i relapsed

[matfield]

as some of you may know i went to inpatient detox in june to finally kick methadone and heroin.
had some (more or less) clean weeks i mean at least opiate free weeks first time in 8 years and somehow was really optimistic... but so wrong.
dont know what happened-one day it was like i just dont care!!and bang everything went down the drain again.
i can hardly describe how guilty, ashamed, stupid i felt and still feel.
was so depressive that i spent a month almost only in bed getting high all the time and didn't even like it.
its like i cant live with it but without it neither.
dont now what to do now. i just cannot quit. all the motivation, determination to quit, go through it and live a another life/lifestyle or at least try it for some months is nonexistent now. feeling just very weak:o
subs is an option-already have a doc where i could go anytime but somehow i just dont want to find myself in that "going to the dr all the time" routine again..
although scoring each day and all that is so fucking annoying as well. already broke, nothing to eat and looking fucked up. i really should have gone to rehab right after detox. big mistake.
now i dont know how long it takes to reach that "state of mind" again if you know what i mean.

sorry maybe i should have put this to the piss and moan but i didnt know. dont now nothing right now:(

[I-Nod]

dont know what happened-one day it was like i just dont care!!

I know what happened!!!! You're h-u-m-a-n!! :D

Seriously though... please don't beat yourself up over this. It's a very powerful urge... even stronger than our urge to procreate (why else would we take something that almost completely wipes out our libido?) Wish you the best of luck, my friend... it's hard, but not impossible.

[nick]

as some of you may know i went to inpatient detox in june to finally kick methadone and heroin.
had some (more or less) clean weeks i mean at least opiate free weeks first time in 8 years and somehow was really optimistic... but so wrong.
dont know what happened-one day it was like i just dont care!!and bang everything went down the drain again.
i can hardly describe how guilty, ashamed, stupid i felt and still feel.
was so depressive that i spent a month almost only in bed getting high all the time and didn't even like it.
its like i cant live with it but without it neither.
dont now what to do now. i just cannot quit. all the motivation, determination to quit, go through it and live a another life/lifestyle or at least try it for some months is nonexistent now. feeling just very weak:o
subs is an option-already have a doc where i could go anytime but somehow i just dont want to find myself in that "going to the dr all the time" routine again..
although scoring each day and all that is so fucking annoying as well. already broke, nothing to eat and looking fucked up. i really should have gone to rehab right after detox. big mistake.
now i dont know how long it takes to reach that "state of mind" again if you know what i mean.

sorry maybe i should have put this to the piss and moan but i didnt know. dont now nothing right now:(

I'm truly sorry bro.This is nothing to be ashamed about.Hell,you tried and that takes a lot of courage.

Kicking is a process and for most of us takes practice.

It's what you do next that matters,I hope you work out what you want and find some peace.

Take care.

[Saint]

Nick and I-nod put it very well. You're just human and it does take time.. took me over 15 years and a hundred relapsese to finally quit H. I can definitely relate to you not wanting the 'daily doctor routine' right now. And maybe it's a bit too soon for that anyway.
It seems to me like you'd be better of on some kind of maintenance for a while. Maybe you can get maintenance in the near future - the kind where you don't need to see a doc on a daily basis (since you're from Europe) and try to taper in a few years, when you're ready.
Chances are you'll never be ready but maintenance sure beats heroin for me (not the rush ofcourse -hell no, forget about that - but it made me functional and slowly get a grip on things again .
Please, don't beat yourself up over this, it's useless.

[reddragon3668]

Matfield, I know exactly how you feel. I just fucked up five years of sobriety, from alcohol that is. I know the feelings of shame and guilt can really get to you. But, I-Nod said it all... you, me, we are all just H-U-M-A-N. We make mistakes, bad choices, have bad days and those "I just don't give a fuck kind of days" as well.

You hang in there man. All I could do was get up the next morning and put one foot in front of the other... well, at least I tried.. Took me a bit to get my legs back under me. But seriously, part of the game is falling off the wagon and getting back up. I know you've heard the cliche', its not how many times you fall down its how many times your willing to get back up and try again. Just try and not get lost again and remember what made you get sober to begin with. That's what I've been trying to do. Its been really hard the past few days not to want to drink and continue to reinforce the same old behavior that made me drink in the frist place. My life was in shambles and I was staring into the embers of a burn barrel sharing a pint of maddog 20/20.... that's when you know its times to stop. Now, all I really have to do is think about those days and it sort of changes my mind.

Take care bro. We are here for ya. Keep your head up, you have nothing to be ashamed of!

[WarmCyanide]

realize what you're going through is one of the hardest fucking things to do. of course you'll have dark moments. hang in there.

[ZodiacKiller]

Hey, Mats----truly, man, believe what everyone is saying here. I have had the exact same thoughts as you're voicing here many, many, many times. And who knows, maybe many more to come.

Just know that whenever you hit that point that you are definitely ready to quit, all the treatment options will still be there for you (hopefully..) and then they will work.. Ya just hafta really want it, man. If you can financially swing it and can lead a functional life opiated, well, then when you're truly ready, you'll do it--but only you will know when that is...

I'm currently approx 3 months with no relapses to H---and I've been on Subs for almost 4 years now. I have relapsed countless times. I have hope that this time it'll stick for awhile. My dealer of many years got cracked so I have no hook for H; pills are expensive as fuck here and I ain't done 'em in ages. I kicked benzos CT a couple of months ago and no longer get a script for 'em. I feel better than I have in ages and I hope to be off Sub by Xmas. I'm hopeful; I need the break. I guess that my point is that when all things in life align themselves, hopefully you'll recognize it---I have, I guess. And don't forget, most've us have been there, and this place can be cathartic as hell, so we'll be here for ya. Best of luck!!!

ZK

[The_Highwayman]

Sorry to hear but relapses are realities that us as ex or active addicts DO have to deal with...knowing you want to quit is huge step, there are many people who don;t even want to quit and are slowly just doing poorly....you WILL come back from this, you just have to want to..subs area great thing, I am on them and they have done wonders for me, I know I Would have been strung out again without them..also therapy works very wel for most people, me included..good luck you can have sobriety if you want it, just need to want it badly enough...

[oxymoronluvr]

sounds like your back to where you started. that sucks. i can say subs are a good option if you have tried all methods of getting clean and failed, which it sounds like you did.

sounds like you need to get on the subs. get with some other people that are not using. work on changing your thinking and actions. however you go about it is up to you, its just the going about it thats hard for an addict.

[bored in sofl]

relapse is a good thing. At least it feels good. Seriously forget about it tomorrow is a new day start over

[Badly Drawn Girl]

It's always discouraging to find yourself back where you started, but in reality, it's just a part of the process. You live, you learn, you make changes, and you keep on trying. Beating yourself up accomplishes nothing. Don't use a relapse as an excuse to keep using. It doesn't mean you can't get clean, it doesn't mean it isn't worth the fight. Tomorrow is another day! Hang in there :)

[Raz]

Hey bro, i am the original fuckin yo yo man...I been up an down more times than a whores drawers...

I guess your in a fucked up place right now..?But your get the chance again, to stop.And when you do, just grab it man.With both fuckin hands!!

I just been through a bad binge bro,used my cracked ribs as an excuse.But here i am again, this is my 4th day on just methadone(which i use to maintain) and i'm sayin to myself "gear aint the answer" "it doesent make me happy"....I'm trying to stamp these thoughts in my brain(if i have one) and maybe one day those thoughts will keep me from using again...They have for the past four days and the next 4 days and so on and so on....

You really wanna stop again?...Then get your arse down to the ol sub dr..That way you aint gonna be cluckin your nuts off when you stop..
The other alternative is to do it raw.Get some downers and get a friend to watch over you and just knock yourself out untill your over the wd...The choice is yours,you know that..How many times you been at this point before?...If your anything like me, then its probably your millionth ,gazillionth time and add 1 for the next time, who the fuck knows....
All we can do is fuckin try...You got yourself clean, so ya know it can be done...Ya just gotta do the same ol same ol and do it again....
You know the answer and may the force be wiv ya....Good luck bro....You could probably do it raw if its just the gear your cluckin out..Peace bro..

[Saint]

Hey bro, i am the original fuckin yo yo man...I been up an down more times than a whores drawers...


You always have that special way of putting things ;-)

[Hannah]

You always have that special way of putting things ;-)

Heh, I think I'll put that in my sig...:)

[bored in sofl]

hey it's hannna manna mo totanna mo fanna tanna mofanna tanna put that in your your sig nutcase

[Dan Steely]

Subs will let you live a pretty normal life. You will be surprised how much easier it is to resist temptation when you are on them. Make sure you do your opio research about them. They are a little tricky when you first get started and most drs will have you take way too much. Let the dr over prescribe and just take what you need and stockpile or sell the rest.

Stop agonizing and just get the sub thing goin.

Make sure you let us know how you are doing.

[jonny-5]

Subs will let you live a pretty normal life. You will be surprised how much easier it is to resist temptation when you are on them. Make sure you do your opio research about them. They are a little tricky when you first get started and most drs will have you take way too much. Let the dr over prescribe and just take what you need and stockpile or sell the rest.

Stop agonizing and just get the sub thing goin.

Make sure you let us know how you are doing.

dan ive been wondering about you. hes got some good advice tho, subs make it easier but they dont 100% take away the cravings. some days even with the subs im just like fuck it i need to get high for realz...but that only happens rarely. i hope you get this thing down man.

[bored in sofl]

my first three months on subs went great no cravings then it was like shit I want to get fucked up and I was introduced to patches. they do work

[jonny-5]

my first three months on subs went great no cravings then it was like shit I want to get fucked up and I was introduced to patches. they do work

yea you know ive never made it longer than three months on subs without getting fucked up.

when you say patches you mean bupe patches?

[bored in sofl]

my best friend fent is what I mean. I had the suckers before I was on subs then went on them cause I got sick of missing work frombeing sick so I went on 8mg of sub. I lasted three months got bored made a call for to my oxy hook up and he had patches so I bought them and wasn't to impressed with them but I think the bup was still blocking a little. I waited about 30 hrs be fore I dosed the fent. I did fent for about three days and then decided to quit cold turky. Big mistake two weeks of withdrawls didn't sleep for over two months no comfort meds. I would say the worst part was the anxiety. I'd rather kick dope anyday then subs fuck that shit

[jonny-5]

suboxone is supposed to be a lot harder kick than the tex.

[pain-pateint]

Mates --

Pray tell, what does the "CT" mean in phrases like "benzos CT"?

Thanks,

M

[ZodiacKiller]

^^"CT" = Cold Turkey...


ZK

[SHELLEY]

hey it's hannna manna mo totanna mo fanna tanna mofanna tanna put that in your your sig nutcase

oh come on, that was so uncalled-for :(

[bored in sofl]

^^^Wow shelly the christians must of got a hold of you yesterday

[SHELLEY]

^^^Wow shelly the christians must of got a hold of you yesterday

hahahahahaha
hey, i said some things to hannah myself that were'nt very nice
but only when she said something that deserves a mean retort
i say, only diss people on the forum in response to what they said

hell, why am i defending myself for defending her???
you're right, the christians got me good, my heart bleeds all over my keyboard, what can i say?
they threw me a baby shower and at least 30 people who i don't even know
showed up and handed me bags filled with expensive fuckin' gitfs!!!
shit wouldn't even fit in the car, we had to load some of it into another church ladies car
and she followed my cousins car with me in it!
seriously, i have never seen anything like it- the real christian spirit i guess
put me in too good of a mood to be dissin'...

but, back to being shelley... FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!:D

[Duckfeet]

As so many others have said: this too, is the reality of our lives. All of us who've been at this a while, have been where you are at, and we don't discount it...one of the things about Opiophile that I've always loved is that this site welcomes opiate lovers, no matter where they are currently. I've been all over the place on here, from describing how to do a cold-water quicky extraction on perks and tylox, to babbling on about AA and sobriety...it's part of the deal.

Main thing is not to get discouraged, not to think yer the worst, or an abject failure or anything like that...getting off opiates is always a "day at a time" deal (stealing from AA), and anytime I feel I've got it licked for life, or any such foolishness, other people will just laugh...

I've beaten the game a couple of times, just thru total life changes--AA, avoiding friends that do dope, moving out of town, blah blah blah...and had five years off dope and alcohol, then three years back on it, then seven years off dope and alcohol, then back on dope, no alcohol in nine years, and struggling myself to get off methadone, which saved me from heroin and shit...

So I know how you feel, but don't be too hard on yourself: this stuff is powerful, and when you "slipped" is when most of us do, after the worst of it is over...

So yer in good company man, and best of luck to you, whichever direction you take...
df


as some of you may know i went to inpatient detox in june to finally kick methadone and heroin.

<snip>

sorry maybe i should have put this to the piss and moan but i didnt know. dont now nothing right now:(

[oxymoronluvr]

i know someone who thought they had it licked after 3 years and they relapsed recently. it happens. it is really a day at a time venture. thats all we have. if you think you have more than that you are mistaking.

relapse can be mentally punishing. we are our own worst enemy. the thing not to do is sit there and stew in your shit cause you will end up talking yourself into using more. its a vicious cycle. if duckfeet can deal with what all he has gone through, then there is hope for all of us. cause thats some shit that, that man just said up there. if he made it through all of that shit and still has a smile on his face today there is hope for you and your relapse. get back on track. choose the right things, don't beat yourself up, and move on don't sit there and indulge in what addicts do best and think of negative shit. its easer said than done. but there is hope.

[Saint]

i know someone who thought they had it licked after 3 years and they relapsed recently. it happens. it is really a day at a time venture. thats all we have. if you think you have more than that you are mistaking.


So true. I haven't used H in many years now but after coming off methadone (- now back on it -) and aftr feeling physically drained for over 7 months I caught myself thinking about H again... oh yes.. the rush of a good shot, that warm blanket. Hell, I almost got jealous watching the bums in the park with their beers and their happy pin-eyed smiles..

I didn't do it but still, it catches up with you when you least expect it..

[upstate_007]

So true. I haven't used H in many years now but after coming off methadone (- now back on it -) and aftr feeling physically drained for over 7 months I caught myself thinking about H again... oh yes.. the rush of a good shot, that warm blanket. Hell, I almost got jealous watching the bums in the park with their beers and their happy pin-eyed smiles..

I didn't do it but still, it catches up with you when you least expect it..

I know what you mean Saint. It always hits me when I am tired and weak from pain or just life in general. Out of nowhere, getting a few bags of H seems like a great idea. Thankfully, I realize pretty quick that it is not such a great idea.

[Badly Drawn Girl]

I know what you mean Saint. It always hits me when I am tired and weak from pain or just life in general.

It presents itself in dreams for me. I have the most vivid drug dreams, to the point that I wake up and think I have shit waiting for me. Then I remember that all I have waiting for me is a long drive to the methadone clinic. Man those dreams are a killer.

[chemiKalz]

I think I read on here one time about someones friend who found God, and just quit, he experienced no w/d symptoms or anything....what a lucky fucking bastard.

[rcb]

No WDs = Not much of a habit.

[turdkenedy]

No WDs = Not much of a habit.
noob. doesnt know anything about the power of christ

[bored in sofl]

god did create opies. I'd say thats powerful

[rcb]

Similarly, people suffering from schizophrenia can simply pray to god and it will be cured.


Well, that's what the schizophrenic would say, anyway. ;)

[Duckfeet]

Sure, but I go daily to AA, and I'll tell you, I've seen plenty who have "found god", and still had all the shit: withdrawals, misery, drunken stupidity, children all fucked up: they just seem to talk a lot more about god, is all I can see...and JC gets his name thrown around a lot, too, but damn if I can see what good that does either......what that mean, I don't fucking know....I haven't found god yet, and don't really want to either, as he might be too much like most godly people say he is, and that means he's an asshole....


I think I read on here one time about someones friend who found God, and just quit, he experienced no w/d symptoms or anything....what a lucky fucking bastard.

[jonny-5]

the power of christ compels you....

[limestoneman]

In my opinion, an occasional dose is alright as long as you're not going to do it again and again. Learn to ween yourself.
I'm trying to quit too, and I just can't do cold turkey at this point. I've been doing dope a lot less though, and I'm not doing as much, just enough to get well when the withdrawals peak.

[matfield]

hey.......thanks to all of you! means a lot to me to read everyones opinions and-of course-all your encouraging words.
well i've been really hesitating to take subs but stayed in contact with that doc.
but now i'm pretending from one week to another that i might ween myself down, taper (which works for maybe 1 or 2 days but thats it) and it just doesnt work.
so i guess i have to face it:another maintenance med for me.

have an appointment tomorrow. because i just cannot afford h anymore plus i am not a so called functional addict. at least not with h.ok maybe working 2 or 3 days a week is what im able to do but university starts in 10 days and i just wont be able to study plus working (even more than now) in that condition i am right now. it was no problem with methadone but well, i thought i could start all over now that im 30 and finally try to discover me and life in a different way then before.
Thats why im scared that i will still feel like i failed-when im back in maintenance. Yeah but maybe or obviously it was not the "right" time. but i am wondering when or if that time comes..
Im afraid of all that stigmatization even by dr.s and their assistants too. I just cannot stand these looks anymore. or in the pharmacy where you buy your rigs. or from friends that look at you thinking you could do so much better..

but well. i'll keep on trying to do my best and the best seems to be to go to that doc tomorrow.

take care all of you!

[matfield]

In my opinion, an occasional dose is alright as long as you're not going to do it again and again. Learn to ween yourself.
I'm trying to quit too, and I just can't do cold turkey at this point. I've been doing dope a lot less though, and I'm not doing as much, just enough to get well when the withdrawals peak.

how long has this been working for you now...did you stick to it? or are even clean by now?
like i said i wanted to try this over the last weeks but was only able to taper h for 2 maybe 3 days.
then somewhen i was like fuck it and took a much larger dose again and more frequently too..

have been to the dr today. will start with subs on monday so it seems..

[xxanxx]

^^Good, why not give it a try