Quitting, Chipping, Maintenance and long term withdrawal effects

[luxziones]

Hey I'm new to this site and and I am going through some tough times. I have either experienced or been very close to all of the horrible aspects of heroin addiction, but when I attempt to quit I can only get a few days clean befor I forget everything that I hated about being a junky. I quickly fall into a self hating depressive state where I know I'm only upset because of what i've done (chemically and physically) to my brain and body over the past few years of using heroin, but I don't care, its either kill myself or use. I feel like i need a collor that shocks me with 10,000 volts every time i think about using. I've been using 10+ bags a day for weeks, then use suboxone or other meds to get clean, and only stay clean for a few days and then I forget why i wanted to get clean in the first place. I know I cant keep it up with a healthy addiction, but I still want to be a succesful " chipper" I associate daily use with horrible acne and health, horrible diet and lifestyle, while I associate chipping with just running the risk of getting cought by police or maybe overdosing. Anyways I know this is hard to fallow but who else can relate to the idea of Wanting to quit 75 % of the time, but then forgetting all the shit you've been through when all you want is to feel good again and be happy. What makes other people finally make up their minds to quit for good? What kind of experience have people had with depression after a lengthy heroin addiction? I've never experienced depression like this, I can sit here and want to kill myself one minute, then i realize i havent dosed on suboxone for over 24 hours, so i take a pill, then suddenly I'm content in my own skin again.

[mmnyc9]

It's hard to get and stay clean most people who use and wan't to quit go thru the same thing. All the bad things that can happen suck. wanting to get clean is a good place to start. you are not alone that's for sure, peace.

[lukilu]

Wow , Can I relate ! I had a small habit with heroin and speed back in the day and I kept telling myself over and over again I will stay stopped this time Well it never worked until finally I heard about a friend of mine who said exact same thing only he was able to stay stopped for 5 years and I asked him how and yea you guessed it NA- Narcotics Annonomous . I did it also and worked like a charm and its not that bad . If I ever hit that kind of a place again I wont hesitate to go back ! If your able to take what you need and leave the rest it works and there are some cool peeps there . Anyway im not trying to sell the place but just my exsperience . Comprende !
Lukilu

[devilsdrug]

that is the ticket , take what you need and leave the rest, aa na ive done all those intense group , easy group bla bla bla , on and on into the night , the botton line is for me ok im gonna use cause it feels good so get use to it or you will die or kill yourself fighting it. might as well go along with it using some control to round, off the sharp edges. im probably not being very clear.

[lukilu]

Yea , I here ya . And I think I understand ya. If you can come to accept it, and do as you say and control it, well I agree, BUT for some that is not possible at this point in there life or any for that matter ,so in that case, outside help is the healthy way out and nothing to be ashamed of . I am a healthier person because of the outside help that cleaned up a "inside job" ! ;) Lukilu

[pointed]

Hey I'm new to this site and and I am going through some tough times. I have either experienced or been very close to all of the horrible aspects of heroin addiction, but when I attempt to quit I can only get a few days clean befor I forget everything that I hated about being a junky. I quickly fall into a self hating depressive state where I know I'm only upset because of what i've done (chemically and physically) to my brain and body over the past few years of using heroin, but I don't care, its either kill myself or use. I feel like i need a collor that shocks me with 10,000 volts every time i think about using. I've been using 10+ bags a day for weeks, then use suboxone or other meds to get clean, and only stay clean for a few days and then I forget why i wanted to get clean in the first place. I know I cant keep it up with a healthy addiction, but I still want to be a succesful " chipper" I associate daily use with horrible acne and health, horrible diet and lifestyle, while I associate chipping with just running the risk of getting cought by police or maybe overdosing. Anyways I know this is hard to fallow but who else can relate to the idea of Wanting to quit 75 % of the time, but then forgetting all the shit you've been through when all you want is to feel good again and be happy. What makes other people finally make up their minds to quit for good? What kind of experience have people had with depression after a lengthy heroin addiction? I've never experienced depression like this, I can sit here and want to kill myself one minute, then i realize i havent dosed on suboxone for over 24 hours, so i take a pill, then suddenly I'm content in my own skin again.

I hear you regarding the difficulty involved with quitting. Suffice to say, that when I was strung out, my boyfriend was dealing coke, I was dancing, and we had an all-expenses paid vacation at my place on campus. That meant, ALOT of dope, though perhaps less than one might think, as dope is horrifically overpriced in New Orleans. Nobody can really tell you how or why to quit. In the final analysis, one just has to bite the bullet and do it. Eventually, not using everyday becomes as much of a habit as using, seriously. I was supposed to hook up with a bundle of tar this weekend, and I actually forgot to call the guy; can you imagine? I think about dope a great deal, but I am simply out of the habit of needing to obtain it every day. Depression...That is a tough question. I've been off the 'done for over 6 months now and the depression still kills me. To be very honest, a great deal of the appeal that heroin held for me in the first place was that I finally felt like something human when I did it. I am massively depressive and I don't find psych meds to be efficacious. On the contrary, psych meds have almost killed me more than once. When you are straight, and down and dying, all of the difficulties and miseries associated with dope use just pale in comparison to feeling OK again. To feeling perfect and beautiful, and oh, god, dare I say it....happy? I guess...I guess....You just need to ask yourself why you don't want to be strung out anymore, really. And, honestly, are you a person who could be a chipper? In my experience, it is best to wait until the "non-using" habit is formed before messing around with chipping too much, else the monkey goes back to dancing. In my case, pride motivated me to quit. I had a hard time looking myself in the mirror every day. I don't have any problems with pursuing a functional addict lifestyle, but my lifestyle wasn't functional, after awhile. The idea that I had voluntarily delivered myself into bondage humiliated me beyond belief and the idea of that kind of dependency....Oh, it made me feel like a weak fool. And since I am not of a trusting nature, depending on something apart from my own hands and brain messed with me a bit. The truth of the matter is that feeling that good made me unproductive most of the time. Dunno, dunno. Just....good luck. I can't stand NA and related stuff; I think its idiotic. I'm damned lucky that my family threw me to the shrinks rather than an inpatient rehab. Once you really, really make up your mind, the rest follows. I know that sounds simplistic in the extreme, but it is true. If you screw up, so what? That doesn't mean that you have lost the progress that you made. Just keep going. That is the hard part. Trying to tough it out with no relief in sight is just not easy. And be damned careful of shrinks. Most of them don't have the brains that god gave a doorknob, and none have any scruples. Best to you!

Kate