Uppers are really the death of me

[the morphine the better]

I have a weakness for uppers. I had a real bad coke problem for a while. I dealt it so I had plenty. For a few months last winter I was doing at least 2 grams a night, but wouldn't be strange if I did about 3 or 4 between friends. Shit fucked my life up. I started going to bed between 10am and noon and waking up at 9 or 10pm blowing a line and going right to the bars to slang and party. My nose felt like it was going to fall off. I did have some really great times though, and some really strange times with dumb crazy coked up psychos.

Anyways after my trip to the Middle East I came home and really really cut down. But I started bartending and got back into, probably about a gram a night. For me I never had the shitty emotional come down. I was always awesome and happy and then I would sleep. I also never got all crazy and intense, talking non stop. But I did neglect a lot of what I love about myself like playing drums and making art. (there is a point to this post) I really stopped progressing in my life and (even though I hid it successfully from all my peers and family) was very very depressed.

So going to jail was awesome for me actually. And being on probation and having UA's makes it so I can't fuck up. I honestly have no appetite for cocaine whatsoever.

Tonight I took an Adderall. It was great. I mixed it with oxy and had a great night. I got the rush and euphoria I love. The endless energy and pep. Then a little later on I kind of freaked out because I realized how much I liked it. I started thinking about getting more. Or getting coke. Then I started thinking back on this last year and started to cry. I know it makes me sound weak. I realized how much time I wasted. Some of you guys know this and others don't, but I was in a very successful band for about 4 years. National radio airplay, MTV, we were in all major music magazines, toured on a bus, made a lot of money, got to tour with my idols, basically a dream. It was also very destructive but I won't get into. Basically I started thinking about what my life used to be like, and how it is now. How I passed up the chance to join another very successful band to sell coke instead. How I am just some dude working 2 jobs, just another crappy has been member of society. My mind has been racing 10000 miles an hour. I took enough oxy to bascially negate the adderall (but damn this shit lasts for a long fucking time).

Now I remember the shitty thing about uppers. How they make me depressed. How they give me a false sense of reality. How they are the only thing that matter to me when I am on them. When on opiates I am happy and normal, I have been doing good and feeling productive. But the damn upper made me feel crushed. And they make my Arthritis hurt so much more. Does anybody experience muscle tightness, or back pain?

Anyways, I guess I had to get shit off my mind. Feel free to make fun of me or tell me my post is dumb.

Love you guys.

[ProdigalSon]

When on opiates I am happy and normal, I have been doing good and feeling productive.

Yo' problem is solved:cool:

Any time im tweakin im tense as hell. Went on a meth binge awhile back after I crashed for a day I woke up all types of sore

[matfield]

why should anyone make fun of you or say that post was dumb..?
it seemed to be very honest and you talked about a lot of things that probably most here can relate to.
At least i can.
Lately i am thinking a lot about what i may have lost over my drug use.
ANd of course things got also really bad when i was doin and selling coke a lot (in regard to relationships and jobs)
But i try to keep thinking that everything happens due to a special reason and in the end it hopefully still seems to make sense..

[the morphine the better]

Thanks dude, yeah I really shouldn't be fucking around with that stuff. It is really just not something I can handle.

[Opilover]

Anyways, I guess I had to get shit off my mind. Feel free to make fun of me or tell me my post is dumb.

Love you guys.


Hey no need to feel like your gonna be laughed at,,,that is why we are all here to share the good and the bad...Your post isn't dumb at all your just expressing your expiriences with uppers,,Hope everything works out for ya,,if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me..

[Chipper]

... But the damn upper made me feel crushed. And they make my Arthritis hurt so much more. Does anybody experience muscle tightness, or back pain?

Back pain is a common problem for us that overuse stimulants. Happens to my friend too.

[RxQueen]

good post, TMTB. and the part where you said it made you sound weak, to look back & cry with regret? nah... just makes ya sound human. all of it's true... coke (& other stims) will fuck up your life fast. i know; i've got a weakness for 'em too. and they'll definitely make a body all sore and tired, you're not alone there either.

you're better off with the opies. they come with plentya problems of their own, sure... but hey, i always liked monkeys anyway. (that's not a rationalization, and so what if it is? :p) save the stims for an occasional thing, but never let 'em take over your life again. at least that's what i'm trying for.

[pharmboy]

First off : amphetamines are evil

Second : If I was you I would play my drums and
get into another band, you are obviously
a very talented drummer and to much
money never hurt anyone. ( unless you
spend it on coke ! )
REMEMBER: Coke is Gods way of telling
you you have to much money. Good Luck:cloud9:

[tui]

Back pain is a common problem for us that overuse stimulants. Happens to my friend too.


maybe it's cos your kidneys are trying to filter all the uptown crap out? i get the sore back too

t

[Zoops]

Yeah man. totally.

Back pain, stayin up all night. The whole nine, you name it. Re-upped on Focalin XR yesterday afternoon. Slept about two hours, got up, took some more, now I'm getting ready to go to work (it will be a little early).

I think I got a refill on something to bring me down; I'll get some stuff later.

[the morphine the better]

Hey you guys are so awesome. I really appreciate the support. It was one of those nights. It was so many familiar feelings from the past all hitting me at once. I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and laughed.

I truly think uppers are evil. Even the Adderalls and the Vyvans and the Foccalins. It's all the same shit. They really fucked me up for a long time. Opiates have problems that come with them. But for me at least they gave me chance to live like a normal person and not be in pain 24/7, they don't make me hate myself. When on uppers I feel like I live in a delusional reality...

Any ideas on how to give myself the ability to say no? I guarantee if I am offered any pharmie uppers or coke I will do it. I will do it as long as it is around me, and then I will start seeking. What can I do to give myself a few moments of pause and think about the consequences, about how I know it is only leading me to a bad place? It really fucking sucks to be this weak. I think it takes a certain type of strength to admit that I am totally incapable of not doing something that is so bad for me if it is in my face. I am pretty ashamed of myself.

I do believe I need to pick up my drum sticks and get back to the one thing I am really meant to be doing.

I really thought I was going to be made fun of for my post. I thank you guys deeply for being good friends. I mean that when I say friends. What I love about you all is that nobody ever makes me feel like I am crazy, and someone always relates to me on personal matters.

[RxQueen]

Any ideas on how to give myself the ability to say no? I guarantee if I am offered any pharmie uppers or coke I will do it. I will do it as long as it is around me, and then I will start seeking. What can I do to give myself a few moments of pause and think about the consequences, about how I know it is only leading me to a bad place? It really fucking sucks to be this weak. I think it takes a certain type of strength to admit that I am totally incapable of not doing something that is so bad for me if it is in my face. I am pretty ashamed of myself.


be easy on yourself with the shame... like you said, there is a strength in recognizing a weakness. i don't know about the saying no thing. most of us wouldn't be here if we could do that easily. but maybe it would help your resolve if you try to burn into your memory the way you were feeling after the adderal. i mean like, REALLY let yourself dwell on that feeling just long enough that it makes it a little harder to forget about it.

and if that doesn't work (it usually doesn't for me), then accept the fact that you're gonna do the stims. just don't let yourself go fiending & seeking more. even if it means stashing all forms of buying more away from yourself, and telling friends NOT to front any to you since you don't have cash/ATM card/whatever on you.

and for me, one of the most important parts, when i let myself do any stims, is to have some benzos or something on hand to help with the comedown. that's the part when i get to kicking myself in the ass and trying to find more to keep the buzz going. if i can help myself just accept that the party's over and i need to sleep off the after-effects, it makes it WAY easier to stop fiending for more. and i can short-circuit the guilt trip that runs circles in my brain for letting myself do stims in the first place.

hope some of this helps you. i know it's hard... especially if it's coke that i do. that shit makes it sooo hard to NOT get more when i run out.... there's a reason that i've come to think of it as "instant asshole powder... just add me... instant asshole!"

now go dig out those drums & git to poundin' out some frustration! it's gotta be better than beating up on yourself!

[pharmboy]

NOT being offered coke in the music business probably isn't going to
happen. YOU will have to REFUSE it. When they offer it to you say
" no thanks Im allergic, I have these opiates I like much better."

I use to do ALOT of coke but going to the hospital and having a
couple yards of intestine cut out cured me.

Good luck with the music, hope you get back into it: creative people
should create.:music1:

[the morphine the better]

be easy on yourself with the shame... like you said, there is a strength in recognizing a weakness. i don't know about the saying no thing. most of us wouldn't be here if we could do that easily. but maybe it would help your resolve if you try to burn into your memory the way you were feeling after the adderal. i mean like, REALLY let yourself dwell on that feeling just long enough that it makes it a little harder to forget about it.

and if that doesn't work (it usually doesn't for me), then accept the fact that you're gonna do the stims. just don't let yourself go fiending & seeking more. even if it means stashing all forms of buying more away from yourself, and telling friends NOT to front any to you since you don't have cash/ATM card/whatever on you.

and for me, one of the most important parts, when i let myself do any stims, is to have some benzos or something on hand to help with the comedown. that's the part when i get to kicking myself in the ass and trying to find more to keep the buzz going. if i can help myself just accept that the party's over and i need to sleep off the after-effects, it makes it WAY easier to stop fiending for more. and i can short-circuit the guilt trip that runs circles in my brain for letting myself do stims in the first place.

hope some of this helps you. i know it's hard... especially if it's coke that i do. that shit makes it sooo hard to NOT get more when i run out.... there's a reason that i've come to think of it as "instant asshole powder... just add me... instant asshole!"

now go dig out those drums & git to poundin' out some frustration! it's gotta be better than beating up on yourself!


I feel you girl, thanks for the advice. I have plenty of Benzos and shit tons of Oxy. It's not the come down at all. Like I said earlier I've never had a problem with that. It's actually the high itself. Or more specifically it is after I am high (even after come down) I freak out on myself for doing any ups in the first place, I get scared about how much I enjoyed it, I get mad at myself for being so weak. While I am high I act (at least in my head) very fake, I say things I don't mean. I also have a tendency while upped to get involved with women and tell them things I don't mean just for the fun of it. I wake up the next day and some chick thinks that we have some deep bond when the truth is that I was just bullshitting. It really turns me into someone I am not. I can't even count the amount of mornings I have woken up and was so dumbfounded as to how I could act in such a dishonest and slimey way.

I think I am just messed up.

My brain never stops ticking

Sometimes an on off switch would come in handy

My mind is constantly cutting up and disecting

Looking for answers, committing murders along the way

Is it the red wire, or the blue wire?

Just pick one and cut, just doesn't matter anymore

Or did it ever?

I can never control, just how this bomb will explode

[RxQueen]

hmm.... it sounds like the best thing for you would be to not do any stims at all, ever. but since this is the real world, and that's not a very realistic solution.....

the biggest problem for you IMO, is that they turn you into someone you don't like. i have the same problem, in a way.... for me, coke+me=instant asshole. it's a simple and undisputed equation. so i hafta run far away from the stuff (and usually get all messed up on something else to get my mind off it), except in one particular case. i still let myself indulge ONLY with one specific friend... someone i've known for 20+ years that knows me better than anyone else, and who knows to disregard any stupid actions or words from me while we're shooting coke together. having that one outlet still available to me sorta takes away the sting of me feeling like i'll never be able to do coke again. i CAN do it sometimes, just in one very controlled situation.

luckily, coke is the only stim that really has that asshole effect for me. so i can still occasionally do speed when i want. that, and having my one situation where i can allow myself to enjoy coke, makes it easier for me... i don't hafta face that overwhelming thing of "i can never do this drug again." still... it wasn't easy at all to just get to this point. and sometimes, it's STILL hard as hell to turn down an offer of coke.

i don't know if any of this will be useful to you, but it's the only way i found to make peace with myself on this subject. i hope you can either find a way to indulge without the self-loathing, or that you have the strength to try staying away from it. cuz to me, turning into someone i wouldn't want to be spending time with was the worst. except for the hating myself afterwards, cuz that's the worst. life kicks us junkies around enough, without us giving ourselves cause to kick ourselves around more.

[JonnyMohawk]

your not weak bro.

and we love you to.

[limitless_euphoria]

hey morph,

Don't talk badly of yourself. Dude, I used to be a raging cokehead. In fact, I'd say it turned out to be more of a problem in my life than opies ever were. Talk about a few grams... I was so bad off back in the day (mind you this is past the statute of limitation) I used to blow about 1/4 oz of uncut fishscale a day. It was either the fishscale from this one dude or this yellow almost crack-looking stuff from this other guy I knew. I used to get severe nose-bleeds and now I'm missing most of my septum. Finally, my addiction cured itself. If I were to start using coke right now... I could do a line or maybe two, but after that it would be all downhill from there. I get paranoid, sweaty, my heart throbs so hard in my chest it fucks with my hearing, my veins feel like they're going to explode and I already have hypertension so thank goodness for small favors I guess, right! I think that's how I truly became an opiophile. I've never experienced dysphoria or aggitation on opies; also, they do not turn me into an evil son-of-a-bitch when I'm coming down. I can't afford to be, trust me.

It sounds like you'd be best served by staying away from uppers and sticking with your opies if they do right by you. Just my humble opinion... GL to you in any case.

[OhJoy]

This post has changed my mind about how I thought of stims. I thought that I may in the future be able to use them to get out of the state of depression brought on from opie w/ds. Seems to me that's a bucket of evil I don't want to get in. Sounds like it messes with your core 'being'. That sounds way f'd

Stick with opies, I would think the guilt of waking up (like you said not recognizing the person you were being the night b4) would be something you don't want to feel again.

[dirtdog]

Don't feel so badly. You ain't the only one.
I used to do meth, not anymore. Can't afford to....
Gets me way tooooo sssssssspun. Especially when I shoot it. Dont know when night is day or what day night is or even what time it is.... does time ever end..? yeah no.... no thanks... dont need that shit.

Coke just makes me a bitch. and weird. and i got the sniffles-no hiding it!

But then again, in me dear ol junkie heart... someone offers me a line-before I can say No its already been sniffed. Oops.

[the morphine the better]

I do have a few close buds that I can do coke and just about anything else with and there isn't ever a problem. I am assuming it's because when we were younger and in highschool they were the guys I did all my LSD and DMT with..

Seems like you got things under control. I just can't mess with any of that garbage. Even right now at this very moment I would love some adderall and to go be super productive..

fuck it, I hate life.