

Well, you know I love yah, and worry about you a bit, but I feel you'll be o.k...

Thank you so much, This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I keep hearing so many negatives whether it be family, my family here on opi, or in my own head. Reading what you just posted gave me a total sense of calm. Like, I AM gonna be ok, ya know?

I can always count on you to say something that takes me to another emotional level. Thanks again.

[Raz]

Yeah, you;ll be alright.....You done so in the past and will be in the future......I guess i am trying to help you find what you want.
And telling myself that i'm doin the right thing as well..:o......Fuckin junkies trying to quit can be the worse kinda preacher,,,Huh....Kinda like an ex smoker who suddenly has an aversion to cig smoke!
Fuckin hyprocrites..

Stay safe and you'll be ok....I dont have any answers, just words of encouragement.....Shit your 25, you've got a long rd ahead....May it be a happy one...Just look after yourself and try an not go too nuts!!;)

[blutuesday]

Yeah, you;ll be alright.....You done so in the past and will be in the future......I guess i am trying to help you find what you want.
And telling myself that i'm doin the right thing as well..:o......Fuckin junkies trying to quit can be the worse kinda preacher,,,Huh....Kinda like an ex smoker who suddenly has an aversion to cig smoke!
Fuckin hyprocrites..

Stay safe and you'll be ok....I dont have any answers, just words of encouragement.....Shit your 25, you've got a long rd ahead....May it be a happy one...Just look after yourself and try an not go too nuts!!;)

Yeah, I appreciate it man. I myself don't even know what I want. I guess if the one thing that is positive that came out of this whole struggle is that I kicked the methadone.

The words of encouragement are much appreciated though. I think the not going too nuts part is key. I have a semi good head on my shoulders and some good people in my corner, along w/ a decent dude, plus all yall motherfuckers! I WILL be ok.

[blutuesday]

Here we go again. Kind of.

I am getting my last lil bit of dope today, and then I will have some subs to detox with. At least this time I will have SOMETHING to help me out, which I am so grateful for!

Hopefully this time I make it. I still want to do this, last time the pain just became unbearable, which IMO was probably more due to the methadone than the actual dope.

So, this time: No methadone to worry about. have some subs, and an rx for xanax. Oh, yeah, I forgot, that rx for xanax is already gone. I went to the doc for the first time yesterday (bought myself some health ins. till I get myself a new job) and she gave me 20 (yes, twenty!) .25mg xanax. Then had the nerve to tell me to take HALF a pill b4 bed. lmao. HALF...shiiiiiiiiit. I was yapping when she wrote the rx, so she accidentally wrote to take ONE instead of a half at night. At least that helps me need a refill sooner, because origianlly she was telling me "I wrote for 20, but its really 40 pills since you are taking half." I guess the only good thing about this is that I have my foot in the door so to speak. I can call her and be do the whole "its helped take the edge of a little bit but Im still having panic attacks and cant sleep" bla bla bla thing. Though it does seem with this doc that I might have to stick it out this way for like 6 months to even get a 1mg xanax #30 or hopefully #60. At first she tried to give me paxil and lexapro and I told her that I had tried paxil (they gave me that b.s @ detox before) and that a co worker that is an PA had given me a sample pack of lexapro and that I had a bad reaction and it made me more nervous. (I work in med field.) She STILL tried to give me the GD lexapro because she said that had been a year ago and that I probably was having differnt symptoms then. UM no. So you know I wasnt EVEN leaving with a non benzo so I told her well if you give me lexapro, can you at least give me something to sleep? So thats when the xanax came up. I was trying not to have a huge grin on my face when she said xanax, and then she said HALF of a .25. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Oh well, at least I got ONE night of sleep, that being last night. Now I am all out of xanax but at least I have some of that good good on its way as we speak.

Annnnnnnnnnnnyway, The point of all this was that yea, I am detoxing AGAIN very shortly. Im sure I will be back here bitching, whining and complaining about how much paaaaaaaaaaain Im in and various other things, so we all have that to look forward to.

Nothing better than someone who puts themselves in the stupidest of situations then complains about it. Gotta love me!

[upstate_007]

Annnnnnnnnnnnyway, The point of all this was that yea, I am detoxing AGAIN very shortly. Im sure I will be back here bitching, whining and complaining about how much paaaaaaaaaaain Im in and various other things, so we all have that to look forward to.


We gotta hear all that shit again!?!?!? Just kidding with ya. Sometimes it helps to write about it and release some tension and anxiety online through words.

Wishing the best for you again this time around. Hopefully it goes as well as it can for you! Lean on all of for support if you need it.

[blutuesday]

We gotta hear all that shit again!?!?!? Just kidding with ya. Sometimes it helps to write about it and release some tension and anxiety online through words.

Wishing the best for you again this time around. Hopefully it goes as well as it can for you! Lean on all of for support if you need it.


HAHAHA. Yes, unfortunately you do. But yea, I so appreciate that support. Ive been feeling disjointed and confused about this place lately, so it really is nice to hear that I still count on my homeys here for support.

[Duckfeet]

Yep: we've all been there--more times than I care to admit, in my case--but anyway, be careful w/the benzos, and good luck...this can be a tuff time of year for detoxing and shit, so don't get discouraged...


HAHAHA. Yes, unfortunately you do. But yea, I so appreciate that support. Ive been feeling disjointed and confused about this place lately, so it really is nice to hear that I still count on my homeys here for support.

[upstate_007]

so it really is nice to hear that I still count on my homeys here for support.

Yep. We got your back.

[blutuesday]

Yep: we've all been there--more times than I care to admit, in my case--but anyway, be careful w/the benzos, and good luck...this can be a tuff time of year for detoxing and shit, so don't get discouraged...

Yep. We got your back.

Thanks yall. I really really appreciate it more than you know. Since I moved here to my folks house to kick, I have been pretty much just been having an online life. I mean, I have had plenty of days where I didnt leave the house unless it was to do getting dope related activities. So My life has pretty much been online day and night, and I dont sleep like EVER I spend a lot of time here and on myspace. (lame I know) You can imagine that to have to leave this place would hurt me. With all the drama going on here lately I have honestly been feeling like I might leave. I really have met some great peeps on here and I would hate to leave and not be have the priveledge of seeing and responding to posts. I have just not been getting good vibes lately, and this place used to be like my sanctuary, my safe place, where I could come when ppl were being abusive to me IRL and now, as of late I have been feeling confused and hurt, along with apprehensive about coming here.

Anyway, thanks guys for the support. Love yall

[red26]

Thanks yall. I really really appreciate it more than you know. I have honestly been feeling like I might leave. I really have met some great peeps on here and I would hate to leave and not be have the priveledge of seeing and responding to posts. I have just not been getting good vibes lately, and this place used to be like my sanctuary, my safe place, where I could come when ppl were being abusive to me IRL and now, as of late I have been feeling confused and hurt, along with apprehensive about coming here.

Anyway, thanks guys for the support. Love yall just shake em off. " Oh spare me" is typically what goes thru my head when theres too much B.S. Er maybe just start doing other constructive stuff maybe? Paint a picture, read a book, pump a cat?

[blutuesday]

pump a cat?

HAHAHA! Well, my parents got rid of Jaymes after I moved out, remember? I suppose I could go search for a neighborhood cat, but Id just feel downright dirty and slutty having a one night pump with a cat I didnt know. :D