Kickin'

[Duckfeet]

Kyuss's travails got me thinking. Try not to bore too many of people by telling my whole fucking story...but mostly this last year and a half, been bouncing around from a short dilaudid run in hospital, to a couple of methadone detoxes, to a couple of sub detoxes, to heroin...(tar, mostly).

This is *not* a cry for help, BTW, just jotting down, for my pals, what I'm up to... I was admin, but resigned...which is good, I was burntout...but I know I can't keep getting heroin. I was on methadone maintenance, and managed to get from 100mg down to 50mg, but then started tar again, and kept dropping in dose, until last week, where I started stashing my dope--35mg daily, at this point--for future probs. I've got six little bottles, and got a month of perks and a month of morphine sulfate pills.

Anyway, been a week off of mdone, but damn if I haven't traded it in on a doozy heroin habit...say a gram and a half a day, to be honest. I say "a gram" but I know better....I was thinking when I answered Kyuss, that I don't know if I've *ever* kicked heroin, as long as I had a dopehouse within a reasonable drive...

and I hate the idea of going back on methadone, and subs, too, as I always end up on heroin anyway...Maybe I take off...Ive done that before....just head east until I'm out east of Texas, where I don't know where to cop, and maybe w/that, the mdone and the pills I could get off of everything...

I don't know...maybe I should just get back on damned old methadone....I know I'll fail my piss test this week, anyway, so even weekend takehomes will be gone...

Well, I'll go up to Mom's tomorrow. Got a big wedding for my nephew in March, and I hate, once more, to be the center of attention by taking off before then, so I'll decide something...

Oh well, need not despair, I've been here a hundred times before...seems like I should be in a rocking chair somewhere, or something....rather than back in dopeland...

Best wishes to all...

df

[Frank Zito]

Duck, I been reading your posts on here for quite some time and I remember a lot of the stuff that you have to say. It seems to me like you are on a never ending merry-go-round of long term bingeing interspersed with clean up periods. If I was you and in your situation and feel like you say you do, I would pack my shit, move to the east coast, buy a little ocean front property, and cultivate a reliable source for the Real Deal Holyfeild. Jump in feet first as them old timers used to tell you when you were a youngster. You got a lot more notches in your belt than most and you're at a time in your life when you should be able to do whatever in the fuck you want. Maybe this is erroneous advice but from what I can gather from what you have related in most of your posts, I think that you'd be content with that scenario. Ask yourself this: Would you be feeling this way right now if some guy that lived in the trailer right next to you sold eight balls of good old East Coast for 350 a whop? I bet passing an MMT Ua would be the furthest thing from your mind. I could be wrong though. If I am, please do not take offense to anything I had to say herein.

You ever see the movie Little Miss Sunshine? If not, rent it. You remind me of the grandpa from that joint.

[Mallinckrodt]

Congrats on gettin that slow acting monster off your receptors. I envy you man. Anything seems easier to manage than a 'done habit, at least more fun i guess, for me anyway.

I would love to be off of the 'done, and reading some of your posts and seeing that you can do it has made me think more seriously about doing it myself.

'Done has helped me a lot and given me the chance to think straight for a while, but now it's time i really consider detoxing. I think its great you are off of it!

[Duckfeet]

Yup, my curse, which I'm always a bit embarassed by, probably just boils down to inconsistency of thought, more than anything else. When I reread what I posted, I realize that, so much. Oh well, been this way most of my life, so just play it out, best I can...Either I'll decide one way or another, whether it be approved opy, unapproved opy, or abstinance, and until I decide that seriously, u can just call me pinball ...

[kyuss]

I love you Duck,
do like I'm doing tonite,,,,
grab a bottle baby
and worship Morrison


Wha, yeah!, cmon,
yeah, yeah, cmon, yeah
Yeah, cmon, oh,
yeah,
Yeah,
Im a back door man,
Im a back door man
The men dont know, but the little girl understand
Hey, all you people that tryin to sleep
Im out to make it with my midnight dream, yeah
cause Im a back door man, the men dont know
But the little girls understand, all right, yeah
You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans
I eat more chicken, than any man ever seen,
yeah, yeah
Im a back door man,
wha, the men dont know
But the little girl understand
Well, Im a back door man
Im a back door man
Whoa, baby, Im a back door man
The men dont know
But the little girls understand

[Seedy]

Mr. Feet, I know you've had this advice before & you haven't been into it, but how can you know until you try? Just try some pods. Just one order, see if it works for you. I know I'm only 5 years into this crazy new life compared to your.. what, 35? But shit, it works for me and so many other people on here.

Man it might not work but what have you got to lose? It's another option.

[eerased]

Hi DF
Your post made me a little sad. I'm use to seeing you confident and sure of the answer to most things. I dont have a whole lot of advice for you but I did want to say this to shall pass. You know I go through this cycle in my head where I'm SO Damm down about my addiction and how it controls all aspects of my life. It sounds like that's what you are going through.

It sux that we have forfeited our freedom for dope. It's not really even the dope that is the problem it's the fact that it's the way we have to go about getting the dope. Once the chase is on it's all or nothing. I often wish I mean beg and wish more that I could be as obsessed with ANYTHING besides getting my shit, and so far nothing has been able to answer that wish. I think that once we are at the point here it's next to impossible to stop but to maintain it's doable while it's not as enjoying as getting wacked at least we can function.

Now the problem is our lives are so short and we probably spend a HUGE portion chasing.

it sucks when you think of the time, never mind the cash we blow on our needs. Like I said above I dont have any good advice I'm in the same boat but if we could figure this shit out we wouldn't be typing this post.

I just wanted to send you luv and well wishes in you bummed day and hope that tomorrow you can wake up wish some happy ducky thoughts, wishes, hopes and dreams!! Any Then...... TRY AGAIN

[Saint]

I was wondering what you were up to these days DF. Last thing I knew was that you were tapering again and chipping on tar a little.
We both struggle with the endless merry-go-round of tapers and different detoxes only to end up in the same seat all over again. What bothers me most is that I feel like I have given up my freedom to live the way I want to live. I feel down realising that I will never make it to Indonesia because I'm not allowed in while still on methadone. I feel down realising that I'll probably be on this shit for the rest of my life.

Like you I have been thinking about using H again for a while to get the methadone out of my system (although I don't think it was a 'deliberate decision' for you to go back on tar but anyway, you know what I mean). At least the done will be out of your system when you've been on heroine/tar for a while. That seems like one step ahead.
The problem is: then what? You'll still need some opiate or another. Or you'd have to go cold-turkey.
I don't know diddly about pods or seeds but maybe that's a solution too. I'm going for the kratom and tramadolroute myself once I'm below 20 mgs.. see if that works out. Probably not...
I made it to 30 mgs, going to 25 next week, still doing pretty o.k. but already fearing the doom and gloom that lies ahead once below 20 mgs..
Like I said we live in this perpetuum mobile of using and tapering.. and I'm afraid I can not offer you any decent advice on how to escape it.
My answer is usually to run. Go somewhere far away for a while and try to kick there, have some peace and quiet for a while. Get away from the ratrace and try to get things back in perspective.
But even that solution is limited by the impossibility of taking methadone to certain places. But maybe heading east, like you said, is a good idea.
I wish there was an easy way out for you or a heroine maintenance-option somehow, somewhere. Wish you the best DF, keep us posted.

[Papa Verine]

Hey DF, We're all in this together. Sometimes that's the only thing I feel I have going for me...that I'm not alone. I know you have done the AA or NA thing A lot, and it helps you in one way or another. Why not give abstinance a shot? It doesn't have to be all that painful, you can do a taper with what you've got, but if you do get to the point of complete abstinance and give it a good amount of time, you just might be suprized at how good you can feel again.

To be honest with you I'm saying this to you but I'm saying it to myself too. I had 4 years of complete abstinence and although it took a long slow while I was feeling pretty good again. I had some good friends and together we had some good times without mind altering substances. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know and that you haven't already experienced yourself, but after reading your posts lately I think my 2 cents is to give it (abstinence) a try.

Now, if only I can take my own advice too. I went 10 days last week and maybe if I'd have reached out to the right people then I could still be on the clean path. Maybe by now I'd be enjoying a little.

I don't know... whatever you decide to do I'd like to hear from you. You're an inspiration to A lot of us here whether you're on methadone, tar or nothing at all. I'm hoping you stick around here or at least pop in every so often if you can. And don't forget you're not alone. There are millions of us and we need each other.

The absolute best of luck sir,

Matt

[I-Nod]

As always, I'm pullin' for you Duck! Wish you all the best, man.

And if you do hit the road and find yourself in Ohio... I got a warm bed and hot meals 3x a day here, if ya ever need it. :)


I've secretly dubbed you "St. Stephen" in my minds eye. You've always been a humongous help. Good Luck!!

" Did he doubt or did he try? Answers aplenty in the bye and bye,
Talk about your plenty, talk about your ills,
One man gathers what another man spills.

Saint Stephen will remain, all he's lost he shall regain,
Seashore washed by the suds and foam,
Been here so long, he's got to calling it home." :D

[zenpunk]

I have 60 days of complete abstinence today. I went to hell to get here. My life is uncertain, today I'm meeting the people who are buying my house and I don't even know where I'll end up living. But I'm not afraid and I'm enjoying life more now. I have new friends and I'm doing new things that I used to sit around on the nod and talk about doing. Its not the great high that I had when I first met Heroin, but, for me I couldn't use Heroin without taking it on a downward spiral and, in the end, I was never so unhappy because I couldn't last 3 hours without the cramps in the legs starting. Hang in there, I'll be thinking about you.

[WarmCyanide]

good luck, df. go soak in some saltwater or take a walk to clear thy head.

[SpecialGuy69]

Hi DF
Your post made me a little sad. I'm use to seeing you confident and sure of the answer to most things. I dont have a whole lot of advice for you but I did want to say this to shall pass. You know I go through this cycle in my head where I'm SO Damm down about my addiction and how it controls all aspects of my life. It sounds like that's what you are going through.

It sux that we have forfeited our freedom for dope. It's not really even the dope that is the problem it's the fact that it's the way we have to go about getting the dope. Once the chase is on it's all or nothing. I often wish I mean beg and wish more that I could be as obsessed with ANYTHING besides getting my shit, and so far nothing has been able to answer that wish. I think that once we are at the point here it's next to impossible to stop but to maintain it's doable while it's not as enjoying as getting wacked at least we can function.

Now the problem is our lives are so short and we probably spend a HUGE portion chasing.

it sucks when you think of the time, never mind the cash we blow on our needs. Like I said above I dont have any good advice I'm in the same boat but if we could figure this shit out we wouldn't be typing this post.

I just wanted to send you luv and well wishes in you bummed day and hope that tomorrow you can wake up wish some happy ducky thoughts, wishes, hopes and dreams!! Any Then...... TRY AGAIN
Wow theres some seriously sad shit goin on lately. Maybe its the season, maybe its seeing the hope that Dr. Paul represented get squashed before it had a chance to get rolling, maybe its just always been there and I didn't notice. Anyways- What you and EE posted got me thinking- the time, energy, determination, and effort that we put into our habits is second to none. If that energy could be transferred to something productive, the rewards would be limitless. For a young(er) guy like me, I'm starting to think that means going back to school.

DF- the good thing is you have been here 100 times before, so you aren't afraid of the unknown. You are a compassionate, wise, and intelligent guy. Fuck man you faced machine guns shooting to kill you in Vietnam. I really admire you, and I really hope that you can get to a place in your life where you dont have to spend all your time and energy maintaining your habit. I'm sure that very soon, you will figure out how to make that happen for you.

For me, the turning point in my drug career came when I found a doc that prescribes me enough methadone to keep me pain and sick free for the whole month, and even a small handful of roxi 30's. There's nothing like not having to worry day-to-day about how you are going to stay well, not having to go to the clinic, not having to worry about pissing dirty, and not having to worry about spending all my finances on dope. The freedom that comes from it is a wonderful thing!

I wish everybody on the phile could find a doc like I did. But I'm sure something will come through for you, DF, cause your a bad mother fucker and you deserve it. And besides, you got a lot of resourceful, smart, caring people who would do anything in their power to help you.

Good luck bro. I guess the hard part now is figuring out WHAT to do. It seems like whenever I have a soul-searching decision like the one your facing, I always know what the right answer is, deep down, from the get-go. I'm sure you know what I mean.

[Duckfeet]

Thanks, y'all: woke up, to a lot of friendly posts, and feel much better. World's what it is, and I picked the road I'm on, so no sweat....I'm cool today, and o.k. tomorrow, and after that, who knows...so I'm off to Moms...best wishes...

[kyuss]

Thanks, y'all: woke up, to a lot of friendly posts, and feel much better. World's what it is, and I picked the road I'm on, so no sweat....I'm cool today, and o.k. tomorrow, and after that, who knows...so I'm off to Moms...best wishes...

A good meal
cooked by mom
always helps a man think.
Hang in there duck.

[Cherry's Jubilee]

Wow theres some seriously sad shit goin on lately. Maybe its the season, maybe its seeing the hope that Dr. Paul represented get squashed before it had a chance to get rolling, maybe its just always been there and I didn't notice. Anyways- What you and EE posted got me thinking- the time, energy, determination, and effort that we put into our habits is second to none. If that energy could be transferred to something productive, the rewards would be limitless. For a young(er) guy like me, I'm starting to think that means going back to school.

DF- the good thing is you have been here 100 times before, so you aren't afraid of the unknown. You are a compassionate, wise, and intelligent guy. Fuck man you faced machine guns shooting to kill you in Vietnam. I really admire you, and I really hope that you can get to a place in your life where you dont have to spend all your time and energy maintaining your habit. I'm sure that very soon, you will figure out how to make that happen for you.

For me, the turning point in my drug career came when I found a doc that prescribes me enough methadone to keep me pain and sick free for the whole month, and even a small handful of roxi 30's. There's nothing like not having to worry day-to-day about how you are going to stay well, not having to go to the clinic, not having to worry about pissing dirty, and not having to worry about spending all my finances on dope. The freedom that comes from it is a wonderful thing!

I wish everybody on the phile could find a doc like I did. But I'm sure something will come through for you, DF, cause your a bad mother fucker and you deserve it. And besides, you got a lot of resourceful, smart, caring people who would do anything in their power to help you.

Good luck bro. I guess the hard part now is figuring out WHAT to do. It seems like whenever I have a soul-searching decision like the one your facing, I always know what the right answer is, deep down, from the get-go. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Baby's all growed up. You're so sweet AO. You should go back to school. After reading some of your posts, I think you should get your degree(s) and then go work for NASA.

Good luck Duckfeet. I'm surrounding you with white lights. (My mom used to tell me that when things were bad for me. She's kind of a hippie but she thought visualizing white lights around me would help keep me safe. Maybe it has.)

[reddragon3668]

I've noticed, DF, that you've been quiet of late. Just figured you needed a break after all the hard work you put in as an admin. Your a respected member here, and very appreciated for all you've done for Opiophile.

I know you made it clear that you weren't asking for help; your old enough and been in this game long enough that there really isn't anything that you haven't heard already, probably many times over. I think your inclination to head east is your best bet, and the sooner the better. I've heard you mention many times the three stikes law in Cali, and if your playing the cop game again, its only a matter of time before your number gets rung. Its just a part of the game, but with your situation, anywhere where your not facing that has got to be better, ya know?

I wish you the best, man. I really hope that you can find a solution. Papa made a great point, and that is that your not alone. It feels that way sometimes, but your in good company, and there are many of us that are in the same boat. Take care of yourself and do keep checking in. There's allot of us here that enjoy your post and board involvement and would really miss you if you dropped out of sight. Peace!

[GoddessofRATs]

Hey Duckie. Sorry your going though this but i know that you don't want pitty or sympathy. We all know this road, weather it's pill or H, 'Done or pods. If i ever quit opiates I'm sure eventually I'd wind up using again. I am a lifer and as i said before i accepted that a long time ago. But, i know it's different when you have to go out in the world and cop rather than head to the local Pharmacy or wait for a package from USPS, i know it's a dangerous world out there and i know you'd be safer just being content on 'Done but that being said, there is no warmth in that, no glow... it's always in the back of your head, your DOC calling you.

I'm a chronic pain sufferer even though *some* people don't believe it so i have two burdens. And i know you have chronic pain as well so that even puts more of an edge on you.

No matter what you do or decide Duckie, i will love you! Even if you disappear and head down that road to Texas, you will always be in my heart. Please let me give you my phone number ok... so if you do disappear you can always call a friendly voice.

Love ya my Uncle Duckie!!!!

GOR

[Mallinckrodt]

This is a hard spot for anybody to be in, and someone like you, who has put in his time and paid his dues, just shouldn't have to be fighting like this anymore. This country is barbaric! Why should you have to risk your ass coping street tar that is terrible on the body? It's just not fair, heroin maintenance should be an option and a right. . .especially for someone who has served this country fighting for all of us. . .Just sad.

That being said, what Papa and a few others have mentioned got me to thinking again about one of the best aspects of this life. . .the feeling that you are never in it alone.

We are all in this together no matter what, and by shunning us and looking at us as diseased burdens on this society, the hegemony only makes our bond stronger. I would like to think that eventually there will be enough of us out here to change things, but sometimes it's discouraging.

Hang in there DF. Again, as you know, you are never alone.

[ein0606]

We are all in this together no matter what, and by shunning us and looking at us as diseased burdens on this society, the hegemony only makes our bond stronger. I would like to think that eventually there will be enough of us out here to change things, but sometimes it's discouraging.

Hang in there DF. Again, as you know, you are never alone.

amen

[nick]

This life gets old huh bro.

I've no advice,but much luck.

[kil092286]

Like someone said life is short and ya we spend alot of time waiting but I know and maybe this is just me is that without dope I spend more time waiting trying to figure out something I can do that will make me happy while I'm sober... and let me tell you its alot longer wait and in the end I always know I will go back, and I do. What I suggest is because our lives are so short that you take advantage of that and live to live not live to die. Move over to the east coast, do some traveling, come over here to the D or go to philly all the old timers around here say philly has the best boy. Oh or maybe Baltimore, my gfs dad lives over there and they got some good food for the dog. I guess what I'm trying to say is enjoy life man, your a cool guy and I have alot of respect for you. I know I'm only 21 and your probably like what does he know about shit but I listen more than I talk and I believe that knowledge and respect are the 2 most important things a man has. I hang with the oldtimers and I know how they feel. Whatever you decide to do keep those pipe dreams in your heart because dreams are important, without them you just waste away. Peace - Kil

[GoddessofRATs]

Yea, sometimes when I'm sober it's like I'm just sitting around waiting for something to happen and the waiting seems like forever. But, what am i waiting for? I don't know?? Death???

When I'm high i keep myself occupied and time goes at warp speed. I'm amazed at how fast my pm appointments come around. A long time ago When i was scripted vics, I'd make them last 6 days and than I'd have to wait the rest of the month for a refill and that wait took forever. 1 day was like 3 days.

But now, i am able to keep myself comfortable through out the month with pods and I'm actualyl making Roxi's last longer this month, i am shocked!! they usually last me 7 days and i still have a bunch of them and it's been 9 days since my apt. I don't know whats happened to me, maybe it's the fent.

But anyway yea, when sober it feels like i am just waiting for something and i get so bored when I'm sober, the boredom is so bad it brings on depression. Boredom makes you sleep more and that isn't good for you. With Opiates i can perform my tasks, work on hobbies, clean, be creative. Why would i want to stop opiates when they make me able to do so much.

GOR

[Duckfeet]

I just laughed: read my first post, and especially where I put: "This is not a cry for help, but..." and then proceeded to cry for help anyway. It reminded me of when I was a mod, and people would post: "This is *not* solicitation" and then would go on and solicit away....

Anyway, I'm doing al right. I think last time I went thru some shit I just took off, and this time I'm trying to say connected on here, anyway, since there's nobody else I know to talk to "in real life," and last time I got off methadone, I disappeared for a month or so, and when I kick I feel such heavy loneliness and nostalgia: it's not all read, it is part just withdrawal symptoms, but it's an almost suicidal depression, that kicks in, and I always slip when it gets here, so I'm going to to try to post, even if I'm an idiot at times...Well, that won't suprise people anyway, as I've been willing to post when I was out of my gourd a few times before, nothing new...

THE WIRE is on the boob tube tonigh, at 6 p.m. West Coast USA time, so that's good, and I got some stew from Mom's, and some methadone I had scrounged when I had tar left, and saved a couple, so I'll be alright....I'm trying to muster up the juice just to head over to AZ for a few days, or maybe up to L.A., I want to look around down by Main and 6th or 7th St, which used to be where Midnight Mission and Skid Row was but I hear it's getting gentrified, and might not have apt/SOR hotels too much anymore..

I probably need to move somwhere aways for a bit, if I'll have any luck at all, as that's the only way I've had luck in the past, but who knows... I was reading today in L.A. times about tent city that is now permitteed up by Ontario Aport (E L.A., right by Fontana/Ontario) and it sounded *good*...fuck, what kind of mental state I got to live in, where I think being in a homeless camp up in L.A. is better than a cottage on the beach in SD...I'm starting to think that the truth is finally becoming apparent: I'm not too tightly wrapped!!

Ah, well...all the above was just a long-winded preamble to me wanting to say *Thankyou*, to all my friends on here, who whether it's obvious or not, are helping me get thru a real bluesy time in my long-ass life...I haven't a *clue*, and I always thought age brought some wisdom, too...nah, just brings 'age', that's all...

[eerased]

HEy buddy as long as you dont feel alone our collective mission is accomplished..
AO, what you said. It made sense. Some of us have waisted a life time in this lime light! some of us our just getting started, but wherever we are in our life we do have each other to understand!
I can promise you this no "regular" ppl will get us. We are the only ones that will get us!

While it's sometimes sad it doesnt always have to be. No matter who "HERE" or "WHAT" ppl here try to make you think we all have a spot in our soul that is missing or unsure. We seem to have a lost track, like we where on our way somewhere sometime ago and we got hung up here. What we have to get is here is where we are now and while sometimes it looks glim and impossible to rise outta whatever the mess of the day may be we always seem to pull though..

The thing about opiophile is we can pull through together. While we've probably spent the most part of our addictions alone in our "real world" thoughts now we have a community that we can share them with and the good news is, most serious opys will understand and know where we are coming from and be there for us! So therefore here we are not alone!

DF, I'm so happy to hear today is a better day

[dpop12]

DF, as a lurker, i've come to look forward *in a non-stalkery way* to seeing new posts of yours (and I always enjoy kyuss' replies). Now it looks like you're going through some rougher times. I've not had bad times yet, at least not on the order of most peoples' on here, but I'll still add my two cents.

Stay here, make it a point to keep in touch with all of those opiophiles whose posts you possibly look forward to reading every time you log in. And heck, i'm sure people here care bout you, so worst case scenario, its a nice morale booster, hearing all those "i hope you feel better"s. Basically, my point is this: people are often good treatment for rough times.

[slugbone]

good luck duckfeet.

you are like the wise old shaman from the ancient times that Jim Morrison always talked about.

[robojunkie]

Bro, all I can say is that this is the life, the ups and downs, the fucking ostracism, and most of all, the chronic indecision. Methadone? No, sucks. Dope? No can't afford a real habit. Clean clean? No, can't stand the ennui of unstimulated neurons. But whenever we're on one of those three, it somehow seems to be the worst, except maybe in the beginning (at least the second one!), until we get to one of the other "states" of being. I guess its just a case of the grass is always greener.

I hope I didn't contribute to bummin' you out with that derailed and rambling pm I sent ya last night, I can see how it could, but it was meant more as a like "supportive" post in that I was tryin' to say that you're aware of all this stuff, and that gives you a better shot at what you want than 95% of people, junkies or not. If you do decide to kick and try to stay kicked though, get out those "duckfeet" and maybe some waterproof Bukowski, and get out and do that shit that you once loved/enjoyed that wasn't dependent on opiates. And, I apologize to all for the hypocrisy, since I can't really remember loving/enjoying any hobby/activity/sport/whatever past collecting action figures and baseball cards when I was 10 or 11. I got into BMX/freestyle, but I'm way too old and a head injury too late to pick that shit up again.

I don't know duck, maybe you should move out east, go to grad school and become a lit professor, that's the one job where it's cool and respected (I say that with some sarcasm, but editorially as it really is true) to be the pseudo-tragic troubled wordsmith. I know you can write as interesting and dramatic tale as any of these profs up here, as I have seen some of the arts and humanities pubs, as they leave 'em out and around here. I don't know, half the time I don't know what I'm talking about.

Good luck with the kick though, I hope it works out.

[kyuss]

How you doing
today Duck?
You still doing
those daily swims?

[RxQueen]

hey duck... i got no advice for ya, but it seems that wiser heads than mine have already covered that anyway. i just wanted to throw in my best wishes, and let ya know that i wish i could be there to give you a big hug and rub your temples on the next rough day.

hope today's a decent one...

[Saint]

I'm going down to 20 mgs this week. Feel tired and depressed: the taper is scratching its ugly claws on my head again. So I was wondering how you're doing now, Duckfeet. I noticed it's been a while since you posted. I hope you managed to do your thing and are heading eastwards...

[Ludakris]

I too just want to throw some support Duck's way...AO's got it right though, there just must be something wrong, maybe the season, perhaps the stars are all kinds out of alignment. It seems as though everyone I know (including myself) is just in the dumps lately and nothing seems to be going right for people.

God knows we all have our shares of feeling shitty, and wondering what the fuck is going on with life. I was hoping to start this new year fresh, ready to tackle these obstacles, but alas, I failed and just turn to more and more "chemical enhancement". I have this vision that here soon I'll be getting some necessary surgery and hoping that will take away my "need" for the painkillers, but the more I use, the more I want them to kill "non-physical" pain...but I digress.

Sometimes, change can be the thing we need to get the Monkey off our back. From my short time on this earth, I've realized that change can be a great thing. Moving away, trying to adapt to a new life, but if you simply running from problems, then the problems will follow. Not that I'm in any way insinuating that's what you are doing, I just feel I've done that way too much. Things get too hard to handle and I bail, move away, just to be getting into the same shit I'd been getting into before.

Point is I guess, I feel I've been to the depths of hell and back. From a homeless addict, to a big time dealer, to a clean and productive member of society, and somewhere in between. But I try to remember that everyday above ground, is indeed a good day.

One thing I am very greatful for, is this board. Opiophile has helped me a lot, if it's just simply distracting myself for a couple hours, or looking for support and advice. And in my short time here, I know that you, Mr. Feet, will always have friends and support here.