Simply Gone
07-15-2008, 01:59 AM
I always thought I was different in many ways from the mainstream. Starting in elementary school I never had many friends. There were only a few people I knew of who I felt I really connected with. The relationships I did have were usually long term. While some people build a network of a wide range of contacts, mine were much more narrow, but more meaningful. I tend to notice being more inclined to associate with people who intrigue me, people who were unique and whose views and behavior often had me perplexed. I saw myself as the perfect balance to this type of personality. I never liked small talk, or casual conversation. I wanted to delve into sophisticated, intricate, deep, pseudo philosophical topics that immediately gained my interest. The personality types I was attracted to were usually people with high intelligence and little guidance, and a tendency for mischief. I find that most of the population is generic - likes to talk about mundane every day events that they build their lives around. But I needed something to stimulate and interest me socially. Perhaps this is just another trait of my supposed ADD – who knows.
When I first tried Vicodin a few years ago, I knew what my version of Nirvana was. I felt like, what I thought I should feel like (like everyone else). I felt like I wanted to know people and their boring details, I wanted to hear each and every word about their day at work, about the weather, about how their favorite sports team was doing. It's as though I was feeling what most people feel – a thirst to socialize. I needed much less stimulation.
A few days ago I combined a dosage of Vicodin with an ADD stimulant. The feelings I felt was just indescribably awesome. Feeling good, yet focused. Focused, yet calm. Calm, yet alert. What an amazing combination.
But ultimately the best part about it, was that I felt as close to normal as I ever remember being. Now in order to understand normal I'll have to define it with a little more depth because it's complicated.
Firstly, there's normal – the way I felt before psychiatric drugs. But was I even "normal" then??? I define "normal" before psychiatric drugs as an ideal normal, because while I had quite a few problems, I could get through life, and I could enjoy it, I could make friends, I had lots of motivation and curiosity, and many interests. Life definitely had potential. There's that normal. And then there's normal. As in a perfection of my traits that I have had since birth – that I feel are undesirable and repressive to my life. (and unrelated to the mindtorture psychiatry has put me through)
The ideal version of normal would be reforming to the way I was before psychiatric medication even though I may still have intact the problems that spurred me to go on medication in the first place. I know, being untainted by chemicals I would be able to heal and work on these personality flaws through therapy, change in diet, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other means.
The condition I have now is a deep remapping of the mind due to years of antidepressants. Prozac, Paxil, and many other SSRI's have permanently left me in this permanent dysphoric state (i can't seem to feel pleasure anymore) I am permanently numb, I have no motivation, every minute hurts. I lost my sexuality do to psychiatric drugs. What I had before going on SSRI's was a mild version of depression one whose impact couldn't touch the damage the treatment itself has done to me. Being off of the antidepressants for years and only being in my early 20's - the pleasure receptors that were destroyed by paxil and prozac have yet to fix themselves. Things like listening to music, sex, social stimulation, isn't what it use to be before medication.(ssri's numb you and take away your motivation without even addressing the route of the problem)
Now the "normal" I felt on Vicodin was both "normal" before I was on the medication, and a degree of "normal" meaning a repression of the bad characteristics that I've always had throughout my life. (unrelated to psychiatry)
For those splendid 45 minutes the drug was in my system I wasn't feeling like complete shit. The dysphoric mood psychiatric medication has put me in for so long was lifted. The not being able to extract much meaningful joy out anything, being constantly unmotivated, and drained in every possible way, all that was gone. I wasn't the pessimistic, frustrated, hopeless, drained person I have felt for so many years after coming off psychiatric medication. For once I felt good, I felt normal. It is so incredible, after feeling like absolute shit for so long to be able to come out of it, even if, for a brief period.
Out of all the things I have tried. All the supplements, psychiatric drugs, nothing has helped bring me out of this haze. Psychiatric drugs put me in this permanent haze of dysphoria, and it is apparent psychiatric drugs cannot dig me out, nor can anything else. It seems the best, most effective treatment would be allowing me to pop a few vicodins every once in a while. It would enable me to look forward to something, it would give me a reason to get through the week, if for, even for an hour, a week - lifting the pain that plagues me so persistently. Of course, my limited supply makes this possibility not an option.
I have tried many other drugs to block this affliction, but there's still nothing like Vicodin. No one would believe me if I said that I could use it without getting addicted, the thing is, I've been using it for the past couple of years and I am experienced enough to know that I would be able to control myself if it was prescribed for me to treat my complicated condition. But I know no one would believe me, considering the way I talk about it. I followed things by the book and went to a doctor for my problems. Little did I know the dire consequences I would face. Nothing on the street could ever compare to the poison of ssris
When I first tried Vicodin a few years ago, I knew what my version of Nirvana was. I felt like, what I thought I should feel like (like everyone else). I felt like I wanted to know people and their boring details, I wanted to hear each and every word about their day at work, about the weather, about how their favorite sports team was doing. It's as though I was feeling what most people feel – a thirst to socialize. I needed much less stimulation.
A few days ago I combined a dosage of Vicodin with an ADD stimulant. The feelings I felt was just indescribably awesome. Feeling good, yet focused. Focused, yet calm. Calm, yet alert. What an amazing combination.
But ultimately the best part about it, was that I felt as close to normal as I ever remember being. Now in order to understand normal I'll have to define it with a little more depth because it's complicated.
Firstly, there's normal – the way I felt before psychiatric drugs. But was I even "normal" then??? I define "normal" before psychiatric drugs as an ideal normal, because while I had quite a few problems, I could get through life, and I could enjoy it, I could make friends, I had lots of motivation and curiosity, and many interests. Life definitely had potential. There's that normal. And then there's normal. As in a perfection of my traits that I have had since birth – that I feel are undesirable and repressive to my life. (and unrelated to the mindtorture psychiatry has put me through)
The ideal version of normal would be reforming to the way I was before psychiatric medication even though I may still have intact the problems that spurred me to go on medication in the first place. I know, being untainted by chemicals I would be able to heal and work on these personality flaws through therapy, change in diet, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other means.
The condition I have now is a deep remapping of the mind due to years of antidepressants. Prozac, Paxil, and many other SSRI's have permanently left me in this permanent dysphoric state (i can't seem to feel pleasure anymore) I am permanently numb, I have no motivation, every minute hurts. I lost my sexuality do to psychiatric drugs. What I had before going on SSRI's was a mild version of depression one whose impact couldn't touch the damage the treatment itself has done to me. Being off of the antidepressants for years and only being in my early 20's - the pleasure receptors that were destroyed by paxil and prozac have yet to fix themselves. Things like listening to music, sex, social stimulation, isn't what it use to be before medication.(ssri's numb you and take away your motivation without even addressing the route of the problem)
Now the "normal" I felt on Vicodin was both "normal" before I was on the medication, and a degree of "normal" meaning a repression of the bad characteristics that I've always had throughout my life. (unrelated to psychiatry)
For those splendid 45 minutes the drug was in my system I wasn't feeling like complete shit. The dysphoric mood psychiatric medication has put me in for so long was lifted. The not being able to extract much meaningful joy out anything, being constantly unmotivated, and drained in every possible way, all that was gone. I wasn't the pessimistic, frustrated, hopeless, drained person I have felt for so many years after coming off psychiatric medication. For once I felt good, I felt normal. It is so incredible, after feeling like absolute shit for so long to be able to come out of it, even if, for a brief period.
Out of all the things I have tried. All the supplements, psychiatric drugs, nothing has helped bring me out of this haze. Psychiatric drugs put me in this permanent haze of dysphoria, and it is apparent psychiatric drugs cannot dig me out, nor can anything else. It seems the best, most effective treatment would be allowing me to pop a few vicodins every once in a while. It would enable me to look forward to something, it would give me a reason to get through the week, if for, even for an hour, a week - lifting the pain that plagues me so persistently. Of course, my limited supply makes this possibility not an option.
I have tried many other drugs to block this affliction, but there's still nothing like Vicodin. No one would believe me if I said that I could use it without getting addicted, the thing is, I've been using it for the past couple of years and I am experienced enough to know that I would be able to control myself if it was prescribed for me to treat my complicated condition. But I know no one would believe me, considering the way I talk about it. I followed things by the book and went to a doctor for my problems. Little did I know the dire consequences I would face. Nothing on the street could ever compare to the poison of ssris