I Just "relapsed" For The Umpteenth" Time!!

[sidman]

Well everyone, I "fell off the wagon!"!! a-frickin'-gain!! The heroin I got is really,really gooooood,too!! Especially since it's been two week's since I have gotten high,you know? So I will be gettin' floored from the dope for a little while until the tolerance goes up (rather quickly,like it alway's does)
But seriously, I can't help but to wonder how many times I am going to keep doing this to myself!! I mean shit!! I just kicked and went through literal HELL and all the torture that comes with it JUST to RELAPSE again and now what? Start the whole miserable process again? Don't I,or will I, ever Learn? I love to get high man....but I hate the sickness that comes with it and I hate the mental depression/opression that comes with the crash of the eventual w/d's!! I cant believe I just threw away the whole experience of detoxing (again) just to relapse(again!) .Does my brain have no memory? no mental retention abilities or whaaaaatttt!! Or, do I seriously HATE myself(I could, I think!!)
Lord? why oh whyyyy can't I get high without consequence? huh? It all seems like a sick joke that has been played on me!! I just can't seem to entirely STOP doing opiates!! I swear that I wish that,on that memorable first day I was introduced to "smack",that I said ,"NO FRICKIN' WAY!!" instead of being like," Really? what's it like?" and then snortin' my first line of dope! I know I can't go back in time,but i can't help to wonder how my life would have been if I had never tried dope thirteen years ago. I know people my age who are so happy now,and I'm still the same!! Stuck in a Heroin rutt,and when I see where they are as opposed to where I am,I can't help to think that it is all my own fault and that I am just SCUM!!
When i first tried Heroin,I was at the time a moderately happy person,with a pretty girlfreind,a car,an apartment,real freinds,a job,money.....basically an average guy who smoked pot,drank and tripped now and then. Along came Heroin to strip everything away from me and leave me a shell of what used to be!! I watched as it all faded away and yet,I couldn't seem to stop using!! I remember How hopeless and helpless(even suicidal!) I felt(and feel now,but not suicidal right now) but yet I couldnt find the power to stop and try to piece everything back together.
so now, thirteen year's later(almost fourteen now) I am still doing dope!!
I want to have a life and live it!!
I am a great worker,make good money,have alot of artistic talents and I'm what people say,"an all around nice guy", but what would people say and feel about me if they found out that I am struggling with this demonic,possessive monkey on my back,who just won't take it's claw's outta me and LET GO OF ME!!
every time I go back to shooting dope it just gets harder to stop.
It get's harder to tell myself that I CAN stop and that I CAN become,or live up to,my full potential!
Meeting's do help me,maybe I should go back and "tell on myself" I know now I can't do it alone....I really can't but yet I always seem to try and do it my way,all alone!!
I suppose I could nip this in the bud and stop right now!! before I get a full blown habit again(which happens quickly!!) and I should get out there and yell for help! Everytime I do a bag after a week or two of not getting high, I get wasted!!
Then the next day, I don't have any sickness(because I'm not "hooked" yet,after only one day of gettin' high) but I am mentally irritable, and all I can think about is another bag o' dope,because I know I'll get high with my low tolerance. Then I tell myself that it's okay,just one more day and I'll definately stop tommorrow!! BEFORE I get sick!!
But do I? no. I swear to you guy's that I get high even when I don't really WANT too!! I swear it seem's like I am possessed by the devil himself because,once I have money in my hand,I automatically,habitually,open up my cell phone and make the dope call!! Even though I know I shouldn't be doing this!! Money is my biggest trigger and when I have it,it feels like my mind clouds over and my body takes over and does what it usually does....buy's dope!! Then, right after I shoot the bag,THEN I will have a moment of clarity and realize what I have just done. Then the dope kicks in,I sigh from the rush,and I say to myself," It's okay,you'll be alright....just for today,tomorrow we wont do this,okay?"
man.....the insanity of it all!! I know several(if not all)of you can relate and I could surely use some downright honest feedback from you........

[exitwound]

Well, aren't you going to share with the class?! ;-)

http://www.heroinaddiction.com/heroin.jpg

http://cycletheory.tripod.com/images/heroin.jpg

[psilocybin]

at least your high:D

[Darthvarga]

at least your high:D

Let me guess: Drug counseler?

Too funny!

[ZodiacKiller]

Hey, sidman, yer not alone, man, so at least take solace in that fact. I have the exact same struggle and ask myself the exact same questions you have just asked. I slipped this week after a solid week off, and I just called my guy and am about to slip again! And I feel guilty as fuck and hate myself for it, but that didn't seem to stop me from making the call...

I wish I had answers for you---if anyone has any, I'm sure interested as well..


ZK

[Zoop]

We can ALL relate. I know what you're talking about - the temptation to get high when you got no tolerance, and you don't get sick from it when it wears off. That's enough to make you want to keep going back - - UNTIL you DO end up with a habit again, and you DO get sick when it wears off. Then, it's not your choice anymore, because you have to use to keep from getting sick. It's a disgusting process, but we all do it to ourselves time and time again.

I don't have any answers either. One thing you said that I know is quite true is that a person can't get drug-free by himself. It's impossible to confront that problem all on your own, with nobody to talk to about it, nobody to be there when you feel like using - even if it's to PHYSICALLY HOLD YOU DOWN and keep you from going out the door to see the dope man.

Get on maintenance, maybe? 'done or subs. I got on bupe and it's been the best thing to ever happen to me, as far as drug use is concerned.

[pogoxtilxuxpuke]

hey man, the exact same thing your saying was coming out of my mouth for 4 fucking years, and now i have a year clean, fuck, if you want to talk to me i am here

[ZodiacKiller]

Well, I went and relapsed myself tonight, and since it's the title of this thread, I figure I'll just add to it. And this is after a whole week back on Sub with all kinds of wonderful intentions: getting clean for a while, saving some money, etc. Boy, was I on the fast-track to sobriety! NOT!

I dunno, for me it's kinda like an out-of-body experience. I'm fingering the hundred dollar bills in my pocket, knowing full well what bills are overdue. I'm watching my hand whip out my cell phone, I can hear myself setting up the deal, while all the while the little angel Zodiac (you know, the one that sits on my shoulder, arguing with the little devil Zodiac on the other shoulder) is saying "what are you doing? what about getting clean for a while, and getting your tolerance down?". Of course, the little devil Zodiac is going "shut the fuck up!"

And when I call Mrs K at work to tell her what's gonna be waiting for her when she gets home, she's absolutely fucking delighted. And y'know what? It was gooood; I'm still high, and gotta work in a few hours. I am an idiot fucking junky.


ZK

[dorje]

You got our number and said it well besides, We just want to be able to get high and not pay the price but C;est dommage Biology isn;t like that. When you do dope you are borrowing biologicf time with a big interest. Your eyes normally water :take dope they water less, you sneeze, take dope you sneeze less, your bowels move, take dope they move less or not at all. Dope is a CNS depressant. Run out of dope you get CNS rebound hyperexitibility- sneeze all the time, diarrhea, stomach cramps, eyes water, etc And the interest is your emotional states. Good luck you 'll make it when trhe time is right. Talk to us when you need to but nobody ever breaks biologic law

[orangejuice]

i am in a kind of a hurry right now so i cant post what i want to about my addiction and what i feel about it, though, most are in the same boat as you, buried alive, wrapped in chains, and stareing the reaper, our family, and the law, in their face and laughing our ass off, because we LOVE how this shit feels, even though it fuckin KKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSS us in pain. fuck shit damn ass bitch fuck fuck i dunno, if anyone wants to hear more about my mixed feelings pm me otherwise ima be back to this thread, but we feel ya man.... It fucking sucks!!!!!!! but it sucks soooooooooo damn good! wierd huh, well think about it... im out, good luck dude hit me up if u needa

[Coddfish]

Well, I went and relapsed myself tonight, and since it's the title of this thread, I figure I'll just add to it. And this is after a whole week back on Sub with all kinds of wonderful intentions: getting clean for a while, saving some money, etc. Boy, was I on the fast-track to sobriety! NOT!

I dunno, for me it's kinda like an out-of-body experience. I'm fingering the hundred dollar bills in my pocket, knowing full well what bills are overdue. I'm watching my hand whip out my cell phone, I can hear myself setting up the deal, while all the while the little angel Zodiac (you know, the one that sits on my shoulder, arguing with the little devil Zodiac on the other shoulder) is saying "what are you doing? what about getting clean for a while, and getting your tolerance down?". Of course, the little devil Zodiac is going "shut the fuck up!"


ZKThis reminded me of my 'terminator coddfish' side, the junky on a mission. Once I get to that point, there is no stopping him, no reasoning him out of his path. He could be crying on the way to the dealer because he feels bad, so guilty. But no way is he stopping. It could (and did) take hours wondering in a foriegn country, or in neighborhoods he should have NEVER been in, but by god he is gonna score and slam. It could be after 2 years of 'clean,' doesn't matter.

I can actually tell when I get to that point, I think to myself 'I am gonna be high in 2 hours, and nobody can stop me, not even me.' (5-oh, maybe, but I don't think about that.)

[shaunclo]

Fuck'in A, what else can I add, I did exactly what ZK did, I got back on my subs and a week later I found myself cruising thru the neighborhood that likes to trade cash for tar. The whole way down there I was just like, "you arent actually going to do this again, are you?" knowing the whole time that HELL YES I WAS!!!!

But no worries, I will just do a 2 day run where i can easily switch back to my subs without going thru hell, hell whats 3 days, fuck it, I can do 4 days - I think that was a week and a 1/2 ago, but whos counting anyways??