How often do you think of QUITTING opiates? [Archive]

Papa Verine

12-01-2007, 01:21 PM

If I could've chosen several times a day I would have. But for me thinking about it and actually quitting are worlds apart. I think about a lot of things but my neurotic ass isn't "doing" a fuckin thing, in reality.

And even as much as I think about quitting opiates, the thought of life without them is just as bad. I'm (we're) stuck between a diamond and a feldspar, and as far as I'm concerned if I keep surviving I'm doing OK no matter what I decide to do. At least I aint dead yet...

Tea Time

12-01-2007, 01:35 PM

I've always been a recreational user and have been clean for almost a year now. I still think about opiates every single day. The past week I've had 2 vivid dreams about snorting, crushing and eating oxy's.

Yup! This fits for me too. Even though I haven't been using recreationally in about 18 months, I still think about quitting/using opiates every single day. I have had a few relapses in there, but after a day or two I stopped again and picked up right where I left off as far as being clean.

Also Hiram, those drug dreams are terrible aren't they? When I was using, I can pretty much say with complete confidence that I never had a single dream in which I used drugs. And I really do mean never - no exaggeration. But after I had gotten clean, I have had drug dreams pretty much non-stop. I don't know how often exactly but it is very frequent. And you are right: The dreams are SO VIVID and they capture every single detail for me. For example, when I have one of these "user dreams," I can really remember smells, tastes, feelings, etc. Every aspect about the dream is so vivid. It's crazy shit. I'll tell you this though - When you are trying very hard to stay clean, it doesn't help at all when you are dreaming about getting fucked up almost every night in your dreams...

If I could've chosen several times a day I would have. But for me thinking about it and actually quitting are worlds apart. I think about a lot of things but my neurotic ass isn't "doing" a fuckin thing, in reality.

And even as much as I think about quitting opiates, the thought of life without them is just as bad. I'm (we're) stuck between a diamond and a feldspar, and as far as I'm concerned if I keep surviving I'm doing OK no matter what I decide to do. At least I aint dead yet...

This post is pretty much exactly what I was going to write. You summed it up exactly.

bronyraur

12-01-2007, 01:41 PM

I'm in it for good at this point. Even if I didn't have chronic pain issues I'd still use opiates.

I love how they make me feel.

SCHTIC

12-01-2007, 01:51 PM

well i guess i quit i been on this dang subutex about long enuff to have a baby and quitting isn't what i think about starting back is what bugs my thought's every day!!!!;) actually i was thinking about it when i read the poll so ima take that as a sign and get down. get down on it!

Hiram

12-01-2007, 01:54 PM

Also Hiram, those drug dreams are terrible aren't they? When I was using, I can pretty much say with complete confidence that I never had a single dream in which I used drugs. And I really do mean never - no exaggeration. But after I had gotten clean, I have had drug dreams pretty much non-stop. I don't know how often exactly but it is very frequent. And you are right: The dreams are SO VIVID and they capture every single detail for me. For example, when I have one of these "user dreams," I can really remember smells, tastes, feelings, etc. Every aspect about the dream is so vivid. It's crazy shit. I'll tell you this though - When you are trying very hard to stay clean, it doesn't help at all when you are dreaming about getting fucked up almost every night in your dreams...

Talk about craving after those fucking dreams. I crave the ritual and the drug. I never dreamed about doing cocaine after I finished a good run. I tend to turn into a raging alcoholic without opiates, which sux in its own way. I really don't like alcohol all that much, just my natural cycle. Don't know which is worse, but I do know what I like.

SHELLEY

12-01-2007, 02:19 PM

this needs a sister poll
for those who have already quit
how often do you think of re-starting opiates?

hah

I'm-Nod-Addicted

12-01-2007, 04:14 PM

I think about it 437 times a day.

I've been H free for a while now....and I'd love to eventually be O-free. Budthataintgonhappen!

I crave the ritual and the drug.

I find myself going to my stash just out of pure habit.....I don't even realize it until I'm standing there for absolutely no reason.

Nostromos

12-01-2007, 04:17 PM

"clean" since august, though i'd only take a couple pills of whatever i could scrape up once every other week or so. exercise helps a lot, working out was my opium back in my high school days. you're so tired you don't have the energy to give a shit about whatever your stupid brain wants to worry about, like a smoke detector going off-- the anxiety and depression is just hard-wired to happen.

there's the endorphins, of course. you feel better, less self-conscious, and you like what you see in the mirror a little better, which may give you more confidence. good shit. a dork with muscles, that was me.:D

Tea Time

12-01-2007, 04:24 PM

this needs a sister poll
for those who have already quit
how often do you think of re-starting opiates?

hah

Shelly's right. I guess I'm not thinking about quitting opiates all the time right now...technically I'm constantly thinking about starting to use opiates again, rationalizing, etc.

It's crazy - 15 years ago, I saw my Uncle battling a terrible IV Speed/Heroin habit and he was struggling big time. Since then, he has passed away. But during that time, I knew how bad he was struggling and the mental and physical torture that he was going through. But I remember him telling me that even after he got clean, he literally thought about getting high all day long. He said every single moment of every single day was somehow connected to wanting to get high. I thought that he was exaggerating.

But now unfortunately I realize that he wasn't really exaggerating all that much. Opiate addiction (actually drug addiction in general) just becomes this all-consuming monster. Not only are you constantly thinking about wanting to get high, but you actually spend all of your time seeking out drugs, trying to come up with the money to buy drugs, etc.

Being an opiate addict is a full-time job. Unfortunately, there is no pay, no benefits, it takes up almost every minute of your day, it can fuck you life up pretty badly, and you can never retire.

I'm-Nod-Addicted

12-01-2007, 04:26 PM

Being an opiate addict is a full-time job. Unfortunately, there is no pay, no benefits, it takes up almost every minute of your day, it can fuck you life up pretty badly, and you can never retire.

Ouch, dude!

...a sad reality...

allyouneedislove

12-01-2007, 04:35 PM

Talk about craving after those fucking dreams.

no shit. usually takes me several hours into the day to realize that it wasn't real too......sort of wierd and hard to explain, but to have been holding a bunch of pills and powder in your dream and then during that next day realizing you don't and never did really have those drugs, is just fucking astonishing haha...like.....a mirage in a desert or something. :confused:

irish

12-01-2007, 05:12 PM

I just woke-up from one of those dreams. Now I'm going to go and make it reality.

Cole Younger

12-01-2007, 05:36 PM

this needs a sister poll
for those who have already quit
how often do you think of re-starting opiates?

hah

This is more like it for me too....and the answer is everyday:D

pizzaboy

12-01-2007, 06:12 PM

I think about it every time we run out of money, or get ripped off, or spend all day waiting for something that never happens. That's roughly about once or twice a week.

I love the way they make me feel, the way they allow me to be productive, the way they allow me (half-assedly at least) fit into society. Without, I ain't going outside, at least at this point in my life.

I really don't want to quit, ever. Neither does wifey...she says they bring balance to her life where none existed before without alcohol. Hell, they sobered her little ass up, that's a positive thing, right?

I'm in it for the long haul.

Pizza

limitless_euphoria

12-01-2007, 06:52 PM

this needs a sister poll
for those who have already quit
how often do you think of re-starting opiates?

hah

Go for it!

rachamim18

12-01-2007, 07:45 PM

I am riding it out until the wheels fall off. I used to tell myself that I would quit by 20, then by 21, then 25. At 30 I stopped planning it. At 35 I knew I was down for life.

Studies show that a person who starts using prior to 24, and has prolonged use, they will never again experience a normal reward response. Blues will never be as blue, greens as green,etc. So, part of it is the unwillingness to live a dull grey life. another part of it, I have been to many places and at this point I am willing proof of what I long thought...It IS possible to live a prodcutive and meaningful life as an addict.

I hop there never coes a time that I am forced to give them up, although I am afraid there will always be times in which I need to take a few days long breather to drop that tolerance, as I am now trying to do (down from 3000 mgs. a day morphine to 4 hundred and change and hope to be to 0 in time to feel it again for Western New Year's Eve).

Nate

12-01-2007, 07:58 PM

Sadly, everyday :confused:

StrungOutAgain

12-01-2007, 08:46 PM

I have CP but I think about quitting every single day. Even as I'm taking the pills. Whats the cost of being pain free? Its not worth it, I need to desperately get my life back on track and get back to school. The withdraws are worse than the pain itself. I'm seriously gonna try tapering down by Christmas. It'll be the gift I give to myself and everyone around me.

Duckfeet

12-01-2007, 08:50 PM

When I was younger, I was full of dreams, and I'd always want off of it: You wouldn't believe all the times I've flushed drugs down the toilet from drugstore burglaries, and thrown heroin out the window, or into the shit tank in Vietnam...*hate* dope!!!

Until I don't have any, then I want it more than anything in the world...and now, I don't have all those dreams no more, to kid myself with....so it's even harder to quit now...but it's also gotten tougher, and more frightening to obtain...I don't want to die in prison, either...

mikells43

12-01-2007, 11:03 PM

im clean, 15 months on nov 22nd, the obsession has been taken away. i do lots of stuff and other things to change my life and thinking, along with behaviors, friends, places i go, and everything else that is considered addictive behaviors. i tried the cp route but just to realize that i cannot keep a narcotic contract, the pills go way too fast, and not cause i have pain, cause i loved the way the pills made me fee, it was just anouther justifacation to feed my disease and keep me going for a bit longer. ive hit my bottom in recovery as well as at the end of my using/drinking carreer. all u gotta do is want to get clean and have the willingness, that will get u far, thinking u have got it beat and ur not going to relapse will set u up for the worst pain of ur life. ive been there done that and life is too great today to even think of picking up anything that will get me high and or unleash my disease out of his cage: addiction is chronic in nature, progressive, incureable but arrestable, and terminal if one dont get help. people die of this shit everyday and i just dont want to be anouther stat to chalk up on the partnership for a drug free americal commerical. at least today i wolnt be that, who knows about the next 24, ill let u kno tho.

by the way i got where im at today with the help of bupe, its a miricle, but u can't just rely on a med to keep u clean, u have to change u. but u can get clean, it is doable. take any advice u can get, any advantage u have over the beast is better. until again.

motts

12-01-2007, 11:31 PM

Hello All,

I am 21 years old, started shooting dope at age 18. I have been using heroin IV off and on as you can see. Anyways, I don't really think about "quitting" heroin per say. There are times when I go months/weeks without craving or using the drug, then there are other times when I am in a large binge or withdrawing after weeks/months of use and ask myself why I have to be the one that uses heroin, lose all the my money, feel like shit, have the blues etc.. But once I am all better it's like bring on the dope!

But in all honesty the thing I think about the most is, why did God intend for me to be the human that IV's heroin. Why am I the one that walks around the streets with this addiction. So I don't really think about quitting because I can control my use to a certain extent, but I do often wonder why I am the one that shoots dope. I figure that for the rest of my life it is going to be a battle in the sense I will always be shooting dope until I die...........that's strange.

kyuss

12-02-2007, 12:40 AM

I THINK ABOUT IT EVERYDAY I HATE JUNKYLIFE BUT LOVE THE DRUGS! I USED TO BE DIMEBAGABOY KRISTEN PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE DREAD NEEDS YOUR NUMBER

HOW'S THAT MAGAZINE
COMING ALONG?
(HI KRISTEN)

I'm always quitting
and always starting again

LorTabitha

12-02-2007, 12:43 AM

Because I am a CP patient, I don't see myself realistically ever completely quitting, but I do wish I could limit usage to "as prescribed." That would have prevented so many problems that are now coming to fruition.... I just can't deny myself the instant happiness of taking more, more more. It sucks.

limitless_euphoria

12-02-2007, 01:12 AM

I'm really flattered by the response to this thread.

It's really interesting... of course me being the Psych. major... seeing where everyone is coming from on this whole thing.

On another note, my best pal Freddy is real excited... he might be getting 30 perc 10s in the not-so-distant future. :) Yummy.

Papa Verine

12-02-2007, 01:56 AM

HOW'S THAT MAGAZINE
COMING ALONG?
(HI KRISTEN)

I'm always quitting
and always starting again

Dimebagaboy is back... AND HE'S GOT AN AK-47!

That is just fucked up.

betmylife

12-02-2007, 01:57 AM

I'm in it for good at this point. Even if I didn't have chronic pain issues I'd still use opiates.

I love how they make me feel.

I feel the same, I have alot of pain, but I started using before my condition was this bad......at the same time, the financial side makes me sick sometimes, and I think of quitting.....but I doubt I ever will.....I have been taking my oxy for pain lately, and buying a few bags of H a few times a week to get high.....but I never do them both on the same day,and use oxy for pain only....so far it has worked out cheaper than buyin oxy only....my nose is fucked now tho......I gotta stop snorting shit..

jackjohnson

12-02-2007, 07:24 PM

i voted I don't have to think about it; I'm clean right now.

because im not physically dependent on them at the moment. but when i was dependent i thought of quitting them 24/7 even when high on them.

jackjohnson

12-02-2007, 07:28 PM

Also Hiram, those drug dreams are terrible aren't they? When I was using, I can pretty much say with complete confidence that I never had a single dream in which I used drugs. And I really do mean never - no exaggeration. But after I had gotten clean, I have had drug dreams pretty much non-stop. I don't know how often exactly but it is very frequent. And you are right: The dreams are SO VIVID and they capture every single detail for me. For example, when I have one of these "user dreams," I can really remember smells, tastes, feelings, etc. Every aspect about the dream is so vivid. It's crazy shit. I'll tell you this though - When you are trying very hard to stay clean, it doesn't help at all when you are dreaming about getting fucked up almost every night in your dreams...

DAMN THOSE DRUG DREAMS. i swear when i have the drug dreams i always have a SHIT LOAD of opioids (im talking freezer bags full of oxys or heroin - hundreds, maybe thousands of oxys or kilos of heroin) and i swear i get fucking high as hell in the dreams too. then i wake up and realize not only am i not opiated, but i dont possess a enourmous bag of opioids either - and i get really fucking pissed off.

limitless_euphoria

12-02-2007, 08:39 PM

DAMN THOSE DRUG DREAMS. i swear when i have the drug dreams i always have a SHIT LOAD of opioids (im talking freezer bags full of oxys or heroin - hundreds, maybe thousands of oxys or kilos of heroin) and i swear i get fucking high as hell in the dreams too. then i wake up and realize not only am i not opiated, but i dont possess a enourmous bag of opioids either - and i get really fucking pissed off.

Man, I've had TONS of drug dreams... I remember this one where I found this giant bottle of pills... they looked like skittles or M&Ms. Anyway, in my dream they turned out to be hallucinagens and I was actually tripping balls in my dream. It was nuts.

I don't remember too many dreams specifically about opiates... but certainly plenty where I was high as hell and it seemed SO REAL when I woke up I was like... goddamnit... back to sleep so I can pick up where I left off... usually never happened but one can always exercise wishful thinking! :)

Nate

12-02-2007, 09:50 PM

pharmboy

12-02-2007, 10:29 PM

After going through withdrawl at least five times and rehab twice I

don't think about it AT ALL any more.

I know I'm an addict and I'm fine with that, Its other people that

have a problem. I'm to old to go through much more of this quitting

bull shit. .:jumping-s

Hiram

12-03-2007, 12:55 AM

Tea Time

12-03-2007, 01:31 AM

Studies show that a person who starts using prior to 24, and has prolonged use, they will never again experience a normal reward response. Blues will never be as blue, greens as green,etc. So, part of it is the unwillingness to live a dull grey life.

Wow that is really interesting Rach! I have never heard any study results like that, but it totally makes sense.

I was going to add something that to me was way worse than thinking about quitting. Did you guys ever have that experience where you get really high (even though you have been trying to quit, or you just relapsed) and then you just feel guilty? You feel so guilty that even though you should feel absolutely great you feel like a worthless piece of shit and it ruins the whole high? Before I quit that used to happen to me quite a bit and that was the worst feeling of all. Or when you wake up starting to feel wd's and then go cop and fix up even though you don't want to but know that you need to?

I HATED that feeling worse than just about anything. I don't think my self esteem was ever lower than when I relapsed and was so ridiculously high and then had six or eight hours to sit there and feel guilty about it...

Jdizzle

12-03-2007, 01:47 AM

about these drug dreams, ive had a kinda embarassing experience. I wasnt completly w/ding, but it was a little past the time i should have done it and was starting to feel like crap and i had a dream i was trying to get my barrel full and ready to roll before we got on some sort of school bus, and then i just busted a nut. yup, thats right, busted a nut. a wet dream over my sweet sweet emma(morphine)

TheGimp

12-03-2007, 05:08 AM

I voted in for good. I also am a CP patient, and I don't see that ever changing, so I'm stuck. I am currently working on quitting SMOKING oxy though. I've been hooked on smoking 80s off tin foil for almost a year now. Its hard to change you preferred ROA, but the foil is just KILLING my lungs now. The only way I felt like I would be able to stop, is to stop taking OC, so I asked my doctor to switch me to fentanyl patches. I still end up smoking my roxi 15s (i know, its fucking gross to smoke those, but i'm a cluck!), and the OC40's that my doc gave me to taper down while I was working my fentanyl dose up to where it needs to be. I go back to the doc tomorrow, and I'm going to ask for roxi 30s instead of the 40s and the 15s, because the 40s are costing me way too much money (no insurance). I'm sure I'll be smoking those too, but they probably arnt as nasty as the 15s. I even end up smoking the gel from my patches, but not until after day 3, I just squeeze out whatever is left and smoke it up, but there really isn't shit left, it just makes me feel better to smoke something off a piece of foil. (sad huh?)

My 2 cents.

THE GIMP!

limitless_euphoria

12-03-2007, 05:12 AM

No lie - Once I had a dream where I was running down a path in w/d, I then started noticing blue dots all over ground, upon closer inspection there was a trail of 80s, the 80s took me all the way home. I swear it was so real. I remeber like counting them or something, but i cant remeber how many. I was so astatic, the world was such a better place.

Needless to say this dream did not help the kicking process on day 4, I woke up, realized it was a dream, then felt worse then the preceeding days. HORRIBLE. Taunts us in our dreams, fuck i swear it was real :mad: (This is a past kick)

Man oh man, I cannot tell you how many times when I've been w/o opies or trying to get clean where I've had dreams that I had a mega stash hidden someplace including assloads of pills, dope, weed or whatever. I'd dream it was in my room or in the closet or something. Then I awaken and for a split second I think—oh SHIT—that was just another fuckin' drug dream. DAMNIT ALL!

I just think it's amazing that the mind is capable, in a dream state, of believing that it is under the influence of drugs. I wish I had more lucidity in my dreams so that I could control what I was doing and how I felt.

There's actually a book entitled "Lucid Dreaming" that I read as a teenager. I think it was by Stephen Laberge if memory serves. It attempts to teach you, as a dreamer, how to explore the concept of controlling the manifest content of your dreams and in tern improving yourself or your well-being. Seems to be kind of a stretch but it was a good read at the time.

alissanurse

12-03-2007, 07:56 PM

i think about quitting every time i run out of opiates...but then i realize if some pills magically showed up, i am weak, and id pop them without even thinking twice, and now im really screwed...i go back to my nursing job on wednesday....so unless i take a LOA, theres probably no way im quitting right now, besides, in my unhappy exsistance( which i really shouldnt be)... it keeps me sane so to speak everyday, and when i wake up i can smile knowing ill be high in a little bit.. i should be waking up and saying " gosh, im happy caus im alive today! caus i have a family, a job a roof over my head"...noo, i drag myself outta bed if im not holding anything.........ok that response was depressing enough,lol lol:D:p:cool:

No lie - Once I had a dream where I was running down a path in w/d, I then started noticing blue dots all over ground, upon closer inspection there was a trail of 80s, the 80s took me all the way home. I swear it was so real. I remeber like counting them or something, but i cant remeber how many. I was so astatic, the world was such a better place.

Needless to say this dream did not help the kicking process on day 4, I woke up, realized it was a dream, then felt worse then the preceeding days. HORRIBLE. Taunts us in our dreams, fuck i swear it was real :mad: (This is a past kick)
i have so lucid vivid dreams in detox, lol i drempt about detox while i was in it, meeting the girls, eating the meals and when i awoke i swear it felt real as if i had that day before,lol

Inspektahdek

12-04-2007, 02:20 PM

Myth

12-04-2007, 05:49 PM

I used to think about it everyday...every single day, at least once if not multiple times a day..that's when I got into treatment.

limitless_euphoria

12-04-2007, 07:29 PM

Did you guys ever have that experience where you get really high (even though you have been trying to quit, or you just relapsed) and then you just feel guilty? You feel so guilty that even though you should feel absolutely great you feel like a worthless piece of shit and it ruins the whole high?

YES, DEFINITELY. You know when that usually happens... when I'm using opiates unbeknown to anyone but me and then I smoke some pot on top of it. For some reason I start feeling like a real dirtbag and it's almost like my mind goes into overdrive. Or, it's also bad when people tell me how I've come such a long way in terms of where I used to be (drinking, sniffing coke, popping pills, smoking pot all in the same night) and I'm actually high but they don't know. Oh man what a buzzkill.

I *so* relate to where you're coming from. I think it's happened to some of the people here on the forum at one point or another. I just stay focused on whether or not I'm fulfilling my obligations in life and being a decent person to those people who matter to me. What I do to myself is really my choice.

As long as I'm not stealing from someone or causing harm to another person, I feel ultimately that it's my business... but that attitude doesn't grant me immunity from guilt all the time.

resorcinol

12-04-2007, 07:56 PM

I have just had a forced quit because I have NO money and won't until I get a new job probably next semester. SO it's a certain break for me now, even though I don't want it.

While using.. hmm, I thought about it on most days, not overly seriously though. Just like a passing though, about how much easier it would be not needing to set time aside for the fix and worry when supplies are depleted.

I CAN'T STAND these hot and cold flashes. It makes it so fuckin uncomfortable to be outside in the cold for even a second. Normally, the cold bothers me a little - on dope, it doesn't phase me at all - in withdrawal I'm so intolerant to the cold it KILLS me to walk to class or whatever. It feels like a five minute walk of pure hell, shivering from the cold and the flashes of heat at the same time and the goosebumps. UGH!

Tea Time

12-04-2007, 08:37 PM

I CAN'T STAND these hot and cold flashes. It makes it so fuckin uncomfortable to be outside in the cold for even a second. Normally, the cold bothers me a little - on dope, it doesn't phase me at all - in withdrawal I'm so intolerant to the cold it KILLS me to walk to class or whatever. It feels like a five minute walk of pure hell, shivering from the cold and the flashes of heat at the same time and the goosebumps. UGH!

Yeah I know what you are talking about. When I was on opiates, it always seemed to me that my senses were "dulled" a little bit. When I am not on opiates, or especially when I am in WD's, my senses seem extremely sensitive. All of my senses feel like they are in overdrive. Smells smell so strong they almost make me nauseous, the cold chills me down to the bone, the heat and humidity make me start to sweat uncontrollably like a pig, I notice sounds that I normally wouldn't and it can be distracting. All in all, it feels like I am "over-stimulated" and adding that on-top of all of the other problems that WD causes makes things even worse...

JunkYardSaint

12-04-2007, 08:44 PM

It's not really so much that I feel guilty, it's just that at some point in my early adult life I lost control, and no matter how I tried I was never able to regain that control - now don't get me wrong I've quit and been clean; once for over two years, and aside from a few isolated slips I was relatively clean for closer to four years - none the less I was always thinking about it, and scheming if I could.
I remember there was a time I thought that if I got clean that alot of my other issues would be solved or work themselves out - but I found that to be not the case - life clean was much like life when I used, the main difference seemed to be that I was on edge and fighting the urge to use all the damn time. The closest thing to "normalcy" I've had seems to be high dosage methadone; and even with this it's not so much guilt I'm plagued with but rather this feeling that I'm selling myself short. That I could do better. That I'm "giving up" when I should be and could be drug free. I'll admit that for the most part I wouldn't give a shit, and I'd be quite content to live on opiates for the rest of my life, what bothers me about it is that it's something I would have no control over, and I don't like the feeling of having my ass tied to ANYTHING. Some things, some of my dreams and aspirations are much more difficult if not impossible with a huge habit in tow. What the hell do you do when you can't get your "medicine" ? What if I lose my job? Or have the need or desire to travel? Dreams of mine that are inconsistent with daily opiate use are those goals that involve travel and taking risks that right now because of my habit I'm afraid to.
I don't know if I make any sense but... yeah.... I think about it daily and have for something like thirty freakin' years. Had I known this drug habit would be this consuming I think I might have avoided it or treated it with a more careful attitude; ha bullshit, now that I think of it; I became aware of it's "pull" my first year of use but struggled with it almost immediately...hell by the time I was 30 I was not above crime if that's what I needed to fix. Tsk tsk tsk.... the morality of despair is that faint whisper of a conscience, the loudest internal voice always seemed to be crying for the next fix.
*shuffles off still mumbling to himself....*

Tea Time

12-05-2007, 09:40 AM

I don't know if I make any sense but... yeah.... I think about it daily and have for something like thirty freakin' years. Had I known this drug habit would be this consuming I think I might have avoided it or treated it with a more careful attitude; ha bullshit, now that I think of it; I became aware of it's "pull" my first year of use but struggled with it almost immediately...hell by the time I was 30 I was not above crime if that's what I needed to fix. Tsk tsk tsk.... the morality of despair is that faint whisper of a conscience, the loudest internal voice always seemed to be crying for the next fix.
*shuffles off still mumbling to himself....*

Yeah you are making perfect sense to me. That is exactly what I was talking about. It's like even though you would get high and you should be feeling good, or at least okay, you wouldn't feel good at all. Like you said - you would just sit there and listen to the internal conflict that was raging on between the "faint whisper of your conscience" and the "loud internal voice" of your addiction. So I guess it's not technically sitting there feeling guilty for using, but just like you said it is the confict that was going on in your mind. And for me, that always completely ruined my high.

Like I said, things are much, much better for me now that I am not actively using and now that I'm not physically dependent on H or PT. But man do I remember going through that horrible guilt a couple years ago when I was trying to stay clean and relapsed a couple of times. The thing that I felt most guilty about was the dishonesty. I never actually felt guilty about the actual act of using opiates, but I always felt guilty about having to be dishonest to hide my opiate use from my girlfriend, family, and friends...Or even being dishonest to hide the extent of my use from my girlfriend, family, and friends. The dishonest is the worst part about opiate addiction for me. If I could have removed the dishonesty and not faced any repricussions for it, I would have been happy and content....

Nemesis1

01-06-2008, 03:29 AM

At times the opioids are trying to quit me, but they can't escape my grasp! :D

clinton

01-06-2008, 05:49 AM

i think about quitting, the cost, the Fact that i cant go anywheRe thats not dRiveable, the Fact that when i Run out i panic...i Realize ill have to get on bup to quit...eitheR that oR go cold tuRkey on my next vacation..
i dont know iF nine days is long enough FoR a pod addiction...
the dRugs do something FoR my head...good, im suRe you all know what i mean. oddly though the use of this dRug doesnt affect me in the negative in RegaRds to woRking ,Relationships, life itself, otheR than the lack
of the drug which would then send those things into a tailspin...i want to use these thing s but not be dependent...dont we all i guess...

after typing this i forgot about the "taper"

that should be my Reasonable plan..
i know some of you have had success tapering with pods, correct?

Saint

01-06-2008, 06:15 AM

I managed to quit heroine completely 8 years ago but methadone is another matter. I've tried many times but never got to feeling better, even after months. I'm merely on it for pain. So I'm on it forgood. But still... I'm thinking about how life could be without done almost every day.

mark_renton

01-06-2008, 06:59 AM

In it for good, why deal with pain when you don't have too? Don't get me wrong it's contributed to some god awful things happening in my life, but I think I would have just gave up a long time ago if it wasn't for my precious drugs.

JayTrizzle

01-06-2008, 04:17 PM

I'm a cp sufferer and have no insurance. I think about it EVERY FUCKING DAY.

HistoryofMadness

01-06-2008, 06:39 PM

well since i'm clean i guess technically i don't have to think about quitting, but i do think about staying quit.. it started off being a wildly overwhelming obsession, then a seriously bad obsession, then a constant obsession, then a mild obsession.

you get the point.

but nowadays i really don't think about dope everyday anymore. sometimes i'll go days without thinking about it.

insanely enough (and this is kind of personal) but the most intense cravings come right after sex or more specifically an orgasm when i'm still kind of rushing or coming down... only a true junky would relate the sexual experience to shooting dope i reckon.

anyway i am a rush junky so other rushes also trigger me. but the good thing is that i can actually get other rushes because when i first quit, for about 6 months, nothing gave me a rush at all really.

i think about staying quit an average of a few times a week. crazy huh?

Princess

01-06-2008, 06:58 PM

NEVER QUITTING!

I am also a CP patient....as long as I don't get cut off for some strange reason...I will always use my opi's.

I think that after withdrawls of getting cut off would finally subside....I'd probably be suicidal from the real pain I'd have to endure.

CambriaRKD

01-30-2008, 08:36 AM

Not quitting or straying from my recreational scheme anytime soon. I'll most likely continue using 'til the day I die.

smoothupnu69

01-30-2008, 10:15 PM

used to think about it on a daily basis ...but last month i went ape-shit at the beginning of my script and ran out about 3 days early. the pain i felt coming down from roxi's was enough to slap me back into reality... i will never stop if i have anything to say in the matter! but it was awesome when i got my script filled i crushed and snorted right there in the pharm. pkng. lot. i love that feeling after you have been off a day or two it is complete bliss when those oxy's hit your bloodstream!

Fillthee

02-01-2008, 10:55 PM

I think about it once or twice a month when I am running short on cash or something. Then i remember how much I love them and how much they keep me sane. I'm a much better person when on opiates. :p

Hoss

11-03-2008, 04:04 PM

I'm currently on Bup maintenance and don't really have any plans to stop taking it, for if I do - BAM, right back on a full-on opiate, this last time heroin. I'm still in my 20's so I *hope* someday that I'll be able to be opiate free, however I suffer from bi-polar/depression, so on opies (even Bup) I feel pretty good - it's the quitting, then the PAWS, then my mind I'm afraid of after.

One thing I do think about quite a bit is what if I get in an accident or for some reason need opiate treatment in the future; if I keep up the rate I'm going, I would imagine I would be royally fucked.

Duckfeet

11-03-2008, 06:12 PM

Anytime I'm loaded, I usually think about quitting: trouble is, I'm pretty delusional, and usually think that if I can get off opiates, I'll be *so* happy, and then I quit, get in hell, life sucks...and then go back to'em...

I mean, this time I hope that isn't true....but that's usually the way to bet...

darkstar

11-03-2008, 10:57 PM

CP patient here. Don't think that I'll ever be without them although sometimes, I think if I got off them where the pain level would be. It's been a really long time since I gave my body a chance to really detox myself. I do think about quitting for this reason and the lack of insurance makes doctors visits expensive. Thank goodness for pods.

sweet pea

01-02-2009, 02:17 PM

i said i think about it every day. but thinking and doing are 2 different things. i'm so fucking done, but i'm also very, very weak.

preaching to the choir, i know.

devilsdrug

01-02-2009, 02:21 PM

never =========

Noddz

01-02-2009, 02:23 PM

day and night.

Noddz

01-02-2009, 02:24 PM

everyday and night...
i said i think about it every day. but thinking and doing are 2 different things.

rockbottom

01-02-2009, 02:25 PM

never--now i just chip--and ill never quit that--only thing i ever wanted to quit was done--and i did that 5 years ago

Method

01-02-2009, 06:54 PM

At the moment i am off the dope, and clean from it ... wonder how long it will last this time.

Duckfeet

01-02-2009, 07:09 PM

It's hard sometimes to figure...mostly because what I crave and even what I think, hasn't a lot of consistency...and--since this was an old thread--I figured I'd posted on it, back when I was in the middle of heroin/methadone bounce, and I went back and looked at my old post, a year ago...and it still holds true, to a point, where the dreams and delusions that sustained me when I was very young, and new to heroin use--around nineteen--no longer hold me now I"m in my fifties: back then I always thought if I could just get out of town, or get the job, or the girl, it would all be alright, and I wouldn't *need* opiates...

But the ups and downs of life, which have included my own descent into criminal life, and many jails and one stretch in prison, meant the loss of all I loved and valued, time and time again, to where there was nothing much left to me...and yet I'd still return time and time again, to heroin or other strong opiates, usually dialudids...

I never thought it would be a *lifetime* thing, I thought I was always leaving dope behind, and often did really well for years: I was commercial diver for many years, had beautiful loving wife...and even after that was all destroyed again, by me...I still loved dope for the feeling, even temporary...but hated dope for what it had taken from me...

So I never preach "recovery" or "abstinence" or any of that stuff, as it never worked permanently for me...but I'm "quit" now, a couple months, and I don't think much about dope...I have a feeling if I was in NE or Chicago where powder was available, or if good old dilaudids where around like they used to be in the south, I wouldn't be quit at all...and I still say, if they had Heroin-Maintenance (which is no cure-all) I'd be on it..."ready availability of good opiates" has always made it tougher to stay off them...

I just "day at a time" it, mostly, and swim in cold-ass ocean every day, and try to be grateful for what I do have, and not regret what I've lost, or worry too much about what I know will probably bring me down again...not today, tho....

Raz

01-03-2009, 03:12 AM

Every muvver fuckin day.....The smack i dont mind...But dis fuckin juice shit, is bolloxs...My 2 cents

chopstix

01-03-2009, 04:48 AM

Daily.....

frankie

01-03-2009, 08:48 AM

I'm in it for good at this point. Even if I didn't have chronic pain issues I'd still use opiates.

I love how they make me feel. This sums it up for me to the tee...

hydro chris

01-03-2009, 08:52 AM

it crosses my mind several time a day.

bigfootlives

01-04-2009, 02:35 AM

I think of quitting opiates probably a few times a week and how much money I would save considering all my sources are from the streets. Then right after I think of how bored I would be without. It almost feels to me as if life wouldn't be complete without them.

Narkotikon

01-10-2009, 08:36 PM

Technically, I don't have to think about it. I'm technically clean right now. I did buy 3lbs. of seeds on Thursday and got semi-high, meaning I was relaxed and it made the boredom go away, but that's basically it. The problem now is staying quit, especially when you're bored and it's what you mainly think about. Lack of cash is perfect for stopping drug use though. At least until you get more money.

losangeleslifer

01-13-2009, 01:05 AM

Fortunately I'm still walking that tightrope where I dont have to want or worry about it.

firefeind

01-13-2009, 01:29 AM

i could have check off three of the choices. im currently on a "break", cuz until today my pain has been in remission for about a month. i actually like the idea of having as much clean time as i can, knowing that the the arthrits in my back and subsequent nerve pain are, short of a miracle, only getting worse. i think about what life would be like without drugs about 20 times a day. and then i have a moment like i did today where i was doubled over shaking like leaf and naseated from excruciaing nerve pain which finally led to me passing out for 3 hours and i think "damn, theres really only one way, isnt there?". its a totally different thought process than before i had a medical need for opies. not that i wouldnt keep using if i didnt need to for med reasons:p