ralationships and dope

[Coddfish]

Ok, get this. I have been f'n around with opies for 11 years and been clean once in that time, just for a few months. My girlfriend has been with me through it all, EXCEPT for part of the time when I was clean about 8 years ago. She does not use anything and she was very supportive, but when I got clean I turned into an ass and really didn't want to be with her any more. Eventually i started using again, ended up back on methadone, and we got back together. A very similar thing happened with my best friend and his ol' lady. Now I am almost entirely off all opies and I am getting that restless, cramped feeling again. I owe this woman my life, I'm sure, for sticking by me, but I think part of my problem is that I have lost some respect for her because she shoulda left me long ago. This is by no means our only issue, but it is there. I don't need to hear how pathetic this is; I know that. I just want to know if anyone here can relate any comparable/ contrastable experiences. I can't be the only one f'n up a good thing?
coddfish

[malefiacrum]

If she's stuck by you all this time, then obviously she really likes you and it has nothing to do with her not having self respect. I would imagine if hse stuck it out with you after all that and then you get rid of her, that would say more about you then. I too have a g/f that has never used a thing and has stuck by me all this time. Whenever I quit for a bit or cut down, sometimes our relationship has it's ups and downs, but I usually find that is more about me being a dick during w/d. The main thing u would need to figure out, IMO, is whether you only like her when you're high, or if you really do like her.
just an observation, I'm no Don Juan...lol

[Peripat]

Coddfish, I don't think you're the only one of us 'round here who gets a tad antsy when off the gear ;) I can relate to a lot of what you're saying; however, I agree with malefiacrum - you need to sort out your own feelings for this girl rather than wonder if she's some sort of doormat (after all, a decade's a long long time for a modern chick to be one of those!)

Wishing you and your lady all the best,
Peripat

[Zoop]

It doesn't really sound to me like you have lost respect for her. I mean, have you lost respect for yourself? You say she should've left you a long time ago - should she have?

I am married, and my wife knows about my drug addiction. Recently, she found out that I used kratom from January of 2005 until November 2005. I got real messed up on ambiens and she said "you're fucked up aren't you." and then there it was, the whole truth came out. She was really pissed and upset and said she might divorce me and take our son with her. I have since gotten on buprenorphine maintenance and gone back to 12-step meetings - AA ('cos I'm a alcoholic too, and I know how some people 'round here feel about that, but I don't think it's a waste of my time, they make me feel better and I have friends in the program).

My wife is actually glad that I'm on bupe, even though it's an opiate. Things have gotton a lot better since then - I'm off the kratom and PT now too! I would imagine that your 'ol lady feels the same way about you being on methadone. It stabilizes you. Some of us just have a natural opiate deficiency - endorphine deficiency or something, and we need opies to feel normal.

Maybe you should go on bupe - I swear by it.

[earthenone]

Well Cod, I hope I end up being as lucky as you, my problems didnt start until after my back surgery, of course my wife noticed, she was against the first order, and told me not to do it, or id not be able to walk away. Damn, i hate nothing more than when she gets to say she told me so! Anyway at first i think we both thought it was just until my back got better, and that is apparently never going to happen. It has been somewhat of a rocky time, and I came to terms with it way before her, we just dont speak of it anymore, and i sure hope she never gets tired of it and leaves. I do find occasionally between scripts, or whatever, if i suffer a little wd's, i am a dick, thus far i have realized it and appologized, and she knows whats up, so anyway good luck, id think hard bout ditching her, cuz you never know when the next time youll be "Off the Wagon" she might not be there, noone might.

[OldBat]

Speaking as one of those women sometimes perceived as a doormat by others (but not by myself), I'd hope that your girlfriend hasn't really lost your respect. She may just be the sort of person who doesn't believe that what you use defines who you are. Perhaps she sees you as better than you see yourself--after all, who decreed that a lady's knight in shining armor can't need to nod now and then? She may also have invested so much in you over the years, in emotional terms, that she'd never give up on that investment. Perhaps, too, you are giving her more in life than you realize, making the terms even in her eyes.

My friends and family are convinced that I'm being taken advantage of and manipulated by "a jobless, bottom-feeding junkie," but this is not my perception at all. It is true that I'm supporting him, but it is just as true that he is my best friend, emotional support, and informal therapist. I provide a bit of room and board, but he gives much more than he takes by keeping me pulled together through tough times. Maybe your girlfriend sees you in a similar light.

[opiobsessed]

Relationships? screw that, sorry for my rant but this topic reminds me how I'm lucky in one area at least of my life, that is I'm glad as hell that I never married anyone or been in any serious relationship with anyone before. From my experience people are basically evil and suck most of the time. Which is why I am very cautious of who I get involved with. Long story short, I've had some of the most lousy experiences with people in my life, I can guarantee more odd or worse than anyone on here if you include the severity of the unlucky bizzare type of stuff I've run into in life. I guess I have one thing going for me, no kids, responsibility from divorce etc. My best relationship is my buddy opium in the form of sub for now, and that's all that matters to me. One of the things I love about opiates is they kill your sex drive, I used to have some dangerously high amount of sex partners back when I was just on the lame booze. Now its been months since I even had sex with anyone, the best safe sex around.

[gnat]

How polar the outlooks can be... I have one thing going for me... a child from a divorce. He's great.

I also have a g/f whom I'll probably marry, life couldn't be better.

[Coddfish]

Coddfish, I don't think you're the only one of us 'round here who gets a tad antsy when off the gear ;) I can relate to a lot of what you're saying; however, I agree with malefiacrum - you need to sort out your own feelings for this girl rather than wonder if she's some sort of doormat (after all, a decade's a long long time for a modern chick to be one of those!)

Wishing you and your lady all the best,
Peripat
Thanks for the input, all of you. Good stuff that. I wouldn't say the ol' lady's a doormat by any stretch, but how can you disappoint a person dozens of times and they still stick by you? I KNOW I sucked when I was high, and for her own saftey and well-being she shoulda gone. (When I'm not strung out it's quite different; i'm a superstar!:D ). I am aware that caring and reasoning are often mutually exclusive, but virtually all reasonable people woulda said "enough is enough." Now that I'm not doin dope I don't know if what I think and feel is what it would've been like all along w/o opies or what the deal is. As you folks say, I guess I gotta figure that out. But even thinking that I need to do that is bringing on hardcore guilt.

By the way bat, is that picture on your avatar from Chiang mai? Nice, anyway.
coddfish

[OldBat]

Yes, it's the Wat Doi Suthep, up the dragon staircase on a mountain just outside Chiang Mai--where I first fell in love with fresh, fresh opium (while riding an elephant) in 1983 and again in 1984. I'm so glad that you recognized it.

[poppy]

Coddfish I wonder if deep down u really know the answer to your questions but u just don't want to admit it to yourself because of the guilt u'd feel if u were totally honest. I think u know that u don't really respect her because u either wouldn't (or don't think you would) respect yourself if the roles had been reversed. I also wonder if u have taken advantage of her feelings for u whilst u were using to fulfil your needs (maybe financially and/or emotionally). Obviously (as any non using partner) she must have been dreaming of the happy life u'd have together if u weren't using. So obviously it would be a real kick in the teeth having put in ten+ years with an addict during the hard times only to find that when they get clean they no longer want u. I think its telling that both times u've been clean (or nearly clean) u've questioned the relationship (particularly as the last time u were clean was not that long into the relationship). The very fact you're asking this question proves somethings not right. If this is true then u must set her free,you owe her that at the very least! u've wasted enough of her time, and yes she'll be devastated and you'll feel guilty but she's clearly a nice girl who deserves the chance to meet someone who will love her like she deserves. Guilt is not a good reason to stay with someone, would u want someone to stay with u out of guilt?
If I've read this totally wrong which knowing me is very likely I appologise and suggest u totally ignore me listen to Earthenone, he speaks sense when he says that sometimes u don't know what u've got till its gone for good and its too late to change your mind! I honestly hope that I am wrong, ultimately the choice is yours but if u choose to leave her and then relapse in the future it would be cruel to raise her hopes again. Hope I haven't offended u I didn't mean to.. Good Luck. Laters Poppyx

[paperrabbit]

^^some good advice that is.

I love my boy to death - i really do. He isn't really a user at all... and I do find that when i am not on I definitely have a short fuse and just can't take nearly as much as I could while high. But who knows, probably just me starting to get sick. He does so much for me, I always feel like the biggest asshole after I get snippy over nothing...