the most doomed poppyhead on here

[opiobsessed]

Sorry everyone for my long story etc, but didn't think any better place than to post this than here since I have been on subs 24mg day for a year now after getting off of a 240 hydro weekly habit. I just wish right now I could or would have died the most euphoric, happy quick death than any other opiophile like me after what I've been through the past week. I wound up in the hospital on my damn b day last week of all things, major digestive stuff again. Long story short, they kept me on the subs in the hospital while they did tests etc. I had to have major surgery and they took me off the subs and right away in 4 hours started me on 1mg morphine. I thought oh how cool, I can get buzzed here, well I didn't get much of anything except sleeping alot. Now here is for the real horror of it all, the day of my surgery it had only been 24 hours since my last sub dose. I went into that room scared that I would wake up and be in pain and they wouldn't be able to do anything for me. Well what seemed like an hour, finally came and took me in and started giving me stuff in the veins, I suddenly started getting a nice buzz, wow, only a few seconds of happiness. Next thing I know, I'm waking up from it all as they are wheeling me into the recovery room, keep in mind I just got out of surgery. I remember saying I have to puke and I dry heaved and suddenly felt like, Oh shit the anesthesia is wearing off so fast before I even get into the recovery room. As soon as I get in there, they switch me to another bed and all of a sudden, I'm shaking in pain so bad I can't hardly talk. I remember a doctor standing above me saying we gotta give some benzo or something and this nurse kept saying he can't have anything or it will react with the suboxone he was on. I'm thinking oh shit, my staples are going to come out and I"m going to die a horrible death because they can't or won't give an opiate addict pain meds. Finally I'm hooked up to a morphine pump I thought. After getting into my room finally, I am still in such pain that they can't get it under control. They had me on dilaudid that I could push every 8 mins and I was barely getting any relief. They had to call the doctor a bunch of times to get me on morphine and I later could see that it was 2mg every 6 mins. I was pushing that thing every chance I could just to keep the pain under control and sadly no buzz. By the 5th day I was thinking things would turn around and the bupe would be out of my system by then and I would get better relief but nothing changed much at all. In fact they discontinued the morphine on the 6th day and switched me to 1mg dilaudid every 3 hours. It barely held me out for two hours and then I was starting to suffer pain and wd at the same time the first day only 4 hours after taken off the morphine. Finally on day 6 they said they were going to put me on 20mg methadone for a while. I was like oh cool, hopefully a buzz and pain relief and a nice test drive with methadone without having to try to score it on the street or going into a clinic etc. Well the methadone at first worked great on the pain, but no real buzz that I could notice enough to say it was a vacation compared to a H high etc. They gave me 4 doses total of 20 mg meth and sent me home to go to my sub doctor for my scripts. I'm thinking cool maybe he will switch me to methadone and I'll feel better. Well I was so sadly wrong, he told me to not risk taking any suboxone until 24 hours at least since my last methadose. I'm home now and had just picked up my script and had waited 24 hours with nothing in me, the wd's were not too bad, then I'm thinking holy shit I thought you have to be in bad wd long before you can switch from meth to suboxone. I sat there hopeing as I took my first 8mg sub, well nothing bad happened but nothing really good either. Sub works fairly good for pain but all this goes to show you all how you dont dare want to be known at your local hospital as an opiate addict, or get yourself in the mess I'm in. I've got serious health problems and being known as an opiate addict sucks even more. Its even worse when you have to be put right back on sub after surgery and you aren't allowed even a week or two of bliss with some nice big dose of morphine 80mg or more. This is and has been living hell and this poppyhead is out of commission for a while. With no hope for a high or getting out to do anything and stuck inside at the mercy of only this one cool place I found to chat with people like me, does anyone here got anything to say as far as? anything at all I could do to get high somehow? I know I'm not as knowledgeable as some real educated opiophiles here, but certainly there must be some way I could mess around with something or another. After all I've been through and the different drugs etc is there some still in me that is causing the suboxone to not work quite as good now? from what I've told so far is my tolerance shot out the roof to the point I'll never get high again unless I suffer a horrible year in wd from everything all together. This really sucks bad, I even remember when they put me on the methadone, the first night I slept good, I had this strange vivid dream that was scary, I dreamed I had just come home from the hospital had had a violent fit and started smashing stuff and crying and dreamed I was dying from something etc. This strange dream happened twice.

[shaunclo]

Opio, you sound like you really need to get something else in your life soon. I know you just got out of surgery and I know what thats like, you can barely move, shit, eat, swallow or breath at times. I suggest renting a bunch of funny movies to bring your mood up. I dont know what to tell you, but you need something else in your life. If the subs arent working for you as they should, than maybe you should switch to meth. I hate saying that, but it really sounds like you need something to get your mind off of the constant, "I need to get high or die" mentality (sp). Go to the hobby store and put together some model airplanes or cars. That helped me out when I got out of surgery. Just something, try to remember something you use to do that made you happy and do it. Its hard to pull your head out of the black-cloud that sometimes settles upon us, but sometimes it takes a little strength. If you need to talk PM me.

[antony]

shaunclos right, the depressions what going to eat you alive man. maybe call some of your friends over, just try to jump out of your habits you apply to getting high. god knows i cant play ps with out fiending just a bit. nothing sucks bigger horse cock than a brazilian whore then this(sorry if that makes zero sense.) its cabin fever man on the north pole in jan. just got to get moving when you can.

[ontario_opiophile]

I was in the hospital once just getting tests done and they put me on 8mg dilaudid every 4 hours because my back hurt. And you had surgery and they were skimping on the pain meds. I would have fucking demanded more. If a doc is going surgery on me i'm going to make sure the fucker is going to give me whatever I need after it. I'm supposed to get an endoscopy done and I'm choosing which painkiller and sedative I want or i'm not doing it. I would have caused a shit storm if I was having all these problems. That sounded like a nightmare and no one should have to suffer like that. You do need something else in your life other than opiates, you sound like you've been through alot. I've been stuck in my house for almost 4 years with a bunch of health problem so I understand a bit of what your going through. I have a drug addiction too and have gone through alot of shitty times lately and I just know how you feel. Like shaunclo said if you want to talk i'm here. Just keep busy and try to get your mind off of things.

[opiobsessed]

I'm at such a low point in my life right now after all I've been through that I just dont give a fuck anymore. I'm ready to commit suicide if one more thing happens, I just hope for god sake that I'm in a position to do it, because I won't stand for being holed up somewhere preventing me from taking my life if need be. I can't believe you got 8mg dillies for your stay and yet I had much worse stuff to deal with and these idiots started me out on a measly .5 dilaudid until I finally spoke up and that even didn't do much, they only put me up to 1mg dilaudid before switching me to only 20mg methadone. Fuck the US this country sucks donkey balls and I would sell my soul right now if someone would come along and offer me a chance to get the fuck outta here and move to a country that accepts opiates and hopeless disabled people like me who are fucked mentally and physically. I've even been driven to insanity by the filthy rich, greedy scum in this country who want to shut out the little guy who is trying to get ahead so the rich scum can stay rich. Well at least I have em by the balls in some way, because when I last protested against the people for the war they started with me, they couldn't do shit because I'm broke and can't pay any huge fines anyway, it sure pissed off the police though and caused some mayhem out on the roads that of course didn't hurt anyone, but seriously interrupted thier day.

[antony]

man i really feel bad for you right now, but, you're going to get yourself thrown into elgin psych ward if you keep up that "everyones against me and I'll take em all on". I honestly hope that you can get better, and what was just read from you seems that you're starting to go down a very dangerous road that sometimes doesn't have a way back.

Just hope you get better man

[opiobsessed]

I just realized I'm getting to sound pretty bad, hope I'm not scareing anyone but I hope something comes along soon because I need a drastic change in my life so bad its killing me with boredom. I know I'm probably the only one here who has mental problems too, but i'm not as scary as I sound, I just get so disgusted sometimes because things suck so bad for me. I've been to aa etc meetings to try to meet someone for support and all of these groups seem to be always the same "gang" of people everywhere, who seem to stick to themselves and I dont meet anyone I seem to enjoy being with.

[psychotiKK]

I understand alot about depression, lonliness, and being a drug addict (mostly to opies) I always want to get high. Being normal doesn't do it for me, because I'm always depressed. A while ago I was actually happy in my life, met a girl I fell in love with then she ended up breaking my heart after 20 months of going out. That was also around the same time I went for treatment and went on the suboxone program. I have 3 different docs.. my psychiatrist/psychotherapist who not only prescribes me stuff but gives me therapy and tries to help with some of my problems, (depression/low self esteem) then I have my primary care doc that makes sure I'm in good shape and not sick.. and finally I have my suboxone doctor which thinks a pill won't cure the addiction, but going to NA all the time, meeting people, and finding a sponser will cure it. He bitches at me for smoking weed, and tells me to quit, but I told him I'm not going to yet. He tells me to get over my ex girlfriend, but it's hard because I have the hardest time meeting nice, attractive girls. The slutty, not very attractive ones always come to me.. Second time I went to NA some girl was all over me saying how she wants to fuck me and all this shit.. she was a psycho though. I felt so close to my ex when we were going out and I didn't need drugs to be happy, but then she decides she wants to end it, do drugs with her friends all the time, and find other dick. It's just hard for me to get over stuff like this, 'specially when it seems like she didnt give a fuck when she broke up with me. It made me feel like wow if im not good enough for this girl, who am i good enough for? Just those random sluts that want to fuck me?

The suboxone only makes me not feel sick and kicks up my cannabis high a bit, but that's really all it does. I want on methadone because I can actually get high off of it for awhile, and I will never be able to afford the suboxone myself, which isn't really helping me that much. I crave other drugs like crazy still. 16mg doesn't hold me. I doubt 32mg would hold me. The only time it actually helped was when I first started and was getting kinda high on it and was nodding a bit. After about two weeks that completely went away, and I can't get that same feeling back no matter what it seems. That's why I was thinking about even shooting up this shit. I've shot up heroin, but I don't know anything about how to IV since someone else always did it for me. I got prescribed wellbutrin and zoop said combining it with suboxone was a pleasant experience.. but I don't know if it would be the same for me. ANYWAYS

Will shooting up the suboxone in small amounts (1-4mg) work alot better then taking 16mg sublingually? How do you shoot it up correctly? All I know is about the cotton, micro filter, and syringe, but I don't know anythign else. I need a step by step process here, and you guys are 100% positive the nalaxone won't put me through withdrawals?? I'm kind of on edge here as you have seen. I've been depressed as fuck for awhile now and I haven't been able to touch any REAL opiates because of being maintained on suboxone, so I want the most out of this shit before making a decision like turning to the liquid handcuffs. Only problem is my whole family would hate me on that shit, my sister is on it herself but she had a much larger problem then I did. The thing is I went on suboxone to hope it would kill my cravings and atleast make me feel a bit opiated up (warm feeling, happiness, floating on a cloud feeling) but sublingually or nasally it hasn't done that for me. I never thought I'd shoot up any of my own meds but hell maybe it's for the best. So please, someone give me a step by step guide on how to do it correctly, and also tell me where I can buy syringes. What should i say when I buy them? I don't want to look like a junkie.. even though I'd LOVE to shoot up some H right about now.. hell some methadone would have me happy as fuck and I could live on with my life.

- Sorry about going off topic a bit here but I need some help too :P

[psychotiKK]

God I haven't had cravings this bad today for a long time. I've been depressed for years on and off, and this suboxone isn't holding me. Suboxone kind of sucks in my opinion. You have to pay SO much just for some weak drug to stop your withdrawals. I can't get high off of them, not even a buzz. I'm at 16mg or two 8mg sublingual pills, and even when I take 24mg, I don't feel much of a difference at all. The drug doesn't do jack shit for my cravings, I fiend every fucking day. The thing is I'll come across some weak opioids and I can't take them cuz I'm on subs. At first it was a wonderdrug. No withdrawals, got me high, no cravings, and I needed less of every drug to get a stronger effect. I only needed one hit of good weed to get me high. The high was awesome too, reminded me of combining pod tea and cannabis. Well, that wen't away. Fuck I mean the damn price is ridiculous and all the docs say is, "go to meetings and you'll stop craving." yeah ok.. no one in the world can talk to me and get me to stop opiates.. even seeing how it ruined my family for awhile living with my heroin addicted sister. I tell the docs the suboxone isn't working for shit and they just give me the same old shit, "it's not a miracle drug, you need to go to meetings and get out to become clean and sober." THEN WHY IS IT FUCKING ADVERTISED SAYING IT WILL REDUCE CRAVINGS??? I'm craving the same as if I were off the drug or on, atleast off this shit I could use some good drugs.

I talked to my mom telling her how the suboxone really isn't doing shit for me, also how I'm depressed all the time and never want to get up, or have no motivation to do anything, and just fiend drugs daily. I asked if it would be okay to try something different like methadone, but she's completely against it because my sister is on it.. I could pay for the stuff myself possibly, but I don't know where to start. I know how to find clinics in my area, but I won't have much money, maybe 50 bucks the first time i walk in. I just wish my parents could help me start it off so I get used to the routine and know how much to pay and when I have to give it to them. So.. wtf should I do? Could I go to a methadone clinic and tell them I've been on suboxone recently for my opiate addiction and start the program? Wouldn't I have ot pay some fee before paying for the meds? I just want to be fucking happy... have the energy and motivation to do things.. keep a job (I don't even have one, just work for my dad occasionally).. stay in school (can't go to any because of all my problems) For the past two months I've been an emotional wreck.. my first true love left me, I went into treatment so I had to deal with my parents realizing I was addicted to pods, (i just tell them morphine) and I've been trying to get in touch with my friends again.. lets just say only one of them really talks to me and it's not like I talk to him every day either.. I see him maybe once or twice a week at the most, and he lives literally 5 min from me. I have WALKED to his house before. Basically I've been dealing with: hard breakup, parents yelling at me wanting me out of the house, giving me shit all the time, having hardly any friends, nothing to do but sit around and be depressed. All I've wanted is some real drugs to get high on. I feel like I'm losing it. Last week and a few times in the past couple months I contemplated suicide. There is so much I need to do, but none of it can be done because of my damn disease. The only thing that motivates me to do things is drugs.


I'm hoping shooting up the suboxones will help me get to where I want to be, but I have a feeling the magic would run off too soon.. also with the suboxone, when you raise your dose, the more nalaxone runs in your system. So wouldn't that be a reason why higher doses don't work that well? I would think having subutex in higher doses would create some euphoria from me.. anyone know?

[opiobsessed]

Don't shoot the subs, that will bring on bad wd I heard, I've never dared try to shoot the subs from what I've heard. I only tried snorting one of my 8mg pills one time and it just made me maybe a little higher but was not worth it because later that afternoon I got a headache that bothered me till my next dose and it seemed to screw with my dose for a few days after because I didn't get much effect at all from my next doses for two days after that. I myself am strongly considering switching to methadone, but the only thing that is keeping me back is the scary fact that I dont have a reliable car and a steady income, the only thing that keeps me chained to this lousy sub is my insurance just kicked in and I dont have to go into a clinic everyday at a strange hour because I sleep till noon at least everyday. Heck if I could I would just sleep all the time.