Clean again

[matfield]

So...hello to all of you out there!!

Yesterday i came back from inpatient detox which lasted 2 weeks. they were tapering me down with methadone there (started with 4ml) and i've been feeling pretty shitty from the first night on until now.
But i think it was a good plan that i quit methadone in february and instead had another heroin binge for 3 months to get most of the methadone (about 10ml/d) which i took for nearly 8 years out of my body.
i can only imagine how it would have been to withdraw from all these years of done within 2 weeks..
probably a lot worse!

Well so now im on my 5th day without ANY opiates for a long long time. Think im slowly getting better now. Sleeping is still very difficult-of course-and im still sweating a lot which is disgusting.
But still im proud that i made it and glad that if i wake up theres no need to go to a dr./get money/go to dealer etc..

Somehow its a weird feeling and i dont know if i can stand it but i really really hope so.
I mean actually i didn`t even feel any better with opiates any longer-my life went totally downhill before i went to detox and right now i feel mentaly a lot (!) better than i felt before. something i wouldn`t have expected.

The trouble is that i dont know what to do with other drugs, especially alcohol.
Yesterday i had dinner with friends and family and drank some beer again and when i went home i realized that i was craving opiates again a lot worse than before drinkin..
But going out with friends and only drink coke or water all the time i simply cannot imagine...
Guess im going to NA tomorrow. Never been there so im a bit scared..

Ok that was my little update for those who are interested.
Good luck to all of you whatever your plans are!

[tasteuvheaven]

I'm happy to hear you got yourself clean again. Don't be scared of going to NA. The people there you will be able to relate to. It either is going to be the best thing for you or the worst, problem being you can RELATE to people there. It's something you will have to decide for yourself because only you know you best. It helped me and I know more then a few people it has helped more then hurt. I had the same problem when I took myself off my meds. I started to have a few drinks here and there and it made me wanna find an oxy or something. Thankfully I had supportive people around me who knew the ordeal and was lookin out for me. I know it would suck to go out with friends and drink soda, but it wouldbe even worst for you to have them few drinks and relapse. That would make all of the hard work for nothing, and you basically would be starting all over. Another thing that could happen is you can start to drink in place of usin and end up in another kind of mess. I am not wishing any of these things on you, I want you to do what's best for yourself including thinking about what you do before you do it, so you can stay on the right track. I'm happy to hear you are on the right track, lemme know how NA worked out for ya...:cool:

[nick]

Much congrats on getting this far bro,many don't.

It's up to you now bro,Much luck.

Oh and don't worry about NA they're friendly,a little too friendly for me,but that's a personal thing-I hate being hugged by total strangers.
If NA doesn't feel comfy try AA,I always had better luck with AA.

[ZodiacKiller]

Congrats, matfield! That's actually pretty inspirational to me right now, for a of of reasons...

And take it from someone who quit all booze and blow in '02...I had to force myself to hang with friends who were geeked on blow and drinking when I went to shows, and it was hard at first, real hard (even being faded on opis half the time)---but I just got myself a 7-up and it looked kinda like a drink, so no-one put the 'peer-pressure' on me....

Now, it's been 6 years and I haven't had one single hangover, and I sure don't miss them, thank god, too---'cause they were getting soooo awful. But nowadays, I will have one cocktail occasionally when I go out, and it tastes only ok.....and I haven't been drunk, not once...


ZK

[matfield]

thanks for the responses! im still doing well (i think)-at least still without opis.
havent been to NA yet but i will go there next week!
there are a lot of parties this weekend and i wanted to go out so much so i started to drink my first beer yesterday afternoon, met some friends and went out till the morning. So i couldn't attend that sat.9pm meeting anymore..
cravings are surprisingly not that bad right now! if it only stays like this but it probably won't,huh?
People keep on telling me how much i changed, how good i looked bla bla:)
Thats sweet.
now im about to go to meet my sister to go to some open air rave in a park.
those (illegal) open airs are awsome during the sommer.

i still enjoy being independent!

[Saint]

thanks for the responses! im still doing well (i think)-at least still without opis.
havent been to NA yet but i will go there next week!
there are a lot of parties this weekend and i wanted to go out so much so i started to drink my first beer yesterday afternoon, met some friends and went out till the morning. So i couldn't attend that sat.9pm meeting anymore..
cravings are surprisingly not that bad right now! if it only stays like this but it probably won't,huh?
People keep on telling me how much i changed, how good i looked bla bla:)
Thats sweet.
now im about to go to meet my sister to go to some open air rave in a park.
those (illegal) open airs are awsome during the sommer.

i still enjoy being independent!

Good for you Mat, keep it up & enjoy the rave!

[Chicago]

GOOD JOB!!!!
THE PLAN U DID WOULDA BEEN THE SAME 4 ME ASWELL.

[matfield]

hmm...so im on day 12 of being without opis. have been to NA the first time 2 days ago.
a bit strange everything but still-interesting people, very friendly...although im not really sure how it can help you addiction wise to talk to strangers about your problems,needs,desires. but hey, seems to work for a lot of people.
maybe i just have to get used to this. will be going there again.
but i find it strange that people get no feedback after they have talked..then just the next one starts to speak..

well. i have to admit that i am realizing (again) what an addictive personality i have.
im drinking some beers almost every day now, then occasionally do some coke or xtc (not that much but still...) its like i NEED to do something...:( im definetely missing something. my body is missing something. always feeling somehow hungry or thirsty although im not.

well. what do you think? is this path leading to opiates again sooner or later? probably,huh?

[nick]

hmm...so im on day 12 of being without opis. have been to NA the first time 2 days ago.
a bit strange everything but still-interesting people, very friendly...although im not really sure how it can help you addiction wise to talk to strangers about your problems,needs,desires. but hey, seems to work for a lot of people.
maybe i just have to get used to this. will be going there again.
but i find it strange that people get no feedback after they have talked..then just the next one starts to speak..

well. i have to admit that i am realizing (again) what an addictive personality i have.
im drinking some beers almost every day now, then occasionally do some coke or xtc (not that much but still...) its like i NEED to do something...:( im definetely missing something. my body is missing something. always feeling somehow hungry or thirsty although im not.

well. what do you think? is this path leading to opiates again sooner or later? probably,huh?

The need never goes away,but IT DOES become easier in time and don't forget that this is the first time you've been clean in a long time.It takes time to get used to your body and emotions again.

Oh and please watch the drinking bro,I and many others become drunks without opiates and I honestly think that's worse.

[Saint]

hmm...so im on day 12 of being without opis. have been to NA the first time 2 days ago.
a bit strange everything but still-interesting people, very friendly...although im not really sure how it can help you addiction wise to talk to strangers about your problems,needs,desires. but hey, seems to work for a lot of people.
maybe i just have to get used to this. will be going there again.
but i find it strange that people get no feedback after they have talked..then just the next one starts to speak..

well. i have to admit that i am realizing (again) what an addictive personality i have.
im drinking some beers almost every day now, then occasionally do some coke or xtc (not that much but still...) its like i NEED to do something...:( im definetely missing something. my body is missing something. always feeling somehow hungry or thirsty although im not.

well. what do you think? is this path leading to opiates again sooner or later? probably,huh?

Not necessarily Mat. I think it just takes a hell of a lot of time to get 'sober'. I'm not even sure if one should always get 100% sober. Nothing wrong with a few beers after work imo but since you were saying it made you crave opies you're probably better of staying away from (too much?) alcohol. Personally I'd stay away from the coke.. In Amsterdam the people selling coke are generally into selling H as well. So it's very easy to buy 'one extra something' and relapse..

There is nothing weird about feeling that you 'need something', especially since you're clean for such a (relatively) short period of time. It'll get less eventually but it will never disappear completely I think

Let me see, I started with xtc, speed, heroine, coke and benzo's + some booze and pot.
Then it was only heroine and booze (and an occasional benzo)
Then it was just methadone, benzo and a few beers
Now it's only a low dose tramadol (and yes, benzo's to pull me through withdrawals)

So... this has taken me 25 years but I see some progression here.. I know this sounds a bit like a joke but it's not. It goes to show that even a hardcore IV-ing junky like me can slowly ditch the stuff, bit by bit by bit.
How long did you use? Seven years wasn't it? That's still reversible. Not everybody is an addict for life. Look at how fast you came off methadone. I would never have been able to do that. So you should be proud of yourself.
I really think you can do this Mat. You've already come a long way. You are clean of all opiates for christ sake, that's a major achievement. Really, I don't know many people who've accomplished that.
In fact, I know none.

You said you felt pretty good mentally in your first post and that's a good thing as well. For me depression was my number one trigger into relapsing.
Maybe I'm rambling too much but what I mean is: you're doing great, please try and keep it that way.
Even cravings fade with time. It's been years since I've touched heroine and although I sometimes miss the feeling it gave me I can sit next to someone chasing and it doesn't bother me anymore.
That doesn't mean I don't have an addictive personality cos I obviously do but you learn to control it little by little. It just takes a lot of time..
Wish you the best Mat, take care

[Raz]

I been 20 days without chaseing,although i am still taking methadone.......And for me this is a miracle,first time on soley methadone in a long time....I would suggest takin things very slowly..I been where your at b4 and getting ahead of myself caused me to fuck wiv opi's again(H)......
So this time i intend to just concentrate on not using......If drinking causes you to crave opi's,i would stop drinking or cut way down......Coz we know where that "one time high" can/does lead to.....

You;ve done good bro..I would just concentrate on not using mate...Everything else will come in time...
Get used to feeling "normal"....Good luck in the battle of staying clean...

[matfield]

thanks to all of your responses (especially to saint for that long one)
and well ive been taking opiates (mostly h) for 12 years. methadone for 7 years now.

so update:2 weeks opi free. BUT:drinkin gets worse. im again at at least 5 beers a day.
yep and nick youre so right: i really have to watch this..
still occasionally doing other drugs especially since im still working in that club on weekends.
omg how exhausting it was when i started to work again on saturday night. started at 1am and went home next day 12pm-only made it with 2 lines speed (there was no coca) which is not that much,huh?
but i was drinking heavily...
cravings are not getting that worse anymore when im drinkin..it may be that i am less determined when im drunk and dont really care if i relapse or not which is dangerous too.
oh and the people where i get coke have nothing to do with h so its a bit different,saint.
in the streets of course the arabs (who are doin all the h business over here in berlin) sell next to h some "coke" as well but that has nothing to do with coke but only with lidocain and some speed.

what else. i am so tired and tired of being not able to sleep..
and everything is a bit too much right know. things that happen, people i talk to..
today i was feeling so miserable body wise again..and im so fed up with it!

take care all of you, mat

[nick]

You're doing good bro.Just keep heading towards the light.We are all rooting for you.

[Nate]

Wow, your doing great!! Stay strong, everyday WILL get easier! Keep yourself busy, and if you involve yourself with things that bring those cravings up, avoid them.

I can totally relate with you on that sleep issue, I am just about 2 weeks clean and I sleep a few hours every few days, its hell, but it does get better.